Chapter Three - We're A Team . . . All of Us
"To see the earth as we now see it, small and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the unending night—brothers who see now they are truly brothers" (Archibald McLeish)
Two days. Two whole freakin' days and Jensen was still stuck in the form of a wolf. Clay was pulling his hair out. He had no idea what to do, not for Jensen, not for the rest of the team. He needed to do something, needed to give an order, have a plan, something. They'd found an abandoned farm out in the middle of nowhere and had settled in for the night, taking advantage of the shelter and protection the building could provide. The others were asleep, it was his watch. Jensen whined and shifted. Moments like this with no answers and just the sight of his team suffering left Clay feeling like an utter failure.
This was his command, he was supposed to have the answers to everything and if he didn't, they were supposed to come from on high. But here he was in the middle of this absolute clusterfuck, with no clue what to do and no one to give him orders about how to deal with this. It wasn't even like he could call someone up to ask. Yeah, 'cause that conversation would go well, "Hey General, you know that mission we went on to rescue the undercover CIA guy, well it's like this. . . one of my men got bitten by a wolf, it all healed up so I forgot to mention it before . . . and now it turns out there was a bit of a side-effect and you see . . . my man's sorta been turned into a wolf and I can't quite figure out how to turn him back. Any suggestions?" Clay sighed and glanced over to find Jensen's eyes open and looking at him. "You feeling like turning back any time soon, Corporal?"
The wolf heaved himself up to his feet and padded slowly across to Clay. Clay ran a hand through the soft fur affectionately and murmured, "I am so sorry, Jensen. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't." The wolf turned his head and lapped at Clay's hand. "That doesn't get any less gross, you know." Clay smiled. The wolf whined in pain, suddenly arching his back away from Clay. He whimpered and lifted a paw to bat at his own head. Clay moved closer to try and stop the panicked pawing but Jensen just pulled away again with a louder whine.
The commotion woke the others, all of them instantly alert. Jensen's reactions grew more frantic and he scratched at the door of the farmhouse they were hiding in. Roque was the first to react, crossing the room to open the door and let him out, turning to Clay as he said, "Seriously man, he's an animal, we're lucky he didn't just cock his leg and pee in here!"
"No!" Clay was already running for the door to try and see which way the wolf had vanished into the surrounding trees. "Shit! He was in pain. I think – I think maybe he's about to change back! Everybody, comms on, get out there and find him. Stay in constant contact, we can't afford to lose him. Weapons at the ready and be prepared . . . the other possibility is he's turning . . . that the madness we saw in that other wolf is kicking in."
"No!" Cougar was furious at the suggestion and grabbing his earpiece and his sidearm, he was out the door before Clay could say anything else.
Roque was close enough to the door to see which way Cougar went into the woods, directing the others to split up and each head in a different direction from the sniper.
The comms chatter was constant, Clay insisting on almost continuous status reports from each of the team. The distraction was frustrating and Cougar wanted nothing more than to turn his earpiece off, but he knew better than to disobey orders. Silently he prayed for Jensen, prayed that they would find him, prayed that he would be sane still, prayed that they could find an answer to save him from suffering like this.
He almost missed the muffled whine under the sound of Pooch reporting and the weight of his own thoughts. He stilled, focussed in on where he thought the sound had come from, heard a rustle and turned toward it.
The next sound was unmistakeable; a long lonely howl to the moon that could only belong to Jensen. It was filled with a world of pain and despair that Cougar wished he could take away. Slowly and carefully he picked his way through the undergrowth, ignoring the questions and reports from the rest of his team sounding in his ear.
He heard whining, guttural groans and shifting, scuffling. The pain that Jensen had been in over the last few days was nothing compared to the pain saturating the sounds he was making now, reminiscent of the gut-churning screams that had marked Jensen's change into a wolf. He heard it then, a horrible ripping sound, a slow torturous grinding like pieces of rock being pulled slowly across each other which he imagined was the twist and shift of bones and by the time he had cleared his way through the last of the undergrowth, there was Jensen . . . the man, naked, pale and exhausted. He called out Jensen's name, but the other man barely had enough energy left to lift his head, certainly not enough to answer.
