Title: The World You Love
Category: TV Shows » Castle
Author: caskettinacastle
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Drama

Chapter 3: Remember When It Rained

Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)

Spoilers: Through part of Season 4

Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)

A/N: Okay, so here is the next update. I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, but it took me a while to write it. I wanted the third chapter to be Rick's doctor's appointment. I wrote the whole thing and it wound up being 28 pages long. I thought that posting a 28 page long chapter would be too long. Maybe you disagree, but I did. So I wound up dividing up the chapter into two parts. The good news is that the next 17 pages are written. So I should be able to post this part today and the next tomorrow. I had a hard time writing this one. I put a lot of my own emotions into it. I won't go into the sort of things I've been through, but a lot of this comes from the heart. I really hope that you like this chapter. Feel free to point out any mistakes. I've read through this so many times my head hurts, but I always seemed to miss something. Without further delay, I'll let you get on with it.

I just want to say that the positive responses you guys have given this so far are absolutely amazing! I want to thank you all so much for your kind words. They really do mean the world to me. I'm sorry I haven't been posting as frequently as you might like. I'm really trying to put out quality chapters that I'm proud of. I think that because I'm somewhat of a perfectionist that it takes a lot of editing and effort before I'm comfortable posting. I'll try to be better about updating. Thanks again for reading! You guys are awesome! :D


The next morning Castle awoke to find himself enveloped in gentle rays of sunlight. The beams cast a warm orange glow on Castle's eyelids. He stirred, making the lengthy transition between his serene dream-like state and what he knew now to be cold harsh reality. Richard Castle was somewhat of a morning person. In fact, Kate had made many comments about Castle's very high-spirited disposition on the mornings when she had a headache. He usually managed to win Kate's good graces on the days where she was overly drained by getting her morning latte. Castle's mouth started to water slightly as he thought about coffee. He spent a long minute trying to decide if he wanted coffee and breakfast enough to get out of bed. Normally, there was no hesitation and Castle would go bounding downstairs to the kitchen. However, this morning Castle found that he was in the midst of one of those rare occasions when he would rather spend buried under the protection of the covers. If only the covers could truly protect him from the reality. Castle let out a groan, not wanting to have to face what he knew was coming. With a sleepy groan and a gruff sigh, Castle turned away from the windows and rolled onto his side. Knowing what lie in store for him, only made him want to bury himself deeper. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that he might be fortunate enough to fall back into sleep. His hope was that in sleep, he might be able to escape from all of the things that seemed to be pulling him apart.

Despite his best efforts not to think about those things, however, Castle let his mind wander, and he unknowingly fixated upon them. He knew that there would be little chance of him returning to his previous dream of Kate and paradise. He tossed and turned for the next ten minutes ago, but finally gave up fighting and settled on his back. Castle threw his forearm over his eyes, letting his breathing even out. He'd finally made it back into sleep, but unfortunately, his nirvana didn't last long. Alexis' alarm clock started going off with a shrill chirp. Castle realized that she must have forgotten to turn it off. He threw back his forearm, rolled over, and silenced it. Castle decided to take it as a sign from the universe. Castle rolled back onto his back, opened his eyes, and pushed himself into a seated position. A quick once over of the other side of the bed, told him Alexis was awake already. Castle let out a low chuckle, and shook his head in amusement. From experience, Castle knew that nearly every other college student that was currently on summer vacation would probably be sleeping well into the afternoon, but not Alexis. In fact, some days, she was up before him. Castle got up and padded down the hallway towards the stairs.

He paused at the top of the stairs, hiding behind the bend in the wall. He could hear the murmurs of soft conversation. Whatever was being discussed sounded important. Her could hear the underlying alto of Alexis' voice that she used when she felt very strongly about something. Castle closed his eyes and concentrated harder.

"Alexis, sweetheart," Martha spoke calmly. "Your father wouldn't want you to give up school." Martha took a short pause.

"I wouldn't be giving it up, grams," Alexis replied, "But someone has to be here to take care of him. Every single time I've been sick, he's waited on me hand and foot. He's gone to every possible length to give me whatever I wanted or needed. I think that at the very least, he deserves the same from me!"

