Here is the final chapter. I hope you like it. This truly was only meant to be a very short oneshot, but I was encouraged to expand on it. You can thank Dottynha for that. You can follow her on twitter saradotta. You can also follow me on twitter storyteller125. Please feel free to review; I encourage feedback, both positive and negative.


Carly Shay perched precariously on top of Freddie's tech cart. She had removed all of his equipment and pushed it underneath the high beam in the iCarly studio. In front of her was a noose fashioned from some sturdy rope Spencer kept around the loft. It had taken some time and a lot of trial and error to get the noose to just the right height.

Carly's face was impassive and betrayed no emotion whatsoever. No anger, no sadness, no guilt, no remorse and no tears. Carly had cried so much over the last few weeks that there were just no more tears left to shed. If Carly was feeling anything it was a grim determination to do this, to make things right and to atone for her sins.

She maneuvered her head inside the circle of rope and pulled the cord a little tighter around her neck. Finally she was ready; she gave a quick thought to Spencer and Sam but quickly put it out of her head. It was time for her to make things right, to pay for her mistakes.

Deftly, Carly pushed the tech cart over with her feet so it fell out of her reach. She plunged straight down and the rope cinched firmly around her neck, digging tightly into the soft flesh of her neck. Out of reflex she grabbed at her neck and struggled momentarily, but at no time did she have any second thoughts. Quickly her air gave out and she stopped struggling; shortly after that darkness over came her…..

Carly woke up and sat upright in bed. Her breath was ragged and she was covered in sweat. It took a moment for her to get her bearings. She rarely woke up from a dream so abruptly. It was almost three in the morning, barely 12 hours after Freddie's funeral. Pushing back the covers she rose out of bed and carefully tip-toed across her bedroom towards the door. Sam was sleeping on the couch in her room and she didn't want to wake her up.

Turning on the light in the bathroom Carly examined her face carefully. There were dark circles under eyes and her skin was extremely pale. Her mouth frowned slightly; it appeared to her that a dark cloud of sadness and melancholy was permanently etched on her face. She could not remember the last time she had laughed or felt any joy. She turned on the cold water and splashed some on her face hoping that would cool her down.

Quietly she stepped back into her room only to find the stealth unnecessary. Sam was sitting up on the couch waiting for her. In the semi-darkness of the room Carly could hardly see her, but she heard her when she called out, "You ok Carls? I heard you wake up."

Carly sat down next to Sam on the couch. "Yeah, I just had a bad dream."

"What was it about?"

Sam asked innocently, and Carly was about to tell her the truth, but instead she lied, "It was about Freddie. I miss him."

Carly wasn't exactly sure why she lied to Sam. She had spent every night with Carly since Freddie's death; she must have been afraid to leave her alone. Would it be shocking if she knew her best friend had just had a graphic dream of her own suicide?

Sam did her best to be reassuring. "I miss him too."

Carly bit her lip; she didn't want to tell Sam what she had really dreamed, but she did want to ask her something. "Sam, do you think Freddie dying is my fault?"

Sam paused the briefest of moments before answering as emphatically as she could, "No, of course not."

Sam continued to talk but Carly had no idea what she was saying. All she could think about was that Sam had paused before answering. Sam thought she was responsible for Freddie's death. Just as surely as Mrs. Benson thought it was her fault, so did Sam.

Eventually Carly realized Sam was asking her a question. "Yeah, I'm still here. Sorry, I'm just tired. How about going back to sleep?"

"No problem Cupcake. You need anything?" Sam was showing the caring side of her personality few people besides maybe her and Spencer ever saw. It was touching and for a moment Carly wished more people knew about it.

Carly gave Sam her best smile under the circumstances. "I'm fine. I'll see you later after we get up."

It was a particular quirk of Sam's that she could fall asleep in a moment most any time she wanted. Carly could hear her softly snoring by the time she pulled the covers back over herself. Sleep, however, did not come quickly for her. She lay in bed staring up at her ceiling thinking.

