To Ni9h7ki773N: thank you for the review, and I know Spike's OOC. Besides my inability to keep people in character, there is a valid reason. I have leukemia, and it was supposedly terminal, even though I'm alright now. So I'm using the reactions of the people who were around me. It's not an excuse, just my writing style.

To phobia: ok, in your review you said that "I see you've fixed what I pointed out, so perhaps you did pay attention to the review." Don't flatter yourself; I wrote this story beforehand, it's complete. I haven't changed anything but the format, which I was alerted to by Silent Venus. Any of the other reviews you give will be deleted, don't waste you time.   

To everybody: thanks for reading this, umm…I hope you're enjoying it. But please, don't pick apart my writing. I'm not perfect, never will be, so don't expect it. But I tried to include some in character stuff. But most of it's not (see above) sorry. This is my life, chosen how it could have been if I was terminally ill. This is the important thing though: if you don't like it, don't read it!  Don't waste your or my time. Clear enough? Hope so!                                    Sweet Misery

By: Rynn Abhorsen

*********************3 weeks later, 3 weeks left, maximum***************************

Faye lay flat against the couch, only her eyes moved. It had taken two weeks for her to finally admit that she wasn't healthy; she had spent too much time arguing with Spike.

**Flashback**

Faye leaned heavily against the bathroom wall, out of breath from a short walk. Spike lounged in the doorframe, cigarette hanging from his lips, a maddening smirk on his face.

"You know it took you fifteen minutes to get here, right?" Faye shot him a venomous glare, picking up a tube of toothpaste she announced, "Spike, shut up or I'll kick your ass."

He kept that annoying smile on his face and retorted, "You're in no condition to kick my ass." Faye yelled, "shut up!!" and flung the toothpaste in his direction. It bounced harmlessly off of his green hair, with Spike still smiling. Faye muttered under her breath, lunkhead, as Spike walked out. 

**End**

It had been one week, and it had taken numerous falls and coughing fits for Faye to admit to needing help. Spike mostly volunteered, Faye thought it was to see her asking for something.  Quietly she asked Spike, who was reading a magazine, expecting the same answer, "Spike, what's wrong with me?"

The lanky bounty hunter turned, with the same look in his eyes, pain. Faye hated to see it; it made her feel like crying, which she did often now. Spike answered, "I don't know."

Inside he hated himself for lying, for not telling her. He knew she was failing; she wouldn't live two more weeks. You could see it in her eyes, the way they were pale and ghost-like. But he couldn't tell her, he couldn't. A sob sounded, and he looked over at Faye. She cried often now, short sobs, without words, but this time it was different. She was looking at him, and her eyes begged. He walked over and moved her onto his lap, to help decompress her lungs, with her back in the crook of his arm. Her pale face looked into his, and she bit her lip. A trickle of blood slipped from her mouth.

She couldn't speak; the doctors had explained it to him. When she cried, her lungs would compress, making it hard to draw breaths. She cried in choked sobs, like bursts of wind. It broke his heart to see her in pain, and he knew it was all she had to look forward to. She spoke, in gasping wheezes, "Oh Spike it hurts, oh it hurts so badly. I'm tired Spike, I just want to sleep, and slip away into the light."

He put a finger tenderly to her lips, as if she were a china doll, "Shh…keep your strength Faye."

She shook her head, tears slipped from her eyes, landing on his face. She continued, "Spike, it's the cancer isn't it?"

His eyes widened and he almost tightened his grip around her, but was wary of the fragility of her body. "I know it is, I know it's the cancer. When I was at the school, a teenager, I found out I had cancer. Leukemia. I don't know why I remember it, but we- we went into space, so I could see it before, before-" Spike stared as she began to cry again. Tears fell from his eyes, mingling with her own.

"Spike I'm dying, don't hide it, I only wish, I wish-" she stopped and buried her head in his chest, tears soaking him through the thin fabric of his shirt. 

Ed was about to speak, crouched in her place on the stairs, but Jet caught her. He placed a hand over her mouth and whispered, "Ed, leave them, Spike and Faye have to figure some things out."

