Chapter 3, Rise of a Warrior
Deep within the 'your mom' desert, Celestia awoke with a start and took hold of her surroundings; she was inside of a large iron cage in the center of what appeared to be a desert market.
Next to her was a female Zebra with a mohawk smoking a blunt.
"Damn dog! I thought you was dead for sure!" the Zebra said as Celestia coughed and heaved.
Shaking her head, Celestia focused her mind, "where am I?"
The Zebra answered, "slave market, this prick is about to sell our asses." she pointed towards a Griffon who was attempting to garner the attention of passing ponies, "come on buddy I give you good deal!" he squaked as the ponies passed by ignoring him.
Celestia rubbed her head as a migrane assulted her, the Zebra passed over the joint, "here take this, it'll take the pain away, trust me it's some good shit."
Celestia grabbed the blunt and took a puff, holding the smoke in for a few seconds before blowing it out, "wow, not bad."
Outside, an azure blue mare with a silver mane walked by with a couple servants behind her as the Griffon gave a welcome, "hey buddy! Here, have a look at my stock! We have good deal today, two for one on the slaves; only today."
The blue Unicorn walked around the cage, she got down and prodded the Zebra's butt causing her to yelp, "hey! Mother fucker, shit! Take me to dinner before you just grabbing ass."
The blue Unicorn continued around the cage and slapped Celestia's arms before pulling up Celestia's sleeve on her ragged shirt to reveal a tattoo that read: GO TROJANS.
"Mark of the Legion of Troy." The Blue Unicorn stated in a haughty tone.
The Griffon nodded, "she's a spaniard."
Celestia did a double take, "no I'm not, I don't even speak spanish." she took another puff of weed before passing the blunt back to the Zebra.
"Trust me buddy," the Griffon spoke, "I once bang mare who said she was lebinese, it was total bull shit, she was a spaniard."
The Blue Unicorn leaned down towards the cage near Celestia, "Hola," she began with slow deliberate words, "como eh yama?"
Celestia held a perplexed expression on her face before turning to the Zebra who looked just as confused.
"Trixie will take them both, two for one right?" the Blue Unicorn asked.
"Heh, heh, not for these."
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A series of slaves now stood infront of the 'go fuck yourself' estate owned by a certain blue pony who addressed her new property upon the sands of her estate
"My name is Trixie, and Trixie bought you so that she could profit from your death. You're gonna live, fight, and die for Trixie; and that's not even the good part! The good part is that Trixie got you two for one so you were really cheap and Trixie is going to make a LOT of money!" she laughed haughtilly.
The Zebra and Celestia sat upon some toppled columns on the far right of the line. The Zebra took a puff of her joint and passed it to Celestia saying, "what an asshole."
Celestia took the blunt an responded, "certainly is."
"Anyway, it's a lose/lose for you." Trixie's speech continued in the background as Celestia and the Zebra spoke. "Anyway, thanks; I forgot to introduce myself, the name's Celestia Futarius."
The Zebra snickered, "right, and I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Julious motherfucking cesar."
"You think I'm lying? No, sister I'm for real!" Celestia pleaded, "check this out." she cot up, turned around, and flashed her bear ass to the Zebra showing a crudely drawn 'Celestia' with a black marker before sitting back down, "I did that myself, I was fucking wasted."
The Zebra blinked, "... if you're really Celestia Futarius then what are you doing here?"
"You know what, I'm not exactly sure. The last thing I remember my troops pushed me off the edge of a cliff so-" Celestia was interrupted, "see? That's that bullshit."
"Oh, no, no, no, it was an accident." Celestia assured.
"That's racism ther alright? Pushing mother fuckers off of cliffs, you trying to haul a sitah back. Come on man." Zebra shook her head before taking another hit of the joint, "anyway, even if you're her, you're not her."
Celestia blinked, "sorry 'her'?"
"Celestia Futarius." the Zebra informed.
"... I don't follow..."
"Ugh, OK check it out, word on the street is..."
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Many many years ago...
Lightning crashed as a priest stood behind a curtain holding a newborn alicorn filly in his arms while ponies cheered from behind the veil.
*Real foal Celestia got dropped off a cliff by accident, the priest found your chubby ass and pawned you off as Celestia so he could cover for himself.*
"Bring out the future foal general!" "Ya we wanna see her!"
More lightning struck causing the priest to jump, the alicorn filly went flying out of his hands and cried as it fell off the edge of the cliff into the waters below.
A servant mare nearby nursing her own alicorn foal gasped as the priest gawked, "shit!" he cried; then he turned to the mare, "can I have this for a second?" he said as he grabbed the swaddled foal.
