Jeff tried to stand it. He really did. But his new boss made it downright impossible.
Whether it was the actual office work, his inability to get a good phone signal, or listening to so much chipperness, it was unbearable. And even when he got out of the office, he had to watch Chris on his runs and workouts that Jeff…..could have totally pulled off if he had nothing better to do.
Even finding out that Chris had a psychiatrist didn't make him feel better. He was even mastering this Dr. Richard Nygar's classes as well. Even when he was imperfect, he was still being perfect. At least by the perfection standards of insane people.
Hell, he was Goddamn Rich with a….debatable Jeff Winger-esq body. Only the devil could come up with a combo like that – so at least Jeff proved God was real.
There was indeed a Hell. And to think Greendale wasn't it.
The only good thing was that those cameras were gone. Apparently he and Annie were staying in that mid-December to mid-January time period where they were on vacation, and they happened to arrive on their last day. So at least when Jeff wound up wiping that smile and those teeth off Chris's face, there'd be no video evidence.
On the off chance that wouldn't be a good thing, Jeff needed to be around real human beings before he exploded. Or he could just transfer to a community college in Eagleton to get that last credit. Even their colleges were probably heavenly and filled with spas.
He should have gone to Eagleton already, but it wasn't worth Leslie finding out. The last thing Jeff needed was to have Annie's boss and role model turning her against him. If only so Greendale would stay slightly more tolerable when they got back.
Maybe that made it a better idea to spend time with Annie now. Just in case.
Since Annie decided not to live in the same motel as him – which was perfectly understandable – and since she'd been working non-stop with Leslie, Jeff hadn't had much time to see her. Perhaps if he saw her and vented to her, she could talk him out of injecting Chris with carbs for completely legitimate, not jealous reasons.
It'd been a while since he'd trusted her to do that. If he remembered correctly, she had a gift for it. Getting him to avoid his worst impulses. Britta did that when it came to his dad – somehow - but it wasn't the same.
Annie wasn't Britta. That was clearer when Jeff got to her balloon free office, and saw Annie pouring over documents while talking on the phone.
"I know how you file those. I'm just saying if we do it my way, you can get to them easier. Isn't it my job to make things easier for you?" Annie asked. But the answer didn't seem to be what he wanted, so she replied, "You know that's not what I meant. I'm just telling you, I really think that's how it needs to be organized. I have experience with this stuff, you know."
However, Annie then gasped and got out, "Okay, maybe I never served in government before! But I almost won a class president election! And I almost got to meet the Vice President, so – " But she didn't get to finish, as the other line clearly went dead.
"Trouble in paradise?" Jeff finally got Annie's attention.
"I just wanted to change one thing in her filing system, and she said no!" Annie vented. "Then I suggest a few more logical things, and she snaps at me! Like she's the only one who knows how to organize! From what Ben told me about her old place, that's a laugh! I swear she's so….so…."
"Stubborn? Anal? An organizing savant? Needs to be right all the time? Won't admit she's wrong? Will freak out when someone tries to make her? If she's your idol, shouldn't you have known that going in?" Jeff theorized.
"Well, not like that!" Annie sighed. "You know what? I'll just have to show her I know what I'm talking about. Excuse me, Jeff," she asked before getting her files and marching past him.
If Leslie really was an older, more advanced Annie, this was not going to end well. In fact, Jeff actually considered Chris's office a safe haven, while he waited for the two titans to burn this building to the ground.
In fact, when Leslie's friends came over to warn Chris, Jeff stayed behind by doing busy work. Even that was better than getting his hair gouged out in the Annie-Leslie crossfire.
Somehow, Jeff sneaked out of the building before it collapsed, and hid out in his lame motel room for the night. Yet once again, Annie didn't drop by, call him or ask for advice. This time, Jeff wondered if it might have been because Leslie cut her hands off.
But City Hall was still standing the next morning – and thanks to something called a "Waffle Summit" last night, it seemed Annie and Leslie had made peace. Apparently their excessive, type A means of organizing had room for compromise after all.
Jeff couldn't even begin to wonder how Leslie did it in a day, when all of Greendale had failed for 3 ½ years. Nevertheless, it was like they never fought after that, as Annie was more closely glued to Leslie's side than ever.
