Chapter 3: The Ritual

Disclaimer: Never have owned it, never will own it, enough said.

A/N 2009: I'm in a really bad mood. And I find that I want to post two chapters today instead of just the one. Partially because the last one was so short. And partially because I'm hoping that, the closer I get to one of my favorite parts of the story, the happier I will become. And so....Chapter 3.

A/N: More insanity! What will Arwen and Eowyn have to do now to defeat this 'doom of Man'? Read on to find out.

Background: Just wanted to give you a bit of information here. This story takes place in kind of a 'book/movie-verse'. I've read the books and like them very much, but the movies are a bit easier to follow and write about. As you will see in this chapter, I've added a few characters from the book that weren't in the movie sob-sob and I've, ahem, rearranged a few events from the movie 'The Two Towers'. Hope you like!


Arwen had spent most of the afternoon studying the book her grandmother had left for her. Eowyn remained with her, although she found a book on Elven weaponry and was soon engrossed in it. It was only when Arwen made a small noise that the shield maiden glanced up from her discovery.

"What is it?" she asked, reluctantly putting the book down and crossing over to Arwen. Her friend wore an expression of amazement mixed with disbelief and confusion. Silently, she pointed to the last page. Eowyn looked and her expression soon mirrored that of Arwen's.

"Surely that can't be what we're supposed to do!" Eowyn finally exclaimed. "It must be a joke."

Arwen shook her head slowly as she responded, her tone somewhat resigned.

"My grandmother is known for many things, Eowyn, but joking is not on the top of the list. She had a sense of humor, of course, but never went so far as to pull a prank herself."

"So you are saying that this is true?" Eowyn was, understandably, more than a little distressed at the news. It didn't seem like anything she would've expected from the Lady of the Golden Wood. "We have to do this? It seems terribly humiliating."

"I agree," Arwen sighed as she made her way towards the door, already making a mental list of things they would need and where they could find them. "But I can't believe my grandmother would write this in jest, knowing how troubled I would be over this whole thing. I am sorry, Eowyn. It would seem we have no choice."

Eowyn sighed in defeat.

"Let us be done with it, then."

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Three hours later

"This seems terribly silly to me, Arwen. Not to mention very, um, un-Elflike, for lack of a better word."

Arwen agreed wholeheartedly. In all the thousands of years she had walked Middle Earth, never had she felt so ridiculous. The entire situation was just...odd. Arwen could not recall her grandmother ever having to do anything like this at all. Then again, she reasoned, her grandmother was very powerful, even for an Elf. Perhaps that's why she had never had to do something like this. Had Arwen not been so preoccupied with her 'fanfic author' problem, she definitely would've picked up on the fact that a nearby mallorn tree was losing its leaves at a rather suspicious rate.

They immediately set about their duties. Eowyn tried to start a fire while Arwen began mixing various herbs and berries with some water. Once the fire was going, Eowyn helped Arwen finish her task and then the two friends looked at each other expectantly.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Eowyn asked, her tone rather clipped as she regarded the unmoving Queen of Gondor.

"What am I waiting for? What are YOU waiting for?" came Arwen's response. Eowyn's eyes widened.

"Oh, no. I'm not going to be the first to put that stuff on. You can go first. After all, you are the queen."

The eyes of the Evenstar narrowed for a moment, then lit up as she hit upon an idea.

"You mean to tell me that the defeater of the Witch-King of Angmar is too frightened to start a small, somewhat strange ritual? Well, I suppose if you are too afraid……."

Just as she had expected, Arwen's remark spurred Eowyn into action.

"Alright, I'll go first. But you'll have to help me with the patterns. Then I'll do you."

"Agreed."

''''''''''''''''''''''Meanwhile

Three figures sat in a nearby tree, watching the scene with thinly veiled amusement.

"Ouch!" one hissed, after receiving the back of another figure's hand in his face. He elbowed the other figure in the ribs. "Watch where you put your hand, 'Ro."

