here ya fucking go people go nuts and I'm loving the oncoming support

and please take read in the authors not down below please it may change somethings for the future of this fanfic

and disclaimer is as follows I don't own this shit

thank you for reading now onto the reading


Chapter 3

"hello alucard how was your mission in Japan?" integra asked over the speaker as me and alucard were in our usual positions

"eh I'd say 99.9% done" alucard said as I rolled my eyes

"yeah and the 0.1% was killed by me" I said jumping into the conversation

"oh yes thank you Hamish for fixing alucards mistake" integra thanked

"sup bitch?" alucard quickly interjected as I could hear the oncoming sigh from her mouth

"I need to talk to you about something actually its about the two of you about some important guests coming in today" integra stated

"are they hookers/are they hookers" both me and alucard said at the same time as we grinned evilly

"…..no"

"and like that you have lost us!" I yelled receiving a thumbs up from my friend in the red

"they are our financial suppliers" integra said

"oh they gotta hate us" alucard joked

"10 times out of 10 I bet they got a hate boner the size of London tower" I said as the both of us laughed

"sigh…for the first one yes and the second one…I'm not even touch it let alone acknowledge its very being of existence"

"I didn't hear a nooooo!" I said playfully

"sigh but thanks to hating us they've cancelled our budget" integra said in annoyance

"oooooo that sounds bad, we that right? walter we need that right?"

"yes very important" I heard the very polite old man voice

"thank you walter" alucard thanked openly

"of course sir"

"for the last couple of years we have had some…expensive claims"

"oh god here we go" I said rubbing my head as I felt the most annoying bitching was coming

"like what?"

"first off property damage"

Cut to an exploding street filled with innocent bystanders and hookers

"dozens of noise complaints"

Cut to me playing along to alucard's metal music

"sorry I cant hear yooooou!" alucard yelled

"killing at least at least a dozen innocent people"

"oh so did Anthony Hopkins and he got a fucking Oscar for it!" alucard yelled

"annnnnd all the sexual harassment"

Me and alucard stared at each other in silence that felt like it went on like bad gas

Alight time to make my claim open

"that was all alucard I don't do that shit, no matter how fucked up I can be I draw the line between children and woman" I stated as calmly as I could trying to get my honest to god point across.

"that I can actually attest too!" seras yelled in the background

After about another 30 seconds alucard finally spoke

"I'm not apologizing"

"listen I know this isn't asking allot but-"

"buuuuuuuuut?"

"-I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I get the distinct impression that you are embarrassed of me"

"your not the number one person in the year" I said as I got a grin in reply

"alucard"

"I'm gonna go with nooooooo"

"this is important-"

"so was the US elections and look where that's taken them" I said as I got another thumbs up from alucard

"-and I don't want the both of you causing a scene"

"I don't have to take this, Hamish grab your coat we are going for a walk!" alucard instructed

"oh no you don't"

"oh whos going to stop me oh wait I know micheal-who-doesnt-exist"

"…..sigh what do you want?"

Pausing the both of us just stared blankly for a minute

"I'm sorry what?"

"I said what do you want do I have to give you to keep you down here for the evening"

Alucard grinned an evil grin

"I'm gonna need a new gun and give one to the police girl" alucard said

"but I already have a gun"

"psh give that bitch a cannon, bitches love cannons"

"especially the meat kind!" I yelled in tune while alucard grinned at me

"and while your at it give Hamish one too, kid needs a bit more of a baddasery edge"

Widening my eyes at the notion I saw him stare at me for a second with something that did look cocky or condescending, something like…worry?

Ignoring the rest of the conversation considering I've already heard it that many times before(hence why I'm no longer writing anymore of the conversation) I laid back down and just had a quick think to myself seeing as I had the metaphorical time and all.

So a recap its been about at least a month and a half since I got here and I've loved every second of it, well if you don't count the constant training from walter, the constant bitching from integra and the extremely weird sexual attraction I'm getting from seras

What? oh come on shes got some fucking tits on her how could I not be attracted to her.

And then theres alucard as much as I like the guy his murderous streak has kept me more busy than walter's training.

