Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC

Content: Season nine spoilers, friendship, angst.

Rating: K

Hey everyone. Sorry it's been a while since the last update on this, my muse has been somewhat distracted. Thank you so much for taking the time to read – I would once again really appreciate hearing your thought on this. Big special shout out to Joodiff ….. my partner in B/F crime! :)

Atonement

Chapter Three

Although the familiar drive across the river to Grace's house took the usual amount of time, for Boyd it passed all too quickly. Ordinarily he looked forward to spending the evening with Grace. Always completely at ease in her presence, he welcomed the engaging conversation that normally flowed easily between them, but tonight he was filled with apprehension. He wasn't exactly sure why, after all Grace was his friend, she would understand. Wouldn't she? He blew air forcefully from between his lips sighing deeply. He hadn't told her, he had intended to, had tried to on many occasions but it had never felt like the right time. The longer he left it the easier it became to say nothing and if he was truly honest he had been in no rush to pick the scab of that particular wound again so keeping quiet suited him just fine. It wasn't that he was lying to Grace, at least not directly. He just omitted to tell her. That was different wasn't it? She would see that was different. Anyway she didn't need to know everything about his personal life. Did she?

He had stopped at the local off sales and bought three bottles of expensive red, before carefully placing them on the front seat of his car and continuing his journey. He would definitely need a drink tonight and if Grace was going to force him to talk he was going to ensure that he at least enjoyed the alcohol. He turned into her quiet street pulling his car into the drive of her Victorian Semi. The black Audi parked at the side of her house had long since become a regular sight and they often laughed together about what the neighbours thought, not that either of them cared much about the neighbourhood idle gossip. Boyd closed his eyes and inhaled deeply steeling himself for the evening ahead. Carefully he lifted the bag containing the wine from the passenger seat and climbed out of his car slamming the door firmly behind him.

The gravel crunched beneath his feet as he walked towards her front door, the cold air catching his breath as he paused momentarily running his fingers roughly through his hair before reaching up to ring the doorbell. Almost immediately he saw Grace's silhouette move closer to the door before it opened.

"Hi, come in." She smiled widely, the warmth and scent of her house embracing him as he entered.

"Thanks ..." He replied stopping to wipe his feet on the mat as he handed her the wine before stooping to remove his shoes completely.

"Oh very nice choice Boyd." Grace remarked as she lifted one of the bottles to read the label.

"Well ... I thought it was the least I could do seeing as you are going to the trouble of cooking. Hmm it smells great by the way, what are you cooking?" He answered following her into the kitchen before removing the lids of the pots on the stove.

"Flambéed chicken with asparagus and parmesan-roasted potatoes." She smiled playfully slapping his hand away as he tried to dip his finger into the sauce to taste.

He raised his eyebrows as he spoke. "Oh very posh Grace, what happened to the beans on toast I normally get when I come here eh." He teased grinning widely before holding up a pacifying hand at her feigned hurt look.

"Oi! Careful you!"

"I know, I know, I'm joking ….." He laughed as she flicked the drying cloth she was holding at him. " ….. but seriously you really didn't need to go to all this trouble you know Grace."

"Yea I know, but I wanted to. It's been a while since I've cooked for anyone, and you know that I love doing it so it really is no trouble. Now are you going to stand there all night or will you at least make yourself useful and open the wine."

Boyd was surprised that dinner passed so comfortably and how at some point during the meal he had completely relaxed. This was Grace's gift to him. She was the only person in whose company he could truly be himself, no pretence. Even on nights like tonight when he was on edge she had an inept ability to put him at ease. He loved her and hated her for it in equal measures often finding that he shared more of himself than he intended. He knew it was all part of her training that enabled her to make people feel comfortable in order to gain their trust, but he also knew that with him it was different. He wasn't just another client looking for respite from their demons, or a patient needing help to pull back from the brink, he was her friend, by no stretch of the imagination, her best friend. He hated the fact she made him talk to her about things he would rather keep supressed, but at the same time he loved her deeply for caring so much for him that she took the time. He was also more than acutely aware that tonight the wine was playing a huge part in his tranquil state. That together with the fact that Grace hadn't mention Frankie all evening had led him into false sense of security. Maybe she realised that some things were better left unsaid. Then again, he thought wryly to himself, this is Grace, in her mind nothing is better left unsaid.

As they moved from the dining table to sit more comfortably in the longue he sat heavily on her sofa, head slouched against the back, his long legs stretched out in front of him.

"Thanks for dinner Grace" He smiled softly.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, it was nice to sit down and eat instead of grabbing a rushed pre-packed sandwich in the office." She replied as she curled her legs under her on the chair opposite him.

They sat in companionable silence for a few moments as Grace considered how best to brooch the elephant that was clearly in the room before deciding that the direct approach would be best. After all she did invite him round to talk about it, so it wouldn't take him by surprise.

"So are you going to tell me what was going on in the lab today with Frankie?" Grace opened gently.

