The Lisatronic Misplacement Act II J. Franklin

THE LISATRONIC MISPLACEMENT

ACT II

Note: This story takes place shortly after "The Egg Salad Equivalency," S6 E12.

(SCENE: The loading dock area of the campus. LEONARD and HOWARD are standing by the open dumpster. The covered cart with LISA's head and shoulders is beside them.)

HOWARD: (Calling out) Do you see anything yet?

(There is a shifting in the trash. RAJ pokes his head up.)

RAJ: No! Still nothing!

HOWARD: Well, keep looking! (RAJ submerges himself in the trash.)

LEONARD: You know, I still think it was wrong making him do the dumpster dive.

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) Face it. He's from India. That trash is still cleaner than most of New Delhi. (Pauses) Although remind me to have him tested for hepatitis after we have him do the biology lab trash.

LEONARD: (Pauses) You never tire of the racist jokes, do you?

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) Not really. It's how I maintain my sanity when I'm stressed.

(SHELDON enters carrying his cell phone.)

SHELDON: (Angrily) I swear, women are useless!

LEONARD: What now?

SHELDON: I just talked with Amy to see if she could help us.

LEONARD: And?

SHELDON: I said the four of us were desperately looking for breasts and could really use her help & all she could do was curse at me and hang up!

LEONARD: Never mind that. Did you check Kripke's office?

SHELDON: Yes.

HOWARD: Did you find anything?

SHELDON: No, nothing. (Pauses) Although I did find some remnants of our killer robot he was apparently keeping as trophies.

LEONARD: Oh, yeah. The Mobile Omni-directional Neutralizer and Termination Eradicator. (Pauses) Poor M.O.N.T.E.

HOWARD: (Irritated) Hey, can we please focus here? We're still missing six robot mammaries that we have to find before the dinner tonight!

SHELDON: Where's Koothrappali?

(The trash shifts again. RAJ pokes his head up a second time.)

RAJ: Still nothing, dude!

SHELDON: (To HOWARD) Oh. I see. Making the Indian guy dig through the garbage. How consistently and culturally insensitive of you.

HOWARD: (Agitated) Look, can we keep our eye on the bigger picture here? If Lisa wasn't thrown into the garbage, she has to be somewhere in the building!

LEONARD: Well, if she wasn't thrown out by the cleaning crew, where could she have gone?

RAJ: I don't know. But can we get a sandwich or something? I'm hungry.

HOWARD: How can you think of food at a time like this?

RAJ: Easy. First, you guys interrupted my practice date before I could have dinner. And second (pulls out Styrofoam box) someone threw away some very nice smelling chicken in here. (Pauses) But I'm afraid to eat it since it's been in here.

LEONARD: Oh, gross. Here – (Helps RAJ out of dumpster. Sniffs.) By the way, when this is over, you may want to hit the showers downstairs.

RAJ: (Confused) Why? I showered this morning! (Pauses) I even used my new lavender-scented soap! It cleans as it moistens your skin!

LEONARD: Yeah, well, you're the opposite of clean now!

SHELDON: (Thinking) Wait a second. Koothrappali may be on to something.

RAJ: (Eyes wide) I am? How?

LEONARD: (Thinks and turns to SHELDON) Actually, yeah. How?

SHELDON: Well, I'm just thinking in terms of opposites. We assumed the janitor threw Lisa away. But what if he did the opposite?

HOWARD: What do you mean?

SHELDON: Well, what is the opposite of trash?

LEONARD: (Sniffs again) I don't know. A cleaner particle physicist, maybe?

RAJ: (Brushing himself off) Way to thank me, dude.

SHELDON: No, I mean before something becomes trash, it's consumed and then discarded. So what would be the opposite of something thrown away here?

LEONARD: I don't know. (Looks at Raj still holding Styrofoam container.) Wait, I think I got you. (Turns to RAJ) Raj, where did you get that cart you used to bring Lisa down to your office?

RAJ: I told you. I borrowed it from the cafeteria.

