Hurrying to Alex's office she skidded to a stop when she saw Casey peeping out of her office.
"Liv…Liv!" Casey whispered somewhat loudly.
"What? Is she in there?" She gestured to Alex's closed door as Casey emerged into the hallway with her.
"Liv, I'm sorry about messing this up, you know how I think sometimes, I tried to make sure I told her you weren't seeing someone else and she apologized for doubting me but then I turned around and said I wouldn't break your trust and then she…"
"Case, its okay…," she raised her arm and rubbed Casey's upper arm reassuringly. "God, I'm being a chicken shit anyway, this is how this whole mess started, and I should just talk to her."
Casey's face was slightly flushed and she looked like she was truly upset by the turn of events.
At that moment, ADA Cabot opened her door. Her blue eyes locked on the two startled faces in the hallway as they snapped up in her direction and then to where Olivia's hand was touching Casey's arm.
"Alex…" Casey and Olivia said at the same time as Alex closed her eyes slowly as if to block out the image before her. Breathing in deeply, she slammed her office door shut behind her and walked down the hall without giving them another look.
"Oh fuck…" Casey whispered and looked at Olivia's shocked face.
"Shit, shit shit!" Olivia whispered harshly and put her hands on my knees and leaned forward in an attempt to calm herself.
"Go! Liv, go after her!" Casey gestured wildly for Olivia to follow Alex.
"Yeah, I am, I am…I'm just trying to remember how to breathe…" She stood and gave Casey a quick nod before she trotted down the hall in Alex's wake.
Casey leaned against her door and almost fell into her office as the door swung open under her weight. She hadn't closed it properly when she'd come out. Regaining her balance she moved to her chair and sat, letting her head fall onto the desk in front of her with a small thud.
"Ouch…"
ON THE STREET
"Alex!" Olivia could see the blonde head moving through the crowd just up ahead but lunch time was never a good time to actually get around efficiently in the city.
Alex heard Olivia call to her from somewhere behind her but she refused to turn and acknowledge her. She wanted to lose herself in the crowd and never see another face she knew ever again.
She walked briskly, knowing that if she didn't put enough distance between herself and Olivia she'd lose her mind. She had been in the woman's life for years now, they slept together, they talked, they laughed, they…they loved.
Olivia had become her weakness; she spent at least 5 nights a week with Olivia, either at her apartment uptown or at Olivia's place. If she wasn't with the woman, she was thinking about her. She had clothes and work clothes at the woman's apartment for crying out loud; and Olivia had things at her place…even one of her signature leather jackets hung in her closet, that beautiful brown one that brought out Olivia's eyes. Maybe it was all just a lie, maybe Olivia didn't find the comfort she needed in her arms, and maybe she was too high maintenance for Olivia. Maybe looking at Alex only reminded her of the job…but Casey was an ADA too, so no, it had to be her. She just wasn't enough for Olivia. Olivia used to be so casual with her, so affectionate. Now she would find Olivia studying her, and she would always look like there was something she wanted to say…or maybe it was admit?
Deep down she knew Olivia wasn't cheating on her and Casey wouldn't do that to her but that didn't matter right now, right now she was hurt. The detective had been so uncharacteristic lately that seeing her with Casey was a good enough explanation to lean on.
Olivia would make little jokes about how they were always at each others place and Olivia would always be so carefully to not to be in her way in the morning when they were rushing around to get ready in the past couple weeks. It was like she didn't want to look at her in the light of day.
Olivia had never been so careful around her before, not even when they first started spending the night at each others apartments. At least now she knew it was because she was hiding an affair…with her colleague of all people. Stop it; she's not sleeping with Casey.
It was just easy to be mad right now.
She took a sharp right down an alley and kept walking briskly. As the wind picked up, and breezed through the alley she regretted not grabbing her jacket.
"Alex, stop please!" Olivia hadn't missed a step and she call to Alex as she rounded the corner.
"What do you want from me Detective?!" Alex turned and yelled knowing that passing pedestrians on the street wouldn't even bat an eye at 2 people arguing in an alley. The emotion was thick in her voice as her anger mingled with hurt.
