Hello again! I was able to weasel my dad into letting me on prematurely! Everything is great in the world (except my math teacher Bill, but that's a different story, one that I'm sure BooksandBubblegum shall be willing to share with you. Now, here's the first dimension hop in this crazy crossoverfest! But first, a few messages from our sponsors:
To BooksandBubblegum: thanky for the first review ever on this thing! (I think)
To Kyer: your review is appreciated
To akalae: your perspective is appreciated, and your pen name reminds me of the word accolade.
To Zamrok: your work inspired me.
And now for the font key:
Flashback: Hello again
Spirit/Demon/God speaking: Good day yet again
Regular person: Hi person-from-before
Immediate effects/actions/Repeated Greeting\
Jutsu/Power (again, not in Japanese always) : Redundant Greetings no Jutsu
Theory or Lie with holes in it (very confusing to readers): H e l l o a g a i n
AND BEFORE I FORGET AND IT GETS ME KILLED: I! DO! NOT! OWN! NARUTO!
--------------------------------------------Continuation------------------------------------------------
Konohagekure
Naruto's Apartment
I AM HARLEQUIN!
Meet me at the center of the Forest of Death, and you will know reprieve.
"Tsunade, are you okay?"
I'm alright. Just was in shock for a moment. Who was that character? Not even the most drunken man has done that to me, not even at Spring Festival! Yet here comes this lunatic who does so without a second glance. Or a goodbye!"
"The goodbye is actually pinned to your shirt. With a smiley face."
Tsunade pulls off the pin and reads the card. She turns red again-- even deeper than before. She sighs and puts it in her pocket. The smiley face button, that is.
"You'd better do what he says. He makes out to be a rather convincing, if suicidal, person"
"And you said you were going to throw him out the window. He did that without your help."
"Speaking of which; after that idiot jumped out your window, it seems like you need rep-
-airs."
"What is it?"
"He fixed the window. Strangely."
Naruto turns and observes what had happened behind him. In place of the hole was a wooden border framing the exact shape of the gap.
"Well, at least he fixes what he breaks. That's one reason to follow him. And there are a hundred to not -- I'll meet him there; the least I can do is humor him."
"You do that. I'll watch."
"If you bring along company, make sure it's not too large; The Forest's creatures are always up to a feast. And make sure to keep your charka outlet low. Ever since those Graveyard Moths moved in, it's becoming a pain in the ass to just breathe in that forest without nine of the buggers swarming you."
Tsunade leaves, accidentally dropping the card she was given. Naruto sighs, closes the door, walks to his bed, lies down, shuts his eyes, and falls fast asleep.
Naruto wakes up, feeling rejuvenated. He gets out of bed and lethargically makes his way to the bathroom. Of course, during the night, the remainder of Harlequin's strange green fog warped reality within the apartment.
For one thing, it is bigger. A lot bigger.
In fact, the medium size domicile tripled, no, QUADRUPLED in size! There is even a staircase in several parts, leading to who knows where. The lighting has a strange tone to it, like that of a haunted house, which gives an aura of mystique to the expansive room.
Room… That didn't qualify for this place anymore. Now it looks like a sprawling first floor of a mansion.
As noted, the lights play a key role in making the place look gorgeous. Not that it needed help. The fog's handiwork is to be admired, truly.
The evergreen and maroon marble floor has an ethereal glow to it, giving the illusion that there is something moving under it and flowing with it. Strangely, the floor had no cold feeling like regular stone should, but the pleasant warmth that pervaded the area.
The walls are decked with beautiful murals of varied styles, none of them in the least contemporary. Like the floor, they have a shine that greets the eyes with moving subjects and perspectives. Where the walls meet the floor and the ceiling there is a mahogany border. The carvings along it are complex and beautiful, with a look of softness to its entirety.
The ceiling, oh, the ceiling -- it is a masterpiece that would make any artist's legs weak with jealousy. High and domed, it has a complicated series of rafters and buttresses, all in an algebraic and archaic ingenuity that sent off an air of antiquity and power. Additionally, these supports are made of a strange, stone-like material that seems to flow like water, even though they're standing still. The ceiling itself is not painted or carved upon, but there are mirrors and glasses placed at various points, each with light shining into or out of them. The center, there hangs a small and solitary crystal, that seems to change colors, but at glacial rate, it seems. At the moment, it's red. With little purple spots.
The windows are simple and elegant, which is a first in this giant monstrosity. They have a special ability, though. The glass on the windows let in light in a measured amount, to make sure that one isn't blind or blinded in this place. Naruto is very sleepy, and is making his way to the bathroom, so there is a good amount.
Now to the descriptions of the furnishings. One word: expressive.
With multiple rooms come multiple tables, chairs, and appliances. All are made of one or more of the following things: metal, stone, marble, wood. They are of multiple styles, shapes, and sizes, making them very accommodating. However, there isn't a clock to be seen.
Naruto makes his way to the bathroom, slowly noting the various changes. At first, how this happened didn't register. Then he remembers the previous night's escapades. Now he is a little more appreciative of meeting the former stranger.
