Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who's replied with such wonderful enthusaism to this story! I hope you keep reading and enjoying.
Hello, Goodbye
by Kristen Elizabeth
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere?
- Jann Arden
She was surrounded by desert. The road stretched in front of her for miles, but she could only see what was right in front of her. It was always a strange feeling, like even though she knew where she was going, anything at all could be waiting for her in the darkness. And she wouldn't know until she was immediately upon it. When it was too late to turn back.
Catherine hadn't been thrilled with the idea of sending her out into the field alone, but even with the addition of Keppler, they were short-staffed. The scene to which she was heading wasn't major enough to warrant two CSIs.
Sara didn't mind working alone. In fact, she preferred it now that she was experiencing unpredictable bouts of morning sickness. If she needed to pull over on the road, she didn't have to come up with any excuses for her sudden nausea. She could puke in peace.
It was official now that her gynecologist had examined her. The baby was due in mid-July. While Sara wasn't in love with the idea of being nine months pregnant in the heat of a Las Vegas summer, she discovered that she was growing a little more attached to the fetus with each passing day.
She wasn't ready to pick out baby names, however. Until Grissom knew about the baby, it didn't seem right to make any long-term plans. She'd started taking better care of herself with vitamins and rest, and for now that would have to do.
It was little wonder that she tried to avoid thinking about him, because invariably when she did, loneliness would smack her across the face. Her heart bled from missing him. And he'd only been gone for nine days.
Their last phone conversation had left them in an awkward limbo. She admitted that it was her fault. In a moment of weakness after throwing up for almost an hour, she'd found herself dialing his number, needing to hear his voice. But she hadn't been prepared for the anger that suddenly came over her.
He was on the other side of the country teaching a bunch of brown-nosing college students about one stupid bug while her body was being put through hell. And then he had the nerve to act like he hadn't foreseen that separation would hurt them both.
It had struck a nerve, and she'd lashed out at him. Now she was afraid of what damage she might have done to the already-delicate balance of their relationship. But she was determined not to be the one to call again. Let him take a turn.
Apparently, Grissom could read her mind all the way in Massachusetts. Because no more than five minutes later, her cell phone rang. She took one hand off the wheel long enough to set her wireless earpiece in place.
"You're up late," she said, returning her eyes to the road.
"I couldn't sleep," Grissom said. "Am I catching you at a bad time?"
"I'm on my way to a scene. And I'm alone. So no, you're fine."
"You're feeling better then?"
Sara smiled softly. "I'm okay. For now."
"See, that does nothing to ease my mind." He sighed with a touch of frustration. "If there's something wrong with you, and you're not telling me in order to punish me…"
She swallowed back her shock. "Do you really think I would do that?"
He hesitated. "No. Of course not. I'm sorry, honey." Another pause followed. "I hate how things are right now between us."
"Distance is a bitch," Sara reminded him.
"I know. Believe me…I get it." Grissom sighed again, only this time with remorse. "Just tell me that you're all right, Sara."
"I'm all right," she humored him. "I told you not to worry about me."
"And then you talked about everything changing," he reminded her. "I don't want anything to change."
Her stomach tied itself into one giant knot. "You don't?"
"Of course not. Why would I want things to change? Everything I want in life, I've got. I have you." Grissom was quiet for a second, obviously waiting for her reply. "Sara?" he finally said. "Have I lost you?"
"I'm right here," she managed to whisper. She dropped one hand from the steering wheel to cover her belly.
"No, I meant…" He stopped. "I'm not any good at this. I should be there telling you these things."
Sara eased her foot off the gas; she was going to need to pull over soon. "Telling me what?"
"That I love you. I miss you. And I'm sorry I handled all of this so badly, but it didn't mean that I want us to change. When I get back, I want things to be like they were."
She swerved onto the shoulder, came to a stop and put the Denali in park. A few calming breaths did nothing to suppress the nausea. "Gil…" Bile rose in her throat. "I just got to my scene. I have to go now."
"You're mad at me."
Sara groped for the door handle and pushed it open. Fresh, cold air hit her like a welcome wave. "I'm not. I just…I can't talk right now."
"Technically, I'm still your supervisor. I think you can spare a second from your scene so we can…"
"I can't!" she yelled. Clapping her hand over her mouth, she swung her legs around, sliding out of the car. "We'll talk…later. Okay?"
When Grissom replied, his voice was cool. "Hiding behind the job is very easy, isn't it? I remember."
Sara ripped off her earpiece, threw it back into the Denali and emptied her stomach onto the sand.
When there was nothing left to purge, she slumped back against the cool metal. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she looked up at the starry sky.
She heard laughter and it took her a moment to realize it was coming from her. Sara shook her head back and forth against the car door, her chest aching with joyless mirth.
Experience should have taught her that you could have a little or you could have nothing, but you could never have it all. White picket fence worlds didn't exist. Fifty year-old bachelors didn't become family men. And getting knocked up wasn't cause for celebration or planning; it was just a biological consequence of forgetting to take a few pills, and being too impatient to look for a condom.
Better to take care of that consequence now, before she fell in love with it.
A strong wind blew over her, drying the tears on her cheeks. She got back in the car, drove the rest of the way to her scene, and worked until dawn.
To Be Continued