Id rather not go into the specific's but I've grown very used to the occasional innocent bystanders death, seriously after the first week I saw more dead people than the texas chainsaw massacre(minded I've never seen the movie but you understand the speculation)

Then we got my kinda kleptomaniac shit, basically I just cant help but steal stuff, meh not like I care but lately the stuff I've been stealing have left me a sour taste

"still cant believe you stole the old ladies walker" seras stated as I was using said walked as a foot rest

"yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah I think I'm losing my edge and my line between useful and useless is starting to fade, make sure walter makes a note later that if I don't find I use to it we throw it, sell it or hell give it to charity"

"…riiiiiiiiiight I'll get to that" seras said awkwardly

Looking up at the blonde vampire I gave her a small smile and sighed

"look how about next time I steal something I'll make sure its nice and I'll give it to ya" I said kicking the walker-used-foot-rest away and stood up stretching

"sigh but until then I'm going to go make my self some….lunch?" I questioned as I've kinda lost my sense of time

"its 2 in the morning" seras said with a smile

"great I feel like I'm turning more and more, if you see me having a slight craving for blood seras shoot me or something will ya?" I asked walking past her and tapping her shoulder

"1 monster is enough in this world and we don't need another" I said seriously moving past her as I gave her a hidden meaning, just a slight hint, nothing more nothing less as I like

LATER

Staring blankly at the wooden box I couldnt help but just pinch my nose wondering why just….why?

"I see your face is telling me your new arsenal is not up to your standard Hamish" walter said standing next to me as I sighed

"no walter its quite the opposite actually, I mean I just cant help but feel that I should have seen this coming" I said as I really really should have seen this coming

"ah yes alucard's crude humour has finally affected you, not to say I'm not surprised but I'm indeed very surprised its taken him this long for him to change his eyes to you" walter said as I shook my head

"nah fuck this he aint getting to me not no!" I yelled turning around as I walked towards the nearby closet and walked right in, when I came out from the other side I was inside me and alucard's main dungeon like room we have both decided we would reside in for now.

Where I came out though would be interesting considering it was right behind alucards own thrown

"oooh kid took you long enough" I heard alucard's voice

"sigh where the fucks my cannon?" I questioned

"what no hello, my that's rude but then again I cant really talk" alucard said as I casually walked around and sat my ass down on my couch

"fine hey alucard, hows your day? Oh good I thought so mine not so much when a certain vampire king going by the crimson fucker, which I follow on twitter-"

"oh you must be the sapphire hellrasier!" alucard clapped pointing at me as he really was enjoying this conversation.

"-yes that's me, but turns out the crimson fucker's taken something from me and well replaced that said something with….well 16 inch throbbing purple dildo" pausing I gave alucard a blank look

"and it has a vibrating function" at that notion alucards small grinned burst open as he laughed loudly

"ahahahahaha you should see your face I haven't seen a quiet pissed off face in ages, usually it's the bitches yelling ahahahahahaha" alucard said while laughing

But hearing now I couldn't help but snort and smirk

"yeah yeah yeah I've got a funny face, now can I get my gun now?" I questioned as alucard's mad laughter slowly turned into a small chuckle

"fine here!" with a swipe of alucard's hand I watched as a black object came flying at me

And well I wasn't fast enough to catch it

*SMASH THUD!*

"OOOOOOOW YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" I yelled in pain as I grabbed my nose in pain as I could hear alucard's laughter came back louder than ever

Grabbing my nose I gritted my teeth as I moved and cracked it back into place

"fuuuuuuucking nazi mother fucker!" I yelled in pain as I really felt it

"ahahahahahaha I hope to fucking god walter has the cameras on cause that's GIF worth posting ahahahaha!" alucard laughed as I just grumbled and looked down at the metal object he threw me

It was something of the hammer you know the that heavy pistol from crisis, well its more like its from crisis 3 but not like I care

Holding the gun normally I ejected the gun and checked the mag as I saw it was filled with mercury tipped explosive bullets I sighed knowing fully well that these bullets are going make a normal top body explode.

Something I wasn't really liking the image of but with what coming I was going to need an edge or well now that I think about do I really need an edge? This is an M rated crack fic and I'm basically the main character soooooooooo yeah do I really need this?

After a quick debate I shrugged and stood up cracking my neck I grabbed a nearby tissue and stuffed it in my nose to stop the bleeding

"well thanks a lot you fucking dick, I'll be going now!" I said walking towards the stairs

"ahahahahaha yeah yeah fuck you too kid, now then time for some adventure time" alucard said in a more excited manner as he quickly started to ignore my presence

Geez what a way to start a day.

