Title: Waking the Dragon
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Rating: M (for later chapters)
Spoilers: 3X13 Knockdown
Disclaimer: Castle, its characters, and all related content are the property of ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. Only hotness.
Summary: Sometimes, the loneliness gets too heavy to bear, and there's nothing Kate Beckett's soul desires more than a friend.
Author's Note: I'm totally pantsing this one so where it goes is as much a surprise to me as it is to you. Drop me a review to let me know what you think.
Chapter Three
It started raining the day Castle left, and it hadn't stopped. Like she did every night, Kate travelled alone to her empty apartment, traded slacks for pajamas, and picked over a bowl of chow fun by the light of the TV. She tried not to think about what Castle was doing. She tried not to think about anything. Josh was due back from Africa in a couple of days. If she could just make it that long, she'd have something to distract her.
How sad that was. When she wasn't investigating a murder or listening to Josh rattle on about saving the world, she was a vacant, late-night-rerun-watching shell. No friends. None that she could call on a weeknight just to chat. But that was the problem with her line of work. Maintaining friendships required time. There was so much to sort out in the world...so much senseless loss... Her time was well spoken for.
Besides, who could she relate to, after what she saw every day? Was she supposed to gossip with other women about guys at the gym after she'd just seen the body of a nineteen-year-old girl, strangled in her bed? Who, besides another cop, would care that she'd nearly lost her gun today in a tussle with a doped-up suspect?
Certainly not Josh. Interacting with him was like an office party. Always putting on her best face, no one talked about anything messy, anything too personal. Even in bed, it felt like an act.
There was no one. She was alone.
She looked at her phone for the fifth time tonight.
He'd probably be in bed by now. Maybe he even had company.
Good…she hoped he did. It'd be good for him. Just some mindless, cathartic sex. Maybe that'd help him to get over her, to stop waiting for her. It'd be about time.
Rick flipped through the channels again, not stopping on any one station long enough to find out if he was interested. By now, he'd adapted to the hollow feeling in his chest. He couldn't quite tune it out, but at least he could live with it. What he couldn't live with was the insomnia. With the extra time spent not sleeping, he should have been getting a lot of writing done, but there was no chance of that. He couldn't even drum up the ambition to shave. He'd done little for the last three days except weigh down the cushions on his sofa, wrapped in a tangled blanket, getting up to eat or to do his necessaries only when he couldn't put it off any longer.
He felt like he'd been through a painful breakup, without even the comfort of being able to call it that. There was no hope of closure. Kate held all the cards, and she certainly had no incentive to help him out.
At least Alexis and his mother had gone to bed. He dreaded their concern. He just wanted to be left alone, but their tiptoeing around him, exchanging sad faces with each other when they thought he couldn't see was even worse than bombarding him with questions and well-intentioned advice.
His phone buzzed. Rick looked over at it, his finger frozen on the channel button. It was after eleven. Nothing good ever came from phone calls after eleven PM. Alexis and his mother were accounted for. That meant...
He dove for the phone. Her name glowed on the screen, tall stark letters against black. There was only one reason she'd be calling him. He didn't know how to feel. Was he ready to see her, to deal with the pain? He pushed the accept button and brought the phone to his ear. "Another case? Already?"
"Uh…ah, no. Not exactly." Her voice sounded different, more hushed.
It took him a second to put his finger on it, to identify the change. It was Off-Duty Kate. He didn't get to speak to her very often. "Is everything alright, Beckett?"
The phone line was silent. Rick had been about to check if he'd dropped her call when she finally spoke. "You're not in the middle of anything, are you?"
What would he be in the middle of? It was late on a Thursday night. She'd caught him at home, awake, alone…
Oh.
He pressed his fist against his forehead. "No, Beckett, no. I'm not in the middle of anything. I just…I couldn't sleep."
"Yeah," she said. "Me neither."
"What's going on?" He was getting concerned now. She hadn't exactly answered his question before.
"Uh, nothing really, I just…" She paused. Rick could feel her hunting for words. "I just wondered what you've been up to. How are things?"
Rick blinked a few times. Had she called just…to talk? "I…uh, I'm fine. I'm great. Yeah. The time off is…great, you know. Getting so much done."
She hesitated. Only a fraction of a second, but he noticed. "That's great, Castle," she mused.
"What about you? How goes the case?"
"Not good, actually. The trail's getting a little cold. I'm just going around in circles with that landlord. I swear she knows something, but I'll be damned if I can get her to talk."
"That's too bad." He was still struggling with his bewilderment over her call. Was she just lonely? He knew better than to ask directly. It was almost too much to hope for that she'd turn to him in such a moment. "Where's Josh?"
"Probably just waking up right about now."
Still in Africa. And she needed someone now. What a jackass. To let a woman like Kate spend even one lonely night. If Rick had her…
His throat closed off, but he swallowed past it.
But he didn't have her, and he had to get it through his head that she wasn't interested. He felt like it had finally started to sink in over the past couple of days, and here she was, making him wish, stringing him along.
Just take what you can get, idiot.