Harlequin… what kind of person has a name like that? The sound and spelling of the man's name is so alien to Naruto. The language that it comes from is unique and eloquent, yet seems kind of at home in his mouth, which is odd, like everything else that came from the character. The language on the card-message is in the same dialect, but it was deciphered by him on the spot. How did this happen?
Naruto washes up and does his other ablutions. The various hair and skin care products are the same as before, which is a major shocker. The toothpaste is also untouched. Nothing is added, either. This is weird. However, like the rest of the house, the furnishings are warped. The bath tub and shower are not really perverted from their former shapes, but the toilet looks absolutely strange. The bowl looks like a woman's head, and the seat is shaped like cupped hands. Again the strange humor of Harlequin abruptly makes itself known. Naruto takes note to remind himself to ask that Harley change it back.
Naruto puts his dirty clothes in the newly formed hamper and goes to his wardrobe. It is shaped like Hell's Mouth from various illustrations, and cautious shinobi pokes it a few times to ensure that does not bite, scream, or talk. Then he opens it and a pair of boxers hits his face. Then out fly a shirt, a pair of pants, a sock pair, a trench coat, and a rapidly approaching pair of boots. Naruto rolls out of the way to avoid the steel-tipped menace, and starts dressing. Somehow, the "flying" clothes are exactly what he wanted.
The short sleeve shirt is made of special man-made fibers created to reduce the amount of excess heat stored on the torso. It looks like a simple black shirt, but inside, there is a lining of titanium chain mail, designed to stop most bullets, knives, and other pointy things from piercing it.
The slightly baggy jeans are dark blue made of cotton, with steel lining the cuffs. In place of the regular military alloys, the inner lining of the pants is made of chain mail of a mysterious ore from a fiery meteorite. Helping Sand Village comes in handy sometimes.
The socks are red and made of wool. Nothing else.
The boots are blackish-green and made of full grain bull leather. There are riveted steel tips, like on the rest of Naruto's informal footwear. The lining is shearling on the outside and layered titanium micro-scale mail on the inside.
The boxers are not going to be described. There is still sanctity in this M-rated story, even if it's the little details only.
The trench coat is beige and made of cotton. The lining is refined Kevlar, to avoid putting too much weight on Naruto.
When Naruto is fully dressed, he makes his way to the front door. Then he notices the only clock in the entire apartment. It's small and cutely so. It's on a chain hanging from the center of the domed ceiling, and it's at eye level. Made of brass and with no adornments, it displays the time: 10:49.
Off like a shot, Naruto bolts out the front door, eager to get to Area 44 quickly. Then he is greeted with the sight of his obnoxious landlady. He swerves around, but not before hurling his monthly payment into her hands. Unfortunately, he collides with the person making her way up the stairs.
He gets up with a groan, and looks to who he hit. His view is filled with the sight of a faux leather-clad ass. Nice one, too, but it's the wrong situation for sightseeing. Naruto lets forth another groan when he realizes the owner of the ass.
Miterazaki Tomoko. Easily the most vapid girl in Konoha and the president of the Naruto Fan Club. She is also easily the curviest chuunin in Leaf Village and the third most invasive. And the least desirable person he needed to knock into on this most auspicious day.
This girl's favorite form of greeting Naruto is tackling him and grinding her pelvis into his. Notwithstanding, she is going to really delay things for Naruto if he doesn't escape quickly.
/Gets up\"What happened?"
Naruto is clinging on to the ceiling for dear life. Tomoko looks around, sighs, and starts back up the stairs. Naruto slowly gets down, then slips and falls straight on his butt. The resounding clank echoes through the halls.
"Note to self: ask Jiraiya to teach me the rest of the wall crawling technique. /Gets up\ Additional note: learn how to land softly"
Unfortunately, he should have learned earlier. Ms. Miterazaki had only gone up a few steps on the stairs, and she turns around at the noise and proceeds in greeting Naruto. Naruto makes a few handsigns before collision. By a stroke of luck, he pulls off a Substitution Jutsu and runs like a bat out of Hell to get to Area 44. And Tomoko gives chase.
As he hits the street, he starts to shunshin and makes his way through back alleys and doorways, all the while bobbing and weaving and asking himself questions.
"Why did I have to put off scaling techniques?!"
"How do I get so clumsy?"
Why did I get impatient?!"
"Why do I have to have a fan club?!"
"Why do I have to run into the president of the fan club?!"
"Why didn't I get restraining order?"
"And WHY IN HELL DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE NARUTO FAN CLUB HAVE TO BE THE TOP CHUUNIN TRACKER?!?!!!"
Naruto bolts out of the city, with Tomoko in hot pursuit. He heads to the training grounds and starts hopping from tree to tree towards Area 44. When he finds the gates to the place, he vaults over the gate, taking little heed of the jounin guarding it.
Zooming over the treetops, he looks back to see if he is still being pursued. Miterazaki is less easily making her way, amazingly. She then misses a branch and falls through.
"Shit. Why me? Why now, of all times."
'It's your life. Go with it already.'
'Thanks for finally speaking up. Why the delay?'