LATER

"I'm still wondering how at this time and place that you making elgh hotdogs is something productive for you to do" walter said as we stood in the side room where seras basically slept next to and I was casually cooking hotdogs with my well stolen food cart

"hey I promised id cook for the men so I'm cooking them something simple" I stated making sure not to over cook said hotdogs

"yes I see, but I do not really see the appeal for them to eat such…unhealthy food"

Staring at walter as he gave my food cart a stink eye I just rolled my eyes at him

"walter why the fuck are you complaining to me about food when you could be upstairs helping integra mentally deal with the self entitled cunts that dare tell anyone that they are the same people that protect the nation" I stated staring at him as he gave me a surprised look

"well its because at the moment I don't see her needing my immediate hel-"

*BEEP!*

"walter can you the police girl and Hamish come here please, we may have a situation" integra said as I just stared at him blankly

"you were saying?" I questioned with a smirk as he just gave me a good natured smile

"aaaah to be young again" he said good naturedly as he patted my shoulder

*FLICKER!*

Looking up at the lights as they flickered on and off I sighed and turned the cooker off

"looks like I'm not cooking for anyone now" I said knowing fully well where this was going, so pulling out my hammer(the gun!) I pulled the slide and walked towards the closet

"well come along you two follow me" I said as I watched as the two were right behind me

"sigh lets go see integra" I said opening and walking through the closet the two quickly followed me as we ended up in the hallway

"what the-?"

"I can mildly teleport where ever I want but with other people I have to make due with shortening the distance" I quickly explained sans bullshit but also slightly nerfed teleporting powers

"I don't even think tha-"

"it is big tits and let me tell you its bullshit, I think its bullshit, walter knows its bullshit and integra loses her shit whenever I accidentally walk in her change….ing oops." Pausing for a moment I quickly noticed that everything kind of went silent

"excuse me but what do you mean but accidentally walking in to integra's bedroom?" I heard walter ask as his hand held my shoulder

Ooooooooooh shit I may have said too much again

"in my defence I was trying to figure it out and well I sometimes ended up walking in at the wrong time" I quickly stated

"that might explain those bruises I see and maybe why master always laughs whenever I bring it up" seras said as I nodded my head

"yeah and well punish me later walter we have a job to do" I said seriously or tried to but with walter's grip got tighter

"Hamish I think its best if you go for the enemy while me and the police girl go and attend to integra agreed?" at the tone of agree I could see faint shimmers of steel string in the air just swaying left and right, creeping right in front of me.

"um ok I'll take care of the enemy and uh please don't hurt if any of them get past me" I said as I felt his grip moved off my shoulder

"good police girl lets go" and just like that walter walked off while seras patted my back

"don't worry you'll do ok" she said trying to reassure me

"yeah its like sex sooo easy" I said as she just giggled

"just do what you always do" she said smiling and then running off to follow walter

"sigh do what I always do huh?" I said looking at my hammer(still a gun!) I looked back up and sighed

"well shes right on one thing" I said outloud turning around pulling the slide back

*CLICK!*

"I always do what I do" and with that I pulled my hood over my head and walked around the corner and teleported

Coming around the corner I froze as I saw the entire hallway in front of me littered with bodies, blood and zombies, zombies and oh hey look ZOMBIES

Taking a deep breath I concentrated and felt my bones appear behind me

"RAGH!" one of the armoured zombies ran at me full intent in taking a bite of me but unfortunately I wasnt in the mood

*BANG BOOM! BODY EXPLOSION SOUNDS!*

In the mood for pure hardcore murder

"lets have some fun shall we?" I stated holding my smoking gun up at the next zombie as I felt my bones float right next to me

Pulling the trigger another zombie exploded with my gun while my floating bones flew over slamming into the nearby zombies

"come get some you fucking cunts!" I yelled watching as another zombie charged at me

With a snap of my finger of my finger my bones flew forwards stabbing the zombie relentlessly killing it, shifting my eyes to the next zombie I snapped my fingers and watched as my dislodge themselves from the last zombie and impaled the next one.

I repeated this process over and over, walking slowly forwards murdering everything in my or tried to take a quick bite out of me.

Smiling every chance encounter that got too close where I had no choice but to use my hammer and watching as their heads chests and their entire body explode from time to time until I ran out and well I reloaded of course.

It got more and more bloody and I couldn't help but ignore my blood-stained shoes and how the blood splatter accented my clothes or how my floating bones bleed and dripped with said blood.

I stopped and quickly pulled my gun pointing at another target and was about to fire when my eyes noticed who I was pointing my gun at

A guard one of the very extremely few men that managed to get away, his entire body covered in blood sweat tears and….elgh piss

He shook in fear as he stared at me

My finger twitched as he whimpered in fear

My head slowly started to take actual notice what I was doing and I quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled hand away from the guard

"sigh run" I said as the man did hesitate to turn tail and ran away

Looking down I looked at me hands

I nearly killed someone that wasn't a ghoul(yes I know it's a ghoul I just prefer calling them zombies)

I felt dirty I felt horrible, I nearly threw up and then well what else but

PURE UNADULTERATED FUCKING RAGE!

