Spoilers for 4x12: The conversation that never was, but needed to be had (and hopefully we'll see an actual version of it in episode 13!)
He winced as she slammed his heart back into his chest, a sharp pain coursing through his entire body as everything slotted back into place.
She started to apologise, to explain her decision to return it to him with quite such brutal force, but her words faded into insignificance in comparison with the rush of emotions overwhelming him. Of course he knew that while his heart and body weren't connected things had been dulled, but the intensity of what he was feeling stunned him. It was as if everything he had ever felt for her or thought about her was magnified, multiplied and bursting with colour and vibrancy and a clarity he had never experienced before. Before she could finish her sentence he cut her off with his mouth, claiming her lips with his and relishing the feel of her arms snaking around his waist as he pushed her flush against the wall outside his room at Granny's.
Finally, it felt like them again. The racing of his pulse when she traced her tongue along his bottom lip, and the unstoppable smile that broke out across his face when eventually they pulled apart, momentarily dizzy and blocking out the rest of the world. The past few times he had seen her, all he had wanted was this - he was, after all, about to die, if Rumple got his way. Yet all he had felt was an aching numbness and sadness, an inability to show or tell her that she meant more to him than anything else in the world.
She leaned her head back against the wall and smiled at him, an obvious wash of relief flooding across her face - clearly their recent encounters had felt as unsatisfactory to her as they had to him.
"I told you, Swan," he whispered, refusing to let go, his hand tangling with hers, "I'm a survivor."
She smiled at him and before he could find the words to say any more she leaned in and kissed him again.
He knew they needed to talk about this though, and sooner rather than later. While his heart was telling him to abandon all thought of serious conversation and just pick her up and carry her through the door into his room then and there, his head knew better. Right now, relief that he was alive was stopping her from thinking clearly. But this was Emma. The woman who could spot a liar a mile off, and who had suffered enough trauma in her life through losing people to accumulate a whole lot of completely understandable trust issues. When the relief wore off, he would have a lot of questions to answer, and rather than delay the inevitable, he needed to explain it all to her now.
As he pulled back for a moment she sighed, staying pinned against the wall and running her hands up and down his arms.
"Emma… I…"
"Lied to me? Hid things from me? Almost died after promising he you were a survivor?" she interrupted, her eyebrow quirking slightly as she eyed him, shuffling nervously in front of her, "I was getting to that."
Tension now hung in the air and he contemplated his next move. Part of him wanted to abandon the whole thing, wrap her up his arms again and continue with what they had been up to just seconds ago. But he knew better than to mess with this unstoppably fiery woman when it came to telling the truth.
"I'm so sorry, love," was all he could bring himself to say.
When it came to Emma he very rarely said things he didn't mean. But he had never been more sincere about anything in his life than he was about that. He hated that he had lied to her, whether or not it was within his control in the end. She paused, before her next words exploded out of her, like word vomit.
"What the hell happened?"
He knew he had no option but to start at the beginning.
"The day that we went on our date, I paid Gold a visit. I knew the dagger he had given Belle wasn't real, and I momentarily… well, I seemed to lose my mind, and I used that information against him."
Emma stared at him, open mouth and incredulous. Her hand, however, had found its way from his arm onto his waist.
"Blackmail? Are you serious? Killian, what the hell is wrong with you? When has blackmailing Rumplestiltskin ever worked out for you? Or for anyone, for that matter?!"
He winced, the reality of her words coursing through him much like the pain of having his heart slammed back into his chest.
"I know, Swan, I was a fool. All I wanted was to have my hand back, so that…"
There wasn't much space between them, but she took a tiny step forward nonetheless.
"So that what?"
He took a deep breath. This could go one of two ways.
"So that you didn't have to go on a date with someone with a hook for a hand, Emma. So that when I kissed you outside your house I could hold you with both hands."
She hadn't taken her eyes off him for a second, and she tilted her head to the side, her expression unreadable.
"You did that for me?"
"Aye, love. And for myself. It was all part of my attempts to be a better man for you. Get rid of the signs of the darkness in my past."
She shook her head.
"You really think I care about any of that? Like I need you to change who you are for me to want to be with you?"
"I just wanted to be better, Emma. To do better...:"
"You already are, and you have! You saved me in New York, helped me figure things out when I got us dragged into the past, you took care of me after Elsa accidentally almost froze me to death… you gave up your ship for me, Killian! You've proved yourself so many times, and it's not like my past is exactly spotless. You really think I need you to get rid of the hook for me to want you?!"
He opened his mouth but before the words came out she kissed him again. Quick but fiery and passionate, her hands cupping his face as she pulled back.
"If I wasn't so happy that you're alive right now, I would probably have slapped you instead of doing that, you know."