"What makes you think that I can't take care of him?" Martha challenged. "He's my son." Then she added. "Sweetheart, you worked so hard to get into Oxford. It's been your dream since you were a little girl."

"I know, but Dad is more important," Alexis spoke, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotion. He closed his eyes, feeling his heart skip a beat in his chest. 'God Bless her,' he thought. There were no words for the amount of love he had for his daughter. He knew she'd give up everything if she could just spare him from what was coming. Unfortunately, he knew that no one could alter what had to happen. He found himself agreeing with his mother. "Please don't let her give up everything for me," Rick pleaded in a whisper. "She has the whole world waiting out there for her. She could do or be anything she wanted. I don't want to keep her from her dreams..."

"Dear," Martha spoke wisely. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? At this point we don't even know how bad things are, or what the treatment is going to be like," Martha argued. "I just think that you might want to wait a little longer before making such a radical decision." There was another pause. "But no matter what happens, I promise you that he'll be taken care of."

Castle took another step, praying that nothing would give him away. Apparently luck wasn't really on his side. He muttered a curse under his breath as the floorboard underneath his left foot squeaked. Abruptly, the two women stopped conversing. Castle strode around the corner and then descended the stairs to the happy chiming of his mother's warm voice.

"There he is! The man of the hour," Martha smiled, wrapping her arms around him in greeting. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," Castle replied as he returned the fierce embrace. Once he pulled away, he reached up to rub away the sore kink in his neck.

"Sit," Martha directed him to sit down on a chair at the bar in the kitchen. He watched her pour him a glass of orange juice, and thanked her as she set it down on the granite in front of him. "I made you that egg dish that you really like. Do you know which one I'm talking about? It's umm… the one that has the pieces of bacon and the creamy american cheese in it?"

"The egg strata?" Richard asked, feeling rather surprised, "You mean the one that we usually reserve for Christmas morning brunch?"

"Yes," Martha replied excitedly, "It's your favorite, isn't it?"

"Of course," Castle replied, "But I really wish you wouldn't have gone through all that trouble, mother." Castle sighed sadly. "I know from past experience just how much work goes into making it."

"Ah, nonsense," Martha waved her hand dismissively, "It wasn't hard to make at all." Martha turned around to look at the timer. "It should be done any minute now." A beat. "Besides, I figure that we all have a fairly long day ahead of us," Martha argued, "You deserve a nice nutritious breakfast." Castle couldn't stop the chuckle from coming out. He met Alexis' eyes and she smiled. Martha, however, was a little confused.

"What's so funny?" the elaborately dressed, older woman asked.

"Nothing…" Castle replied, "It's just… Nutritious isn't exactly how I would describe the dish, mother. There's got to be like a thousand calories in it."

"As if you ever worried whether something was healthy before," Alexis joked. "I mean… whipped cream from a can, dad? And that's not even mentioning those smorlets that you make." Castle chuckled again.

"You're right," Castle replied. "I should start eating better."

"Nah," Alexis shook her head. "I think you're entitled to eat anything that sounds good to you before…" Alexis suddenly realized what she was about to say and cut herself off. Still, she'd said enough for Castle to fill in the rest. 'Before the chemo,' or 'Before you're so sick you can't eat anything.' Castle swallowed uncomfortably, struggling to lift the unbearable weight that seemed to settle over the room. He thanked the lord for his mother when she broke the silence.

"Richard," his mother's voice cut in, shifting his attention from Alexis and onto her instead. "Why don't you go get dressed? I should have this on the table by the time that you get back out here."

"Sure, mother," Castle nodded as he took one long pull from his orange juice, set the glass back down on the counter, and slid off of his stool with a certain finesse. He could feel Alexis' apologetic gaze on him as he slipped from the room. He walked into his bedroom and into his walk-in closet. There he leant against the door jam and closed his eyes. How much more was the cancer going to take away from him? It was already ruining the usually wonderful dynamic of his family in a way that he hated. Were they ever going to be able to joke around without feeling like they were breaking some sort of rule? It felt like there was some invisible elephant in the room just looming over everyone. Castle took a deep breath and then opened his eyes. He was more determined than ever to get on with his life.