"Ssshh!" whispered another. "You two will give us away in no time. Are Rivendell Elves always so loud?"

"Shut up, Haldir," the other two answered in perfect unison. Haldir complied, but not before uttering a few Sindarin curses that no self- respecting Marchwarden should ever know.

"I cannot believe that our sister fell for that phony last page," whispered Elrohir, trying desperately to disguise his delight over the situation.

"All thanks to Haldir," put in Elladan. "If he had not been able to copy Grandmother's handwriting so perfectly, none of this would have been possible."

"I still cannot believe I let you two talk me into this," Haldir growled. Truth be told, however, he was rather enjoying the spectacle of the Queen of Gondor and the White Lady of Rohan slapping paint on each other's faces for a ritual that had no meaning whatsoever. Neither of the twins was fooled by their friend's gruff demeanor.

"Oh, be quiet, Haldir," said Elladan. "We know you are getting as much fun out of this as we are."

Haldir opened his mouth to reply, but shut it again when he noticed Arwen look in the direction of the tree the three pranksters had taken up residence in. Elrohir noticed it, too, and his voice dropped to the point where even an Elf would have trouble hearing his words.

"No one will have any fun at all if we keep this up," he said. "No more talking."

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Back on the ground

"Arwen? What is it?"

Arwen, still looking at the tree, shook her head.

"I thought I heard something," she replied. After a few more seconds, she shook her head again, as if to clear it, and turned back to Eowyn.

"I must have been hearing things. Come on. Let's get this over with."

The women took their places on either side of the fire, facing away from it. Slowly, they began to go through the steps of an intricate dance, the instructions of which had been laid out on the paper in painstaking detail. The fact that they were facing away from the fire was a part Haldir had written strictly for his own amusement. This way, he, Elladan, and Elrohir would be able to get a good look at the faces of the two women.

And what faces! Elrohir nearly fell out of the tree when he saw his sister. Elven runes were painted across the faces of Arwen and Eowyn in brilliant blue and purple. Elladan silently congratulated Haldir on his instruction to have the people performing the ritual face out.

The three mischievous Elves managed to suppress their laughter during the five minute dance. But when Arwen and Eowyn began the chant Haldir had composed, Elladan began to shake violently with suppressed mirth. Halfway into the 'magical' chant, he lost his balance and slipped off the limb he had been seated on. Elrohir, who had been sitting right behind him, tried to catch his twin, but he was too late. Elladan plummeted to the ground. Being an Elf, he, of course, landed safely on the ground, feet planted firmly. But Arwen heard when he made contact with the ground and she whirled around.

Elladan, brave son of Elrond that he was, paled visibly when his sister's eyes met his. The fury of the Evenstar was not something one ever wished to come face to face with. He mentally kicked himself for letting Elrohir and Haldir talk him into this, conveniently forgetting that it had all been his idea to start with.

Arwen wasted no time in making her anger clear. She marched over to her brother, Eowyn close behind, and stared him down. Elladan cowered and took the easy way out. He pointed to the tree above. Arwen heard the whispered curses and had to fight a smile. Elladan never was one to go down alone.

She wasn't at all surprised when Elrohir appeared, but when Haldir lowered himself to the ground, her mouth dropped open. She never expected the dignified Marchwarden to behave in such a manner. Eowyn was furious as well. But, for all her fury, she could not bring herself to chastise an Elf. She would let Arwen handle this.

"I thought you were above spying, Haldir," Arwen said coldly. The blond Elf winced. Unlike the twins, he had never been on the receiving end of Arwen's temper.

"I apologize, my lady," he said. The sons of Elrond made faces of disgust. Haldir was far too easily cowed when it came to their sister.

Arwen observed the three trouble makers for a while before a thought occurred to her, making her even angrier than before, if such a thing was possible.

"You were not just spying, were you?" she asked. "You came up with all of this yourselves. The fire, the paint, the dance, the chant. None of this means a thing, does it?"

