"So what's the plan, J?" asked Two-Face, as all the inmates gathered in the Rec Room later. "You said we were going to put on some sort of show."
"Yep, but I don't think any of you are going to like it," said Joker.
"I think most of us enjoy a little theatricality – otherwise we wouldn't dress up in costumes," pointed out Tetch, and the others murmured their agreement.
"Yeah, but this ain't gonna be fun acting for anyone," said Joker. "As far as I can see, there's only one way to make everything go back to normal. We have to all pretend to be cured. If we're cured, there's no fun in coming to see us, or watching us, if we're not doing anything interesting. Basically, we're all going to have to act like normal people, because nobody would pay to watch normal people."
There was stunned silence. "But…how do normal people act?" asked Croc, slowly.
"Well, that's the tricky thing, Croc old boy," said Joker. "You see, each of us has a persona, an identity, but in order to act like normal people, we have to conceal that identity and blend in with a crowd. So whatever makes us stand out is the thing we have to repress. Like me being hysterically funny – when the audience comes in, I have to resist the urge to send insulting jokes their way, and not be entertaining in the slightest. In your case, Croc, people will probably want to see your animal savagery, so you gotta hide that. Maybe borrow some books from the nerds and just spout out random intellectual soundbites instead. You can read, right?"
"Mostly," agreed Croc. "At least, I could. It's been a long time since I tried."
"Now, for Craney, no scaring people," said Joker, turning to him. "Not even a little. You just sit quietly in your cell and do nothing. Don't even look at people, because your face will probably scare them because it's so ugly. Same goes for you, Tetchy," he said, turning to Tetch. "Also, lose the hat, and no poetry or tea parties."
"But…but…whatever will I do to pass the time?" stammered Tetch.
"Nothing," retorted Joker. "We all have to be hugely boring so nobody will pay to see us. Eddie, no riddles," he said, addressing Nygma.
"But if there's an audience, I have to prove I'm smarter than all of them by stumping them with a perplexing conundrum…" began Nygma.
"No, you don't," retorted Joker. "You have to button your yap. You have to just sit quietly and resist the opportunity to show off. I know that's asking a lot."
He turned to Two-Face. "You lose the duality thing. Whatever you do, don't flip the coin."
"But what if I have a decision to make?" demanded Two-Face. "And everything in my cell is divided evenly along the good side and the bad side…"
"So mess it up," interrupted Joker. "There's not much we can do about your face, but your actions are going to be normal and dull so once the morbid fascination with your appearance wears off, everyone will be bored of you. Same goes for you, Weed Lady," he said, turning to Ivy. "God knows why anyone would wanna stare at you, but I guess some people find you attractive. There's nothing we can do about that, since to mutilate you would encourage the same morbid fascination as Harvey's face, but if you're nothing but another pretty face, you're nothing that exotic. So lose the plants."
"I will do no such thing!" snapped Ivy. "I'm not going along with your stupid idea!"
"You can't tell me I'm wrong!" snapped Joker. "People are gonna pay to see us as infamous criminals – if we don't act like infamous criminals, people are not gonna pay!"
"They'll probably get bored of us eventually anyway," retorted Ivy. "I mean, how fascinating can we be?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm endlessly entertaining," retorted Joker. "My creators wanted to kill me off in my second appearance, but changed their minds because I was too good a character to kill off."
"What creators? What are you talking about?" asked Ivy, puzzled.
"Never mind – you don't get the joke," muttered Joker. "Look, if people eventually get bored of us, and we just suddenly stop being profitable, the city will shut us down. But if they think Dr. Leland's made some progress with us by rehabilitating us into normal, productive members of society, then they'll have to keep Arkham open because it's worth the money. It's the only way to get outta this situation without being sent to Blackgate. And good luck getting to keep your plants in there! They don't call it the green mile because you get to garden, y'know!"
Ivy glared at him. "I guess…I can plant them in the garden until after this is over," she muttered.
"And you, pooh, have the hardest job of all," said Joker, turning to Harley. "You gotta repress your one obsession."
"No!" gasped Harley. "No, puddin', you can't mean…"
"I do," he said, nodding. "You gotta pretend like…"
"Don't say it!" cried Harley.
"You don't love me anymore," finished Joker.
