In which the Sorting Hat cannot do its job

Like most teenagers, Danny Fenton-Phantom did not enjoy being kidnapped. Unlike other teens, however, he knew exactly how to handle it: get the heck out of there as soon as possible.

The Portkey deposited him in a smallish room filled with odd-looking silver instruments, mobile portraits, and six people he would later learn were Albus Dumbledore, Dolores Umbridge, and the four Heads of House. At the moment, though, all he saw were six enemies.

Danny's wizzy-sense snapped into action, allowing him to isolate the most powerful threat. Not surprisingly, it informed him that Dumbledore was by far the most dangerous. Therefore, Dumbledore had to be taken down before the others.

Half a second after appearing in the headmaster's office, Danny punched Albus Percival Wulfric too-many-titles-to-remember Brian Dumbledore right in the center of his face.

The wizard was down, clutching his now-broken nose. McGonagall, yelling, leapt to her feet. Danny spun, tripping her. She fell, knocking over Tiny (Danny's impromptu name for Filius Flitwick) and The Nose (Snape).

Danny's momentum carried him around. He caught a brief glimpse of Toad (weak and fat, shouldn't be much of a threat) and Apples (she was fairly powerful, but her magic felt tied to plants. There weren't any plants present, so she probably wouldn't have much to contribute) before seeing the door.

The halfa charged. He sprinted through the door, not bothering to shut it behind him, taking the stairs three at a time.

If the furious Apples hadn't followed him down the stairs (albeit at a much slower pace), or even if she hadn't considerately made her presence known by shrieking imprecations most dire at the top of her lungs, Danny would have gone ghost and flown out of there. But he wasn't stupid enough to transform in front of a witness, so it was a human who made his way past the gargoyles and into the hall.

Oh, crud, there was a person here. A kid, not particularly powerful and kind of stupid-looking, but still a witness. And speaking of witnesses, those portraits were talking. Triple crud- he'd just remembered that wizard portraits talked. If he changed in front of them, they'd definitely report it to Dumbledore. Then it was off to the wizarding Guys in White for him.

So what he had to do was either find a way out of the castle (Hogwarts was a castle, right?) or find a place where no one would see him go ghost. Or he could just find a window and jump out, assuming they hadn't reinforced their glass. Which, given his luck, they probably had. So that plan was out.

Quadruple crud, he thought as he dodged a beam of light. Was Apples shooting at him?

Yes, she was.

The sight of an unfamiliar boy in Muggle pajamas sprinting through the hallowed halls of Hogwarts and being shot at by Pomona Sprout naturally gathered a bit of an audience. Fortunately, Danny was fast enough to outrun them.

Right, left, straight, straight, left. Paintings on the walls, students in the halls. Witnesses.

Danny saw a staircase at the end of the hall. He ran towards it- it went down, and he needed to get to the ground floor if he wanted to get out of here (which he did).

Then the staircase moved, as staircases at Hogwarts are wont to do. Danny skidded to a halt, gawking. Why in this world or the next was the staircase moving?

He had not read Hogwarts, a History. He had no idea that the staircases rotated on a random basis and had been doing so for the past thousand years. Because he did not know that, his mind leapt to the obvious conclusion: Twinkles, the old man whose face he had punched, had regained consciousness and used his headmaster powers to turn the castle itself against him.

Okay, Fenton-Phantom. Stay calm. Just because the school itself seems to be alive and against you is no reason to panic. All you have to do is find another way out.

Unfortunately, his delay had given Sprout the opportunity to catch up with him. The apple-cheeked witch was red in the face and sweating, but it was clear that she wasn't about to give up her pursuit. Just to prove that she had no intention of letting him go, she fired another spell at him. Danny, whose reflexes had been honed from years of ghost hunting, dodged easily.

Several twists and turns later, Danny found himself at a dead end. He spun, searching for a door or turn to run through, but found nothing.

If he'd been paying slightly more attention to his surroundings instead of just the person shooting at him, he might have noticed the powerful magical presence moving through the walls (actually through a secret passage). In fact, he did notice the presence, but he thought that it was someone in another room, not someone coming straight for him.

He ran towards Sprout, dodging her curses. He could make it, he was young and fit and powerful and she was not; she couldn't-

Then Albus Dumbledore hit him in the back with a Stunner, and the world went black.


Hours later, Hermione Granger and her friends sat down at the Gryffindor table. "I wonder why Professor Dumbledore told everyone to come here at six," she said.

Ron shrugged. "I reckon it has something to do with that rumor about a Muggle getting inside."

"D'you believe the rumor?" Harry asked.