Boyd sighed deeply. "Aww Grace, I know I said I'd talk, but do we really need to do this now, it's been such a lovely evening?" His tone was gentle, as his deep brown eyes locked with hers. He knew that his protests were futile, but he felt he had to at least make one last ditch attempt.

"Yes, I think we do Boyd." She answered just as gently. "Frankie has only just come back, and if today's performance is anything to go by she may not be back for very long."

"Yea well, maybe that would be for the best."

"You don't mean that."

"What? How do you know what I mean?"

"Because I know you, and I know how cut up you were when Frankie left even though you would never admit it. I know you blame yourself that she went in the first place." Grace saw a dark cloud descend over his eyes as her words flooded his head with painful memories.

He sighed deeply closing his eyes momentarily as he tried to sober himself. "She hates me Grace…." His voice no louder than a whisper. "…. and I don't blame her, not for one second."

"She doesn't hate you Boyd."

He nodded slowly. "She does ….."

"Why? Because of Mel?"

"Yea Mel, making her process the scene ... and all the rest."

"The rest? Frankie left just after Mel died, not even you could have upset her more than she was over that."

"You think?"

"Boyd, what is it?"

Boyd stood lifting his glass and motioned toward Grace. "I need another drink, do you want a refill?" She nodded her head "Yes please….." calling after him as moved into the kitchen. "…..So did you see Frankie after she left the unit then."

"Erm no …. well yes, kinda." He called back

"Kinda? Either you did or you didn't Boyd." She turned as she heard him approach and watched as he stopped and leaned into the doorway his head resting gently on the frame.

"Yea I saw her, briefly, that's part of the problem I suppose." For a moment she thought she saw a flash of regret rise within his eyes, his mind in turmoil as he desperately searched for the right words to say.

"Did you argue?"

Boyd smiled his boyish smile, the one that lets him get away with so much, and yet hides a million things more. "Contrary to popular belief Grace, I don't always feel the need to argue." He said lightly as he handed her the glass of wine he had just poured.

"Thanks …" She took a long draw from the glass before continuing. "…. I know that, and I also know what you're doing."

"And what would that be then, Grace, eh?"

"Trying to use humour to get you out of talking about how you really feel. You do it all the time."

"Is that right…?"

"Yes it is! So if you didn't argue what happened between you both to make it so …"

"Painful …?"

"I was going to say uncomfortable, but that is an interesting choice of word to use Boyd. Why painful?"

Boyd felt as though he had been betrayed by his own mouth. He could have said a hundred other words, or indeed said nothing at all; instead he inadvertently admitted one of the true deep raw emotions he felt when Frankie left. He slowly rubbed his hand over his features mentally berating himself before he continued.

"Oh …. I don't know, it was just a word. It was a very painful time for everyone Grace. You know that."

"Yes, yes it was, but it's interesting how you equated the word 'painful' when describing your relationship with Frankie."

Boyd took another long drink from his glass before sitting forward placing it on the table. He continued to stare directly in front of him, unwilling or unable to meet Grace's gaze as he closed his eyes, the memory of Frankie and her last few days at the unit swamping his thoughts. Emotions and feelings he thought he had long since forgotten returning with heated vengeance. Her touch, her scent, the way she spoke his name, all memories that once again burned painfully into his mind. He sighed deeply before beginning to speak.

"I behaved like a total idiot Grace. I hurt her, unintentionally, but the outcome was the same."

"I know that she was upset at Mel's death and having to deal with the aftermath of that, but I'm sure she knows that you were only doing her job."

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"I mean you don't understand …not fully anyway."

"Well help me understand then."

He turned and lifted his gaze to meet hers. "I …." His voice trailed off as he frustratedly ran his fingers through his hair.

"What is it Boyd?" Grace answered noticing the sadness that rested in his eyes.

"I should have told you this before, I just never found the right moment, or the right words ….."

"Tell me what?"

"Ahm a few years ago, not long before Mel …." He lowered his head unable to finish the sentence, before continuing. "… Frankie and I sort of …."

"Sort of what?"

"Well we …. erm, we started to see quite a bit of each other, outside the office I mean."

"What you and Frankie?"

"Yes Grace …. me and Frankie."

"I ….. I don't know what to say … seriously, you and Frankie, together?"

"Why is that so hard to believe Grace eh?"

"No reason, I just didn't think that she was your type. I mean scientist geek-chic and all that."

"No, nor did I. Believe me, it wasn't something I planned, or even wanted to happen … it just sort of did."

"How come you never mentioned it before?" She asked surprised at how hurt she felt at the fact he hadn't taken her into his confidence before now.

"Erm, I honestly don't know. I guess we just wanted to see where it went before we made it public, and as it happens it was over almost before it began."

"Still …. I'm not just the public Boyd; I'm allegedly your best friend."

"You are Grace, you know that, and I'm sorry, truly I am. It's just I could never find the right moment and I wasn't sure how you would react."