Harley let out a sob. "No, I can't do it!" she shrieked. "Not even as a joke!"
"Harley, you gotta pretend to be over me," he said, taking her by the shoulders. "For all our sakes. This doesn't work unless we all work together – believe me, if there was another way, I'd never work with this bunch of painfully unfunny jokes on humanity."
"I think it'll be good for you, Harley," spoke up Ivy. "Maybe if you pretend you're over J long enough, you might actually end up getting over him."
"Never!" cried Harley, clinging to him. "I won't deny my feelings for you, puddin'! You can't ask me to do that!"
"Harley, I'm the fixation of your obsessive madness," said Joker. "If people think you're over that, then they'll think you're well on your way to being cured. This is the only way, don't you understand that? Or we'll be sent to Blackgate and you'll have to go to the women's section, and I'll have to go to the men's, and we'll be separated."
"So the choice is…pretend I don't love you and get to stay here with you, or…stay true to my feelings and be parted forever," murmured Harley.
"Well, probably not forever – you'll likely be breaking out at some point," pointed out Tetch.
"Hey, from what I hear, Blackgate's kinda a security nightmare," said Joker. "Have you ever heard about Bane breaking outta there? And he's Bane – the guy can punch through walls for fun, but he couldn't punch through those ones. And Penguin had to go legitimate before he could get outta there. And now you should see how careful he is when committing crimes like tax evasion, or smuggling contraband – he's terrified of being caught and dragged back there. I mean, I'm sure I could break outta it, because there ain't been a jail yet that can hold the Joker, but why cause unnecessary work for myself?"
"Puddin', I can't!" sobbed Harley. "I can't have my cell all bare with no pictures of you everywhere! I can't have people asking me about you and telling them that I don't care about you anymore! I don't have the strength to do that!"
Joker suddenly slapped her across the face. "Yes, you do!" he snapped. "Now get ahold of yourself! Dammit, Harl, I've beaten you enough times that I know you're strong enough to deal with anything! Don't make me prove it to you by beating you some more!"
"Joker's touching casual abuse aside, I'm afraid to admit he might be right," sighed Crane. "Acting boring, ie normal, is the only way for people to simultaneously lose interest and yet see Arkham as vital. We'll all be bored out of our skulls, of course, but I just don't see another alternative. Hopefully this will only be for a short while."
"I have a question," snapped Nygma. "Why are you going along with this, Joker? You aren't a team player, we all know that, and surely nothing would be funnier for you than to screw us over by making us suffer acting normal, and then ruin everything by being your usual, over-the-top, violent self. How do we know you won't mess everything up as you always do?"
"Because he doesn't want us to be parted forever!" exclaimed Harley.
"No, Harley, nobody is gonna buy that," retorted Joker. "To be honest with all of you, I think this is an opportunity for a great joke on the people of Gotham, to ruin their expectations of what notorious supercriminals are like. They're paying good money to see the Joker acting all crazy, and I'm gonna be laughing inwardly at their disappointed faces when they see how normal I can be. It's also a challenge to my genius – am I so talented that I can actually convince everyone that the Joker can act like a sane person? And I'm going to show you that the answer is yes – I'm just that incredible. Plus it'll be quite a joke on everyone when they think I'm cured, and then I just go back to my normal violent ways. You could say it's two jokes for the price of one, when screwing you guys over, while hilarious, would only be one joke, and a fairly predictable one at that. It would have to be, for Nygma to think of it."
"Well, he's right – if we do this, we all have to do this together," said Ivy, nodding. "And we all know how supervillain cooperation usually ends, but this time has gotta be different. This time we all actually have to do our part without screwing anyone else over. That's gonna be a challenge for me, I can tell you."
There was a murmur of agreement from the room. "Well…to honor among thieves?" asked Tetch, holding out his hand.
Everyone was silent, and then slowly added their hands on top of his. "Puddin', joy buzzer," snapped Harley, as Joker was about to add his hand.
"Yes, I was going to remove it, Harley," snapped Joker. "Anyway, it only would have shocked you, and that doesn't count."
"I'm…gonna miss…being shocked by you, puddin'!" sobbed Harley, suddenly bursting into tears.
Two- Face rolled his eyes. "Oh, this is gonna last," he muttered, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "What could possibly go wrong?"