Cougar noted that Jensen was fully conscious of his surroundings as he watched the younger man shift and try to hide his nakedness, doing anything he could to avoid meeting Cougar's eyes. Cougar could feel the embarrassment burning through his friend from where he stood. Without a sound he stepped closer, dropped down behind Jensen and gathered him into his arms, feeling the tension in the younger man's body, as he fought to remain stoic.
"Everything will be alright, Jensen. We'll figure it out," he whispered softly, a gentle hand ghosting over Jensen's skin. "Te lo prometo." (1)
"Coug 'r. . ." Jensen's voice was raw, little more than a whisper. "I – I . . . It . . . I couldn't help it, it just happened . . ." He sounded like a man at the edge of his tolerance, nearing the limit of what he could endure.
Shushing his teammate, Cougar encouraged him to lie still, then began to speak to the rest of the team, deliberately keeping his voice calm and quiet, unpanicked as if there were nothing to worry about. "Clay . . ." he waited for a response before continuing. "I have Jensen. I need clothes and . . ."
"What's happened to your clothes, man?" The barely held back laugh was clear in Pooch's voice. "Did Jensen pee on you when you found him?"
Cougar gave a half laugh in reply, the weight on his heart lifting with Jensen's human presence. "They're not for me, they're for Jensen," he clarified.
"As in Jensen-Jensen? Human-Jensen? Seriously?" Pooch's exclamations were enthusiastic.
Clay's intervention calmed everyone back down, reminding them all of the seriousness of their current situation. A quick decision on his part sent Pooch for clothes and then out into the woods again to find Cougar and Jensen. Since he and Roque were further out in the opposite direction, they would just make their way back to the farmhouse, where they would pack up the rest of the gear so they could head out.
It took Pooch, Cougar and Jensen a while to make their way back to the farm and by the time they got there, Clay was pacing anxiously. Jensen limped into the clearing under his own steam but barely, Cougar and Pooch flanking him, each reaching out to steady him every time he stumbled.
"Thank fuck!" Clay exclaimed, immediately pacing forward and reaching out towards Jensen as he stumbled yet again.
Pooch gave a quick shake of his head as Clay tried to hook Jensen's arm over his shoulder and the younger man growled, "I got it! I'm not a fuckin' baby." His voice was hoarse, his words slightly slurred.
It was Roque who distracted everyone's attention by calling out "Load it up, boys, we're heading out! Come on, Jensen, man up! What are you some kind of pussy?"
"Fuck you," Jensen growled, spurred on to make it to the back of the truck, where he stopped short as the reality of needing to climb into the back dawned along with the realization that there was no way he was going to manage it alone.
Before he had time to think, Roque had hooked an arm around his waist and with a quick, "Come on, princess! Up you get!" had hoisted Jensen half way into the back of the truck allowing Cougar to pull him the rest of the way in. "What no back chat? Christ, Jensen, you're seriously letting us down here," Roque verbally poked again.
"You're an asshole," Jensen murmured. "Fuck off and let me sleep."
"Weak even for you, Corporal. Our very own motormouth has nothing to say, so has hell frozen over or is the apocalypse starting?" Wearily Jensen lifted one arm and flipped him the bird, before curling into the corner of the truck bed and closing his eyes.
Clay and Pooch had climbed into the front and the engine was already running as Cougar covered Jensen with a sleeping bag and a blanket stolen from the farmhouse to keep him warm, laying a hand on his forehead before settling down beside him without a word, pulling his hat down to hide his expression.
With the truck moving and everyone else occupied, or at least not expecting a response from him, Cougar had time to think about Jensen. He was relieved that he had Jensen back in human form, but had little doubt that come the next full moon, the wolf would return.