"No!"
"Yes."
"NO!"
"That's my FOAAAAAAAALLL" the priest shoved the mare off the cliff.
The Priest then walked out from behind the veil to the ponies chhering on the other side, "CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!"
"I present to you, our future general!" the priest held the foal up for the masses to see, "Celestia Futarius!"
"Come on!" one of the ponies yelled, "show us her junk!"
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"Pretty fucking coincidental that another Alicorn filly happened to be right there but, what can ya do?" The Zebra finished.
Celestia stood silent in shock with her mouth hanging open, "you're telling me... when I was a foal... I was dropped off a cliff?!"
The Zebra stared...
"Man, cliffs are ruining my FUCKING life!" Celestia groaned.
"You're not listening are you?" the Zebra squaked, "alright listen, check it out look, everypony knows that all of Celestia Futarius' ancestors were hung like Trojan Horses right? What you packin'?"
"Hey, woah woah, no trust me, I'm packing." Celestia assured, "I mean you know.. it ya... and size grows and... ya..."
The Zebra sighed before standing up and revealing that she too was a futanari, her shlong fell all the way to the ground.
"HOLY SHIT!" Celestia jumped.
Trixie walked over, "hey! Does Trixie have to seperate you two? Woah..." Trixie gawked, "do you mind if Trixie touches is it? Just to make sure it's real?"
Celestia stood up, "I'm Celestia Fuatrius!"
"And Trixie is Alexander the Great." Trixie shook her head as she walked away, "there's always a few in every bunch..."
Celestia stood like a fading plastic bag in the wind as the Zebra patted her shoulder, "so you see dog? You just aint the real Celestia. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you. By the way my name's Zecora."
Celestia stood silent for a few moments, "... I think your dick is on my hoof Zecora."
"Whoop, my bad."
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Celestia stood infront of the open sea.
*That evening, Celestia thought about all the shit that had happened to her in her life. And it was a very dramatic moment for her.*
Zecora walked over, "Yo Celestia what you doin'?"
"Praying to the gods."
"What you prayin' for?"
Celestia sighed, "need their help... I have... to prove myself. Change my life, become a true warrior..."
Zecora scoffed, "ya well I want a blowjob and a ham sandwich but some shit don't work out the way you want, know what I'm sayin'?"
Trixie walked over and addressed them in spansish causing Celestia to sigh, "King Sombra has arranged some Gladiator games during the time of peace in honor of the dead general what's her name; and guess who got the contract? Trixie got the fucking contract! Cause Trixie is the fucking mare! Anywya, it's time to prove yourself, change your life, an dbecome a true warrior."
Celestia and Zecora stared at eachother for a few moments.
"But anyway, that means you're going to Troy to compete." Trixie finished.
Celestia was practically bouncing with joy, "Nice!"
"Ya, well don't get so excited because you gotta go to Gladiator camp first to sharpen your skills so that you don't embarass Trixie's ass infront of thousands of ponies. So pack your shit mares!"
Celestia wooped, "grassias seniorieta!" and ran off.
Zecora shook her head in astonishment, she turned towards the ocean and put her hands together in prayer, "yo gods, can I please get a blowjob and a hamsandwich?"
*Zecora didn't get her blowjob, or her ham sandwich, but she and Celestia did go to the Gladiator camp where for the first time in her life,*
Celestia attempted to do a push up with strained breath before falling flat on her face.
*Celestia would quit fucking around and take her training seriously.*
(Montage time!)
Celestia sparred with another pony in the sandy courtyard of the estate with wooden swords and was dissarmed in a matter of seconds.
Next up, she and Zecora came in last in the three legged race.
Followed thereby the game of chairs all three ponies got a seat with Celestia standing last, "FUCK!"
Upon another try she half sat on one stool with another pony on the other half, "that's a tie! Right? That's a tie!"
A few days later...
"Alright! You're improving!" Zecora cheered as Celestia began holding her own in the sparring courtyard.
Then in the game of chairs she literally yanked the stool out from the last contender before sitting on it herself.
Celestia managed several dozen pushups without pussing out.
Celestia and Zecora just barely came in first in the three legged race while Trixie cheered on, "RUUUUN YOU IDIOTS!"
Ponies now trained with metal blades, clashing swords; Celestia dodged all of her opponant's attacks before catching his wrist, spinning around him, and disarming him taking hold of his sword while tossing him to the ground.
"Good, good!" Trixie clapped, "now you gotta kill him!"
Celestia stared at her...
"FINISH HIM!"
Celestia plunged the blade into the stallion's chest and ripped the blade out.