'You needed to act fast, and I didn't want to slow you down with trivial commentary. Now catch the poor wench before she hits something.'
Naruto shunshins down the tree trunk and to the ground under Tomoko's rapidly dropping body. With a gentleness that belies him, Naruto catches Ms Miterazaki lightly.
"My hero!"
"Oh, God, don't start. I'm just as appreciative of a thank you."
"Oh, I'll give you more than that. For saving me, I'm honor bound to repay you."
Her lips latch on to Naruto's mouth and her tongue jams between his lips and slips in between his teeth and proceeds in delivering a positively electrifying kiss, coupled with pelvis grinding.
Naruto, nearly caught up in the moment, gently shoves Tomoko away, and attempts to regain his composure.
"Please, I'm saving myself for marriage. Don't go doing that or you'll kill your chances. Getting laid is not exactly on my agenda at the moment. I'm a little pressed for time, and fucking isn't exactly gonna fit in that tight schedule. Please don't tag along, it's going to be really dangerous up ahead."
"Oh, alright. However, I'm still going with you. Nothing you say will keep me away."
"Okay, try this: I hate you, you supremely slutty shit-fuck."
"Not even that."
"Crap."
/Giggles\
"Just don't do something you'll regret. Like mounting me."
Naruto begrudgingly makes his may to the center, and to the roof. There, Tsunade is standing, with Harlequin sitting near what seems to be a jagged line in the air. Harlequin gets up to greet the new arrivals
"Greetings! One and the other! Welcome to the grand ceremony of Gate Opening! It shall commence shortly. Any questions?"
"Cut the crap, Harlequin. Why did you stalk me last night? Why are you offering me this?"
"You, you, you. It's not all about you. It could be about me. To answer your questions, I /Air Quotes\'bug you' because you are the one individual with an outstandingly unique fate. One that fits my own fate and agenda quite well. I stalked you so I could work out a way to approach you. See, I'm polite, even when shadowing and jumping through windows. I always give something for every taking. So I tricked out your apartment with my Dragon Breath and offered this invitation in equal exchange for annoying the living shit out of you and spooking authorities, not to mention making Ms. Haroyuki faint after dazzling her with a nice little peck on the lips. Taxation by vexation is paid in return by allocation and invitation. You'll know my means in time."
"Alright. I'm fine with this. Now what is it you're endevouring to show me?"
"An opening portal needs all entrants within seventeen yards horizontal of it at noontide or midnight. I did not want to task your circadian rhythms, so I chose noon. My invitation is to go to a far away place, away from all terrestrial cares. To a new world, essentially. A vacation, if you will, but with more adventure and excitement. Who wants to just sit around, doing nothing besides eating, drinking, sleeping, shitting, schmoozing, fucking? Not me and certainly not you three."
"Alright, but where is the portal, and where does it go?"
"Yeah, where does this go? Naru-kun's not gonna be torn to bits by some weird thing, is he?"
"If you two lovebirds are done, let Harlequin speak. This is interesting."
"Fine, fine. It's basically a simple doorway to another world. It's just closed, and it can only be observed in closed form when Psionic Doyen is near it. I just so happen to be one such being. The closest fellow to a Psi Do in this particular dimension is a fox demon, or hanyou, as you call it, and a desert spirit. Both reside in solitary Harmonium Confidens, or Sanctuary Seals as one knows it as here. At least, these are the true names of the buggering devices. I just call them gerbil cages myself, 'cause that's how they look in the host psyches. Anywho, the closed door is the line lookin' thing floating near my shoulder at the moment. That is not a line, but the edge of something really nasty known as a Residual Orctific Calcifying Fell Athenite Ripping Tine, or as I like to call it, a roc fart, 'cause that's the acronym and it's a pretty funny code word for it. Tsunade, since you're well educated, you tell them what it does."
"It basically is a dimensional door trap that is temporary but it is very nasty. It is resistant to all dimensional lock picks, even the athen ones which are usually unbreakable. The effect of this thing is quickly made known by any idiot who tampers with or tries to enter the door without precaution."
"So what does it do?"
"It turns you into a pillar of salt. Slowly."
"Eew. Sounds ugly."
"You bet your ass it is. Now stand back as I disarm this thing and kick it open."
Naruto and assorted company back away towards the edge of the tower roof as Harlequin commences with fiddling with the trap. Resounding cracks are heard from the trap. They duck as the trap explodes in a ring of grey energy. They look up to see a rigid white figure standing next to a blue crack of light.
Fearing the worst, Naruto rushes towards Harlequin's prone form. Tomoko follows quickly, so as to keep Naruto from getting hurt. Tsunade proceeds cautiously to keep the two teenagers from doing something stupid.
"Harlequin! Harlequin! Are you alright?!"