He was concerned by the toll the change had taken on Jensen; the wolf had been in constant pain and it seemed that Jensen was still hurting now, although there was no indication of how long he would continue to suffer. Jensen was vulnerable in a way he never had been in all the time Cougar had known him, brief periods of recovery after actual physical injury aside. The vulnerability encompassed more than just pain and weakness though. The period of change left him open to attack and the change from wolf to man, left him naked and unprotected in a form that no one would think twice about attacking. At least in wolf form, he would be somewhat protected by the fear of wolves most humans carried within.
When he had found Jensen in the woods, he had been able to hold him, offer a little support and protection, but with Pooch's approach, Jensen had pulled away, hidden from sight demanding they leave his clothes and move away. Cougar had lingered long enough to know that Jensen was not really in a state to stand long enough to dress himself, yet sheer stubborn determination got him clothed and through the slow trek back to the truck under his own power. Cougar's breath had caught innumerable times as Jensen had stumbled, staggered and almost fallen.
Roque's rough handling when they finally got back had riled Cougar, but in retrospect he realized, it had been what Jensen needed. The no-nonsense soldier in Roque hadn't offered sympathy, hadn't tried to coddle the younger man. He'd recognized the pain, the inability to accomplish what was needed alone and he'd done what needed to be done without preamble. The rough words had been enough to get Jensen fighting back and not needing to admit to being the weak one; the failure.
"Get some sleep, man," Roque grunted with a kick to Cougar's leg, not needing to see Cougar's face to know he was awake and lost in thought. "He'll still be there when you wake up."
Cougar felt tremors coursing through Jensen's body and reached to lay a hand against his forehead to check for a temperature. "He cold?" Roque asked. Cougar shrugged unsure what was the matter.
"'K guys," Clay leaned over from the front. "It hasn't been a good night, rest-wise. You two go ahead and bunk down with Jensen, get some sleep now. Pooch and I will keep driving for the time being. We're not heading back in yet; there will likely be too many questions about where we've been for the last few days. We'll give ourselves some time, head for the border, cross over and work on getting transport back from there. Pooch figures we can get at least a good two or three hours of driving done now with no real problem, then we'll take a break and you two can take over. I'm going to leave Jensen out of the rotation until we're sure what his condition is and what he's up to doing. I'd rather leave him out of the watch rotation and have him with enough energy to help if we run into any trouble."
Just at that moment Jensen twisted in his sleep, head crashing into the side of the truck, making everyone else cringe although it didn't wake him up. Cougar placed a hand on his forehead and Jensen calmed. Clay frowned with concern, relieved when Jensen settled again. He looked at Cougar as he asked, "Can you keep close? Look out for him?"
Cougar nodded, already shifting over Jensen to put himself between Jensen and the side of the truck so that if Jensen twisted again, he would be less likely to bang his head against the bare metal. Roque grabbed his own pack and bedded down at Jensen's back, protecting and warming him from the other side.
Clay looked over the seat again, drawn by the sound of unrest in the back of the truck. Cougar was awake and trying to still Jensen who was clearly in the throes of yet another nightmare. Roque was watching quietly too. Clay wasn't sure what the answers were beyond getting his men home and then trying to deal with this, although hell if he knew how.
Suddenly with a violent twist and a flail of his arm that would have given Cougar a bloody nose, if he hadn't jerked his head out of the way in time, Jensen turned into Cougar's space, somehow burying his head into the hollow between Cougar's neck and shoulder. They all heard the inhalation of breath from Jensen, saw as his hand clamped onto Cougar's shirt. As he let the breath out, the tension of the nightmare seemed to leave him, but he didn't move from his position tight against Cougar.
For a brief moment, Clay wondered if it was a sign of the wolf within asserting itself, given that Jensen as a wolf had spent most of his time with his head on Cougar's lap or stomach over the last few days. As Jensen settled again, Roque lay back down and turned his back, his intention to return to sleep clear.