Gritting my teeth, hands clenched, eyes wide, I glared at the ghouls as I tried to find that mother fucking cunt that start this shit!

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU VALENTINE!?" I yelled knowing fully well he could hear me

With the cunt now

"huh da fuck was that?"

Back to me

Turning around another corner I fired my gun instinctively watching as yet another ghoul's head exploded

Fuck this is getting me no where!

"fuck it" and with my eyes closed I quietly summoned not one but two gaster blasters side by side opening my eyes I watched as the fallen corpse like guards slowly stood back up

"I'm playing exterminator over and over and over again sigh" sighing I casually held my hand upwards

*SNAP!*

Everything went quiet as the gaster blasters floated forwards and fired their large blue energy beams

Watching with a small smile everything caught within the gaster blasters range was obliterated atomically leaving no blood or signs of the ghouls ever rising in the first place.

"where the fuck are you…." Pausing mid sentence I couldn't help but face palm at my dense stupidity

"should have thought of that one before" I said remembering that this fucker was pretty much definitely where integra was

"alright in my defence I was a little too preoccupied with killing ghouls" I said to myself as I felt one of my gaster blasters nudge me

Looking at the giant skull I couldn't help but sigh and smile petting the skulls snout

"yeah I got it buddy lets go" and that I quickly jumped up and climbed onto of the gaster blasters head and sat down

The second gaster blaster disappeared as I really did need another one for a while

"lets go!" and with that the two of us flew off down the hallways

I had a stupid fuckwit to kill and I'm going to make it slow and as painful as possible

3RD POV

Walter growled as the rude young man cussed more and more aggravating and trying his patience more and more

And that Viagra comment was really pissing him off too

Seras on the other hand was didn't really feel anything well to be honest she felt annoyed too but it was walter's comment about her being a police girl, it was like out of everyone hellsing Hamish was literally the only one that calls her anything but police girl, admittedly it was sometimes derogative terms, but they were only used when he felt the need to be sarcastic or funny.

"argh take a joke asshole" and then there was this asshole

Jan valentine one of the most rudest most foulest man either one of them have ever met, then again they haven't seen Hamish when hes pissed off(I'm just saying)

His obnoxious voice, demeaner and everything in between spoke volumes for how much the world would be better off with such a repulsive man

Growling in annoyance walter pulled some steel wires with his teeth ready to torture the shit out of this man

But froze as he saw a very familiar and disturbing sight of purple glowing eyes and groaning

Grinning evilly, jan used the distraction to push seras off and jumped away quickly flipping with a grin jan presented the ghouls stumbling towards the doors

"and now for the upcoming company picnic" seras and walter's eyes widen more in horror as the companions of the hellsing were now turned gouls

"unfortunately all your douchebag friends will only be brining their own rotting flesh, still better than potato salad, if you ask me, now if you don't min-"

"THERES THAT FUCKING CUNT!" jan stopped his statement as him and the ghouls froze and turned around and at the end of the hallway stood Hamish, hood shadowing his face while his had a bunch of different blood splatters

"who the fuck are you!?" jan yelled watching as a pair of blue glowing eyes shone form under the shadowed hood

"you have officially pissed me off that's who" Hamish said as he brought his hand up

Walter and seras watched in shock as jan's body slowly started to glow blue and suddenly he started to float

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" jan yelled in shock as he squirmed trying to stop floating and suddenly he flew towards Hamish and stopped suddenly just in front of Hamish

"who in the fucking hell are you wizard of oz!?" jan yelled as Hamish just stared at him blankly

"come on say something you fuc-URGH!" with out another thought Hamish pointed downwards, jans body seemed to follow as he was slammed into the floor really hard

"AH MOTHER FU-ARGH!" jan yelled in pain as Hamish curb stomped his head

"shut up for a second your dads in the middle of something" Hamish said fuelling his inner alucard

looking up at the oncoming ghouls Hamish grinned snapping his finger summoning his gaster blaster

"go for it buddy you deserve to go out every now and again" Hamish commanded as the gaster blaster's jars lowered and split apart and gave a death chilling roar that shook the entire mansion

"walter have you ever seen gaster blaster do that before?" seras asked holding her ears in pain

"only once and I've got to say that I wasn't too impressed at first but when gaster blaster did, that training session turned interesting" walter said as the gaster blaster's head started glow

Bones started to appear and fly around more and more until they all came together behind gaster blaster and formed a body…a dragon body

"oooooooh shit on a monkey wrench your fucking kidding me!?" seras shouted in shock

"yes I wouldn't use the correct wording but I too had the same expression" walter said watching as the now named gaster dragon bended it head down and chomped down on a random ghoul and started to eat it.

