I'm so sorry for not updating this for a very long time. But here I am, and I'm back. I've just had a lot of my mind, svhool and other stuff. Life just haven't been the best right now, with some things happening that really put me in a bad mood. And my writing had to suffer. But I'll be better from now on, I promise! As usual, I hope you'll like it, and remember, Reviews means everything! Love
"Derek!"
Meredith turned towards the door and saw Derek's family entering the room followed closely by Mark. Carolyn got to Derek's bed first and bent forward to carefully place a kiss on his forehead. His four sisters stood behind her and Meredith recognized Nancy, who was the only sister she'd met before.
"Hi." Derek said, smiling at his family as Carolyn stroke her hand across his cheek. Meredith could see tears in her eyes, and she felt sad inside. The love Carolyn had for her son was so obvious.
Derek was sitting up in bed, and Meredith sat in the chair beside him.
"Hey little brother. How are you feeling?" one of his sisters said with a weak smile.
"Okay, I guess." he forced a smile. Meredith knew he was in a lot of pain, but he would never admit it. She could see that the others didn't believe him either, but they didn't push it any further.
Carolyn pressed Derek's hand tightly in her own, and Meredith felt an ache in her chest. She realized this was the way Carolyn had lost her husband once, and now she'd almost lost her son the same way.
Life wasn't fair. It was unfair how some people would have to suffer through so much pain. No one should have to feel that. No one should ever have to feel what Meredith had felt when she thought she was loosing Derek. As if everything just slipped right out of her hands and she couldn't do anything about it.
As a surgeon she often felt that feeling, when a life slipped out of her hand, no matter how hard she tried to save it, there was nothing she could do. But this had been different. So different. It had been Derek's life that was slipping out of her hands this time. It had been the love of her life, the one person that kept her together, the one person that made her feel as if life was worth living.
This time, it had been her own life that was slipping out of her hands. Because she knew that she would never be able to go on living without Derek, not after all this time. A life without him would be a life full of pain, because he took her pain away. Everything she'd been through, all the bad things, they didn't seem so bad when she was with Derek, because somehow, they had all led her to him. And she was nothing without him. He made her life complete. Without him nothing made any sense.
"So, this is the wife you've kept safely away from us all this time?"
Meredith looked up when she felt the Shepherds staring at her. They had been talking to Derek and Mark, but she hadn't been listening. She had been absorbed too deeply in her own thoughts.
She turned her head to Derek, who smiled that beautiful smile at her, as if to tell her that it was going to be okay. She turned to face his sisters again, and took a deep breath. How bad could it be, right? They were his family after all. That meant they were her family, kind of.
"Yeah. I'm Meredith." she said with a weak smile.
"It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Kathleen." said the one of his sisters who had talked to her earlier. To Meredith's surprise Kathleen stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. Meredith carefully hugged her back, confused. This wasn't how it was supposed to go? They were supposed to judge her, right?
The other sisters followed Kathleen's lead and introduced themselves. Meredith smiled. She hadn't expected this. They seemed so nice. They didn't seem to judge her at all. It wasn't what she had expected. It wasn't that bad at all.
"Okay, I have to go. Page me if you need anything." Mark said with a smile before turning around and disappearing out of the door.
The room got quiet for a moment before Nancy spoke up.
"What happened Derek? How could all of this happen?"
Derek sighed. He took a deep breath and started from the beginning. He told them the whole story about Mr. Clark and the reason he had come to the hospital in the first place. Meredith could see in Derek's eyes how hard it was for him to relive it, but he kept talking anyway. It was hard for her to hear it too. It all felt so close, but still so far away. One moment she felt as if she was going through it all over again, and the next moment she felt as if it wasn't real, as if it was just a bad dream.
When he was finished, the color was gone from everyone's face.
"Oh, Derek." Carolyn said, tears running down her face. She stroke her hand over his hair, as if he was still her little boy. And in some way, maybe he was. Maybe that never went away.
"Meredith, are you okay?"
Meredith turned to her mother in law, who sat in a chair next to Derek's bed. Meredith sat in the couch, and Julie sat beside her reading a magazine while Nancy, Amelia and Kathleen were down in the cafeteria to get something to eat. Derek was sleeping, and he had been asleep for over an hour now.
"I'm fine." Meredith said to Carolyn, forcing a smile.
She wasn't fine at all, and she was glad Derek wasn't awake to hear her use the word that for them had a whole different meaning. He would see through her words right away, and he would know she was just pretending.
In fact, she felt everything but fine. She was still in some pain from the miscarriage, and she hadn't been sleeping since her nightmare. She had barely had anything to eat. Since last morning she had only eaten a sandwich that Christina had almost shoved down her throat. She just didn't have any appetite. Food was the last thing on her mind right now.
Meredith turned her eyes to Derek, who was sleeping. He had been sleeping a lot, which was completely normal for someone who had been shot and gone through a heart surgery. The more sleep he got, the faster he would heal. That was how the body worked.
But even if Meredith knew that, she couldn't help but wishing Derek would wake up. She wanted him to be awake, because she had a hard time dealing with his family by herself. They were so nice to her, but she couldn't help but feeling uncomfortable in their presence. She felt as if she had to say something to them, to say something supportive or comforting, but she couldn't think of anything to say. She couldn't find the right words.