He returned to the primary task of getting dressed. He ruled out his dress shirts, and his sport coats as possible options, mainly because it was too hot for them. For once, Castle didn't really have to worry about looking professional, mainly because he didn't have to worry about going to the publisher or the precinct. In the end, Castle wound up dressing a little more casually than he would normally, and decided on a pair of nice Khaki Dockers, and a button up flannel shirt.

He set them on the rack closest to him, and started to unbutton his shirt. He fumbled with a few of them, and let out frustrated puffs of air as he did so. In a short time, however, he was free from the very wrinkled piece of clothing. He scrutinized it carefully, wondering if the sweat stains would come out of it. He wasn't terribly optimistic, and so he settled for chucking it in the wastebasket. In no time, he was pulling his white undershirt over his head, and was tossing it into the trash with its partner. He reached down to his belt, and unbuckled it. When he looked back up to his reflection in the mirror, he froze. His hands fell away from his body for a brief moment. It had to be some kind of trick of the light. Slowly Castle reached up to his chest, his fingers prodding at discolored skin. He winced a little as he felt a dull throbbing as a result. He swallowed thickly. How had he not noticed them before? Quickly, his eyes scanned over his arms, finding a fresh bruise and some faded ones. Castle squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment, let out a deep breath, and then went back to dressing as if nothing had happened. By the time he waltzed out into the great room, he had a smile on his face.

They had a relatively normal brunch, and then gathered in the living room to watch a movie. It was mainly just to pass the time until they inevitably headed to the hospital for the biggest doctor's appointment of Castle's life. He had no idea what tests were in store for him, but he could only imagine it would be rough. Finally, the grandfather clock chimed on the hour, signaling that it was time for them to go.

Within minutes, they were in a rented car, and were navigating through the crazy New York City traffic as they headed to Castle's doctor's appointment at Mount Sinai. Richard was fascinated by the divergent weather outside. Rain pelted down in sheets on the windshield as the driver continued slowly and cautiously to the hospital. As beautiful as the day before had been, this one was ugly. It was such a remarkable dynamic, that he had a hard time accepting the dreary weather. Every once and a while a flash of lightning and a loud crack of thunder would adorn the city sky. A big storm had rolled in over the course of the morning. To Rick, there was something right about the fact that it was raining; it seemed to fit his mood quite exceptionally. Alexis knew that Rick liked the rain. She could imagine that Castle had spent a lot of time as a young boy, jumping into puddles, and watching storms pass before his eyes. Alexis shared her father's fondness for storms. She loved everything about the rain, and the way the musky scent drifted into the air as the sky opened up and dumped on the world. In fact, Alexis even kept her car window cracked open during the drive, trying to enjoy the smell that it left as watched her father doze in the back seat. The rain splashed through the window and onto her face felt very soothing on her warm forehead. She watched her father carefully, and bit down on her lip as she prayed that they could get through this.

Finally, they made it to the Doctor Reynolds' office. Fortunately, the building was actually connected to the hospital through a small walkway. The driver pulled up to the curb, and Martha, Alexis, and Castle all climbed out the passenger side. When Castle turned, he let his eyes sweep up the monstrous building. He froze, seemingly unable to take another step. If it wasn't for Alexis, he might've stood there all day, just staring at the building in front of him. Castle jumped slightly as Alexis' hand slid into his own. Castle quickly pulled himself together, shaking his head to clear out the cobwebs. Together he and Alexis walked hand in hand to the main doors. Again, Castle paused for a minute outside. He stood there, just feeling the rain pour down on them. It felt like he was being cleansed. Alexis' hand gave Castle's a reassuring squeeze, although inside she was just as much of a wreck as her father.

"It'll be fine," Alexis whispered aloud, deciding that she needed to be brave for him. "Whatever happens, we'll get through it."