He thought to himself, I wonder how I can act so calm. I want to cry along with them, but I can't. Spike has to be strong for Faye, but he needs to tell her that he loves her, before it's too late. Ed, she's so perfectly oblivious, oh god, how will I be able to explain it to her? This is tearing us apart from the inside out, I want to stop time, I want to freeze it for just a moment. Please god, if you're up there, these people are my family, I need all of them.

Spike stayed cradling Faye, watching her face as the tears slowly dried. He thought to himself, I want to memorize everything about her, her laugh, her smile. It's so stupid; you don't notice what you have until you know you're going to lose it. I never took her picture, never saw her when she was truly alive, when she was happy, and her smile lit up her face. The mask is crumbling Faye, but it's coming too late. I'll tell you, I will. But I wonder, who were you really, when we first met? What did you do when you lost your cool, how could you stay so calm? Were you ever afraid that the cancer would come back?

I love you Faye Valentine, too little too late. I love how perfectly you fit in my arms. I love your smell, cigarettes and cinnamon. I love the way your eyes used to spark, how you used to stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking. I love how you can be so worldly, and yet so innocent. I love how inside you still have a little bit of that child on the tape. I love how your hair falls in your face. I love how you'd argue with me and how you'd crash your ship into things. But most of all, I love you for being predictable, for being my Faye.

I wish this leukemia were a person, so I could kill him slowly; kill him for taking you away, taking away my Faye. A blow for every tear you cried. I hate this cancer, I hate it more than anything I ever saw or felt. I hate how I'm too cowardly to tell you how I feel when I know I'm losing you. Please Faye, just hold on for a little while, until I tell you. Please God, if you exist or care, please take care of her, I need her. 

******************2 weeks later (5 weeks since diagnosis)*****************************

Spike sat with Jet, slowly sipping coffee. Jet spoke, "Spike, I know this sounds cruel, but, do you think the pain is worth it?"

Spike stayed staring into his coffee cup, "I just need one more day, and then I'll tell her."

Jet looked him in the eye, "One more day, then another. What happens when she won't be able to hear you anymore, she won't be able to hold your hand. My god man, what will you do when she's dead?"

Spike stood up, still holding his ceramic mug. The veins on his hand popped out as he squeezed the mug, until it shattered in his hand. A weak call came from the living room, "Are you guys ok?"

Jet stared at Spike, his dark eyes soft, "Please, I just want you to tell her before its too late."

Spike murmured, "I will." And disappeared into the living room.

Faye couldn't even move anymore, Spike set her on his lap, like always, hoping to reduce the pressure of the coughs, holding her thin hands, which were given to spasms. She coughed weakly, and whispered to him, "Spike, I don't have one more week, I know it. Spike, I want to go to the blue planet again, I want to go to earth. Please, take me there; please-"

She trailed off as her eyes filled with tears. Spike nodded and whispered back, "I will, we're going now."

Faye nodded as he stood up, still cradling her gently to his body. He walked past the kitchen, Jet didn't see, past Ed, sleeping in front of the computer. Only Ein woke up, following them out into the hangar.  Spike carried Faye over to her ship, but she shook her head, "No Spike, not enough time, we won't get there in time. Have you seen it Spike?"

As he walked over to the swordfish he murmured, "Seen what?"

She coughed, over and over again, and wiped her mouth, "Have you seen the oceans, or the beaches with warm sand? Have you seen it rain when the sun's still shining? Have you seen the sky when it's so blue not even the sea compares? Have you seen them Spike?"

He opened the cockpit and climbed in, holding her, as if she might break. He answered truthfully, "I had seen them once, when a little girl showed us her world, and she showed us what she loved so we could too."

Spike looked down at Faye as the swordfish took off, and her eyes filled with tears. She whispered as her weak, pale hand wiped them away, "I'll never see them again. Love them for me Spike, and whenever it snows, think of me, it's me watching. That little girl she knew what was important, savoring things while they last, just like happiness."

The stars streaked past the window, and Faye watched them as her head lolled on his shoulder. As she stared into the infinite void known as space, all she felt was the warmth of Spike.

TBC?