Elladan bit his lip, wanting to laugh in spite of his sister's anger. Haldir was too worried about his present situation to respond. Elrohir sighed, knowing that, as usual, he would have to be the one to confess.

"Yes, sister. We thought it all up ourselves. Honestly, Arwen, we did not mean any harm. 'Dan and I have been in Lothlorien for a couple of weeks and things were getting rather boring. We just needed to have some…fun," he finished lamely, realizing that this probably wouldn't constitute a reason as far as his sister was concerned. He was starting to wish they hadn't done this…

"Elrohir, I am dealing with a serious problem. How can I ever solve it if I have my brothers and a wayward Marchwarden playing childish pranks every time I turn around?"

Arwen's face was growing redder by the minute and Elladan could no longer help himself. He burst out laughing and the fiery glare of his sister did nothing to quell his merriment. Haldir looked at him in disbelief, shocked that he could laugh even now, and Elrohir silently willed his brother to shut up.

When Elladan could finally breathe, he turned to Elrohir, his grey eyes filled with tears from his bout of laughter.

"I never realized how truly awful it looks when you put certain shades of purple with certain shades of red," he said before making a noise that sounded suspiciously like a giggle. Elrohir and Haldir looked at each other, then looked at Arwen. They quickly looked away again, both of them fighting laughter once more.

Arwen was exceedingly perplexed by her brother's statement until she remembered the purple paint that Eowyn had used for the runes on her face. She blushed even redder with embarrassment and it was the final straw for the other three Elves. They collapsed on the forest floor, unable to restrain themselves any longer.

It was Haldir who saw the sword being removed from Eowyn's pack and his laughter, though it didn't stop completely, subsided quite a bit. He tapped Elrohir on the shoulder and pointed in Arwen's direction. Through his tears, Elrohir saw his sister headed straight for them, a painfully serious look on her face and a very dangerous-looking sword in her hands. He and Haldir quickly decided what the better part of valor was and, after picking Elladan up and setting him back on his feet, the three of them took off at a dead run. Arwen, brandishing the sword and screaming in Sindarin, followed closely. Eowyn stood rooted to the ground, too shocked to move or say anything.

"Do not worry, my lady," said a voice behind her. Eowyn turned around, only to come face to face with Lord Celeborn. His eyes widened slightly when he saw the blue runes on her face, but he wisely said nothing about them. "With the sons of Elrond around, there is rarely a dull moment."

"Will she hurt them, really?" Eowyn asked, somewhat concerned. She had never seen Arwen so angry before.

"No. Luckily for them, they are all faster than she is when it comes to running. The chase will calm her down."

"You make it sound as if this was a regular occurrence," Eowyn said, surprised by Celeborn's reaction to the situation.

"My lady, I have lived for thousands of years in Lothlorien. Utter chaos reigns in this place when we are visited by any of the children of Elrond. If something out of the ordinary did not occur, then I would be surprised....possibly even concerned."

He smiled at Eowyn and then offered her his arm.

"Now, I believe that we can get you properly settled while my granddaughter is running around like a mad woman, chasing down my Marchwarden and my grandsons. When she is finished with them, perhaps I can help you find the real solution to this problem."

Eowyn smiled in return and let Celeborn guide her to the rooms she and Arwen would be occupying. Neither of them dreamed that part of their solution was already finding its own way to them.


A/N: Yay! Long live Haldir! By the way, did I type 'Marchwarden' correctly? Is it all one word? Is it capitalized. I realize that the whole 'ritual' thing was far-fetched, but this is a 'humor' fic after all. What do you want from me? Review, review, review! Love reviews! The crossover starts next chapter! cheers from readers If there are any particular characters you'd like to see in here, please let me know. The actual MAIN characters have already been picked. But there will be room for mentions, appearances, and the like. I'd like to say ahead of time, however, that I've never seen 'The Matrix'. Pauses to wait for her readers to recover from the shock. If anyone wants characters from 'The Matrix' in this story, I'm afraid I just can't do it. Meh. 'Equilibrium' is better anyway.