A/N: I am sorry, I have been trying to continue this for some time now but until now, every attempt to write another good chapter has failed. I finally, am happy to say that I am over my case of writer's block and do hope you enjoy this. I apologize once again to anyone who had been waiting for another chapter.
My flight had helped clear my head somewhat, my heart was still as heavy as before and the future still looked just as bleak but at least I was no longer felt like crying. I returned unwillingly to the ground, everything just didn't seem as bad when I had been in the air, looking down on the school. Upon landing onto the qudditch pitch another wave of hopelessness washed over me. How in the world was I going to be able to fix this?
She has no idea what she means to me, she was my first friend ever, and my first and only love. I walked silently back up to the castle, not even bothering to try and stay in the shadows. Thinking over the past years that I had spent here right up to today's, well, yesterday's by now, fiasco I just couldn't believe it. This has all got to be a horrible dream; I had destroyed the only relationship that had ever mattered to me with just a simple sentence. I was going to have to find a more effective way to apologize, there had to be a way to fix this. There would never be anyone else in my life like Lily, there couldn't be, not only was she the first girl but also the last I realized sadly.
She was the last girl and the last reason to make my life meaningful, without Lily in my life I couldn't see any meaning, I pictured myself living out the rest of my life, just going through the daily motions until my passing. Or at least until I'm killed, I thought with a scoff, especially considering who I've been hanging out with lately, well, there's no way they'd; especially Malfoy, let me go quietly. Maybe that would be preferable though I thought, then at least it would save me from having all the more years that I would without her if I just died a natural death.
I know if I spoke of this to anyone, they'd tell me it was lunacy, that oh there are plenty of fish in the sea and I was young, that I have lots of time to find someone before I give up on the idea of romance completely. I'd find someone surely, that this was just teenage hormones or some other dribble. They would be so wrong however, so, so wrong. Lily is not like any other girl I've ever known, and besides, she's the only person who's ever wanted to be around me.
I'm not stupid; I see the looks I get from the rest of the female population here and around the town near where Lily and I live. I know what they think, I know they consider me beneath them, and that how I dress, speak, and act puts them off. Lily's the only one who ever cared to get past my harsh exterior. I've heard her friends talk to her about how creepy as they put it, that I am and they don't understand how she could even stand to be around me, much less want to.
I walked into the Great Hall, taking care to make sure my shoes didn't squeak on the floor from the dew out on the grass. As I walked I was flooded with memories of that first summer we met and then to last summer when we had had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer it had been.
Oh God, how am I going to be able to survive this summer and all the summers after? She lives in my neighborhood for pity's sake! I'm going to be tortured day in and out not only here but there as well. I wrenched open a door to one of the empty classrooms and sunk down to the floor on the other side of it. I buried my head in my hands as I thought of that day we kissed for the first time.
It was the first time I had ever felt properly connected to anything. I never believed in love, I was too realistic I had always told myself to believe something like that could exist. There simply was no way possible that it could, not for someone like me, but Lily; Lily had broken down all those barriers, all those beliefs. That day, when we had been alone in our little clearing talking and laughing as usual, in those moments leading up to the kiss; it was like feeling the massive weight of water surrounding us, in an invisible current, pulling us closer together. The kiss itself had been like a wave crashing down around me, that wave, that feeling, I knew then I was more head over heels for her than I had ever been before. I was gone, and I knew it, there was no turning back now. I had always loved her yes, but as soon as that kiss happened I knew there would never be anyone else for me, just her. Lily somehow, for whatever reason, had loved me back, she never thought I was unlovable; she forced me to look past everything I had ever learned.
I had grown up being told how I had ruined my mother's life and how much better off she would have been if I had never been born. It was my fault that she and I suffered the cruelty of my father's hand. I was worthless; her family never would have disowned her if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me by my disgusting muggle father. The horrible life we'd both had since that point had always been my fault. I had never been a wanted person.
But Lily had wanted me, and she had spent all her years at Hogwarts being ridiculed as well for standing by me and remaining my friend. No, she never got the worst of it, that always fell on me but she had always stood up for me when her friends would question her about her friendship with me. I can't speak for anyone else in Gryffindor but I would have to say that yes, Lily fits the bravery aspect that those in that house are supposed to possess.
If only I had been as brave, if only I hadn't been fearful of what would have happened if we had gone public with our relationship that had developed over the summer, maybe things would have gone better than what I thought. Maybe everyone is right, I pondered, maybe I am a coward. I looked down at my wristwatch; it was a little past three in the morning. Then, furiously I ripped it off my arm and threw it so hard that it hit the back wall of the classroom. I had forgotten that the watch had been a gift from Lily for my thirteenth birthday. One of few birthday presents I've ever received.
I made up my mind to be sure to talk to her again tomorrow. There must be a way to fix this, there just has to be. I rose up from my spot on the floor and walked out into the hall once more. I trudged down to the dungeons back to my common room; another late night successful stroll for Hogwart's most dispensable, most invisible student I thought as I entered the dormitory. Everyone was asleep naturally and I was glad, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I climbed into bed and took out the picture of Lily and myself that I hid under my pillow.
She had gotten a camera the year before last for Christmas; I remembered how she had sat the self timer on it and balanced it on the fence post. We had spent a good portion of the following Boxing Day taking picture after picture because she 'wanted to make sure she got a good one that wasn't fuzzy' despite my pleas that I did not want to participate and not to blame me if I broke her new camera. We stayed out in the snowy yard until every bit of clothing we had on was soaked through, Lily's mother made us come inside and she gave us each a huge mug of hot chocolate.
In the picture naturally, it was not moving since the camera had been a gift from her parents and only developed muggle film; was Lily standing with one arm thrown around me, the other raised high into the air in triumph as we stood beside the snowman we had worked on all morning. Lily had declared it the most perfect looking snowman that we had ever built. There's snow falling all around us and I, for once, I actually was smiling.
Tears began to softly fall down my cheeks once more the longer I stared at the picture, I wished now I hadn't thrown the watch she gave me against the wall. I would talk to her again tomorrow, with everything we had been through; with as long as we had meant so much to each other, this just couldn't be the end. My last thoughts before finally falling asleep were of how she's the only person who's ever been able to make me smile.