"We'll get through it," Martha echoed, before reaching up to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Okay… Let's go," Castle breathed, while taking the liberty of stealing a little glance over at his amazing daughter, who he already knew to be incredibly strong. Although, if the look on his daughter's face was any indication she seemed more nervous about than the appointment than he did, and that told him that she was in fact quite scared. Castle tried to ignore the way that Alexis' hand held his so very tightly. He didn't know why, but the anxious expressions flitting across the young woman's delicate features instilled some sort of pain in him, deep in his chest. He felt guilty for putting his own daughter through this. Finally, after seeing his mother check her watch for the tenth time, Castle decided to stop over analyzing everything, and get on with it.

Castle walked slowly through the massive and rather intimidating front doors of Mount Sinai Hospital. He swallowed over the sudden dryness in his throat that felt comparable to a golf ball being lodged in his throat. The hospital seemed like a completely different place now that he was a patient. He had been to hospitals all over the city due to his status as an important benefactor. He'd donated a significant amount of money to the children's hospital. Now, Rick was in need of its services. Castle felt his stomach churn as he started to look around. He hoped no one recognized him. He was uncomfortable and felt so much like he didn't belong there. He'd never admitted it out loud, of course, but Richard Castle absolutely despised hospitals. All the bright lights, and the smell of bleach, made his head spin. It also carried memories with it. Kate. Castle's heart skipped a beat as the vivid memory of Kate lying motionless on a gurney as he chased after it. He could still remember the blood that dripped down onto the floor.

"Dad? You okay?" Alexis' worried voice pulled him out of the horrifying memory, and saved him from more grief. Castle nodded, leading them towards the walkway located to the left of the lobby.

As he walked, Castle allowed his senses to reunite with the familiar scent of disinfectant and the usual surroundings as he made his way through the corridors.

"It's this way," he swallowed, tugging Alexis in the right direction. They turned around a couple of corners, and then it was there in front of them. Castle led them through the glass walkway and into safer territory. Alexis frowned as Castle let go of her hand.

Castle walked up to the receptionist's desk and gave her his name, Dr. Reynolds' name, and the time of the appointment. She made a brief phone call and then told him the doctor would be out soon. Then she handed him some paperwork to fill out and asked him to take a seat. He took the clipboard from her hands and stepped away.

Castle crossed the expanse of the waiting room, weaving his way through the chairs while Alexis followed closely behind with his mother. He hadn't meant for it to turn out this way, but he figured that it would be good for them to be there. That way they could ask any questions they wanted. Castle picked a small gap, where several adjoined chairs were vacant. He sat down in one and pulled his fountain pen from his pocket and uncapped it. He read the first question, and brought his pen to the paper as he started on the small questionnaire that queried about his medical history.

He finished the packet rather quickly. Although, when he was done, he almost wished he had taken longer because he really needed the distraction.

His stomach felt as if it were tied in knots, and the feeling only seemed to be getting worse. He knew that it was the nerves taking over, but he couldn't do anything to top them.

Castle couldn't seem to stop fidgeting as he continued to wait in his chair in the lobby. His hands started out in his lap, then on the armrests, and then to his knees. His leg bounced up and down in a jittery and highly repetitive movement that he was sure looked quite ridiculous. Castle swallowed as he felt a hand envelope one of his. His heartbeat grew stronger as he looked next to him to see Alexis. She gave it a squeeze, so as to say that she too knew what he was going through. She also wanted to remind him that he wasn't alone in this.

"Richard Castle?" A voice called out for him, and it tugged him out of his own tumultuous thoughts. He jumped up rather quickly, and walked over towards his doctor while being flanked by his mother and Alexis. He was surprised that Dr. Reynolds had taken the time to walk out to the waiting room since most doctors were either too busy, or too important to do so.

"Hi," Castle greeted with a forced smile, as the two exchanged a handshake.

"Good afternoon," Dr. Reynolds replied. "Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for squeezing me in on such short notice," Castle offered, knowing that it must have been difficult.

"It's not a problem," Jake continued with the exchange. For the first time he acknowledged Martha and Alexis. "You brought some company with you, I see."

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did. This is my mother, Martha, and Alexis, my daughter. I hope that's not a problem," Castle replied all too quickly, "But given the circumstances I thought that it would be good to have them here."