"How did you think I would react Boyd?"

"I dunknow, I just didn't want to take the chance of anything spoiling … well my happiness I guess."

"And did you seriously think I would do that?"

"No, not at all. I suppose I stupidly thought if I was to tell anyone that somehow it would be … I don't know … jinxed in some way."

"You don't really believe in all that do you?"

He shook his head slowly. "No. In the end it didn't matter though did it. After Mel everything changed."

"With Frankie?"

"With Frankie, with me ….everything. I couldn't give her the comfort she needed and pushed her away when she needed me most."

"You were hurting as well Boyd, we all were."

"Yea, but rather than deal with what was happening I shut everything and everyone out especially her. Anyway the end result was that she ended it, didn't want to see or speak to me again, and I don't blame her. When she left the Unit there didn't seem any reason to mention our relationship, it would have been like re-opening the wound and I just couldn't face it Grace."

"Did you ever try to contact her after she left?"

"Yea once. When Sarah and I were together it became obvious that she wanted more than I could give her. On one occasion when she had returned to the US she rang and left a message on my answer phone telling me that ahm … she was in love with me ….."

"Hmm Eve did mention."

"….. I knew then that I didn't feel the same way about her and it bothered me a little. I mean she was stunningly attractive, funny, intelligent; I should have been delirious that she even wanted to be with me, but I wasn't. At first I thought it was because of all the stuff going on with Luke at the time, but I began to realise that I couldn't love her because I had never really forgotten Frankie."

"And where you in love with Frankie?" Grace softly asked him as she took another long draw from her glass.

"I honestly dunknow Grace." He answered softly shaking his head. "but yea …. I think I might have been, or at least been heading in that direction. I just remember feeling completely happy and content." Grace swallowed hard as the sting of regret and sadness from his words hung in the air.

"So what happened when you eventually contacted Frankie then?"

"I didn't."

"Sorry?"

"Well when I finally plucked up the courage to go and see her she wasn't there. Her neighbour gleefully informed me that she had moved to a posh new apartment on the River with her handsome young man."

"Ouch…."

"Yea well, that was that wasn't it. The story of my life Grace, when I finally work out what I want it's too late."

"And now? How do you feel now that she's back?"

"I really don't know. Part of me is glad to see her. I mean, its Frankie isn't it, the old team. It feels right somehow."

"And the other part?"

"Wishes she had have stayed away." He said sadly before holding his palms up in defence. "I know Grace; I know you don't have to tell me. I'm a selfish…..."

"I wasn't going to say anything." She interjected. "

"But that's what you're thinking though."

"No, not at all. I'm just wondering where you go from here."

"Damned if I know!"

"Well I had no idea. I wish you had of told me sooner ….."

"Grace …. I .."

"But I understand why you didn't."

"You do?"

"Yes of course. My pride may be a little hurt that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it, but I can see why you would have wanted to keep it quiet."

"Thanks Grace, for understanding I mean." His eyes filled with genuine sincerity. "You do know don't you that once the time was right you would have been the first person I spoke to."

"Really?"

"Undoubtedly."

She smiled softly at him her eyes reflecting the deep affection she felt towards her friend. "For what it's worth I am sorry."

"For what?" He shrugged.

"That it didn't work out for you, that something which obviously meant a lot to you and made you happy ended in such a cruel way. Contrary to what you believe, you deserve happiness in your life Boyd."

He smiled fondly at her. Grace …. Beautiful, wonderful, intuitive, supportive Grace …. allowing himself a fleeting moment of imagining how different his life would be if she wasn't in it. Dark, lonely and cold. His work and her friendship were the only constant thing he had and he knew that he would be lost without them both.

"Yea well … like I said it's the story of my life. I should be well used to it by now."

"Oh come on … it's not all bad is it?"

"No, I suppose not." He breathed deeply and smiled softly at her. "Come here Grace." He motioned holding out his arm and wrapping it around her as she sat next to him. "You've been a good friend to me haven't you?"

"Well, I'd like to think so." She replied completely comfortable nestled underneath his strong embracive arm.

"You know I don't deserve you." He said placing a kiss gently on top of her head.

"Oh I wouldn't say that." She smiled. "I think we complement each other quite well. You gruff and hot-headed and me well …. calm and serene."

She felt his deep laugh as it reverberated through his chest before they fell once again into companionable silence each lost in their own thoughts.

"So ….." Grace's voice interrupted the stillness. "…. What's next then?"

"I suppose I have to find a way to get Frankie to speak to me. At the minute she flatly refuses."

"You need to give her time Boyd."

"And in the meanwhile …?"

"You have to find a way to work around it without causing an atmosphere in the office."

"What a mess Grace eh?"

"You'll work it out." She reassuringly patted his leg.

He gently pulled her tighter to himself sighing heavily. "I hope you're right Grace, because at the minute I'm not so sure that it will."