Cougar's hand lay protectively over the back of Jensen's head, fingers sifting gently through the fine hair there, his eyes focussed intently on the younger man. Clay had seen the look before, a cross between predator and protector, a mix of lust and the desire to defend. He'd seen it turn bad, seen older men use power and experience to subdue those who were new to the team, but he'd also seen the opposite where the desired had turned on the desirer.
Clay saw Cougar blink and the look was gone from his eyes, all that remained was the protector and Clay's fear faded away.
Cougar knew Clay was watching, had seen Jensen flail and turn into him, head burrowing into his neck, but he ignored his superior's scrutiny in favor of providing Jensen with the comfort he needed, sheltering him from his nightmares.
Cougar knew that Clay would continue to watch them closely. He resigned himself to hiding his feelings in all the ways that he could, not letting even Jensen know the truth of how he felt. He let himself drop, settling further down to curl around Jensen as the younger man maintained his grip on Cougar's shirt and his head stayed burrowed in Cougar's neck. "Yo te protegeré por todos modos, sea lo que sea. Estaré aquí contigo,"(2) he whispered, too softly for anyone else to hear.
Jensen's hand seemed to clench tighter in his shirt and Cougar relished the contact, the opportunity to protect without question.
They were on their second day of driving when Jensen woke up and started talking . . . non-stop. Random facts spewed from him in the way the others had grown used to over his time with the team. Poking his head between the seats, he took in his surroundings before beginning to randomly ask questions, half of which he also made a fair attempt at answering himself before Pooch or Clay, who were up front again, had a chance to reply. From talk about the rain that was falling and how much rain they could expect for the season and location, he moved on to the vegetation around them.
Every time anyone else tried to direct the conversation, Jensen spoke louder, talking over them. So they'd ended up driving the rest of the day and crossing the border without anyone managing to get a response from Jensen as to how he was feeling or what it had felt like to be a wolf.
Jensen knew he was being annoying, kind of regretted it, but the need to not talk about what had happened over the last few days was greater. He knew Clay couldn't let it go forever, knew he would have to talk about it at some point, but right now he didn't think he could bear to have to put any of the experience into words or what would happen next. He'd have to leave the army – it wasn't exactly safe to have a werewolf wandering around on missions, and it wasn't like the wolf would be of any use, even if he were allowed to accompany the team.
He figured he was bright enough to work out what was coming, a discharge . . . if he was lucky it wouldn't be dishonourable and then . . . well then, the army would probably insist on him being locked up or shot. And so Jensen talked, he talked and talked so no one else could, so no one could point out what was coming. He shivered despite the forced hyperactivity, trying to ignore the weight of everyone else's eyes on him.
Clay could feel the anger growing inside him, the urge to smack Jensen upside the head and tell him to shut the fuck up if he wasn't going to talk about something useful, like what had happened for instance. He could feel his nerves ratcheting up to match the adrenaline that was clearly coursing full speed through Jensen's body. He turned his eyes back to the front, catching Pooch's gaze for an instant. "An hour," he murmured, "Can you get us somewhere in an hour?"
Pooch snorted a half laugh, "Of course I can get you somewhere, the question should be can I get you somewhere useful! The answer to which is I can't be sure, but I'll keep my eyes peeled."
Clay nodded and went back to staring out of the window and doing his best not to listen to Jensen and not give the order for Roque to gag him.
It was a little over an hour later when Pooch slowed the truck to a stop and let the engine die. For a moment there was silence as even Jensen said nothing. Clay looked into the back of the truck, taking note that all eyes were on Jensen, whose eyes were closed, his teeth biting his lower lip. Yeah, Clay figured they all knew what was going to happen now, but he needed to delay it for just a little longer. "Everybody out, make camp," his order was curt and the whole team reacted instantly.
Clay was thankful that Jensen had reacted, had followed his order. He was still part of the team and Clay needed to make sure he stayed that way. Everything was almost set up before Clay spoke again, sending Roque and Cougar out to search the area beyond the perimeter they'd established initially and ordering Pooch to fix them all something to eat.
