I do not own Zero no Tsukaima.

No action yet. Soon, though, the Fouquet arc is coming soon.

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Chapter 3: Diplomatic Engagements

I wake up, the first rays of sunlight reaching my sleep-deprived game-addled eyes. It's still dawn, barely even the morning. I check my Smartphone and confirm this; it is still four in the morning. I immediately close my already sleeping laptop and position it near the window. After all, my laptop isn't a perpetual motion machine. It uses photoelectric, thermoelectric, acoustoelectric, piezoelectric and good old fashioned kinetic generators in order to generate power automatically and improve power usage efficiency. In other words, it converts light, heat, sound, strain, vibrations and movement to electricity. Even better, my laptop consumes much less power by eliminating the need of a cooling system and instead converting all the excess heat, sound and vibrations to electricity. This is why I need to position my laptop where it can be best charged, namely near the window because the position maximizes the exposure of the energy needed.

I decide to go back to sleep. I need to bring Louise some water to wash her face with and her clothes at eight, and an extra four hours of sleep should be useful. Using my backpack as pillow, I attempt to get back to sleep.

Wait, scratch that. I think it's better for me to prepare her clothes and her water then go to back to sleep. After all, I don't really want her angry at the morning.

I quietly exit the room and walk down the stairs. I should quickly take water from the communal fountain and return to Louise's room.

The trip was uneventful, and now here I am, already back in Louise's room, a bucket of water in hand. I then quickly walked to her wardrobe and took out one of her uniform sets and a pair of panties. Somehow, taking a pair of panties, even without perverted motives, seem morally repugnant. I don't really have a choice, though.

After doing my errands, I go back to sleep.


"Stupid familiar, I told him to wake me up… and yet he is still asleep while his master has already woken up!" I say, annoyed. Saito must be the most troublesome familiar there is… constantly insulting and disobeying me, his master.

I decide to wake him up… but I need to decide how. Obviously, I won't lower myself to shake him and wake him up. I can't use the water in this bucket… considering that I need to use the water to wash my face. However, my calculations as to how I should wake him up prove to be irrelevant, as he quickly wakes up a few minutes after I did.

"Good morning, Louise," he greets me.

"Address me as master, familiar!" I say to him.

"Then address me as Saito, master," he replies. "After all, it just seems fair that we both use terms that we agree on, right?"

"Or alternatively, I can withhold your breakfast," I tell him menacingly.

"Fine…" he replies while sighing.

"Oh, and since you did not wake me up… no breakfast for today," I say, knowing well that I have probably angered him by withholding his breakfast nonetheless.

"You did not order me to wake you up. You ordered me to prepare some water and your clothes at the morning, but you did not order me to wake you up," he politely reminds me.

"Oh, you're right. No breakfast for talking back against your master, then," I answer him while smirking. I don't intend to let him eat breakfast today, mostly as punishment for injuring my pride last night.

"You're a sore loser, aren't you? Just because you lost the bet yesterday…"

"Should I also withhold your lunch?"

Standing up, he rests his chin on his right hand, as if thinking of what to do. Is he trying to figure out how to get back at me?

Suddenly, he looks at me and smiles. Somehow, the smile seems very sincere, yet his eyes radiate a predatory gleam.

"You know what master… I think I would like to invoke the bet today. I'm thinking, maybe parading around the academy while you're on all fours, naked and put on a leash will do. Oh, and I'll be holding the leash while whipping you, of course," he nonchalantly says to me. How could he suggest something so sadistic while smiling so sincerely like that?

"You can't be serious," I say in disbelief.

"I am," he replies.

"You'll pay for this!" I threaten him.

"Louise, are you an idiot? I don't have status or money or any amount of reputation in this world. I don't have anything to lose, so even if you do humiliate me I doubt anyone will care. You, however, do have something to lose, most importantly your pride as a noble. All I need to do is humiliate you once to send your world crashing down. Maybe you would even be disowned by your family?" he explains to me, again nonchalantly. Just what have I gotten myself into?

"How… how dare you!"

"So, here's how it's going to work. As per my familiar duties, I will still dress you up, bring your clothes, do your laundry, attempt to protect you and so forth, provided that you give me proper housing, clothing, food and other basic privileges. Oh, and you're not allowed to attack me in any physical way. Insults are fine, but I prefer wittier ones. Step over the line, master, especially by physically assaulting me, I will invoke the bet, understand?" he explains and warns me.

"Do you think you can control me?" I ask him, my voice wavering.

"No, but I do think I can deter you from picking a fight with me," he answers.

"And what makes you think I will honor the bet under such extreme circumstances?" I ask him back. I need to find a way to get out of this situation.

He pauses and thinks for a while.

"Will you?" he asks me back.

"No. Under such circumstances, I won't," I answer him. Sure, it hurts my pride to break a deal, but a more serious blow to my pride would happen if I don't.

"Is that so? Then I would merely have to find out another way to retaliate," he replies.

I feel indescribable rage filling my mind. How dare this lowly familiar harbor hostile intention to his master! How dare this commoner insolently attempt to take revenge against me, a noble!

I calm myself down.

"No dinner for today too," I say to him coldly. I will not back down.


Damn, the massive retaliation strategy has failed. Apparently, Louise isn't stupid enough to uphold her end of the bargain to such an extent. It is mostly a failure in my part, I was too optimistic of how things will go and too naïve to believe Louise would be so easily deterred. Obviously, Louise can calculate that the pride lost by not upholding her end of the bargain is more than worth the utility of having a servant. I really need to be more realistic next time.