HOWARD: (Excited) Wait a second, wait a second! Was Lisa uncovered when you brought her down or did you have the sheet pulled over her?

RAJ: Dude, c'mon. She had six breasts. I wasn't going to walk down the hall with those things just sitting out!

LEONARD: So, if the cleaning crew thought it was a cafeteria cart –

HOWARD: Then they must have taken her back up to the kitchen area!

RAJ: Terrific! Let's go!

HOWARD: (Stopping him) Oh, no-no-no-no-no. YOU go hit the showers. Leonard & Sheldon and I will handle this.

RAJ: But why? I'm hungry!

LEONARD: Yeah, but you smell like the dumpster trash right now, and there's no way you can get to the kitchen without being…smelled.

RAJ: (Smells sleeve) Oh, you're right. I smell like Chicken Out. (Sniffs again) With some hot sauce and French fries. (Pauses) Dammit, now I'm even hungrier!

SHELDON: (Checking watch) Gentlemen! Time's a-wasting!

HOWARD: Okay, let's go! Go! (They grab the cart and hurry back into the building.)

(DISSOLVE TO: DR GABLEHAUSER is escorting a number of distinguished academics through the hallway. BERNADETTE is accompanying him. One of the visitors is Indian and carrying a large cocktail.)

GABLEHAUSER: – and this is our engineering wing where our staff are working on a number of new inventions that we hope will revolutionize space research.

BERNADETTE: (To GABLEHAUSER) When do we get to show them the biology lab?

GABLEHAUSER: (Hushed voice) I already told you. AFTER the dinner.

BERNADETTE: But I want them to see my flesh-eating microbe experiment!

GABLEHAUSER: I said, AFTER the dinner!

BERNADETTE: (Sulking) Okay, fine! But they should know if the funding gets cut off, it'll be all that much harder to guarantee those little buggers don't escape into the ecosystem somehow. (Smiles) Just sayin'!

(The Indian doctor turns to GABLEHAUSER. His speech is slightly slurred.)

DR. SHENOY: Shho, tell me again, Gablehauser. The engineering donationsh we made last year went where, exactly?

GABLEHAUSER: I already told you, Siddharth. We're using them to fund our best research for NASA. In fact, our top engineers are already working on some amazing robotic experiments –

(HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON appear pushing a covered cart up the hall. They stop upon seeing GABLEHAUSER, BERNADETTE, and the visiting dignitaries.)

BERNADETTE: (Before GABLEHAUSER can stop her) Oh! In fact, here comes one of our star engineers now! My husband, Howie!

GABLEHAUSER: Oh, er, well –

DR. SHENOY: (Brushing past him and extending his hand) How do you do? I'm Dr. Shenoy.

HOWARD: (Shaking his hand) Um, hi. Howard Wolowitz.

DR. SHENOY: It's so nice to meet you! It's so hard to find colleagues with PhDs in engineering! Most people are just lazy and always stop with a Master's degree!

HOWARD: Well, as a matter of fact, I have a Master's degree from MIT –

GABLEHAUSER: (Interrupting him) Ah, Dr. Shenoy? May I introduce two other members of our faculty research staff? Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and Dr. Sheldon Cooper!

DR. SHENOY: (Ignoring them) Wait, you're telling me you don't have a PhD in engineering?

HOWARD: Well, no. Once I got my Masters, I went straight into practical applications research –

SHELDON: (Brushing past him) Hello. Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I have a PhD. In fact, I also have two Masters degrees –

DR. SHENOY: (Ignoring him and turning to GABLEHAUSER) I thought you told us our money was funding advanced engineering research! Why is some miniature teaching assistant leading the projects we are funding?!

HOWARD: Actually, I'm not a teaching assistant!. In fact, I've been to outer space –

BERNADETTE: (Cutting him off) Excuse me! MISTER Wolowitz is one of our star employees, Dr. Shenoy. He visited the international space station last year to complete some of the equipment there!

DR. SHENOY: (To GABLEHAUSER) So, our donations are being used to send graduate students to outer space on recreational visits, then?

