Thoughts

Jacob's POV

Look at him. With his arms draped around her. Talk about rubbing salt into the raw, bleeding wounds of my already broken heart. It can't take much more battering, much more abuse. How is it possible that he has no comprehension of how I feel, of how much I'm falling apart? I can feel myself shaking, tremors shivering down my skin; I clench my fists and stare into the distance, concentrating on a point on the horizon. I can't phase now, not when I'm feeling like this. The pack will instantly sense my emotions and then they'll know the truth and turn their backs on me, disgusted by my love for the vampire. And then I'll be even more alone than I already am, feel more pain than I already do, because this love for Edward is slowly eating away at me, consuming everything I am. Day by day I feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. I don't know how much more of this I can take, how much longer I can keep this pretense going. My façade is cracked, slowly slipping away, revealing the pathetic, love-sick being that I am. I have to tell Edward before I fade away, because soon there'll be nothing left. Only Edward can make me whole again. Only Edward can save me.

He's staring at me now, golden amber eyes so intent and determined. He must be reading my mind. Oh God, does he know?

No. He doesn't. If he did, he would have either run away or sent me sprawling by now. Fear is twisting inside of me, warning me to keep my mouth shut and I listen and duly obey. Of course I can never tell him. Only in my wildest dreams will he ever feel the same way, so what's the point in wearing my battered heart on my sleeve for Edward to smash up into even smaller pieces? He'd probably tell Sam out of spite, hoping that the wolves will chase me away, and then that'll be one problem solved and he'll have Bella all to himself. I've already thought too much, risked a chance of him catching a glimpse of the truth, and I turn and run away from the oh so happy couple like the coward I am. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears as I race through the forest, concentrating on the sound of my feet slamming against the hard, unforgiving earth. I use the sound to centre myself, to ground my whirring emotions and try and restore a mediocre sense of order to them. I have to get a handle on this.

It's not fair. Why do I have to feel so broken and lonely and unloved? I just wish I could go back to how I was before I fell in love with Edward. Back to when I was strong and foolhardy, and foolishly 'in love' with Bella. The pain of her rejection in no way compares to the pain I feel right now. In hindsight, I realize just how goddamn stupid I was. I didn't feel this way for Bella. I didn't feel so torn, like I'd been ripped open and had my heart crushed into a state of such disrepair. I feel a manic laugh rise up inside of me, and it ripples out. I laugh at myself, at the situation I'm in; I laugh at the fact that I, a werewolf, am in love with a vampire, my mortal enemy. I was designed to kill his kind; it's in my genes, in my blood, coursing through my veins right now but the thought of me raising a hand to harm him makes me sick to the stomach, so sick I lose concentration and trip, landing on the earth in a clattering heap. And as I lie there, dazed and more than a little bit confused, everything hits home in terrifying clarity: I can't go on like this. I'm weak, a liability, useless to everyone including myself. I'm no good to anybody when my whole existence centres around one being, one being I don't and can never have. And the way I see it, I have two options: I can risk it all, throw myself out there and tell Edward what's really going on, how I really feel about him. After all, he deserves the truth, even if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings (and a small, persistent part of me hopes he does). Or I can run away, start again in a new town far away, or maybe even completely succumb to the animal. It's far too tempting, the promise of the wolf. At first, I regarded my ability to phase into a wolf as a curse, then it become a blessing, and all too quickly it became a curse again. So maybe I can take advantage of it now, to help myself. If I stay as a wolf long enough, there's a chance I will get so lost I may forget Edward, and this ever-present ache in my chest will go away. But…could I forget him? This love has changed me, perhaps irrevocably, so can I ever go back?

I don't know. All these ideas and thoughts and feelings and decisions all flooding through my head in a cacophony, a dizzying crescendo and I just don't know! Too much, just too much, I can't think, not like this…so I scream. I scream out all my heartache and anguish and sorrow, indecision and fear spilling out in a pained shriek that echoes through the deserted forest, mirroring my desolate downfall into oblivion.

I thought that maybe I could get lost in the wolf, but how can I?

I'm already lost.