Needless to say, Jeff could hardly turn to Annie for sanity now. There had to be someone else remotely normal here.
"What up, Jazzy Jeff?" Jeff heard, snapping him out of his trance in the hallways one day. Soon enough, he saw Tom – hardly the most normal person, as his first impression proved. But at least he was one of the few men here to know the value of suits and facial care.
And if he somehow got Pawnee's Ann to forget better judgment and date him, maybe he had something to offer.
"I hear you're a man who knows how the club scene works," Jeff recounted.
"Oh, took you long enough. Yeah, I've been known to use some baller moves from time to time," Tom bragged.
"If that means you know cooler places than my motel room, I'll take it," Jeff admitted.
"Great! We'll stop by my place first and get you styled up!" Tom cheered. "You're too big for Rent-a-Swag stuff, but maybe some of my old prank duds can fit you. We'll turn this Colorado 6 into a Pawnee 7 in no time!"
Jeff really was desperate for contact – and a night life – if he was letting Tom get away with that. But a guy who loved suits, club life and looking stylish was right up his alley. Granted, he deluded himself into thinking he was better at it than Jeff – but that'd make Jeff more of a breath of fresh air to these people.
Using deluded people to look better and feel superior – now Jeff felt right at home. At least part of him did. But without anyone available to tell him different, what did it matter?
However, even his superiority over Tom Haverford didn't last long when Jeff entered his home.
It was like he had every Skymall item known to man in this one place. For good measure, he seemed to have every hair care product, shampoo, moisturizer, baby oil, blanket and pillow as well. "You have the money for this?" Jeff asked incredulously.
"Nope, but no one's complained so far. And the Beyonce soundtrack on my answering machine drowns out the credit card companies every time," Tom boasted. "Come on, I got some stylish giant prank suits that won't get a laugh on you!"
Jeff sure didn't feel like laughing now. He spent beyond his budget for his apartment and up to date products too – but not like this. This was girl heaven, without the girls.
Hell, this was Chris all over again, except now Jeff was being…..challenged in his metrosexual trendiness and love of pointless stuff. That was even worse, especially from a guy like this. What could be –
Jeff stopped that train of thought when he heard a knock on the door. Grateful for the distraction, he opened up – only to find a white guy with a big afro-like hairstyle and body language that 'passed' for swagger.
"What up, J?" the rapidly annoying man sang. "Jean-Ralphio here. You, me, the double J's gonna find some double D's! Maybe Tom'll let us have leftover double T's when he's done. And our sloppy thirds will welcome you to Pawnee in style, J-man!"
Jeff only needed to stare in disbelief for two seconds, before stating, "Nope" and heading right back to his rented car.
Perhaps he'd make up an excuse for Tom later, if he was that bored and annoyed at the office tomorrow. But for now, he was both relieved and aggravated to spend the rest of the night in a drab motel room.
That only got him through most of the next day. By the day after that – Christmas Eve Eve – Jeff was back to feeling less than fortunate. With Chris way into the Christmas spirit, and Annie too wrapped up in Leslie's Christmas spirit and extravagant gift giving, Jeff needed a tether to sanity again.
Pawnee Ann looked promising and sane, but she was either unavailable because of nurse duties, or tagging along with Leslie. It seemed Leslie had a habit of hogging up attractive brunettes with A names.
Annie's roommates were out for annoying and soul-devouring reasons. And Donna….well, Jeff didn't need to feel inferior with cars and sex too.
Jerry was a last resort if he wanted his head to collapse. At this point, that might not be the worst thing.
With no options and no escape, Jeff wandered the halls in exaggerated, childish woe. Maybe it was for the best that Annie was too busy in that moment. "Ugh, what I wouldn't give for some scotch!" he was reduced to pleading to no one.
"Scotch, you say?" Jeff heard. But this latest voice to surprise him was more manly and detached. Jeff then saw it belonged to a burly mustached man. Well, it sure could have been worse.
"Yeah, the strongest possible stuff," Jeff dared to reach out. "Anything to help me deal with these people. There's only so much you can take before you want to be alone with booze."
The man gave him a blank, impossible to read stare, which still seemed warmer than one of April's stares. Finally, he grumbled like a bear and said, "Having a girlfriend really has made me too soft. But if you want to take advantage of my insanity….I may have the liquid courage you need."