HOWARD: I'm not a graduate student! I'm an astronaut and an engineer!

GABLEHAUSER: (Uneasy) Well, ah, –

DR. SHENOY: Well, what is our money buying then?

BERNADETTE: (Trying to be helpful) Hey! My Howie has done a lot of research on robotics!

HOWARD: (Coughing) Um, Bernie! (Nods toward cart uneasily)

BERNADETTE: (Ignoring him) Don't be modest, Howie! Tell him about all the robotic parts you developed! You know, how really lifelike they are!

HOWARD: (Looking at the covered cart) Ah, Bernie…

DR. SHENOY: (Following his gaze) Is this one of your projects?

LEONARD: (Quickly) Well, yes! But, it's, ah, not finished yet. We're still working on it.

DR. SHENOY: You are helping him?

LEONARD: (Stepping back) Well, um, er, not exactly –

DR. SHENOY: Because I would feel a lot better if someone with a PhD were handling the research!

GABLEHAUSER: (Trying to distract him) Actually, if we could all head back up to the dining area –

DR. SHENOY: So, what is this project you're working on?

HOWARD: Um…

LEONARD: It's a, uh, next generation in robotic evolution!

SHELDON: Leonard, I don't think this is a good idea – (HOWARD elbows him) Ow!

HOWARD: But it's still in development! So, ah, if you'll excuse us –

DR. SHENOY: Nonsense! Some of my earliest work was in the field of robotics! Let me see - (He reaches for the sheet)

HOWARD and SHELDON and LEONARD: No! Don't lift that –

(DR. SHENOY pulls back the sheet and sees LISA's head.)

DR. SHENOY: (Surprised) Oh, my!

GABLEHAUSER: (Furious) Wolowitz…

DR. SHENOY: She is so lifelike! (Pauses) That is magnificent!

GABLEHAUSER: WHAT?! (Quickly puts his arm around HOWARD) Why, yes! Yes! Yes it is! That's our Howard Wolowitz! Truly a star employee!

SHELDON: You were just saying the other day that he's one step away from being thrown out – (LEONARD elbows him)

DR. SHENOY: (Admiring LISA) You know, if this is the type of work you're doing, I'd be very interested in funding more of your research.

SHELDON: (Quietly) What a coincidence. We're currently trying to find more of our research…

DR. SHENOY: Can she respond to voice commands?

HOWARD: Actually, no. We haven't connected the auditory response system to her vocalization mechanism –

LISA: (Speaking suddenly) Hello. My. Name. Is. Lisa.

DR. SHENOY: (Amazed) That is incredible!

HOWARD: Oh, ah, well, er, thank you!

DR. SHENOY: Magnificent!

LISA: I. Like. Well. Endowed. Indian. Men.

(A long silence follows.)

HOWARD: (Quickly) So, ah, yes. There are a few bugs we're still trying to work out. So, if you'll excuse us –

DR. SHENOY: (Taking a long sip from his drink) Gablehauser, I think you have your staff working in the wrong research area. I can think of some far more profitable possibilities for this kind of work –

GABLEHAUSER: Ah, yes! Yes! I know. (Takes DR. SHENOY by the shoulder and turns him back toward the far end of the hall.) And now, if we can all just head back up to the dining hall –

DR. SHENOY: (Slurring) No, sherioushly, Gablehauser. I think the boy may be on to something…

GABLEHAUSER: I've often thought he was on a lot of things, Siddharth! (Turns to BERNADETTE and hisses) Get them out of here now! (Heads back up the hall with DR. SHENOY and the rest of the visitors.) And, as you'll see when we sit down, we've prepared quite a feast for your visit….(They disappear around the far corner)

HOWARD: (Quickly covering LISA) Great. Now what are we going to do?

BERNADETTE: What do you mean?

LEONARD: (Quickly) We think Lisa may be in the cafeteria kitchen. Raj borrowed one of the cafeteria carts to bring her down, and we think one of the staff may have mistakenly returned her.