Carly kept thinking about her dream. It was possibly the most vivid dream she had ever had. The thought of suicide was alien to her; never in her life had she considered the possibility, but the dream made her reconsider. She remembered how at peace she had felt making the preparations. How things felt…she fumbled for the right words in her mind…balanced. She decided it felt good because she was making up for Freddie. She was the one who should have been hit by the truck, she was the one who should have died. She could help make up for Mrs. Benson's grief, even possibly Sam's, by giving up her own life.

The night Freddie woke up she had sincerely prayed to God and asked him to let Freddie wake up. God did answer her prayer by letting Freddie wake up, but he had also cruelly rebuked her by letting him die mere hours later. Was she meant to die that day instead? Carly thought about praying and asking God for guidance again, but decided it wasn't necessary. She thought God had already given her an answer.


It was the Friday after Freddie's funeral and Carly and Spencer were having a mild argument. It was Socko's birthday and Spencer was going to skip their annual night fishing birthday ritual because he didn't want to leave Carly alone for the night. Melanie was visiting and Sam was having dinner with her and their mother; she was going to spend the night again but couldn't make it over to Bushwell Plaza until later in the evening.

Carly and Spencer were standing behind the couch. Carly had her hands on her hips with what Spencer privately referred to as her "pissed off look". "It's Socko's birthday and you do this every year. You can leave me alone."

Spencer was growing tired of the argument. "It's so soon after Freddie, I'm not sure you should be alone."

"Come on Spencer, I can't spend the entire rest of my life with you or Sam right by my side. What do you think I'm going to do anyway?"

Spencer sighed, he had worried that Carly might harm herself in the throes of her depression or do something plain stupid like start drinking. He didn't want to tell her that, however, in case it would upset her more. "Maybe I don't want you to have a boy up here, you're getting older and…growing up." Spencer really didn't mean it and he knew Carly knew he didn't mean it, which somehow made him crack a smile.

Spencer's smile was contagious and Carly cracked one of her own. "Go have fun with Socko. You need to get out and have some fun. Don't worry, there will be no boys up here to steal my innocence. Promise."

Spencer couldn't help laughing. "That's the last time I ever want to hear you use that phrase with me. Ok, ok, I'll let Socko know I'm coming."

Carly embraced her big brother, "Wish him a happy birthday for me." Carly had an ulterior motive for hugging Spencer; she did not want him to see the look of sadness on her face Carly was certain had to be there. If he knew what she was planning to do he wouldn't care one bit about her innocence.


Spencer said his farewell to Carly and was out the front door with all of his fishing gear. Carly sat on the couch and absent-mindedly watched television for another 15 minutes, making sure Spencer was truly on his way. Once she was certain he wasn't coming back she hurried upstairs. It was time to put her plan into action.

First she took a long, hot shower, including thoroughly washing her hair. After that she dried her hair and styled it as best she could. Once that was done she carefully did her makeup. It occurred to her that if Spencer came home now and caught her he would probably think she really was having a boy up to the loft. Despite the grim task ahead of her, this thought made her chuckle quietly to herself. She searched through her closet until she found the dress she was looking for. Another five minutes of searching produced the shoes she needed.

Once she had the dress and shoes on she examined herself in the mirror. She was wearing the exact outfit and shoes she wore the night of the girl's choice dance, when she and Freddie had shared that wonderful slow dance in the Groovy Smoothie. Spencer hated the dress, he thought it was too short and revealing, in fact that's about the time he started worrying about her innocence. Freddie loved it, however, and it was for him that she chose it.

Satisfied with her appearance, she went to her dresser and pulled out three envelopes hidden inside her underwear drawer. She checked to make sure the right letters were inside the right envelopes. There was one for Spencer, one for Sam and one for Mrs. Benson. Once finished she left her room after taking one more look. From there she walked up the stairs to the iCarly studio. The room was dark; Carly did not turn on the lights. Instead she kept the room in shadows. Without Freddie the room did not have the same sense of warmth and joy for her. Now it was just an empty room.