"Oh, God, he's dead! He's a salt pillar! Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"
"Will you two idiots shut up?! You didn't expect this to happen?!? He's a fucking jackass who goes off half cocked into any situation! And he was too careless about taking care of himself, and… not enough about himself. Just like my little brother. /Sob\ and my dead boyfriend. /Whimpers\ /Heavy Sobbing\ Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why'd you have to die like that?! I only just met you! And you were so nice for such a pervert!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"
"Will you idjits shut up? I'm fine, if a little caked with salt. /Spits out lumps of salt\ it tastes nasty and it's so thick I can't move anything save my jaw, thankfully. /Cough\"
Naruto, Tomoko, and Tsunade's eyes bug out. Then Tsunade gets really red and yells at the rigid man.
"YOU JACKASS! I k n e w y o u w e r e a l i v e ! I k n e w t h a t y o u c o u l d n ' t b e d e a d , s o I S A I D T H A T S O Y O U ' D S T O P S C A R I N G T H E S E K I D S !!! You FUCKER! YOU ASSHOLE!!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhht. Now how about you use /Prissy Girly Voice\ those strong hands to get this crap off meh /Normal Voice\ so I can rip open the door."
"/Furious Muttering\"
They set about freeing the salty Harlequin, which is pretty hard. Imagine sand grains held together with smelted iron, and try using a plastic tweezer to pluck out the individual pieces. That's how difficult it is to de-salt someone in a predicament like our friend's.
Naruto uses his Rensengan to weaken the compacted salt, while Tsunade uses her powerful arms to pull of the loose chunks, which are handed to Tomoko to put in a neat pile out of the way. This process takes about and seven hours and thirty minutes, making the time about 6:33 PM when they finish, which is afternoon, now.
The door doesn't fade for some reason. If anything, it gets brighter as the hours pass and as each of the pieces are chipped off.
When Harlequin is fully free, he shakes off what's left. Relieved, Naruto and company decide to strike up a conversation.
"So Harlequin, what happened? I thought you were an expert, the way you talked about the trap and the door."
"Well, I am an expert; it's just that the trap goes off no matter what, in varying degrees, of course. I needed all you blokes free so you could get me out, so I had you go back a safe distance while I muted it, then tripped it. The trap is very efficient, so even if you survive, you die because no one can help you because they're salty too. The stuff that I got hit with is very deadly that way. Plus, if you survive, you still have to deal the stuff still stuck to you, which, because of the design of the spell. For instance, the color tells what it does. The shade and solidity of the black told me that it was a roc fart and that it fills all the space around the beings. That said it /Kicks, sending a piece of solid salt hurtling into the atmosphere, while adding emphasis to the next word out of his mouth\ GETS in places/Drop kicks the ground\ and is highly/Chinese splits\/Crack\ /Says weakly\ painful. Ow. Ow. OW/Dips hand into pants and pulls out hand\ Tsunade, can I spare you for a minute? I need you to help me with something."
"Fine. What is it?"
"Can we go somewhere quiet, first? This piece's a doozy, and it's not friendly."
"Alright. Let's go."
Harlequin leads Tsunade downstairs, to the shower rooms.
"/Stops\ Here should be fine."
"So what is it?"
"You gotta pull this piece out of a very special area. Do you have anything I can bite down on?"
"No, sorry. Scream all you like."
"Let me pull myself together first."
"No can do. The longer that piece sits in there, there longer it will burn."
"Aw, shit."
"Baby"
"Sadist."
When Tsunade pulls the piece out of the 'very special area', Harlequin's scream is heard clearly back in Konohagekure, while in the Forest of Death, every living creature in it soils themselves at the same time. And at the Area 44's gate, Miterashi Anko flinches for the first time in five years.
When they come back up, Harlequin is limping and cradling his crotch while Tsunade is dazed and has trouble walking in a straight line. Naruto takes his fingers out of his ears, although he looks a little woozy. Tomoko has fainted.
"Gad that was painful. And I've been tortured with acupuncture needles and extended obese lap dancing."
"Eh, wah/Lazily mush mouths\ Can't hear yoo at tha momen'. Kinda deff, doncha no. I'll manage afta I get sum resht. 'Night, all."
Tsunade kneels and lies down and quickly falls asleep. Harlequin can't lie down because of obvious problems. Naruto laughs weakly at their folly.
"So how are we going to get through that door now?"
"We wait till noon tomorrow. That way, we'll be well rested."
"How 'bout we get this over with at midnight so we don't have to repeat this bullshit. What if there is another trap? C'mon let's get through the portal, so we get this shit done and over with. I wanna start this adventure. I've been blinkered by my annoying superiors which have no significant point and vexed and bothered these irritating fangirls and fanboys who chase me every day."
"The only exception would be Tomoko here, who is actually quite innocent despite her salacious outlook, and has been the president of the Fan Club long before the rumor of the shadow clone gang fuck incident. She's the only female peer I'd like to be around when I do this. The other girls are either too temperamental, too flakey, or too shy. I need a strong individual who's not a total bitch in personal matters or a complete failure on the battlefield. This /pause\ girl is the only one who does anything besides complain or shrivel up!"
"/Weaselly voice\ You like her. How cute. When's the marriage? I can't wait to see the babies."
"What?!?! I t ' s n o t l i k e t h a t ! I s w e a r! S h e ' s n o t l i k e t h a t t o m e ! She's stupid! She tackles me! I d o n ' t l i k e h e r t h a t w a y !"
"Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrreeeee ya don't. I'll be sure to use that as an alibi next time someone accuses me of that."
/Lies down, wincing\ /Grins wickedly\
"Oh, be quiet. I'll keep watch."
"/In a hushed, singsong voice\ Naruto and Tomoko, sittin' in a tree. Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Enn-Gee. Furst cumms luv. Then cumms marrege. Then comes baybee in the baybee carrege"
"Shaddap, you!"
/Evil Laugh\
Naruto steadfastly keeps watch his compatriots doze, keeping his eye on the small blue floating fissure. Unknown to him, he is being watched. But, the question is, by whom?
----------------------------------------------To Be Continued—NOT!-------------------------------
A/N: I'm pulling all out for this one! This cliffhanger is not the signal for the cut-off! There shall be MORE! NOW! YAY ME!
Training Grounds
Area 44
Forest of Death
Center Tower
Roof
Naruto shakes himself out of a doze. He MUST keep watch! However, there must be a way to keep completely alert, for he can't do this after being awake for over twelve hours just by willing himself to. What can he do? Hmm….
I Spy? No, that's boring, and he's not three. Exercise? He already did that with chipping the salt off of Harlequin. Masturbation? Too messy, someone might wake up, and he jus doesn't do that. How about tickling someone in their sleep? No, his pranking days are over… Dancing? He sucks monkey balls when it comes to dancing. How about daydreaming? He's keeping watch; he can't space out or he'll be off guard.
'Will you make up your mind? I'm trying to sleep, too. All these silly images from your imagination are rattling my cage a lot. Calm down and think a little less erratically. My nerves don't need to be jarred with your annoying thought processes. Why don't you stare at Tsunade's breasts? That raises your pulse quite a bit.'
'I'll do that.'
Naruto gazes intently at Tsunade's rack. He nearly jumps as her breath quickens a little, and settles down as it slows.
Tits. Boobs. Tits… Boobs… Watermelons. Fun Bags. Boobies. Sweater meat. Milk lumps, headlights, knockers, bOObs. Tittiesfuckboobiebagslutbangfuckdamnslutsuckfucktittyfuckanalbangslutfuckdamnfingerpussyfuckbangclitfucktitsgropeslutfuck.
'Oh, GOD! That's even worse!!! Alright, calm down, and please tear your eyes away from Tsunade! Come on, she's more than three times your age, boy!'
'Oh, Alright. It did help though. I feel much peppier.'
'Glad you do. Unfortunately, I do too. I can't exactly lay down on a hard-on. How are you managing in that department?'
'Likewise. Any other tips on staying awake?'
'Yeah, don't do that again. Instead, why don't you look over how Tomoko's dressed? You always do that when you meet someone.'
'Good idea'
Naruto looks to Ms. Miterazaki's prone form. It is quite attractive for an eighteen year old girl. The ensemble has been chosen to accentuate the various curves and bends of the young lady's body.
The shirt is a nice dark blue velvet low-rise button-up top, doing well to show off the rather substantial bust. It is shortened at the bottom to reveal a tantalizing belly button ring. The ring has various little dangling bits, with a green jewel as the centerpiece.
The aforementioned skirt is faux leather, stretched tight over wide hips and a shapely butt. It is weakly held by laces on either side. The wide hemp belt positioned around it is placed to set off Tomoko's butt when she walks in a particular way.
Her shoes are black high heels with leather straps racing up her calves. How she could ever chase him in those is beyond Naruto, but that explains why Tomoko fell when she was running on the treetops.
Her face, a truly beautiful work of art, is made radiant by the lightly tan skin, set off by her fiery wavy red hair, which is let down to wind its way down her back past her butt.
If put in a pony tail, that hair would bring the boys running. That's why Ino has to beat the perverts off with a stick.
Naruto blushes as he remembers when he was nine and his modified Sexy no Jutsu actually worked in getting him into the kunoichi bath house. Man that was sweet. But somehow those bitches caught on quick. Maybe it was because he was lobster red before he got in the water. Or got the nosebleed when some of the girls got randy and played with each other. That's why it never worked again for him or for anyone else.
'All right. Enough with the obsession about body parts. Let's have a nice, peaceful, non-cage-rattling watch shift. If I'm correct, the time is 10:27 PM. This should be over if you don't screw up! Be vigilant!'
And that's what Naruto does for the next hour and a half. When it is nearly time, Naruto wakes up the slumbering party.
"Zzzz--nng, wah? Whaddaya want? Whadd time iz et?"
"Get up Tsunade, and fix your ears, for mercy's sake."
"All-raihd. Ugh"
"/Poke-poke\ Get up you lazy ass. Can't have you doze off. Get your sorry butt up. We need you."
"Fihn, fine. I'm getting' ahp."
"Good. /Turns to the sleeping Tomoko\ Up, sleepy head. You can't stalk me if I'm not here."
"Oh be quiet. You suck."
"That's not nice."
"I was having a nice dream involving me, an island, and you. It was a bit weird, though. There was a guy with a really big key that he kept whacking you with."