BERNADETTE: (Gasps) Uh, oh…

HOWARD: What?

BERNADETTE: (Speaking quickly) Penny and I had to sneak in the back way through the kitchen. There were several covered carts lined up for the dinner tonight!

HOWARD: WHAT?!

BERNADETTE: Yes! Some of the cooking staff were saying they needed every available cart to serve all the food!

HOWARD: THEY'RE GOING TO SERVE LISA?!

LEONARD: (Thinking quickly) Not if we can help it! Quick, what's the fastest way to the kitchen area?!

SHELDON: We can't go up the regular way! Gablehauser will see us!

LEONARD: Fine! What about the back way somehow?

HOWARD: Too much time. We'll never make it! (Thinks) Wait! I got it! The dumbwaiter!

BERNADETTE: The what?

HOWARD: There's an old fashioned dumbwaiter at the end of the hall that they use to bring things up and down from the basement. It's in the back.

BERNADETTE: How do you know about that?

HOWARD: Because when I first started here it was how I supplemented my dining budget with cold cuts from the school freezer.

SHELDON: At some point, we're really going to have to talk with you about this deli meat fixation of yours –

HOWARD: Never mind that! Let's just get up there!

SHELDON: How? None of us can fit in the dumbwaiter!

HOWARD: (Thinking) Good point. If we were going to send someone up there, we would need someone small…

SHELDON: Yes, but who?

HOWARD: I don't know.

(They pause. Slowly, they all turn to BERNADETTE.)

BERNADETTE: (Confused) What?

HOWARD: Bernie…

BERNADETTE: What? (Realizes) Oh, no! You're not putting me in there and sending me up like some kind of platter serving!

HOWARD: It's just to find Lisa! They won't even know you're there! We'll be up the back stairs. All you have to do is wheel her out!

BERNADETTE: Howie –

SHELDON: (Checking watch) Dinner is being served, people!

LEONARD: Go! Go!

(They push BERNADETTE down the hall.)

(Dissolve to: The Cal-Tech cafeteria. We see the dumbwaiter opening along the wall. Several additional carts are covered nearby. Lunch ladies and staff pass through as they hurry about preparing dinner. Slowly, the dumbwaiter opens. We see BERNADETTE cramped inside with her cell phone. She is frowning and clearly angry.)

BERNADETTE: (Still in the dumbwaiter) I will never forgive you for this, mister!

HOWARD: (Filtered) Stick to the protocol!

BERNADETTE: (Angrily) Fine! This is Schoolgirl 1. I have a successful infiltration.

(Cut to: The opposite side of a pair of double doors to the cafeteria. HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD are crowded around the door. LISA is with them.)

HOWARD: (Speaking into cell phone) We are in position.

(Cut to: BERNADETTE)

BERNADETTE: You owe me big time for this!

(Cut to: HOWARD)

HOWARD: (Desperate) Look, just check the carts and then get back in the dumbwaiter. We'll lower you down.

SHELDON: How are we going to do that? All three of us are up here!

HOWARD: (Angry) Ssh! One thing at a time!

BERNADETTE: (Filtered) I'm checking the carts now!

HOWARD: (Urgent) Okay!

LEONARD: (Quietly) C'mon, Bernadette…

(Cut to: The dining area. GABLEHAUSER and DR. SHENOY are seated at a long table with several other donors.)

GABLEHAUSER: As I was saying, Siddharth, I know how much you and the other guests really enjoyed our barbequed chicken last year, so I asked the staff to prepare it again in honor of your visit.

DR. SHENOY: Oh, that's wonderful! Thanks, Gablehauser! (Unfolds napkin) Did they do the breasts just the way I like them?

GABLEHAUSER: Oh, of course, Siddharth. If there's one thing our staff know how to prepare, it's good breasts!

(Cut to: HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON outside the doors.)

HOWARD: Do you see anything yet?

BERNADETTE: (Filtered) No, nothing yet. Still checking!