"Hey. We got some food. Doesn't look to good though, but I guess it's the same in every hospital." Amelia said with a smile and handed the boxes of food over to her mother and Julie. Kathleen handed one to Meredith.
"Here you go. We figured you were hungry too." she said with a smile.
"Thank you." Meredith said, smiling back to her sister-in-law accepting the food and opening the box to start eating. She wasn't really hungry, but she knew she had to eat. She had barely eaten since yesterday morning, and she needed it to get some energy back.
"We ran in to Richard on our way back. He told us to say hi to you." Kathleen said and turned to Meredith. "Apparently he has a lot to deal with, and therefore he hasn't been able to stop by. But he said he'll try to come back later, when Derek is awake. He said he needed to talk to him."
"Good." Meredith said. She knew Mark had talked to Richard about Derek wanting to step down as chief, and she guessed that was the reason they needed to talk.
"I can only imagine how crazy it must be for him right now. Stepping up in Derek's place trying to handle this whole situation." Carolyn said, looking up at her sleeping son. "Moving the patients, handling the police, talking to the families. Making sure that everyone is taken care of. It's not an easy job." she said.
"Definitely not." Kathleen said, putting away her now empty box. She looked at her watch. "Oh, we should probably get going. Visiting hours are over soon."
Nancy nodded and stood "I guess we better get moving then."
Meredith looked up at them. "Where are you going?"
"We're staying at The Archfield's tonight." Carolyn said with a smile, picking up her bag and leaning forward to kiss Derek's forehead.
"Oh, you know, you don't have to do that." Meredith said, causing them all to look at her. "I mean, our house is big enough for all of you. Besides, no one's sleeping there now anyway." she said, feeling sad inside at the thought. Everyone who lived in her house was either lying in a hospital bed, or sitting beside one, waiting.
"Oh, that's not necessary, my dear." Carolyn smiled. "We don't want to be intrusive."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that. That house has been crowded for years. " Mark's voice came from the doorway. "I'm not even sure Meredith knows everyone who has lived there."
Meredith rolled her eyes. "Right. It's not that bad." she said.
Mark laughed. "Actually, it is. I'm amazed Derek has put up with it all this time." he smirked before he turned to Carolyn. "She's right though. You don't need to stay at a hotel. I can drive you to the house if you want."
"Okay." Carolyn said with a smile. "Thank you Meredith." she said, pulling Meredith close in a hug.
"Oh, don't worry about it." Meredith smiled.
The rest of the sisters stood up. Julie gave her a hug.
"We'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Bye." Meredith said with a smile as they disappeared. Mark smiled at her.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine." she answered, sitting down in the chair beside Derek's bed.
"Well, you should try to get some sleep. It will make you feel better, I promise. I'll see you tomorrow, Grey."
"Yeah. And Mark." she said, as he started to walk. He stopped and turned around, facing her. "Thank you."
"Don't worry about it." He said with a smile and turned around.
Meredith smiled as he disappeared. Many times she had thought Mark was a jerk, but he was Derek's best friend, and she could really understand why. Because on the inside, behind all that insecurity, he was a really nice guy. He was a lot like Derek, actually.
She sighed, feeling the exhaustion washing over her. She needed to sleep, but she was afraid. Afraid that if she fell asleep, the pictures would be back to haunt her. She couldn't handle that, and she really didn't know how to chase them away. So she stayed awake. She forced herself to stay awake, to not close her eyes. And the hours passed by, with Meredith sinking deep into her own thoughts.
"Hey." Derek's voice woke her up from her thoughts. It had gotten really dark outside, and the hospital was quiet. "You should be sleeping." he said.
Meredith leaned forward to kiss him softly, ignoring his comment. "Hey. You feeling alright?"
"I'm good. You?"
"I'm fine."
Derek raised his eyebrows. "Fine, huh? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, really." Meredith said with a smile. "Just tired."
"You got any sleep?"
Derek said, sitting up in the bed.
"Not that much. It's kind of hard to fall asleep." That was not true at all. Falling asleep was actually really easy. It was being asleep that was hard. Being asleep without the nightmares was impossible.
"Bad dreams?" Derek asked with a sad face and Meredith nodded. A few years ago she would have lied to him, and told him everything was okay. But not now. She knew it wouldn't do anything good. He would never believe that lie. Besides, she wasn't running. Never again.
"Come here." Derek said, patting on the bed beside him and Meredith looked at him hesitant.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." she said.
"Why is that?" Derek smiled and tilted his head to the side.
"Because you had heart surgery yesterday." she pointed out.
"That doesn't mean you can't lay beside me. Come here."
Meredith hesitated before kicking off her shoes and slowly crawling up in the bed. She was careful not to touch him, and Derek smiled, amused at her efforts.
"You know, you wont hurt me if you touch me. I'm not that sick. I expected you to know that. I mean, you are a doctor after all." he smiled.
"Oh shut up." Meredith said and rolled her eyes at him.
"My wife is cranky again. I guess everything is alright with the world." he said with little laugh, putting his arm around her.
"You are such an idiot." she mumbled, before laying her head down carefully on his shoulder. She hadn't realized how much she wanted this, how much she needed to be this close to him. For the very first time since yesterday, she felt safe.
"I know." Derek said with a smile, looking down at her. "I love you."
"I love you too."
And by sleeping in Derek's arms that night, she was able to escape from the nightmares.