"I don't mind at all," Jake replied honestly, "I'm glad to see you have such a good support system." He turned to Martha and smiled. "It's good to meet the both of you, although I wish that it were under better circumstances."

"Me too," she replied honestly. "But it's good to meet you too."

"Well, how about we head back to my office," Jake suggested, "It seems that we have lots to talk about." Castle nodded. Dr. Reynolds led them down a hallway, and down another before finally coming to his office. He waved them inside, and then followed them in, shutting the door behind them for privacy.

"Please sit," the doctor implored them as he walked around his desk. Castle, Martha, and Alexis each procured a seat and sank down into it. "I know that you must have a lot of questions, but I feel as if I should start out with a little bit of information first." Jake paused for a moment, as he sat in his chair and leant forwards, propping his elbows on the desk. He cleared his throat. "Rick, I told you yesterday have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. What you should know, is that it's the most common type of Leukemia. Leukemia is a cancer of the blood and the bone marrow. It's characterized primarily by malformed or immature leukocytes, or white blood cells. In this case, the band cells that are supposed to mature into healthy functioning white blood cells don't do so. As a result, the amount of healthy cells in the blood decreases, and the body loses its ability to fight off infections. In addition to malformed leukocytes, it is also possible to have abnormal red blood cells and platelets. The disease usually presents with flu-like symptoms such as fatigue, night sweats, nausea, weakness, and dizziness. It also results in increased bleeding such as bruising and nosebleeds. Untreated, the disease is fatal. But with treatment, it is completely curable." Castle heard his mother and Alexis let out an audible sigh. "As a cancer, Leukemia is extremely aggressive, but I'm happy to say that timing has worked out in your favor and that we caught it early."

"What would you say my prognosis is?" Castle asked as Dr. Reynolds took a pause.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds folded his hands, looking slightly uncomfortable. None of this was easy. "We still need to run a few more tests before we can accurately determine your prognosis, but I expect you to have a fairly good prognosis. You're young, and have no history of other serious illness." This time, it was Castle who let out a small sigh of relief. "I spent a fair amount of time on the phone this morning with Dr. Anders. We discussed the histology results from the bone marrow biopsy, and I'm happy to say that he was able to pinpoint which of your cells have been affected. I'm not sure how much you know, but there are eight main subtypes of AML. These subtypes are typically characterized by chromosomal abnormalities, and are usually identified by the type of cells that are involved. You have what we call M5, or Monocytic Leukemia." Castle's jaw clenched.

"I umm… I remember reading some information on the various subtypes of Leukemia, but I don't really remember which one is which," Castle admitted. "So uh… is that good or bad?" Castle asked calmly.

"Well," there was a long pause, during which they all held their breath, and then, "It's not favorable, but it's not highly unfavorable either." Then he elaborated. "What I mean by that is that there are subtypes that are considered to be more treatable and those that are considered a little more difficult to be treated. You don't have either."

"So I'm in the middle somewhere," Castle clarified.

"Yes," Dr. Reynolds replied confidently. "Although, I'd like to stress that your prognosis is still dependent on a lot of other factors. I stand by my first statement, which is that you should have a relatively good prognosis." Castle nodded. He was happy to get any reassurance that he could. It made it less likely that the negative thoughts would creep in later on when he was back home. "That being said, the disease can progress very quickly, so Dr. Anders and I feel as if it is very important that we do some more tests so that we can come up with more conclusive answers. Then we'd like to start your treatment as soon as possible."

"I agree with that approach," Castle said with a resolute nod.

"Good," Dr. Reynolds replied, happy that they'd reached a consensus. "Because when I talked to Dr. Anders this morning, we agreed to set up an appointment for you to have the tests done today at the hospital. So once we're done here, Dr. Anders will help you get most of the important tests out of the way, and we can get started on making those important decisions for you." Castle swallowed. He was grateful that both of the doctors seemed to be looking out for his best interests. Still, it felt like a lot to go through in one day. He had a feeling it would be one hell of an afternoon and an evening.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Martha finally spoke, "But what sort of treatment would something like Richard's illness involve?" Martha asked.