(Cut to: BERNADETTE in the kitchen. She is moving LEFT and has just covered another cart back up.)

HOWARD: (Filtered) Keep looking!

BERNADETTE: (Hissing) You owe me big for this, Howie! (She continues moving LEFT. We see she is approaching a 90-degree corner opens into the rest of the kitchen area behind her.) That was the last cart. She isn't here and this entire place smells awful!

SHELDON: (Filtered) Awful! That's the school cafeteria! They're supposed to be making dinner for all the visitors! It should smell fine!

BERNADETTE: (Still hissing) Well, I'M the one here and YOU'RE not, and I'M telling you it smells absolutely AWFUL in here! (She reaches the corner. We see RAJ pushing a cart up toward her and smiling. He is eating a drumstick.)

HOWARD: (Filtered) What does it smell like?

BERNADETTE: Like a trash compactor in here! (RAJ bumps into her from behind. BERNADETTE yelps.)

HOWARD: (Filtered) What happened?

BERNADETTE: (Turns. Sighs.) Oh, it's just Raj! (Looks at RAJ) Where have you been? We've been looking all over the place for Howard's robot! (Sniffs) Okay, where HAVE you been?

RAJ: (Still smiling) Relax! It's okay! I found Lisa's breasts! (Nods toward cart)

HOWARD: (Filtered) Say again?!

BERNADETTE: (Sputtering) It's Raj. He's here. He says he found Lisa's breasts!

HOWARD: (Filtered) Koothrappali's there?! He was crawling around in the trash! We told him to hit the showers!

BERNADETTE: I know. I'm here with him now, remember?

HOWARD: (Filtered) Let me talk to him!

(Cut to: HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON.)

HOWARD: (Removing phone from his ear) Relax. Bernadette says Koothrappali found Lisa's missing breasts. (Returns phone to his ear.) Hello?

(Cut to: RAJ with BERNADETTE. BERNADETTE is wrinkling her nose.)

RAJ: Hey, dude!

HOWARD: (Filtered) We told you to hit the showers!

RAJ: I told you. I was hungry!

HOWARD: (Filtered) Did you find the rest of Lisa?

RAJ: Relax, dude. Everything's okay. I found her.

HOWARD: (Filtered) Where was she?

RAJ: She was in the kitchen administrator's office.

HOWARD: (Filtered) Did anyone see you?

BERNADETTE: A better question would be if anyone SMELLED you…

RAJ: (Ignoring her) No, man. I just saw the cart in there and lifted up the sheet and there they were! (Slaps cart behind him.) It's all okay now!

(The cart slowly begins rolling back down behind him unnoticed.)

HOWARD: (Filtered) Are you sure?

RAJ: Of course!

(We see the cart accelerating as it careens back from the camera toward the rear of the set. A large set of additional double doors are visible.)

HOWARD: Then you need to get her out of there. Put her in the dumbwaiter. Bernadette can show you where it is –

RAJ: Okay, no problem. (Turns) Uh-oh…

(Cut to: HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD)

HOWARD: (Alarmed) What do you mean, uh-oh?

RAJ: (Filtered) Lookout!

BERNADETTE: (Filtered) Lookout!

RAJ: (Filtered) Runaway cart!

(Cut to: GABLEHAUSER and DR. SHENOY at the dinner table.)

DR. SHENOY: So, what's taking so long, Gablehauser?

GABLEHAUSER: Oh, it's probably nothing, Siddharth. I asked the staff to do an extra special job preparing everything just the way you liked it. (We hear commotion off camera)

DR. SHENOY: What's all that noise?

GABLEHAUSER: (Dismissively) Oh, it's probably nothing –

(We hear a crashing sound. A large torso sails in from the left side of the screen and lands directly in front of GABLEHAUSER and DR. SHENOY. It consists solely of six lifelike female breasts. GABLEHAUSER and DR. SHENOY stare for a moment.)

GABLEHAUSER: Um…would you care for a drumstick this year instead, Siddharth?

(Cut to: Commercial)

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