"Oooooookay. Well at least there are no weird guys with keys to beat me with out here. Let's get going."
"Allright/Jumps up\"
Harlequin positions himself in front of the shining blue line… and starts to… dance. Like a complete nerd. With crotch rot. And hemorrhoids. And diarrhea.
"What the FUCK?!?! What are you doing?!!"
"My morning calisthenics."
"Will you cut the crap and DO THIS THING ALREADY!!!?/Fumes\"
"No! I c a n ' t o r I h a v e o r g a n p r o b l e m s g o i n g t h r o u g h t h e w a r p !/Begins screaming like a retard while dancing like a nerd with crotch rot, hemorrhoids, and diarrhea\"
"Tsunade, could you please convince him to hurry up? He's trying to get back at me for waking him up."
"No, get someone with less dignity to do it!"
"Please Tsunade. I don't want to end my problems by jumping off a cliff. Dear God, please do me this much of a favor."
Tsunade sighs and walks over to Harlequin. Harlequin eyes her with suspicion. Then she mashes his face into her breasts until he starts to struggle for air. He comes up with hair slightly askew and a strange look on his face.
"You didn't need to do that. You could have just kissed me."
"I'd rather deny you that satisfaction."
"By cheating. Okay, I see the logic. It sucks."
"Right back at ya."
"If you two are quite done with the thinly veiled flirting, there's a new frontier to be reached."
"Right. STAND BACK!"
Harlequin lowers his stance and sets about forming complicated and archaic hand signs and oaths. The Chants begin. The man's eyes turn a pitted black and golden chakra spills from the rims of his orifices as he articulates his cosmic will. His voice takes on an ethereal and demonic tone.
"Rune das ver cadf cheod bas ter Rem-me'nioud geishre baskull cradetailor betre mentes freilect vatchcor. Byeldes cammint svor. Wild'roc Faltisskror.
The pitch of his already sonorous voice deepens into an unearthly tenor that within it spoke of countless bloody fracas.
"Gui-del'Muatrie Brodo skal vie truch in bael nas nuuten daagg voi kroisen jaagg. Et brailsen hoor et beilen prach un tuildes cshar quis vuei menes. Re Kuu. Po Shreill, Ungst Zeil. Algervoduum me tvass. MAL'Dek Fuen!"
"NE BUNDISHARR!"
Harlequin finishes the Chants with a tortured laugh and reaches forth with blackened claws for the now widening blue fissure. He grasps either side with his pointed grip, jerks at it, and rips it wide open. The hole turns white and stabilizes. A murky image of a stairway fills the door, and Harlequin beckons the group to follow him through. Then he steps through. Ripples play about where he disappears.
"Should we really follow him?"
"Sure. What could possibly go wrong?"
"How about you idiots fucking up reality as we know it? Sound good?"
"Let's see: we have an expert in the field of dimension hopping and I have a fox demon with more candles on his birthday cake than most mountains. I think we'll deal just fine."
"Damn. If this kills me, I will come back to kill you too."
"You are the most pessimistic woman I've ever met. And I have a list."
"Jerk."
"No, really. I have a list. /Pulls out a fat-looking scroll and unfurls some of its contents\"
"Hmm. Maybe I should abridge this. It's a bit profane. If I do die from this, I don't want to be remembered as 'The Perverted Census-taker'. My afterlife would be hell. /Puts a hand to his throat, massaging it\"
"I'm sure you'll be fine."
"Quit flip-flopping and I'll be fantastic. Let's go!"
They edge towards the portal, take one last look at the full moon, and take the step forward. A sensation of wetness spills over the three as they emerge from the rip in reality. They observe a smoldering figure, gazing up at a door in the distance.
"H-Harlequin??"
"No. /Turns to face them\ Your worst nightmare."
The malevolent being opens his eyes. They are the color of the deepest pitch black, with shining red lids that look like Hell's own worst creation.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"
The beast's persona slides backwards, stops as if embedded in something, and begins to morph. Slowly, the facial features disappear, to be replaced with rapidly sprouting hair. Soon, the monster is totally gone, with another figure gazing at the far away door.
"I hate it when he does that."
"Um, what?"
"My Shadow. You observed his visage trying to control my body. I humored him; he hadn't been walked in months. Poor bastard's still homicidal, I'm afraid. Can't blame him. Andariel isn't exactly one to let her consorts go lightly."
The man turns to face them. He looks like Harlequin, but his ears are elongated, his eyes are a steely gray and glowing, and he has fangs.
"Hello fox-childe. Shamaness. And moon-childe. Welcome to the Glass Staircase. This leads to our destination. I am your guide, Harlequin, but in a more concentrated and pure form. Shall we proceed?"
They gape at the clear personality change in their friend from lecherous and ostentatious sneak-thief into a terse and gentlemanly demon lord, and at the fact he proceeds up the stairs, unphased by the dangerous outbreak of his Shadow. They follow, with thoughts spinning in their heads.
'Uhm, Kyuubi?'
'What is it this time? I was really enjoying a good dream, too.'