"Well, typically, chemotherapy is used. This is all hypothetical, of course. But first, Castle will undergo a round of induction therapy in an effort to bring him into remission. The goal is to greatly reduce the number of cancer cells in the body. A single cycle of induction chemotherapy usually brings about remission in 70 to 80 percent of patients. Then once the amount of cancer cells that comprise the blood are reduced to less than 5%, Castle would undergo another round of consolidation therapy to kill all of the remaining cancer cells in his blood. A very small number of patients relapse after obtaining remission, but those that do often have pre-existing high-risk factors that indicate a potential for relapse. Rick shouldn't have those."

"How do you determine whether the patient is at high risk for that?" Castle asked calmly.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds replied slowly, trying to figure out how he would explain it. "It really depends on Cytogentics. Cytogentics allows us to identify the subtype of AML, which in your case we already know. But there is also another thing we have to worry about. There is a particular gene, called the FLT3 gene, and when it is present, it indicates a higher risk of relapse." Jake paused, watching all three of the people sitting across from him analyze his words. "It also depends on how advanced the cancer is when we find it, and whether any cancer cells are present in the spinal fluid and the rest of the central nervous system."

"Now you talk about two rounds of chemotherapy," Alexis spoke up. "How many days a month would my dad actually have to have chemo treatments?"

"That's a good question," the doctor replied. "Leukemia is actually treated a bit differently than other cancers, since radiation isn't typically utilized as part of the treatment. In your dad's case, he would probably undergo a single cycle. The first week he'd have medications administered every day for seven days, and then the following four weeks to six weeks to recover. If the induction chemotherapy doesn't bring him into remission, then another cycle of induction chemotherapy is administered." Castle swallowed. It was a lot different than he had been expecting.

"Now," Castle managed to choke out. "Would I have to stay in the hospital for that week, or…" Castle let his voice trail off. He decided to leave it as an open-ended question.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds replied, "Actually, most patients are hospitalized for the full five weeks." Castle's stomach sank as he realized just what an ordeal this was going to be. "That's the thing about treating Leukemia. The drugs that we administer to treat it are very potent. And unfortunately? They are also non-discriminatory. They kill healthy cells in the blood and bone marrow as well as the cancerous ones." He paused briefly, taking in the look on the faces of the people sitting across from them. He could tell that they hadn't been expecting that response. "Unfortunately chemo will leave you extremely vulnerable to infection. You won't be able to fight anything on your own. That's one of the main reasons why patients are hospitalized. When patients are in the hospital, we can control their environment and make it less likely for them to contract a severe and potentially fatal infection or virus."

"What about home care?" Castle asked quietly.

"I would be happy to consider such a possibility, but I would need to consult with Dr. Anders first before deciding one way or the other," he replied. "I think that he's the one who will ultimately be making those choices, since he's the specialist." Castle nodded.

"Well, there's one other thing that I think is important to mention," Dr. Reynolds spoke finally. "But I wouldn't want to presume anything, and I'm not really sure if you'd like to discuss it in front of your family."

"It's fine," Richard assured him.

"Dad," Alexis spoke up, "If you want grams and I to step out for a minute, we can."

"No," he shook his head. "It's okay."

"Okay," Dr. Reynolds nodded. He looked a little uneasy before asking, "Have you… Have you given any thought as to whether or not you might want to have children in the future?"

"No," Castle stuttered, as he struggled to order and compose his suddenly chaotic thoughts, which seemed to be all over the place. He didn't know why, but the question made him feel very emotional. He suddenly understood why the man had given him the option of having this conversation in private.

"No. Not really," Castle replied. He knew that his answer was kind of a lie, so he decided to be a little more forthcoming, "Of course I always hoped that maybe someday, you know, if I met the right person, that I would like to maybe…" Castle's voice broke, and he let out a frayed breath. "I'm sorry," he quickly apologized as he squeezed his eyes shut. He suddenly felt as if he were on the brink, and was about to fall. His shoulders slumped forwards and he reached up to try to rub away the burning in his eyes with his thumb and his forefinger. He felt his throat start to close up on him completely, and wasn't sure if he could finish. Alexis, sensing his distress, piped up to say.