"And I wouldn't have blamed you in the slightest."
She smiled, but her face was still uncertain, and full of questions. Her display of affection had been reassuring, but he hadn't yet confided in her the things Gold had made him do, so he couldn't allow himself to believe things were really going to be okay. Not until, she knew everything.
"As I said, I made the mistake of blackmailing Gold and, as I should have known, it backfired. He tricked me into thinking my hand was turning me back to my old self, to the man I was before I fell…"
The words "in love with you" caught in his throat. He needed her to know how completely, devastatingly in love with her he was, but not now. Saying it now would feel like a desperate attempt to guilt her into forgiving his actions.
"... before I fell for you. Before we met, and things changed," he continued, noting the fleeting look of something between hope and panic that flashed across her face as he paused, "Suffice to say I was stuck. He returned the hook but with a long list of tasks I was forced to complete for him. When eventually I refused him, he announced that he was on some bid for complete power, and one of the ingredients for that little spell was the heart of someone who knew him in the past, back before he became who he is today. That heart being mine, as I'm sure you've worked out."
Emma listened intently, having allowed him to get through this part of the story uninterrupted. Her eyes were wide, but her mouth formed a thin line, and her hand, which still rested on his neck had begin to tremble. He could see how angry she was - he just wasn't quite sure if it was going to be directed at him yet.
"And you didn't think to tell me any of this? You asked me to trust you, and then you go and get yourself in a situation like this and what? You don't think that might be something I could help with?"
Panic rushed through him as he watched her, wild eyed and furious. Her warm hand had left his neck and she crossed her arms together, but remained directly in front of him.
"All I wanted was to tell you," he whispered, "The thought of disappointing you broke my heart, but I would have done it because I can't lie to you, not now, it isn't who I am. But he had my heart, and with it, control over me. He was controlling my words, and, regrettably, my actions…"
As he trailed off she looked suspicious, and he knew they were reaching the pivotal part of this story.
"Swan. You know the Dark One. When he had my heart, he had me do some terrible things, that I would do anything to take back."
He felt his eyes sting with the beginning of tears, bitter, angry, tears that he had only just managed to keep at bay through this entire disaster, with the exception of the moment he has said goodbye to her before the spell of shattered sight hit them. He sighed and closed his eyes, wishing he could transport them to some desert island somewhere, just the two of them, and have all of this fade into nothingness.
But suddenly her hands were skimming up his chest and onto his neck once again, her fingers landing on his jaw as he opened his eyes. Her eyes were shining with tears too, and she held his gaze intently.
"Listen to me," she said, her voice firm, "I am seriously pissed at you right now for being stupid enough to try to blackmail Gold. But I know why you did it. And you are not a bad person. Those things, whatever they were…"
"I…" he interrupted, preparing to reveal some of the things he had been commanded to do.
"... we can discuss them later. Right now, you need to know that I'm not going anywhere. You've made a mistake, but I trust you, and we can get through this. I'm not happy about this, but I told you, Killian - I can't lose you."
He allowed himself to drink in her words, savouring the sound of them as he realised she meant what she was saying. Her hand was clasped in his, and he brought it up to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.
"And I told you I'm a survivor."
"Yeah, thanks to Belle!" she exclaimed, "If it wasn't for her we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation. And that would have been your fault, as much as Gold's, for making the mistake of making a deal with him. You promised me I'd never have to go through losing you. Do not break that promise."
Her face was flushed and she stared at him, challenging him to respond.
"I won't, Swan. You'll always have me."
Her expression softened, and suddenly they were kissing again, this time his back pressed against the wall, neither entirely sure who started it, but neither making the move to stop it any time soon. Her hands tangled in his jacket, before one reached up to rest on his chest, where not so long ago she had returned his heart.
"You should get some rest," she whispered, breathlessly, "And I have to go and check on Regina."
He pulled back, incredulous, the idea of her going anywhere but straight into his room at this point stunning him.
"Seriously, love?"
She grinned, her smile making his thundering heart skip a beat, and nodded, raking her fingers through his hair before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek and stepping away, putting enough distance between them to allow them both to cool down.
"Yes, seriously. Someone just had their heart returned to their chest, and could clearly use some sleep. Regina's downstairs, and she's gone through a lot today, I feel like she might need a friend."
He sighed, shaking his head and making a move for his door.
"As you wish, Swan," he murmured, hating to admit that she was right. He was utterly exhausted.
"Killian?"
She was already halfway down the corridor when she called back to him, causing him to turn around from his now open bedroom door.
She flashed him one last smile with her parting words.
"I'll be back in an hour."
How will we cope waiting till March?! I can't wait for 4b now. Reviews/feedback are very welcome :)