'Do you know anything about this weird change in Harlequin? He seems… older.'
'That would be his enlightened form. You see the ultimate truth about a being future when he touches the condensed manifestation of the fabric of reality and succeeds in crossing the border. Usually, you see his sins collect together in a corporeal form first.'
'Yeah. It looked like him, only ugly and scary. It also got sucked into his back.'
'Uh oh.'
'What?'
'Sins aren't like you or me. They don't exist on this plane of existence, even in the most warped dimension. When they get pulled onto this plane, they gather in a form most suitable for their nature. For most people, and that means about ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine-nine percent of them, get some big blob of mysterious good that attacks the owner's face, trying to pull it off and form a new one, so they have an identity of their own. Those few that get a different manifesto normally see a small imp that screams at and attacks the nearest target, wishing to be the only living being within.'
'Upon the manifestation of a form that highly resembles the owner, you should run. It is a separate being called a Shadow that feeds upon the emotions of others, and will only satiate its thirst when it has sapped the psyche of a GiverGivers are basically benevolent beings, short and sweet. Shadows crave to ravish these loving souls, so as to taste true life. They are also notorious for their powers of infiltrating anything and everything. The container of such a beast is a unlucky bastard and a curse unto himself. The only sustained written record of such an event would be the Infamous Happenings of Irjulus Fausti, or as known to mortals of numerous indigenous realms, The End of Doctor Faust. Basically, an old man of strong spirit and intelligence dabbles in contacting the devil, and instead conjures up his own diabolical twin. Hearspeak and wordsay kinda garbled up the story, but the moral stays the same: don't seek transient pleasures period. As you should know by now, Shadows are the evilest bastards you'll ever meet. Ever. And if you encounter creatures similarly named or endowed, keep you head low until you know if they are dimensional plague rats or just posers. Honestly, you really never want to meet another bugger like that.'
'Okay, so they're psychic vampires, essentially. Okay, but how is this problem? Harlequin was able to haul it back in. Where's the danger?'
'Dear Lord, you're slow to catch up on cerebral matters. If you see a giant, sinewy, snarling cur about to tear out your throat and this strange guy pulls it away by its open muzzle, who are you going to fear more? The untrained beast that nearly tore you to bits, or its owner that took its most dangerous weapon in his hands and lead it away? Harlequin 'walked' a dimensional horror of infinite power and reined it in when you came through with no problem. And he's unphased by the entire ordeal and circumstance. He's either your imminent doom come a' knocking or the saltiest dog ever to grace the roads of man and demon alike. Whatever you do, don't ask questions. This guy, good or bad, has more power than even the King of Hell.'
'Oy… But what of the King of Heaven? Surely He is comparable to this guy.'
'Never say such blasphemy again. The King of Heaven -- and exclude all the various posers -- is more than just a being. He is literally everything. And that's the simplest, shortest, and more understandable way to put it. He is unique because he is one. Don't ever compare Him to a mere fragment of Him. That's sort of like comparing you with your ass hairs. Irrelevant and stupid as hell. You must learn reverence if you ever come to face one of His lieutenants. Otherwise, you're gull scrod.'
'Alright, I get it.'
'You'd better. Anyways, back toward the subject, keep on your toes. Don't ask questions. And don't ever have sex with him.'
'What th- Have wha- No! Never! I'm straight!'
'People similar to this guy can change physical form willingly. On the four first universal planes of reality, he's real as any beings get. So watch your back, and don't mate within a hundred leagues of his presence. The last thing you want is your progeny to be with a guy. In all honesty, I believe this to be unrealistic in your case. Tsunade, however, looks like a likely contender…'
'Oh boy.'
'I'll say.'
'Oh, and you mentioned one's enlightened form is shown when you pass through dimensional portals. Does this mean--'
'Yes.'
Naruto looks to his companions. He's stunned by the sight.
'What do you see?'
Tsunade has gone through some dramatic changes. Naruto has trouble keeping his eyes still. The Fifth Hokage, while in normal form is already attractive, is truly something else in enlightened form.
Her complexion is now quite tan and luminescent. Her hair is long, lush, and golden-green. Her eyes are like sparkling blue pools of silvery radiance. Tsunade's lips look silky and soft. The generous curves already bestowed upon her are now enhanced; thankfully it is a slight increase, for her blue shirt looks ready to part with a few stitches. She has a shining scar on her left wrist and a red tattoo of the kanji for "moon" on her right fist. The chakra diamond in her forehead is now white and reflective. But the most stunning feature would be that she now had two small horns on either side of her forehead. Small, black, and shiny, they looked not so much like a demonic development as a symbol of hidden power. However, even this—
'Ugh, wrap it up! I'm gonna be sick from your sentimental indulgences in sappy detail or get a boner, or both. What about Tomoko? I've heard enough about the woman who seems to resemble reflective tape in current circumstances, what about the fangirl? Surely the enlightened form of such a mediocre being will be some kind of comic relief for me /Laughs sadistically\.'