And that's how Jeff actually got to drink with Ron Swanson in his office.
If that wasn't historic enough, he wasn't kicked out after two minutes. In fact, the more they talked and the more scotch they drank, the more Jeff felt at home. He even stopped feeling the urge to throw up from Ron's brand.
"It's what I've always said!" Jeff called out. "Why can't we just leave everyone alone? Let me live my life the way I wanna, why don't ya? Don't you and your big noses got better things to do than nag me?"
"Very few people here see that point. You must live in a more evolved town," Ron complimented.
"Oh God, I wish. But even that's a paradise compared to this," Jeff declared. "No hip bars, the smiling, the puns. I get enough of that at school. But this whole town is one big Greendale college. What the hell, man?"
"If your college authority gets way too involved in people's lives and won't back off, I sympathize completely," Ron offered.
"God, you have no idea how much it won't back off," Jeff shuddered. "But you….it seems like you get it. I thought there's no one left who'd get it. Annie sure doesn't get it."
"It's sad that Leslie's brainwashing her to tax and spend the next generation to death. But it's not my place to interfere or care," Ron concluded.
"Well, you gotta care about her a little. Who couldn't?" Jeff let get away from him. But fortunately for him, Ron didn't care enough to inquire further. Relieved he could change the subject with his new friend, Jeff went on with, "Now all I need is to find real carb-free food instead of Chris's crap, and I might be set here."
At that, Ron stopped drinking and his mustache almost seemed to twitch. "You eat food without carbs?" he questioned ominously.
"Well, yeah. How else am I supposed to keep this up?" Jeff gestured to his body, thankful he could show it off without Chris around. "I love the occasional steak and bacon, of course, but you can't have it for every meal. My abs deserve some healthy, low fat food."
Ron had no answer, or at least didn't look like he'd have a good one when he spoke again. He confirmed those fears by stating, "This is what I get for acknowledging other people's existence. Perhaps we have too little in common after all."
"What? No, that's not true," the semi-drunk Jeff answered. "Don't send me back there with them. They worship a dead pony, for God's sake! I can't go back to that nonsense yet!"
Unfortunately, Jeff didn't know he'd halfway signed his death warrant.
"You now have five seconds to leave before you lose the rights to your nose, eyes and lips," Ron chilled Jeff. "And as of now, it's down to two seconds."
Even in his desperate, halfway drunk state, Jeff had enough sense to fear for his life right now. With a half-second to spare, he made his way out of Ron's office – and soon found Annie, Andy and April standing nearby, having seen the spectacle.
"Wow, you have a death wish. You just got way cooler," April praised while still looking blank. But Jeff didn't focus on someone finally seeing he was cool in this town. His focus, despite not being pitch perfect, was on Annie.
"So now you see me. Right on time to hit rock bottom. Good for you," Jeff said with full on drunk sarcasm.
"I was just about to head home. Do you want to join us?" Annie tried to save face.
"You know what, I don't need your pity. I never needed anything from you. And I don't need anything from this town, our town, Greendale or nothing," Jeff announced. "You don't need me, fine, I don't need you! How do you and your bestie feel about that?"
"Okay, there's no need for that," Jerry stepped in. "Why don't we sit down and –"
"Shut up, Jerry! You're only the fourth worst, so don't make me put you above Pierce! I do not need you to challenge Leonard, trust me!" Jeff complained.
"Jeff, please," Annie tried to reason.
"No, it's cool. Have the time of your life, ignore me. Hell of a time to start doing it now, Mrs. Winger," Jeff thoughtlessly rubbed in. Luckily, he still had enough sense to leave before Annie could react.
"If I gave him three seconds to leave like usual, he wouldn't have the tools to say that," Ron commented. "I have gigantically failed you, Lil' Sebastian," he almost choked up before drinking right from one of the bottles.
Jeff was getting emotional himself, or was trying not to, as he headed for the exit. His trademark feelings of Annie-related guilt were taking over, like usual when he upset her. Usually he could drown that out before long, but he didn't have his regular tools with him. As such, he had to channel his emotions and anger at other things, to hold off the Annie guilt as long as possible.
"Stupid Ron. Stupid town," Jeff told himself. "It's just a little horse, for God's sake. So freaking what?" he said too out loud.