"Ya!" Trixie cried as the pony fell into the sand bleeding out.
Celestia stared at the blood on a blade and gringed a bit but smiled when she saw the thumbs up from Trixie. Zecora also gave a thumbs up. Even the dead stallion gave a thumbs up.
"Now you're gonna have to burry him, alright we have nopony else to do it, but good for you!" Trixie informed.
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It was finally time for the Gladiatorial fight.
Horns blared as Trixie addressed the crowds, "Fillies and gentlecolts! Welcome to and afternooon of killing and maming!"
Over in the private balcony with a throne stood King Sombra with Minority standing next to him. Sombra stood valiantly before waving both hands feminely.
"Why don't you cut that gay shit out?" Minority quiped.
Outside with the ticket sellers, Trixie's voice could still be heard, "this is sponsered by King Sombra and Trixie Productions!"
"Come on dad! We're gonna miss the decapitation!" Pipsqueak dragged his dad towards the arena.
Back inside, Trixie finished her announcements, "these Gladiators have been trained to die horrible disgusting deaths for your entertainment"
Ponies stood up and cheered.
"I like it when they eat the ponies!" Sombra called out.
"If any body parts fly into the crowd, you can keep them, except the liver!" Trixie finished.
Inside the prep area behind the doors of the arena, Celestia took a few breaths to prepare herself. "Twilight... if you can hear me... I'm either dying today or coming home to you so... keep me in your thoughts..."
Zecora turned around, "did you smoke without me?"
"Not today Zecora," Celestia put her steel helmet on, "I have to stay focused. Oh and they're drug testing so you might wanna watch that."
"Oh shit..." Zecora replied.
Suddenly, urine hit the ground next to Celestia's hoof, she jumped and turned around to face a whimpy looking pony, "hey what the fuck?! What kind of Gladiator are you?"
"I'm an accountant!"
Back outside Trixie announced, "Now this is a little something Trixie likes to call, the annihilation of Tool Chip, the accountant! This guy screwed up Trixie's books, and he is gonna pay!"
Tool Chip meekly waved his sword around as he poked his head out from the corner of the Gladiator backstages; slowly walking in when suddenly two ponies rushed in and impailed him from either side.
They then proceded to hack and slash at his dead corpse.
Minorty covered his eyes, "oh fuck!"
Sombra laughed.
The Gladiators continued to demolish the corpse.
Back outside the ticket seller continued to pitch, "tickets!" he called out to ponies passing by.
Berry Punch and her very young tiny duaghter Ruby Pinch walked up as the ticket seller turned to them, "two tickets up front seats! You can see blood and guts! Everything!"
Ruby Pinch looked up to her mother, "can we mom?"
"We'll take two." Berry answered and paid for the tickets.
"Beer here! Get your beer here!"
"Can I have a beer mom?"
"What are you nuts?! What kind of mother do you think I am?" Berry snapped before leading her daughter into the arena filled with homocidal Gladiators ripping eachother's guts out.
Back inside the Arena...
"Next! We have the chubby spaniard vs. the Changeling Sisters Mendax, Nexus, and Chrysalis of Pompei!"
Celestia rushed forth and countered Mendax's blade before spining around and slashing her diagonally accross the back opening her spine.
Turning around she caught Chrysalis' sword on her own before slicing open the Changeling's belly as the crowd cheered.
Celestia rushed forward and impailed Nexus before ripping the blade out and spining around with her hoof out tripping the Changeling to the ground.
"Damn!" Minority called out, "that niggah got skills!"
"SPANIARD! SPANIARD! SPANIARD! SPANIARD!" the crowd roared.
Celestia produced a mallet from nowhere and smashed it on Mendax's head splattering her brains all over a large poster held by some college ponies in the front row.
"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HOOFBALL?!" Trixie exclaimed, the crows answered in a gleeful cheer.
Gladiators took up hoofball positions with two teams as Celestia's had Chrysalis' decapitated head as she called out, "alpha beta! Alpha beta! Hut hut hut!"
Zecora rushed forward and tackled the enemy quarterback while Celestia was handed the 'ball' she backed up as Zecora killed her way towards the endzone.
Just as Zecora passed by the wave of ponies, Celestia hurled Chrysalis' head through the air.
Zecora leapt into the air and caught the Changeling's head as she fell to the ground, the crowd went wild!
Zecora got up and super Zebra jumped to the stands to hands the head to Rupy Pinch who grabbed it and cheered, "yaaaa!"
Celestia picked up a severed limb and used an equally severed veing laying around to sign her name on the limb before tossing it to the crowd.