"now then where the fuck was I going with this again?" Hamish wondered staring down at jan as he still glowed blue

"you fucking cu-ARGH!" jan yelled in pain as a bullet from hamish's hammer exploded his left foot

"sorry care say that again?" Hamish asked casually

"who the fuck are you!?" jan yelled

"didnt I just say your dads in the middle of something oh sorry step dad, you know with your mother being sucking my dick lately I keep forgetting the whore had two bastard sons" Hamish said again fuelling his inner alucard

"now then your going to tell your dear old man everything about the bad men who hired you and your blonde transvestite of a brother ok?" Hamish said in the sweetest voice he could come up with

"ehehehehe if you think your fucking swee-ARGH WILL STOP FUCKING SHOOTING ME!" jan yelled as his right foot exploded

"yeah no, now tell me what I want to know' Hamish said casually

"no how about you-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH!" jan started to yell in pain as Hamish watched as he summoned a couple of really small bones and sent them up his severed legs

"I'm sorry care to say that again I did quite hear you the first time maybe I should stab a knife through your dick and play the konami code huh? would you like that son? Would like your old man to use your dick to play konami code? Hell I bet If I do it now you'd finally learn how to speak like an adult a not like uncultured American cunt" Hamish said as he stomped his foot on jans back and he yelled more and more in pain

Stopping the pain Hamish watched as jan slowly stopped yelling and was breathing slowly as he started to mumble something, with out another thought Hamish pointed nad fired his gun again making jan yell again in pain as his left knee exploded

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH I SAID IT WAS THE FUCKING NAZI'S YOU FUC-omph" jan stopped talking as he found Hamish quickly stuck his gun right into jans mouth

Jan looked up and his eyes widened in horror as gaster the dragon's bloody face stood above Hamish as blood casually dripped over and hit Hamish's now more or less soaked coat

"thank you now be a dear and give a message for me" Hamish said with a smile as it then turned into a glare

"TELL HELL TO HAVE FUN WITH THIS ONE!"

*BANG! EXPLOSION!*

And with that Hamish fired his gun watching as jan's head exploded, blood bone and grey matter flying everywhere as everything went quiet and then

"BLAGH I THINK SOME OF HIS BRAIN GOT INTO MY MOUTH!" Hamish shouted looking away as he spat out what his believed was a bit of jans brain, which was in reality, really really gross

"elgh how the fuck does alucard even eat this shit! I will never know and I don't want to know!" Hamish yelled as he stood up and continued to spat more and more believing their was still some more brain in his mouth.

"well that was interesting" walter said with a sigh as he saw the pure burtal destruction Hamish had caused

"sigh come along police girl time to tell intgra she no longer has to worry about the mess" walter said as he looked over to see seras just standing there frozen still

"police girl?" walter asked again and watched as seras slowly fainted backwards with a…nose bleed?

"...sigh that's alucard's influence alright" walter said pinching his nose as he found the current situation to be very annoying

LATER

Back to 1st POV

"sooooo we got our funding back right?" I asked laying down on me…..sigh now bullet filled couch

"and you now owe me a new couch" I said looking at alucard as he just gave me a wide toothy grin

"aaaaaaaaaah and just like that everything came back to order again" alucard said casually

"yess except for 99% of the staff was turned into ghouls and were all killed by Hamish in a blood filled rage that he surprisingly remembers very well, except for the police girl….for some reason"

"whats a blood rage and why dont I remember anything?" seras asked as I gave her a shrug, I mean I don't know I wasn't really with her at the time

"that reminds me have we found out who ever sent them?" alucard asked as all he got was silence

"it was the nazi's" I stated seriously

"HA I knew it!" alucard yelled

"it wasn't the nazi's" integra said

"oh well Hamish says otherwise"

"yes but he was in a blood rage and his memories can be fuzzy so for all we know it someone else and not the nazi's"

"…..bet you it's the nazi's"

"bet you your wrong"

"bet you're a skank"

"bet you're an asshole"

"BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!"


well I hope you all enjoyed it and well sorry if some of the more bloody filled scenes were slightly well under rated or well they felt under rated to me

but anyway keep the love coming and also I would love to know who would you love to see as a future character?

-papyrus revived

-W.D gaster revived

-undine revived

-flowey revived

-metatron revived

so please pop in a review explaining why you want this character to be in the story and well i'll make my choice based off them

honestly adding these characters would make this story just that much interesting or if you want I don't mind if you want to throw in an OC of your own into the mix

but be warned these characters will not pop up until chapter 5 and well that's quite a while away

so until then please keep up the support and well please don't forget to leave a

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and a review

LATERS