Hey kids. I finally sat down and wrote a third chapter. Actually, I wrote it and lost it and re-wrote it and re-lost it. And now I just found an old handwritten copy. So I typed it up, made some changes, tried to figure out what most of it even meant and cut a bunch of junk. So, brought to you by Old Spice (hey, I played Doctor as a kid)...

Chapter Three: Return to a Painful Experience.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the second pirates movie. Nothing. Nada.


Okay, so from what I remember, we left ORLANDO BLOOM stuck on the JOLLY ROGER with his dad and (somehow) not his soul. JOHNNY and KEIRA are being chased by JACK DAVENPORT and a KRAKEN! So, let's continue.

ORLANDO somehow escapes from the JOLLY ROGER andf finds himself on the same boat that KEIRA just escaped from.

ORLANDO
(twitches, staring at KEIRA's wedding dress)

CREW MEMBER
Dude, why are you staring at my dress?!

ORLANDO
Wait… YOUR DRESS?!

CREW MEMBER
(Meaningless drabble)

ORLANDO
Hey! This is kind of like a plot!

Sudddenly, the ship is eaten by a KRAKEN – along with the aforementioned bare traces of the plot.

GORE VERBINSKI
That was close.

As ORLANDO is a main character, and a bastard, he survives, leaving the rest of the crew to die. Kind chap, eh? In hamony to the tomented screams of the sailors ORLANDO left to die, BILL NIGHY seems to be playing the ORGAN.

If this isn't a good movie, I don't know what is.

And by the way, ORLANDO's shaggy mug makes him look like a woman.

Lucky for ORLANDO BLOOM, BILL NIGHY has his gaze transfixed on KEIRA's wedding dress. This is a plot device known as STALLING.

Meanwhile, JOHNNY and KEIRA are stuck on a ship with JACK DAVENPORT.

Ext: A Ship with JACK DAVENPORT on it

JOHNNY
Sleep with me.

KEIRA
No.

My guess is that this scene would STILL be going on if the camera hadn't been eaten by the KRAKEN. During the scene, however, KEIRA gets CONFUSED.

KEIRA
Shit, man! I think I'm in love with JOHNNY.

Romantic tension builds, as does the desire for the movie to end. Fortunately, we are distracted from all of this, because the Black Pearl has now LANDED.

Ext: An Island. Also with JACK DAVENPORT on it.

JOHNNY
Start digging, Jack.

JACK DAVENPORT begins to dig, KEIRA KNIGHTLY (self-admittedly lazy (hey, watch the special features for the first movie)) watches, glowering at JOHNNY, who's meditating for absolutely no reason. This is okay, however, because ORLANDO is now sprinting towards the terrible trio.

Just then, JACK DAVENPORT uncovers the title chest. Bad music by a bad composer (although, I will admit that he did a good job on Batman) plays.

ORLANDO
JOHNNY, you moron! Why'd you toss me at BILL NIGHY?!

JOHNNY tries to remember his plan, but it was sadly eaten by a KRAKEN.

ORLANDO
Yeah, that tends to happen.

At this moment, KEIRA KNIGHTLY realizes that not only is she a very whorish and conflicted individual with way too much eye makeup and ribs that stick out so far that they're starting to tear her flesh, but that JOHNNY has lied to her.

KEIRA
Wait, WHAT?!

JOHNNY
What?

ME
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?

KEIRA
You lieeeeed to mee! You're a liar, FRED! She shoots him, twice

Wait, no. That was Chicago. Never mind. The actual line would be more like:

KEIRA
You bitch!

JOHNNY
Duh, love.

Everybody gets angry and JACK DAVENPORT acts very stealthy while they all stare at the chest. Which is, in fact, a chest that one keeps something in, not a torso. They starreeeee and sttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeee...


Okay, because I am tired of writing and can't think of a good cliffhanger, THE END. Er, of the chapter. So, go cry about how sucky this one was, complain about it to me, I'll take it off and try to write a better one (or in reality, eat some Americone Dream Ice Cream) and we'll all be (somewhat) merrier.

Right. Reviews.

Ginny Wazlib – Why thank you. Love your name, by the way. Sounds so very familiar….

Solo by Choice – I'm glad that my story is working your flabby abs. I hope to provide readers everywhere with cute little 15 packs.

PsychoPiratess – Yeahh… this isn't soon. Sorry about that.

GreviousDaydreamer – Um. There was a vague reference.. when I get tired I get nerdy and unfunny. Sorry. I reference it better here!

EmoryHotti – My, what a … name you have. Ms. Hotti. It is Miss, isn't it? And thank you, I will have fun torturing fans of this movie. … Sorry, are there any?

Redflower Fox – I am so jealous. I wish I had a Norrington to snuggle. Hm. I'll have to go to sleep and dream one up.

SweetBlackSorrow – Well, I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person. I hope that one day, you look back and I've finished it and you say, "You know, she wrote about a chapter every two years" because you'd be right.

Skyebird – Happy Birthday, whenever that may be. Here's your chapter, order up.

Luthy Lovett – Oh my gosh. "Luthy" Like Lucy with a lisp? That's hilarious. Thanks. You made my… er. Morning.

Natz – Okay. Thanks. Will do.

Jade Sparrow – You liked the last cliffhanger? Wait till you read this one! Or. Actually, you probably already have. Annnnnd it sucked. Sorry about that.

Helen Pattskyn – Well, gee. Thanks.

All right, I am GOING TO BED, DANGIT

Good night and good luck.