Sadly, she could probably lead him around wherever she liked and he'd eagerly follow, even if it meant tumbling over a cliff. Sometimes he thought she was deliberately taking him there. He sank back into the sofa cushions. "It must be hard, being apart for so long." He nearly gagged on the words.
"I suppose."
He heard movement on the other end of the line. She was getting more comfortable, maybe. Oh God, was she lying in her bed? He gulped, his mouth suddenly gone dry. "What do you mean? Don't you miss him?"
"Oh… Well, I suppose. It's just, uh… It's not really like that."
"Not really like what?"
"Like, you know…missing each other, longing for each other. It's not like we gaze lovingly into each other's eyes or anything like that."
The guy was a jackass. "Why not?"
He'd meant it as a challenge. She didn't answer right away, like his question had caught her off-guard. He feared maybe he'd pushed too hard and she was about to clam up. "Well, I don't know. I guess we just don't feel that way about each other. Things are…respectful."
He had the distinct impression she almost said "professional." He laid his head back and closed his eyes. She could do so much better. All she had to do was reach out and take it, but he knew now she was too afraid. Having something real meant opening yourself. Maybe she and Josh were perfect for each other after all. "Is that enough for you?"
When she spoke, her voice had grown softer. "I think, sometimes, maybe. It's easier."
What was this..honesty? He didn't know what he'd expected from her. Evasion, maybe. A safe answer. "And then other times?"
He heard her smile. "And then other times…I guess… it's not."
He couldn't believe she was really telling him these things. He desperately wanted to keep digging, but he knew even the slightest misstep could backfire.
Kate couldn't believe she was telling him these things. Why had she even called him? From the moment she'd dialed the phone, she'd questioned her sanity. She'd just…needed to hear someone's voice. Now here they were, deep in conversation, and he hadn't made one stupid joke. Not one. He was supposed to be bringing her back to her senses. Didn't he know he was falling down on the job? She smoothed her hands over her legs, flattening out the creases in her pajama bottoms. "So, um, how's Alexis?"
He cleared this throat. "Alexis? She's fine. She's concerned for me. I mean about how I haven't been going in to the precinct this week."
"What did you tell her?" Kate tried to uncoil the knot in her stomach, now that the topic of conversation was back on Castle's personal life. She was fine talking about him. She could talk about him until he begged her to shut up, but she couldn't take being the focus of his attention, his intoxicating charm. It addled her mind.
"Just that I…needed to take a break, for a while."
"That's all? Well no wonder she's concerned, Castle. You need to give her a little more information than that. Did you tell her about Lockwood?"
Castle didn't answer right away, and when he did his voice was grave. "No, I didn't tell her about Lockwood."
She heard his unspoken words, as surely as if they'd spilled from his mouth. You know damn well it doesn't have anything to do with Lockwood, Kate. She closed her eyes. Her cover story wasn't fooling anyone. All of a sudden it just felt so stupid. Childish. She was a grown woman, and he was a grown…well, man, most of the time. Would it be so terrible if she acknowledged what hung between them? Would it change anything? "Castle, I…" She stammered, feeling around in the dark for some string of words. It was like a hidden wall was blocking them. "I…miss you. Back at the precinct." Her heart was hammering. She tried to catch her breath, without breathing into the phone.
"I miss you too, Kate." His voice had taken on a smoky tone.
"I'm sorry I didn't wait until the next case to call you. I know you said you needed time."
He sighed, sounding like he was rubbing his face or his forehead. "Time doesn't seem to be helping."
Was he really suffering so much? "What would help?"
"I don't know. Talking to you seems to be."
He needed her. Just to be near her. She thought that was she'd given him for the last two and a half years. But no, now that she thought about that, she hadn't. She'd always kept him out. She thought about her reason for calling him tonight. Could he be longing for the same thing she was?
It was a long shot. But, kind of a revolutionary idea. Terrifying… risky...but, it just might work. "Maybe we could try…being friends."
When he hesitated, she started questioning herself. Perhaps the fatigue had finally gotten to her.
"Are you serious?" he finally said.
"Well, you don't have to, if you don't want to. It was just an idea…"
"No, it's… When do we start?"
She blew off the seed of excitement that sparked to life within her. She was probably just looking at the possibility of having someone to talk to, and feeling some understandable…enthusiasm. It didn't mean anything. "How about tomorrow."
"I could come get you at the station and we could grab a bite."
"Oh God no." That had sounded harsher than she meant it. "I just mean, don't pick me up at the station. Ryan and Esposito would totally get the wrong idea and run with it. I'll just meet you."
"Okay, great. Give me a call when you're free."
"Okay, Castle." She realized then she was grinning. Oh for Pete's sake. She rolled her eyes. "Well, I think I'm going to try and get some sleep." What had she just agreed to?
"Goodnight, Kate."
Did he have to sound so damned pleased? "Goodnight, Castle."
After he pushed the red button, Rick stared at his phone for a long time. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but all he needed to know was that Kate Beckett had just offered him the tiniest grain of hope. An invitation into her life, if he didn't blow it. His mind raced with possibilities. There was no way he was sleeping now. At least his heart didn't ache anymore.
While he was up, he might as well get in a shower.
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and added this story to your story alerts so far. You seriously make my world turn!