Quickly she made her way down the stairs to the first floor. She placed each of the envelopes on the kitchen table where she was sure they would be found. She hoped the letters would be enough; she had used Spencer's and Sam's to apologize and explain her reasons. They had been difficult to write; Mrs. Benson's was much easier. She had simply wrote, "I am so sorry, this is all my fault. I hope you can forgive me someday."

Pausing at the front door, Carly took a last look at her home. It was her haven and sanctuary at one time, but no longer. It was time for her to make up for what she had done and atone for her sins. She had to pay her penance for Freddie.

Locking the front door behind her, she quickly hurried to the elevator, not wanting to accidentally run into Mrs. Benson. Once the elevator arrived she entered and pressed the number for the top floor of Bushwell Plaza. There was a door for a stairway on the top floor that led to the roof. The door was supposed to be kept locked but the lock had been broken for years and had never been repaired. She and Sam went up to the roof at times when they wanted to hang out without Spencer lurking around.

There was a strong breeze as Carly stepped out onto the roof. The night was cloudy and not much moonlight was able to break through. Carly thought she might be scared at this point but found that wasn't the case. Just as in her dream she felt no trepidation at all and knew that what she was doing was right.

She approached the ledge of the building at the corner to the right of the side of the front entrance. As she peered over the edge to the street far below she allowed herself to feel a little sadness over the effect her actions would have on Spencer and Sam. She hoped they would be able to help each other through their shared grief. She had even asked Spencer to look out for Sam in his letter while asking the same thing of Sam in hers.

Carly took off her shoes and carefully stepped up on the ledge. The breeze slowed and she found that she could easily balance herself. She waited to see if any second thoughts would come. None did; she looked up towards the sky and spoke her last words, "Don't worry God, I'm making up for Freddie."

With those words Carly spread her arms out and let herself fall forward, her momentum taking her over the edge. She closed her eyes as she fell faster and faster, her body reaching a speed that was beyond fatal. Before she struck the ground the last thought Carly had was that she hoped neither Sam nor Spencer would see her on the sidewalk.


Carly woke up to the sensation of someone stroking her hair. It was a pleasant feeling and she reveled in it, not wanting to open her eyes and possibly break the illusion if she was dreaming. She then felt a pair of lips kiss her softly on the temple and call her name. "Carly, wake up." Recognizing Freddie's voice she immediately sat bolt upright, almost bumping her head into his.

Looking around Carly could see, even in her somewhat groggy state, that she had woken up in a meadow, the most serene and possibly beautiful outdoor scene she could imagine. The grass was a deep green and extremely lush; there were tall trees off in the distance. The temperature was warm, but not too warm, and a mild breeze was blowing. It was peaceful, she felt like she could stay there for eternity; and sitting in front of her on his knees was Freddie.

The cobwebs cleared quickly and Carly remembered just what she had done. "Freddie, is it really you?" She reached out and touched his left cheek with her right hand. Freddie remained motionless, his face showing a mostly blank expression, the barest trace of a smile present. Pulling her hand slowly back, Carly smiled, "It worked, didn't it? It's really you." At this point Carly noticed Freddie wasn't smiling and didn't seem as happy as she would have hoped.

"It's really me Carly, and yes, you're dead." A slight note of resignation escaped his voice.

Carly sensed something was bothering Freddie. "What's the matter?"

Freddie looked in every direction but Carly's. Finally he replied, still not looking directly at her. "It's that you're dead."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

Freddie sighed loudly. "When I woke up in the hospital I couldn't remember what had happened. All I knew was that I was happy you were safe, and that's all I cared about. To be honest, though, I thought I would have done the same thing for Spencer, Gibby and even Sam. In the hospital I couldn't remember anything after a certain point that morning, but I knew I would want everyone, especially you, to be safe."