That left Jensen standing in front of him. "Walk with me," he said simply, leading the younger man away from the camp to give them a little privacy. He found an area with a few fallen logs and waved Jensen in the direction of one of them before sitting on another himself. "I know you don't want to talk about this, but . . . Jensen, we have to face up to what's happened and figure out what we're going to do about it." Jensen gave a small nod, but didn't say anything.
"I need you to tell me about it. . . Jensen, you have to tell me about what we've just been through from your position, I need to . . . I need to know what you know about what happened."
Jensen nodded again, fingers twisting in his lap. He looked away, took a deep breath and then began to talk, "I – I don't really know what to say. I remember . . . I remember feeling strange for like a while before, then there was this . . . God, there was this awful pain, just like . . ." One hand came up to his face and he took a moment or two to collect himself before he could continue. "The next thing I remember was Cougar being there and being torn between recognizing him and . . . and being afraid of him. I was in pain, I kept trying to will myself back into my body, make myself into me again. Nothing happened, I couldn't change . . . the more I tried the more pain I was in . . . but I tried . . . I tried."
Clay could hear the desperation in his voice, did his best to reassure Jensen that he understood before encouraging him to continue.
"I dunno, I sort of knew what was happening, what you were saying to me and doing, but . . . but not completely. I – I don't know how to explain." Clay gave a nod and so Jensen moved on. "When it came time to change back . . . I could feel it inside . . . everything I'd tried to do to make it happen and then it just suddenly came over me . . . it's like my bones are twisting and changing and . . . Fuck!" Jensen stopped again, choked and Clay moved closer, resting a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "I couldn't control it, Clay, I couldn't control it!"
"I know, son, I know. I need to ask you something else though, Jensen, and I need you to be honest with me. . . When you were the wolf, did you . . . did you feel like you were going to hurt anyone, attack anyone?"
Jensen shook his head, taking a moment. "I didn't feel much . . . but I felt like I needed to be . . . to be with all of you, like it was important to be together, like – like family? I guess . . . I guess I'd have felt like hurting anyone who hurt one of you . . ." Jensen's voice drifted quieter, but he finished with a whispered, "Why didn't you just shoot me?"
"I don't want to be shooting any of my own team . . . I don't want to be losing any of my team, Jensen, and you are very much part of my team. I'll be honest with you, my first reaction was to shoot you . . . to shoot you before you could hurt anyone else, but Cougar wasn't going to let that happen. He could see that you weren't about to hurt anyone, that inside it was still you. Team's important to all of us, Jake. Like you said, we're a family and 'pack' is important to a wolf as well. We're your pack. Now our problems aren't over, we've got a lot of stuff to work out around this and what it means to you and to us, but we've got a bit of time and, hey, this time, we know that we won't be in the middle of a mission when you change." Jensen nodded, but his eyes remained downcast and Clay could see the weight still dragging on his shoulders, knew he needed to say something more to ease that weight, but before he could say anything, Jensen spoke.
"Will you report me? What will happen to my – my sister?"
Clay frowned, unsure what Jensen was trying to say. "Report you to who? The medics? For the moment, no. I know someone, a doctor . . . it'll take me a little while to track him down, but we can trust him. I'll get him to do a full medical on you, we can trust that it won't go any further . . . After that, well, then we'll know where we stand. We'll know what we can and can't take you to the ordinary medics for. Right now, we don't know what's different about your body and I don't want anyone we can't trust finding out about what happened. We will protect you, Jake, you are still part of this team. You got hurt on our watch and we've got your back through whatever comes next, I promise. As to your sister, I'm not sure what you mean?"
"Doesn't matter . . ."Jensen looked away again.
"It does matter. You think I'm not going to let you go see your sister?" Clay asked. Jensen shrugged. Clay frowned, "Tell me what is going through that convoluted, overworked brain of yours!"
"You've answered . . . I – I thought maybe I'd be discharged . . . or . . . or you know, get fragged or TWEPed or something . . . I just want to make sure my sister will be taken care of . . . if . . . if something happens."
