And then Olivia did what all her years of training told her to never do – and what all of the fibers in her being wanted to. She left. Not fully – she just sat down outside Alex's door, trying to make the thought in her head stop spinning and find an answer. To know what to do.
Like all to often in Liv's life she couldn't.
She felt self absorbed and self involved. What she had come her for now felt silly. All of the times she had judged the ADA for not feeling, for not being emotional enough… and… and….
Well is it was one thing ADA Alexandra Cabot seemed to have to much of, it was emotions.
She thought about all the material she had had to read about… this stuff. About self harm. She still couldn't get it to mesh in her head. Couldn't reconcile the image of the Alex she knew and all the things that were said about people how self harmed.
And she felt guilty. Because hadn't she also joked about their bitch ADA, who didn't understand how hard the work was on you. Who would never feel the guilt, the pain, the stress, the pressure… Who would never truly be a part of the SVU.
Liv felt like punching a wall, fully knowing how much that would hurt. She was also fully aware of just how inappropriate that self destructive reaction would be.
"Well that's a start" Olivia muttered to herself. Now she at least knew what not to do. Or one of the things not do do.
There seemed to be a million things not to do and not a single thing to do.
Liv was torn between wanting to help their ADA and to not infringe on her privacy, to not cause even more of this destruction she didn't even know existed.
She felt incredibly guilty for all the times she and the rest of SVU had demanded various warrants at all times of the night. At all the times they had gone to her office and found her sitting there, still. Even in the middle of the night. And then, instead of calling it dedication, like they did when one of their own was sleeping in the bunks late at night, instead of seeing it as proof she cared…
Even then they had called her a ruthless opportunist.
They hadn't all done it of course, and not all of the time… But… They had done it enough. It had been clear that ADA Alexandra Cabot wasn't properly a part of the SVU.
And then Olivia felt even more guilty, because even after seeing all of it, the scarrs and the wound, the anger and the desperation. Even after seeing all of what Alexandra tried so hard to hide she made it all about herself. About the precinct about THEM.
She realized she was sobbing desperatly to late. She was used to living alone, to being able to go home and cry hysterically – to no-one being able to her her – at least not if she sat in the shower and cried. The fact that taking warm showers almost ritualistically was what the victims often did was not lost on her. But she supposed it made it feel more cathartic. And she had no evidence to ruin with the warm water.
But this wasn't her shower. This was outside Alex's amazingly nice apartment, outside the door of a woman who was more deeply hurt than anyone understood. And who could probably hear her.
Once again Liv felt amazingly guilty. This time over how embarrased she was. About someone hearing her cry. Even in this situation. Even when what she had accidentally made Alex reveal to her was way more personal.
The detective mopped up her frustrated tears and began running through the possible solutions her mind offered. She discared them one by one until she found one that might work.
I'll call Huang.
On the other side of the door one Alexandra Cabot was sitting. Trying not to cry, or speak, or breath or make any sounds that would remind anyone that she was alive.
I'd be better off dead
The thought had popped into the ADA's head at the most inopportune moments recently. Alexandra Cabot was a woman who saw – in horrific detail – the worst humanity had to offer. She felt pathetic for feeling like that, that she'd be better of six feet under – not able to ruin her own reputation, the image of being an impenetrable, emotionally – if not physically - invulnerable.
And then she hated herself even more – because how could she be so vain? Afraid of ruining her own reputation by maybe no being known as an ice queen?
There were women – no, just girls really – who had been horrifically hurt and then cast out by culture and cummonity who thought it was a 12 year-olds fault, or a 14 year-olds, or a 13 year olds, or a 9 year olds…
There were a lot of people who endured a lot worse.
A lot of people who needed a competent lawer – not whatever wreck the current ADA was.
But Alex knew all to well what they said about SVU. That only someone carazy would be their ADA.
She was all they'd get.
Crazy as she was.