"What did you say?" Okay, the stupid town really had to stop coming from nowhere.
This time, it was in the form of another scrawny guy, albeit not as scrawny as Tom. He certainly wasn't trying to look as snazzy as Tom, either. Normally that would annoy Jeff too, but what the hell?
"Fine, you got me, the horse is stupid. Take me to get my lips ripped off, whatever," Jeff huffed.
"Sssh!" the man hissed. "You're lucky no one else heard you. I've never had that luck, trust me," he whispered. "But that's what you really think of him?"
"What of it?" Jeff lost his patience. However, it soon got through to him that the man almost looked….happy. Like a normal human being.
"First of all, let's get you clear from here, just in case," he told Jeff. "And when we're safe, maybe we can get you a regular drink. Maybe that won't wash out Ron's booze, but I'd say you've earned the chance to find out. All on me, of course."
Jeff had already paid for having false hope today. Still, it wasn't like he was more capable of better judgment right now. And if this could distract him from Pawnee, Chris, Ron's terrifying eyes and Annie guilt, perhaps he could take a last leap of faith.
"Fine," Jeff still said dismissively. But he figured he might as well be more civil, adding, "I'm Jeff Winger, by the way."
"Annie Edison's Jeff Winger?" the man blindsided Jeff.
"What? Where did you get that…." Jeff tried to scoff. However, it didn't look like this guy was so easy fooled. But where would he get that idea, or even know Annie? He'd already met everyone that Leslie could have showed her off to.
Except…. "So you're Leslie Knope's Ben?"
And that was how Jeff got regular alcohol in his system, paid for by Ben Wyatt.
And once his system finally evened out, Jeff found something else he'd longed for – a regular person. Or at least someone else who knew how ridiculous it all was.
"I wish I was kidding, trust me," Ben recounted as he and Jeff kept talking in the bar. "But that's how many raccoon attacks we had this year. And that's the lowest total in 20 years."
"Of course the Dean forgot to tell us that. You'd think he'd want me to come back rabies free. But who knows what his fetishes are these days," Jeff scoffed.
"And he is an actual Dean?" Ben asked yet again. "He sounds like Salacious Crumb and Princess Leia's understudy in Jabba's palace. Well, maybe just Leia."
"Oh my God. You're Abed, but with more awareness of the real world. I gave up hope of meeting you in my lifetime," Jeff slightly slurred after his next drink.
"If this Abed hates how they ruined Faramir too, I'll take it," Ben toasted Jeff.
"You should, he's great. So are the rest of them. Even the naggy and old ones sometimes," Jeff alluded to. "If they made Greendale kinda bearable, imagine what they could have done in this place."
"I guess crazy groups of new friends can do that," Ben agreed.
"Since I don't have that here, what else helps?" Jeff asked. "You seem like a guy with a normal brain. How did you stay normal here? What made a guy like you wanna stay at a place like this?"
"My wife," Ben answered instantly, but then corrected himself. "Well, she's not my wife yet. But I might as well get used to saying it," he smiled.
"You mean Leslie," Jeff figured out. "You kept your sanity here, thanks to the queen of….unique people?" he managed to correct. Ben hardly looked convinced, of course, but he went on anyway.
"I wasn't planning on it. I just wanted to come here, do what I had to do, get out of here and stay in my bleak little world. Then this….unique person and all her unique friends turned me upside down," Ben recalled. "I didn't want to leave after that. And I didn't want to leave her."
"How long did it take you to accept that?" Jeff wondered.
"A couple of months," Ben answered point blank. "I mean, telling myself I didn't want her for longer than that….that just made no sense. I'd probably cut my head off with Isildur's blade if I denied it longer than that. I mean, if that son of a bitch Frodo Gamgee didn't outbid me."
"You don't say," Jeff said.
"Thank God I didn't have to do more than say it," Ben sighed in relief. "The rules said I couldn't be with her, then her campaign took its best shot. But I didn't listen. Well, not to the rules, anyway. The campaign….yeah, that almost broke me. At first."
"Well, from what I know, it makes sense," Jeff played devil's advocate. "There's certain rules you can't break. Otherwise you look like an evil, slimy jackass. That's not you, of course, I'm sure you weren't trying to be! But if that's how it looks, and that's what you'd taint her with, what else can you do? Hell, you lived without that stuff before, you could do it again."