"Fuck, Jensen! I'm not going to let anything like that happen to you and I promise you your sister will be taken care of no matter what . . . For right now, I'm inclined to think that we don't . . . don't tell your sister. The less she knows, the more she's protected, until we know more . . . that okay with you?" Jensen nodded. Clay sighed. "Jensen, look at me . . . You aren't in this alone. I know," he held a hand up to stop Jensen saying anything, "I know the rest of us don't know what it's like, what exactly you're going through, but we are here and we'll do all we can to help."
By the time Clay and Jensen returned to the clearing, Pooch had everything ready to eat and Roque was already waiting to eat. Cougar was leaning against a tree waiting as well. His posture relaxed a fraction when he saw them and when Jensen sat down, he moved to sit next to him. "Okay," Clay said, once they were all seated, "We've crossed the border. We'll wait out the night here. Jensen, we brought your stuff with us from the warehouse, will you be able to find us a way out of here . . . get us some flights?"
"Yes sir," he said, immediately starting to put down the plate he'd been eating off of.
Clay looked astonished, but it was Cougar who reached out, took hold of Jensen's arm and pulled him back down, before handing him back his plate and saying, "Eat now, work later. You need the energy."
Jensen looked anxiously at Clay who gestured to the plate with an "Eat!" before turning back to his own food.
It took Jensen less than an hour to arrange for a flight out of the nearest airport, a mere six hours drive away. He gave the details to Clay before moving away from the group with his laptop and getting back to work.
Pooch went to sit by him and tried to start up a conversation. "I tried to find out something to help you, man . . . you know while you were . . . changed." Jensen nodded, but didn't look up, fingers flying over the keyboard.
"Jensen . . ." Jensen's eyes came up to meet Pooch's. "I'm sorry I didn't find anything that helped, man. I really am."
"'S okay. Not like . . ." Jensen stopped as if he'd changed his mind what he was going to say. "You tried, 's not like it's something we deal with every day. Thanks, man. I figure I'll just, you know, have a look myself . . . see if I can dig up anything."
Two hours later, Jensen discovered that the rest of his team were determined to have his back and look out for him, even when his own opinion as to what he needed differed from theirs. Roque snatched away his laptop, handing it to Pooch to turn off and pack away before dragging Jensen across to Cougar who had laid out their bed rolls in the back of the truck. They manhandled him into the back of the truck, Roque pushing him towards his bedroll with the final instruction to "Get some fuckin' sleep, Corporal! You're no good to anyone if you spend half the night surfing for porn!"
Jensen turned as if to bite back before having second thoughts. Without another word, he turned to his bedroll and lay down, closing his eyes and ignoring his teammates. He heard as Roque jumped down from the truck, heard as he said, "Get some sleep, Alvarez. I'll be back soon."
Cougar lay down beside Jensen without a word. The two men lay in silence, Cougar's breathing steady and even and Jensen's racing then settling, then picking up again. Time passed and Jensen was no closer to being able to rest so Cougar rolled onto his side to face the younger man, saying quietly, "Jensen, we will not leave you, we will not harm you."
"Maybe you should . . . maybe you should have just put me down when you first found me, Coug. I'm a fuckin' animal now, who knows what I'll do. You saw him, you saw that bastard wolf that did this to me. What makes you think I'm not going to end up like that? You should have killed me."
"No! No, I know you are not like that wolf. You could not be that wolf, not ever."
Jensen nodded reluctantly, then whispered, "Cougar . . . Carlos . . . I – I need you to promise me something. If I change, if I become . . . if I'm like that . . . don't let me hurt anyone. Please I'm begging you, kill me before I hurt someone."
Cougar nodded, "Te lo prometo."(1)
Jensen nodded, settled down a little closer and closed his eyes.
Spanish to English translation
(1) I promise.
(2) I will protect you by any means, whatever happens. I will be here with you.