"I think what my dad is trying to say," she spoke softly, "is that he'd really like to be able to pursue that option in the future if…err...when he marries the love of his life."

"Pumpkin, it's okay you don't have to…" Castle breathed, feeling awful. Both of them seemed to be skirting around the fact Castle only had one person in mind when it came to ever marrying again. Kate was Castle's one true love, and up until now, he had always dreamt about the amazing possibility of starting a family with her. The fact was, if Kate wanted kids, he wanted to be able to give her a daughter or a son. If things didn't work out, and he couldn't do that, he was sure he would feel pretty devastated. At the same time, however, Castle loved Alexis dearly, and he knew that if she was the only child that he ever had, that he would still be more than happy. He had already been so blessed as to have her.

It was just hard to think about something that up until now, he'd taken for granted.

"Okay," Dr. Reynolds cut in softly. "Rick, I know that it's a pretty loaded question, and an emotional one at that."

"I'm sorry," Rick apologized as he dropped his hand and blinked away tears. Castle looked away, feeling embarrassed.

"Don't apologize," Jake replied warmly. "It's a difficult question."

"I guess it's just hard because I'd never thought about it before," Castle choked out.

"Yeah," the doctor agreed. "You know why I'm asking though, don't you?"

"Yeah," Castle swallowed. "Because the chemotherapy drugs affect fertility in men and women." He nodded.

"Which means that if you do want to be able to have children," Jake spoke slowly, "That you're going to want to plan for it ahead of time." He paused to take a breath. "And you're probably going to want to do something about it soon, because we'll probably initiate chemotherapy within the next few weeks."

"Okay," Castle nodded, his mind suddenly racing. He closed his eyes again as he thought about how much more complicated this made everything. He couldn't do anything the way that he wanted. In the past, when Castle thought about having children with Kate, he imagined it as being a sort of unexpected surprise, where Kate would show him the pregnancy test and he would be overcome with sudden joy. He imagined picking her up and spinning her around, all the while shouting to the world that he was going to have a baby with the woman he loved. Anything else just seemed wrong to him.

The next hour, they spent talking over the smaller details until they were all sure that they knew what to expect in the coming months. At around 4:30, Dr. Reynolds walked them out into the waiting room, and gave them directions on how to get to the Outpatient Registration desk so that they could do the testing they needed.

They made their way back to the lobby and headed towards the main elevator. Alexis, never releasing his hand, matched him step for step. Together, Castle, Martha, and Alexis entered the elevator and Martha pressed the button for the appropriate floor and rode it up with a small sigh. Castle shifted from foot to foot, and Alexis could see that he was growing anxious. She watched him continue to fight his own demons, sadly. After stopping at several other floors, the elevator finally reached the floor they needed. The doors finally parted and Castle, Martha, and Alexis filed out behind the large group of patients, doctors, nurses and an assortment of other individuals that made up the group. When the hallway cleared in front of them, they were left to get their direction from the large sign on the opposite wall. Castle watched the chaos in keen interest as all of the people from the elevator ran off in different directions. They all had a mission and a purpose, and by some miracle, they managed to avoid collisions. Castle's eyes darted back to the sign. He was looking at it, but his mind seemed to be in another place. He stared, waiting for the white letters to form into something he understood. They all seemed to move around, jumbling into different combinations in front of his eyes that made absolutely no sense to him. Rick shook his head. Now he was sure that he was officially losing it.

Castle had no idea how he was going to make it through the rest of the day. He was already so emotionally and physically exhausted. He knew that the tests would only make that feeling that much worse, but he had to trudge on. He was more determined than ever to get through it. He knew that with Martha and Alexis at his side that he could do anything. Somehow, they would make it through. Castle wondered how many times he'd have to say those words before he actually believed them.


So that's the first part! Depending on how it's received, the second part should be up at some point tonight or early tomorrow. Thanks so much for reading. If you can, please take a second to hit the review button and leave a short comment! It only takes a second!