Trixie adressed the roaring crowd, "and we have the Spaniard, and she looks like she's gonna be the next super star so get your trading cards now, this kid is going to kill right to the top."
Suddenly, a pony dropped in from the crowd in black plate mail with a flaired Greek helmet, the pony's shield covering its face.
"Blueballs!" Zecora called out.
"It's Blueballs!" one of the crowd members exclaimed as murmers spread throughout the masses.
"Bllueeeeballlls..." Sombra leered from his seat in the private balcony.
Blueballs stood up with his shield still covering his face.
Celestia picked up her sword, "oh don't worry, I got this... I think..."
Blueballs tossed his shield to the side keeping his head low as he charged towards Celestia. Up in the private balcony Sombra smiled, "that's my guy." he said proudly.
Things seemed to slip into slow motion as blueballs leapt forward with various arial stunts and unnecessary flips.
"Fuck her up you big mother fucker!" Minory cheered.
Just as Blueballs landed infront of the Alicorn, Celestia swung her sword and decapitated Blueballs with a single strike.
The Crowd gasped... and went dead silent in disbelief.
"What the fuck?!" Sombra gawked.
Blueblood's body twitched a bit before falling limply to the ground.
Sombra continued to stare, "I thought his asshole was immortal?!"
"Wow..." Celestia blinked, "Gladiator camp's the shit..."
The crowd shakilly sat down... complete and utter dead silence filled the arena...
Celestia turned to face the spectators, "are you not entertained?!" she held her hands out, "are you not entertained?! Is this not why you're here?!"
One of the spectator ponies stood up, "actually I'm here for the tiger mauling at 4."
Another pony stood up, "me too."
Celestia stood in place... "well OK, well then uh... let this be a lesson to you all about the dangers of jumping onto the field of play during sporting events-"
Sombra leaned forward in his seat, "who is this masked pony?"
"-Especially you foals." Celestia finished.
"Tell Trixie I want to meet her."
Down inside the arena, Trixie walked in along with a contingent of guards, Celestia faced them with her sword ready as they surrounded her.
"Drop your weapon, King Sombra wants to meet you." Trixie informed.
Celestia did as she was told.
"Now look, chubby spaniard-" "Just Spaniard actually is fine, I'm not even crazy about that."
"OK well look, you were terrific today, I mean the way you smash a head!" Trixie explained, "I mean, just really nice stuff. And Trixie would like to represent you."
"Well that's a wonderful opportunity could I maybe think about it?" Celestia asked.
"Look, Trixie can give you any kind of grape you want, globe grapes, hood grapes." Trixie listed.
"I like hood graps." Celestia.
"You like a good blowjob?" Trixie.
"I love a good blowjob, who doesn't?" Celestia.
"You ever have one in the back of a chariot?" Trixie.
"You know what, I have not. I'm not quite that adventurous." Celestia chuckled.
"Hey it's a little bumpy but still not bad." Trixie.
"Fighter!" Sombra said as he approached Celestia, "take off your helmet... And anything else if it makes you feel more comfortable."
*Que epic music*
Celestia slowly took her helmet off revealing her identidy.
Sombra's smile faded while members of the crowd gasped, "It's Celestia!" Berry Punch exclaimed.
Celestia turned, "Hey, weren't you a pole dancer in the temple of the Ugly Fuckers a couple chapters ago?"
Berry's eyes shifted left and right, "nnnnnooooo..." "Mama, what's a pole dancer?" Ruby asked innocently.
Shaking her head, Celestia returned her gaze to Sombra, "My name is Celestia Futarius, commander of the world's greatest super power. Married to a hot, pushy, but admitedly sexually enlightened wife; and slayer! To the seemingly invincible Blueballs so ya... I'm kinda the shit."
Sombra narrowed his eyes as he ground his teeth.
"It's not Blueballs!" the coroner called out as he piled bodies onto a wagon.
Everypony's heads turned to face the coroner, "she didn't kill Blueblood." He picked up the decapitated head showing a blond mane and two misaligned golden eyes, "she killed his cousine."
Derpy's head swung a bit before spontaneosly speaking, "you kille me you fucker!"
Ruby Pinch stood up and yelled out, "JACKASS!"
Ponies began booing and throwing objects at Celestia, "YOU KILLED DERPY!" "THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN TARTARUS FOR YOU!" "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE DERPY NOT CUT HER HEAD OFF YOU ASSHOLE!" "BOOOOOOO!"
Celestia faced the crowd as Sombra smiled and waved her hands back and forth, "NONONONONONO! Tha- It was a differ- He cha- and he was flip- and- fuck I'm sorry!"