"Is that right?" Ben frowned. "I had to be a jerk to do the only job that gave my life meaning back then. Going back to that after having something real and losing it….yeah, I'm sure that'd have been peachy. If I hadn't seen her in that tiny park, I'd be real peachy right now."
"But she's….so not like you. And so's this town. You can just….be okay with that? And everyone else is too?" Jeff went on more dangerous ground. "Aren't you just letting them change you?"
"Okay, so she smiles and reaches out to people more than me. And I can talk about the library without spitting fire," Ben stated.
"She hates that too? Well….I've gotta give her that one," Jeff credited. He almost wondered if Annie knew that yet, then shuddered at how angry that would make her – among other things.
"Anyway, so we're opposites. But we're exactly the same too. I just….show it in a more conventional way than she does," Ben said. "Sure, she's changed me, but she brought out what was in me all along. She doesn't see me as a jackass anymore, and she doesn't need me to be like her. She just loves me for….well, me. No one ever made me feel like that was enough before."
"You don't say again…." was all Jeff had.
"That's why I didn't care about the rules or what people thought. Not like she did," Ben went on. "Deep down, I'm sure I wanted to quit my job, screw the past and just enjoy something that really made me happy from day one. I had to go through a lot until I finally did it, but I did. And it's the best thing I ever did."
"You got all that from a….short, passionate, bubbly, naïve woman?" Jeff double checked.
"Well, she's also my best friend. And the sexiest woman in town, even if she still doesn't believe it. And someone I can come to for just about anything. It's better than what I had before, trust me," Ben concluded.
As Jeff tried to get certain parts of that love spiel out of his head, Ben continued with, "Well, I've droned about Leslie as much as usual now. I suppose we can talk about non-Leslie stuff, if we must. What about you, Jeff? I got bits and pieces of your story from Annie, but let's hear you tell it."
That really wasn't the best way Ben could have asked that right now. "You talked to Annie?" Jeff couldn't stop himself.
"Once she stopped asking about my proposal, I got in some words with her," Ben confirmed. "She….sure is something. Of course, she modeled herself after Leslie, so what else would she be?"
"She was like that long before she heard of her. Trust me, she made herself that great, not Leslie. And especially not me. Like I didn't know that already," Jeff let escape.
"Now you don't say, then," Ben quipped. "Anything else I should know about her? Or you?"
Jeff was close to being drunk enough to go into….greater detail than sober Jeff would. Than any version of Jeff should, really. But that was just his luck, wasn't it?
Once again, a potential friend in this town was just someone who….had certain things figured out more thoroughly than he did. Someone who could get away with certain things and not be the biggest jackass on the planet.
But at least this one knew better than to worship some mini-pony. And this town hadn't sucked away all his common sense. "Okay, I'll take it," Jeff said, more out loud than he meant to.
Ben gave him a deadpan look – one that was less frightening than April and Ron's, but one that was less feminine than Ann's. Nevertheless, Jeff didn't feel comfortable telling him deeper things about him, or Annie, or vice versa. But that made him no different from everyone else, so hopefully he didn't take it personally.
"You know, I don't wanna spoil the mystery yet. Not without a good night's sleep," Jeff got up to retreat.
"Okay, I guess. You're sure you can make it to bed for that? Not that those motel beds are that comfortable, I can tell you," Ben said. Of course he did.
"I'll manage. I can manage better than I could have an hour ago," Jeff tried to compliment.
"Good to know," Ben acknowledged, getting up with Jeff. "I look forward to solving the mystery, Jeff. Just tone down on the Eagleton love in public, and maybe the four of us can solve it together sometime." After a pause, he added, "And don't worry. You'll stop wanting to inject Chris with carbs in another week. 10 days, tops."
"I'll start the countdown in bed, then. Good night to you. Ben Wyatt!" Jeff tried to joke, although he almost threw up in his mouth from that parody. Or maybe Ron's whiskey was finally bubbling up. Either way, it was time to go.
Jeff waved at Ben and headed out, glad that he was leaving with at least one new, reasonable friend. No matter how many other things Ben was that he….didn't need to think about.