'I keep forgetting you're a hanyou and you've got a practically diseased sense of humor. Your assumptions can make yo- /Observes Tomoko\ ooooooooooooooooooooooooo'
Dead wrong. That's what Kyuubi's sardonic comment is. It's completely off target. Strangely, there is absolutely nothing mediocre about this girl's enlightened form.
Tomoko's figure, obviously, has seen a dramatic increase in volume. That's the least of it. Her hair is midnight black, with silvery tips. Her skin is well tanned and has an almost perfect complexion. The only break is two opaline lines leading from the bottom of her eyes to halt at her jaw. Her lips are full and soft, though an odd luminescence pervades them, along with a white-ish hue to them. Her hands look slim and elegant, like a Hyuuga's, with an additional feature: talons. Not the birdy, gross kind. They seem strangely non-protuberant and oddly beautiful. Her ears are now long, slim and pointed, with green flames dancing around the tips. Her eyes are red, and pupiless, for some reason. Sort of like a Hyuuga's and Uchiha's eyes combined. No tomoes, though, so she wouldn't be an Uchiha. And Hyuugas have pastel lavender eyes, not red. So how does she ultimately get those? It's really strange and—
'Augh! Your brain is rattling my cage again!! Will you keep organized in that moldy noodle you call a mind case?!!!'
'Sorry, I just got caught up. Her eyes shouldn't be able to do that. Tsunade has blue chakra and uses it extensively, so her eyes and hair are within reasoning. But Tomoko's are totally weird! Only those with Kekkei Genkai can have unique colorings like that in their eyes!'
'No fuck-in' way, Cap-m' Obvious!'
'You mean-'
'Yup.'
'She is-'
'Uh-hunh'
'Some weird off-shoot of the Hyuuga clan? You're kidding!'
'/Deadpans\ And I thought you had it.'
'What? What?!?' I thought that was the answer!'
'You're just going to have to find out on your own. Not that it'll take long. Here's a little hint: Who is the bipolar opposite of this girl? Surely you're that observant.'
'Okay, lessee… Tomoko's flamboyant, horny, outgoing, instantaneous, fun, and girly. So the person opposite her would be modest, prudent, shy, thoughtful, calm, and a sexually bland. That's Hinata, and I've seen very little of her lately. Always says studies are piling up, and there are notes on her door that say she's away on some mission or another. I don't see how this fits. They are opposites. One is constantly popping up while the other is constantly away.'
'How 'bout the fact that you never see them near each other, never on the same day, and they are both attracted to you.'
'Hinata likes me? I thought she just obsessed about me and was an admirer.'
'To the blunt and untrained eye, yes. But if you know the standard human psyche, you know what this girl's thinking. I know.'
'But they are just—aw why am I so stupid?!? I shoulda seen it before!'
'Better not be another idiotic conclusion of yours, or I'm taking your brain hostage so you can be what you really aspire to: a mongoloid that shits himself and drools on people.'
'/Ignoring threat\ I think I've got it. Hinata is Tomoko.'
'Wow, let's give him a medal for his first cohesive thought! Well done/Inner Clapping\'
'But this makes Hinata really emotionally unstable, switching between avoiding eye contact and being a total party girl. What the fuck?!?'
'Bust her bubble and she'll stabilize. You are right in the fact that a human being, or any sentient life-form for that matter, can truly have two faces. Especially in circumstances of extended timelines. I suggest after the leap.'
'Good idea. However, let's do it over a course of hours, and not spring the revelation at the drop of a hat.'
'Another valid point. Is your brain working again? I'm hearing unfamiliar noises in here, so that's an easy yes.'
'Better get to the real world. Good day.'
Unbeknownst to Naruto, they had reached the door seen on their entry into this strange place. Conveniently, Harlequin had waited for the dialogue to end, being a polite, if invasive, telepath.
"Alright, people. We are about to reach the first world you'll enter of your own free will. When you pass through, know that there is such thing as motion sickness in this sort of travel. In other words: all newbies to this form of transportation vomit on the way out of their natural habitat. Also note that locals will know your unfamiliar presence at first glance. Don't ever try to act before listening. It will keep you from making a bad first impression. If you're ready, let's go!"
Harlequin bounds to the door, twists the knob and opens it. He then beckons and passes through. Tsunade leaps after him, Tomoko bringing up the rear. Naruto steps up to the door, takes one final look back, and enters the new world.
The familiar rush surrounds him, and feels a tug upon his torso, and he surfaces. What he sees he doesn't quite understand. A giant key, coming at him full speed, intent on causing pain. And that's what it did before Naruto is knocked unconscious.
------------------------------------------------To Be Continued!--------------------------------------
Whew! That was long! Over 36,000 words! Yay me! Review to see more Naruto crossover-ing goodness!
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I need fifteen reviews (in total, not just after this submission, so you can relax a little) to get an idea of what you want. I know the mystique and controversy drew you in, and I want to add to that. I want to make this story as big as life, and the readers are the ones who add to its dimension. I love you guys, and I want to get my story down, with or without delays. So, if you don't want to review, don't worry—it'll just come later.
To the more outstanding reviewers, I'll mention you in chapter four. I always give in return.
