I was sitting at the kitchen table when he told us. I was sitting there cleaning guns, my usual task, my keep-Dean-busy task. That was when I heard my brother's loud clear and strong voice announce that he was going to go to Stanford, that they had given him a full ride, and he was going to take it. I looked down at the weapon in my hand and battled the surfer riding the wave of jealousy in my stomach. Sam deserved it. Sam was so smart. Mom would be so proud. I looked at the gun in my hands again and sighed. Mom would have been so disappointed in me. I fought the urge to cry.
Pushing myself up I went into the living room where the mother of all fights was ensuing. I just watched as my brother pushed, and my father pulled, as my brother screamed hurtful things, and my father screamed orders and hurled insults more vial than any poison created by man or monster. And I listened, aware that neither realized I was in the room, and even if they did realize I was there, they most certainly didn't care about my opinion on the subject, after all, the stupid one, the high school drop out, should be in the other room cleaning weapons, because God knew the retard couldn't handle anything more taxing.
Truth of the matter is, I hope Sam gets to go. No, I hope Sam goes whether or not Dad agrees and doesn't look back. I hope he uses that massive intellect he has. I don't want him to end up like me.
"If you go, you ungrateful son of a bitch, then you better stay gone."
"I will. You don't have to worry about that. If I never see another crap hole motel room, abandoned house, rented house, or apartment, it will be too soon." Sam said the magic words. He was leaving. He was leaving me behind. And he should.
I followed him to our room and watched from the doorway as he threw his duffel on the bed. I heard Dad slam the door and the truck leave the parking lot.
"Stanford?" I asked.
"Don't you dare give me grief Dean." Sam said and his voice was quivering, close to tears. Dad's words hurt him more than he let on down there. I guess I did teach him something. Shame it wasn't' anything important.
"Truth is. I knew this was happening." I said and went to my bed and pulled the mattress up and pulled out a box I kept under the mattress. I pulled out a wad of cash. Almost two thousand. I'd been hustling for this moment since he started mentioning college.
I looked down at the wad of cash and then extended my arm with the money and looked up at my brother. "Here. Take it."
Sam stopped in his tracks. "What?"
"I sorta knew that you were heading to college. I wanted you to leave with something. It's all I could make. I'm sorry it's not more." Sam stepped forward and looked at the wad of cash like it might bite.
"I can't take it."
"Take it Sammy."
"But you need that money. You might need a motel room. Might need gas in the car, might need food." Sam said the last painfully. He had realized at some point in the year, that I had gone without food many times over the course of our lives so he could be fed. He acted like I had done something amazing. I hadn't. I simply provided the things he needed. It's my job.
"I'm fine Sammy. I'm not the one who's going to be so busy with the books that I won't have time to get a job. Plus, you never know when you'll need socks or a new shirt or something like that."
"Dean…" His eyes had gone soft. I desperately wanted to yell and say no chick flick moments please but he started talking before I could stop him. "Dean come with me."
"What?" Shock was the word of the moment.
"Come with me to Stanford." I snorted.
"Sam. I don't even have a high school diploma."
"Take classes to get your GED and then go to community college. Something. You don't have to stay in this life."
I looked into my brother's earnest honest eyes and I had to look away. "Sam. This is my place. This is what I'm good at. School isn't for me."
"Dean."
"Take the money! Get the hell out! Go to your new life!" I yelled. I couldn't have this conversation. I couldn't have him tell me that I was smart enough to go with him. I couldn't have him talk me into it, and then be forced to tuck tail and leave less than a year later when I failed. I didn't want mom to be any more disappointed in me than she probably already was.
I left Sam in that room alone. I didn't say good bye to my brother. I couldn't' risk him trying to persuade me again. I heard the door close softly, I felt my brother leave. I felt it like I had had felt wounds before. This one was going to take a long time to heal.
I went back up to our-I mean my room, and found a note on my bed.
Dean,
You aren't stupid. You could go to college. You taught me everything I know. Don't let Dad keep putting you down. You are one of the best hunters on the planet. Everyone but you seems to know that.
Sammy
PS Thank you for the money.
I smiled and put the note in my wallet. I sat and looked around the room. I felt like a mother who lost her child. How stupid was that? I ran a hand down my face, sighed, and waited for my general to come home and put me to work on another mission.