Since my massive retaliation strategy has failed, I believe I have to resort to brinkmanship. If I retaliate with each of her offences with slightly greater force and intentionally escalate the conflict, I might be able to maneuver the conflict to a point of unacceptable losses, and since Louise has more to lose than I do, she should reach such a point before I do.

"What are you waiting for? Dress me," says Louise, interrupting me from my stream of thoughts.

"What?" I reply to her, unsure and surprised of what I had just heard.

"Dress me, familiar," she says firmly.

"What? Are you unable to dress yourself?" I ask.

"Nobles will not dress themselves if a servant is available," she replies, as if that answers everything.

"Oh, so it's a cultural thing. I really thought that you don't know how to wear clothes," I sarcastically comment. If I can set off a chain of insults, I might be able to make her forget about having me dressing her up.

"I knew it! You really are an idiot!" she replies, pretending to be oblivious to my sarcasm. Her witty retort came as a surprise to me… really, I never expected her to be able to reply my insults without the use of physical force.

"Yes master, I am. Everyone knows that my own intelligence pales in comparison with my master's genius. Especially considering her success rate in magic," I reply back sarcastically.

"Glad you now know your place!" Louise retorts back in mock happiness, voice wavering and looking as if she's going to punch me in the face. If I continue, she probably will. I prepare to get out of her way and make her punch the wall instead.

"That's the best you can do, master? Really, I expected something more… intellectual" I reply teasingly. She clenches both of her fists and looks down, probably thinking of the best way to attack me.

Beyond all my expectations, she sighs.

"Just shut up, will you," she says tiredly.

Naturally, such a diffusive solution surprises me. I always thought her only way of solving problems is through either physical force or (relatively) crude insults. There seems to be much more to her than her violent tsunderish demeanor. I'm not betting on it, though.

"Very well then, shall we go?" I ask her politely.

"After you dress me," she answers. "Did you really think I would forget that I need to be dressed?"

"No master," I lied. That was my original plan, but now I simply have to improvise. I am still going to find a way to get out of dressing her. Looking at the clock, I finally know the optimal solution.

"I simply started that conversation to delay our arrival to breakfast. After all, you do have a class soon," I finally say.

"What! Hurry up and dress me, familiar!" she demands. Commence improvised plan A.

"Are you sure that will be optimal? After all, I never dressed anyone before, and so dressing you up might take an unreasonably long time, to the point that you might miss breakfast. It's not like I'm going to intentionally dress you slowly or anything," I reply to her as slowly as possible. I want her to eat every word.

"Muuu… you useless familiar!" she screams at me, while getting up her bed and undressing herself. As an added bonus, she stripped naked in front of me. She might not mind since her pride probably dictates that she feel no shame while undressing in front of a familiar, but I do, and I love it. Too bad I can only see her back and bare buttocks before she quickly puts on her uniform. I might be a genius and evil, but I'm still a teenager, and I still feel my cheeks blushing seeing such a sight.

Saito: 1, Louise: 0.

"Let's go, familiar. If I'm late to class, I will confiscate your food for a week!" Louise shouts.


Well, since I had nothing to do, having breakfast denied by Louise, I asked permission to roam the grounds. Louse, probably quite sick of me constantly insulting her, permitted me to do so. So, here I am, roaming the academy grounds.

And by 'roaming the academy grounds' I meant, 'going to the kitchen to grab some food'. Louise, despite forbidding me to eat, never passed the command to the staff. I, naturally, will exploit this to the fullest extent.

Finally reaching the kitchen, I enter the double doors and greet its staff. Most of the nobles already left for class, so it shouldn't be a problem to get some food.

"Excuse me," I say politely while mildly bowing. I need to make a good impression otherwise… well; I just don't want to be seen as a jerk.

"I'm Miss Valerie's familiar, and I have been instructed to ask for food from the kitchen. Do you have any food to spare?" I say while showing my runes.

"Aaah, so you're that rumored human familiar," someone says. I take it that this person is the head chef.

"Yes I am. Very pleased to meet you mister…"

"Marteau. I'm the head chef,"

"Pleased to meet you," I say while smiling and extending my hand. He extends his own hand and shakes mine.

"Yes, we do have spare food here," says Marteau. "I think we still have some soup. Siesta!" he calls out to someone.

A maid, answering his call rushes to the kitchen. I take it her name is Siesta.

"Siesta, provide some of the leftover soup for this young man,"

"Yes, head chef," answers Siesta. She quickly rushes towards a large pot, and taking a bowl, pours some soup in it. I immediately take a seat at a nearby chair.

"Here you go," Siesta says to me. I smile at her in return.

"Thank you, Siesta. My name is Saito, pleased to meet you," I say to her.

"It's nice to meet you too," she says to me sweetly. I don't know whether or not her smile and sweetness is an affront or sincere.

"Itadakimasu," I say. Even in another world, I still retain Japanese customs.

"What?" says Siesta, confused.

"Nothing, just a custom from where I came from before I was practically kidnapped and bound to servant hood or slavery, depending on how you see it," I answer her.

"Is that so? What does it mean?"

"It literally means 'I humbly receive' although its usage is more like 'bon appétit'," I answer her.

"Wow… what is your homeland like?"

"Well, instead of magic, we have advanced technology…

The conversation took its own form soon enough.


Notes:

- The technologies used in Saito's laptop are actual technologies that are being developed.

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