Freddie paused. Carly didn't think Freddie was finished and did not interrupt. After a few heartbeats he continued, "Once I got here I remembered everything. I mean literally everything in perfect clarity and detail. I remember every detail of the street when you started to cross. I remember the look on Sam's face and every person within viewing distance when we realized you couldn't hear us. I remember running for you as fast as I could and pushing you out of the way. I remember the truck slamming into my body; I can remember the exact moment when my bones broke and my legs were crushed and exactly how it felt. I can remember everything of what happened, but do you know what I remember the most? What memory pushes all of the others away? In that moment when I realized that truck was going to run you down, I knew with absolute certainty and no doubt whatsoever, that I loved you more than anything else in existence. I loved you more than any other possibility in the universe, including myself. I knew that I loved you so much that I would gladly and without hesitation trade my life for yours."

"Do you understand Carly? I wanted you to live so badly at that moment. I was willing to trade my life so that you could enjoy a long and happy existence. I wanted you to have fun with Sam, fall in love, have a family, grow old in peace; I wanted you to know the best of what life has to offer. Instead…instead…"

"Your sacrifice was in vain, because I wasted the opportunity that you gave to me." Carly was not feeling so good; all the sudden she could understand Freddie's unhappiness. The feelings of guilt that had driven her to take her own life began to flood back. "I'm sorry, I really am. I understand if you're mad at me and want me to go."

"No Carly, God no, I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you; I still love you more than anything in creation. I'm mad at myself." Freddie's face softened; he scooted closer to Carly so they were facing each closely sitting on their knees and took both of her hands into his own and brought them to his lips. He locked his eyes with Carly's, registering the slight confusion apparent on Carly's face.

Freddie continued, "I'm mad at myself because I am so glad you're here. Believe me, I really wanted you to live a long and fulfilled life and I know that Spencer and Sam must be grieving horribly right now."

Carly inwardly winced at the mention of Spencer and Sam. That was still the one thing she regretted about what she had done, putting both of them through the incredible guilt and sorrow of losing her so soon after Freddie. She wished there was some way to comfort them from wherever she was now; she tried to explain herself with her suicide notes, but she doubted they were enough. She did not explain this to Freddie, just nodded slightly to indicate he should go on.

"I am so sorry that you felt the need to give up your own life and that they must be hurting so much right now, but I just can't bring myself to be sad for them. I am feeling guilty because right now none of that matters; I would rather be happy with you here with me for an eternity than with them for the next 60 or 70 years. It's selfish and it doesn't make me a good person and that's why I'm mad at myself."

Carly did not know what to say to all of that. She remembered what she did when a similar situation presented itself in the hospital after Freddie had woken up. She quickly leaned in and without any warning pressed her lips deeply against Freddie's. Freddie was momentarily surprised but quickly responded to the kiss and began to return it fervently. Time lost whatever meaning it currently had as the two of them began to give in to the passion that had been building between them for years.

Eventually they broke away from each other long enough for Carly to whisper, "If you're a selfish person then so am I. I don't regret what I did and I would rather spend eternity with you now than live 70 years missing you and wondering what if."

Freddie kissed her deeply on the lips one more time and then stood up. He helped Carly to her feet and took a long look at her. "You know I've always loved that skirt on you."

Carly smiled, it was a somewhat mischievous smile that she rarely displayed, "I know, that's why I wore it. I was hoping I'd be wearing it when I saw you."

Freddie noticed she was barefoot, "Too bad about your shoes."

"I wasn't wearing any when I…you know. Considering where we are now I guess it's for the best."

Freddie agreed, "Good point. I think you have some at home."

Carly was puzzled. "Home?"

"I apparently have a house just over the hill over there. It has everything I need. This morning women's clothes and shoes appeared, seemingly in your size too. I guess someone knew you were coming." Freddie smiled and took Carly's hand and began to lead her toward what was seemingly home.

As they walked Carly took in her surroundings. A final question came to her, "Freddie, where are we?"

Freddie stopped and took a hard look around. He shook his head and looked at Carly, marveling again at just how beautiful she was. "I don't know, but as long as you are here with me I'm going to consider it Heaven."