Edward's POV

My arm is slung casually around Bella's shoulder, but it feels wrong, unnatural, wooden. It takes every ounce of willpower to keep myself from pulling it away. I have to keep up appearances, for everyone's sake – I can't be the cause of disruptions and rifts within my own family, and the treaty we have the wolves is precarious enough as it is already without me professing my love for the would-be Alpha. That would only cause a war between two sides, would only lead to bloodshed, and I cannot have that weighing down on my conscience as well as everything else. This love is burden enough, and I know what pain it would cause Jacob if one of his brother's were to fall victim to my family's attack. Of course, my family would only be defending themselves, as Carlisle would do everything in his power to keep peace, but I believe should this occasion ever arise, then peace will be unachievable. Only madness would descend, unadulterated mindless violence derived from prejudice and fear. Chaos.

I don't need to read his thoughts to know how he's feeling. Anger and jealously is practically dripping right off him. But when I reach into his mind I find it blank. In fact, when I turn to follow his gaze I find he's focusing on a cluster of trees far off into the distance. Again, Jacob is trying to hide something from me. But what? Frustration floods through me and I find myself delving deeper and deeper into his mind, desperate to find out what he is trying so valiantly to bury. His ability to keep his thoughts and feelings hidden from me amazes me, as no one with a readable mind has managed to achieve that in my presence. Another credit to Jacob's strength.

But his concentraion slips, and a flicker of emotion slips through. His thoughts are scattered and incomprehensible. Images of Sam, Bella and I flicker through his mind before dissipating in a whirlpool of anguish. Is Bella being with me instead of him hurting him this much? Is it the cause of that never-ending pain in his eyes? If so, I would gladly let go of Bella in a heartbeat. Anything to take that pain away. Because looking in those wounded eyes, listening in to his damaged thoughts, it breaks me inside. I can't bear to see him hurting like that. I don't want to be the cause of his pain, only the solution. My heart grows impossibly heavier and wearier to know that it will never be I that comforts him. It'll never be my shoulder he cries on, never be my arms that wrap around him and hold him, never be me rocking him gently back and forth till all the world fades away and there's nothing left but him and me.

I watch him turn away in grief, watch him flee into the forest behind, and I listen to him, hear him pounding viciously through the undergrowth, his thoughts even more erratic than before. I can hear him shouting at himself in his thoughts, telling him to regain control of himself, but this strange wild surge floods through him, overriding the voice of sanity, of reason. Bella turns to me, confusion etched in her delicate features, and I gaze upon her, knowing in my heart that I don't love her anymore. If I ever truly did. I shake my head, tell her something's come up, and I have to go. She nods slowly, and I catch the dejected look in her eyes as she walks away. Yes, I suppose it is decided then. It would be better for all involved if I were to leave her. It is not fair to her to keep on living this lie. It is not fair to myself, if I should deserve fairness. Eventually she will heal, and Jacob will help her to; he will give her everything I cannot and they shall grow old together, sharing a happy, fulfilled life. Without realizing, I find my feet carrying me into the forest, treading through the wake that Jacob left. I go at a leisurely human pace, the sluggishness of which would normally be irksome, but for now, I revel in it, enjoying the calm before the storm.

I tell myself that I am only going this way for convenience, for a scenic change to my usual route. And, if I should run into Jacob on my way, that will be okay; I can explain my plans to him. I won't explain my reasons, of course, but that's just details that won't matter to him anyway. He won't care why I'm leaving - he'll just care that I am.

A horrific, anguished scream brings me crashing down out of my reverie into harsh, stark reality. I'm disorientated at first, the cry still ringing round in my head. There's so much pain and confusion and despair riding that one sound that it would make my blood turn icy cold if I were to have any. A hollow, frightened chasm opens in my chest as with a startling jolt I realize just who made that sound. Jacob.

All my senses hone down onto him, his scent and his thoughts leading the way, drawing me inexplicably too him. What if he's hurt; what if he's been attacked? Would he want me to save him, or would his pride takeover? What's wrong with him? What could cause him to cry out like that, in such sheer agony?

I don't know, but I do know that I'm going to find out.

I'm coming Jacob.