The soldiers stepped forward with their spears pointed at her, "should we kill her my king?"
Sombra seemed to debate it, "no, I have another idea for Celestial Duche-ias"
"It's Celestia Futarius actually."
"I WAS INSULTING YOU IDIOT!"
The Captain of the soldiers holding his sword out turned his head, "what's the idea?"
"I'll tell you later." Sombra answered.
"You can't just tell us now without having to scene change?"
Sombra deadpaned, he held out his hand and a stagehand from off scren held out a sword which he took and used to impail the captain of the guard who grunted and fell to the ground dead.
"I'll tell you later."
Commence scene change!
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Celestia lay on a long wooden table with her hands tied above her head and her hooves tide to the other end while Sombra stood nearby within the arena.
"ARE YOU READY TO SEE SOME SUFFERING?!"
The crowd responded with cheers and two ponies began twisting a wheel cog which tightened the ropes around Celestia's limbs stretcching far beyond the comfort zone.
Sombra leaned over Celestia, "cry mercy, and it will all end."
Celestia struggled as her limbs were pulled to their limits and grunted out through a strained voice, "b-blow me!"
Sombra scowled, "you know I would, but this is the part where bad stuff happens to you."
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Blueballs sat within his tent with his black plate mail suite sitting nerby attendding to his golden mane when two of his soldiers walked in.
"What?" he demanded.
The two stallions fidgeted, "ah... sir... we have some news from the arena..." he gulped.
"I told you, I don't want to be disturbed until Sombra had grown to have Blueballs back." Blueballs tated before turning to face the soldiers, "and as far as I now there hasn't been any growing."
The other pony gulped, "well it's your cousine sir she... went dressed up as you to the Gladiator games and... sh-...sh-..." the stallion began sweating bullets.
Blueballs smacked him upside the head, "spit it out!"
"We were really tanked! And... Derpy, she jumps into the Gladiator pit on-on a dare and..." The other stallion continued for him, "this Gladiator w-who actually turned out to be Celestia th- you that general-" "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COUSINE?!" Blueballs shouted.
The first stallion gulped, "Celestia... m-mistaked her for you and s... uh... c-cut her head off."
"AAAAARRRGHHH!" Blueballs roared and jumped in a circle slapping both ponies as he did so, "AAARRRGGHH! How could anypony confuse me for my cousine! I'm five inches taller than she is! I've got better bone structure! I got 60% less body fat and our muscle densities aren't even close! We've got different coat collors and she's a Pegasus and I'm a Unicorn!" He panted, "Confuse Derpy for me? Celestia... you're a dead futa..." he growled.
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"What do you want to see next?!" Sombra called out to the crowd.
"FAT MARES!"
"FAT MARES FAT MARES FAT MARES!" the crowd roared in unison.
Two very big and very fat jiggly mares walked out, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
Minority hopped up and down, "now those are some big ass bitches!"
Celestia gawked as the mares grabbed some nearby goat fat and smeared it accross their bodies and slapping their asses as the crowd went wild.
Celestia shook her head frantically as Silver Spoon climbed ontop of her and smothered her iwth her now greesy tits, the huge breasts slapping Celestia's face left and right like thunder with wet sloppy thwacks.
Another pony stood up from the crowd, "SIT ON HER FACE!"
"SIT ON HER FACE SIT ON HER FACE SIT ON HER FACE!"
Celestia's eyes went wide as Diamond Tiara climbed up with her huge fat jiggly ass slowly descending like a giant blubber obelisk of doom.
"SOMBRA YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!"
The giant tush loomed ever closer, "PLEASE! JUST KILL ME!"
Celestia screemed and thrashed about as the epic music of a dying hero played from nowhere.
Just as the giant rump roast landed on her face she cried out one last word, "FFFFRRREEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEE-urglglglglggg ghhhhhhh..."
Then suddenly!
Blueballs jumps down from the stands in his black plate mail.
King Sombra turned around to hear him say, "this mother fucker's mine."
"Oh no you don't you little glory hog!" Sombra replied, "you!" he pointed towards his guards, "take him!"
Several soldiers ran towards Blueballs who cut them down like wheat.
In the midst of the chaos, Celestia struggled relentlessly, she could feel her limbs slowly losening themselves from her bonds.
Celestia finally got herself free and shoved the big ass bitches off her before rolling to the ground and crawling away towards the exit.
Blueballs continued to provide a distraction as Celestia got to her hooves and sprinted out of the arena and into the open 'sushiwanazo akiato teryoki hondocani no honoda civica bushi rohdanadananananananananana' desert.
END OF CHAPTER!