"Alex, listen to me, this is getting crazy!"
"I'm Crazy!?!"
"NO! Alex this is my fault-"
"Damn right it's your fault Detective Benson, at least now you're no longer MY problem." Alex turned to continue her journey.
"Alex, stop, you don't understand-"
"You're wrong; I do understand…it's very clear to me what's been going on. You stare at me like you don't know what you're doing with me, you stay so far away from me when I'm at your apartment or your at mine, especially in the morning, even after we've have a great night together. I also understand that you only come into the kitchen to say good –bye or sometimes you just call out 'later' while I'm still in the shower…Liv, you make love to me and that's the only time I know you're there with me completely, but you've been avoiding any serious conversation about us…wait, who am I kidding though right? US?" Alex tossed her head back and laughed humorlessly. "Is there even an 'us' anymore, or is it just you and Casey? Olivia, just tell me it's over, you don't have to struggle to end it anymore."
She knew it was a stab in the dark and she'd already realized that Olivia wouldn't cheat on her but she couldn't really identify any other reasons for the Detective's behavior just yet.
"Don't say that Alex, please, I'm not seeing Casey and I think you know it. You're jumping to conclusions. This is very hard for me…it's hard to approach you sometimes Alex. It's just not what you think it is."
"Then the secrecy all of a sudden and your distance is a figment of my imagination? You know what," Alex sighed; she was letting her inner bitch out and poor Olivia was going to be singed by the flames if she wasn't careful. "Forget it, maybe when I'm in a more rational frame of mind we can talk. Right now I'm only going to hack into you about this." Alex began walking towards a very distressed looking Olivia. She didn't stop; she just brushed past Olivia and kept going, retracing her steps.
"Alex…"
"Yes, Olivia? What?" Alex stopped but didn't turn around to face the suddenly small voiced of the Detective; she didn't want Olivia to see her tears.
Moving up behind the ADA slowly, she stood behind her. She knew that it was now or never and fear was no longer an option.
She took a deep cleansing breath and began, "I can't think clearly Alex, and I second guess myself with you. It…it scares me how much I think about you, how much I love you. I know usually people freak out at the beginning but this isn't the beginning of a relationship type thing; this is different, very different. The more serious it gets the more I panic. I have been asking so many people for there advice and I never stopped to think that I was pulling away from you. Fear…fear is a something that consumes people; it makes a fairly stable woman very weak."
At that, Alex turned around to see only sincerity in Olivia's equally as moist eyes but she was too vulnerable right now. She believed her but she couldn't let the feeling of despair she felt after seeing Olivia with Casey go just yet. Not after what had been running around in her blonde head.
"Olivia, what could you be afraid of? It's me, Alex, you know me…God, I wish I could accept this…I just can't right now…I'm feeling so…so hurt right now-"
"After I had coffee with Casey? After I touched her arm in a comforting way because she said some things to you and complicated things for me? Alex, give me a chance to explain, please." Olivia pleaded softly.
"Honestly, this isn't about Casey, it was just something I could use to rationalize why you'd pull away, I know you wouldn't do that…I didn't mean to doubt you or Casey but…I'm just going to go home right now, Olivia, I-"
"You know I love you Lex; and I'd never ever be unfaithful to you. If you already know that then give me a chance to explain. Meet me in Central Park in 2 hours, meet me there and I'll explain everything. At the Gapstow Bridge, Central Park, in 2 hours…please?"
"Why am I going to agree to this? What have you been hiding from me if not an affair, Detective?"
"You're agreeing to this because you know I'd never do anything to deliberately hurt you, think about my behavior, I know it's been a little erratic lately but think about what's in my heart, Lex."
Sighing heavily, Alex looked at Olivia for a few moments before answering.
"Fine. I'll be there in 2 hours and this better be one hell of a good explanation." Alex began to walk backwards and turned abruptly and walked away. Her expression was unreadable although there were tears making there way down her cheek.