The redhead snorted. "Course not. How would a Muggle get into Hogwarts? And did you hear the bit about Sprout chasing him down?" He guffawed. "Sprout, going after someone with Stunners and Body-binds."

The image of their petite Herbology professor chasing a helpless Muggle made his friends laugh.

"Oh, look," noted Hermione when their laughter died down, "there they are now."

Every professor save for McGonagall (and Hagrid, who still hadn't returned from wherever he was) filed into the Great Hall. Even Sybil Trelawney had climbed down from her tower.

Most of the professors sat in their customary places. Dumbledore, though, remained standing. "Doubtless you are all wondering why we have called you together this day." He smiled slightly. "And doubtless you are all wondering if this meeting has anything to do with rumors of a Muggle inside Hogwarts."

Several students, including the three Gryffindors, nodded.

"I assure you that no Muggle entered our school today. However, it gives me great pleasure to welcome a transfer student from the United States of America, one Daniel Fenton. He will be joining fifth year, and I have called you together to witness his Sorting."

"A transfer?" Hermione murmured, frowning thoughtfully. "How strange." Especially, she thought grimly, since Voldemort had returned mere months ago.

The doors of the Great Hall swung open once again. As one, the student body turned. As one, the student body gawked.

"Er, Hermione?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Am I going mad, or is McGonagall levitating a rather angry-looking bloke in pajamas and a full Body-bind down the hall?"

"You're not going mad, Ron."

"Oh. Good. Er… why is McGonagall levitating the transfer in a full Body-bind?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

Ron had made quite the understatement when he described Danny as 'rather angry-looking.' The halfa's blue eyes burned with utter fury. They alternated between McGonagall, who was levitating him; to Dumbledore, who had Stunned him in the back; to Umbridge, who had come up with the brilliant idea of placing the Body-bind on him after his second escape attempt, which had resulted in her losing no fewer than five teeth (the escape attempt, not the Body-bind. He'd obviously hit her before being hit himself). After tonight's Sorting, she had an appointment with Madame Pomfrey. Except for the furious, fiery eyes, Danny's entire face was dark as a thundercloud at midnight.

McGonagall conjured a bench, placed the hybrid on it. She took out the Sorting Hat, began moving it towards his head. For the first time, the halfa's expression changed. He seemed… afraid.

Hermione, watching, frowned. Why would anyone fear the hat…

…unless he had something to hide?


When McGonagall had told Danny that all new students were subjected to mind-rape via talking hat, he had panicked. That, of course, had set off his disastrous second escape attempt and several rants on how this could not possibly be legal, and he was an American citizen, and if they stuck that hat on his head he would sue the pants off them.

That was when Umbridge had put the Body-bind on him. Not only did it prevent another escape attempt, it would keep him from raving and threatening them.

Oh, yes. That was going in the lawsuit.

But right now, he had more immediate things to deal with. Like the hat that was going to read his mind, discover all his secrets, announce those secrets to everyone, and get him thrown into the wizard equivalent of the Guys in White headquarters, where he would be subject to lots and lots of painful experiments.

He had read enough magical history to know that wizards were not particularly tolerant of non- or half-humans. Add that to their dislike of Amity Park's ghosts….

What if he could keep the hat out of his mind? There had to be some way to do that, there just had to be. But how?

Oh, crappity crap crap. She was about to put the hat on his head.

Danny did the only thing he could think of: he shoved his mind into a gigantic imaginary Fenton thermos and closed it tight.

Fenton thermos, Fenton thermos. He knew it inside and out, every gray line and green stripe, its proportions, the cramped darkness within….

A normal teen wouldn't have been able to do it. A normal teen's shields would have disintegrated within the first few seconds. But Danny Fenton-Phantom, Pariah's Bane, lord in four kingdoms, Champion-Defender of the Two Worlds, was no ordinary teen. Having ghost powers that could act up at any second without notice had taught him how to focus, excluding everything else.

He applied those same principles here, using all his energy to keep himself within the imaginary thermos and the Sorting Hat outside. Blood pounded in his ears, but he scarcely heard it.

Fenton thermos, Fenton thermos, slightly oval on the outside, just under a foot long….

"Mr. Fenton," said the Sorting Hat, annoyed, "please lower your Occlumency shields."

At the Head Table, Dumbledore and Snape stiffened. They were the only people in Hogwarts who had even heard of Occlumency (besides the hat, of course). They both knew from experience how difficult it was. How, then, was an untrained teenager keeping the Sorting Hat, something whose magic centered around Legilimency, out of his mind?

Naturally, Danny didn't oblige the headpiece's request. It repeated, slightly louder than before, "Mr. Fenton, I need you to lower your Occlumency shields. I can't Sort you until you allow me access to your mind."

Not gonna happen. Fenton thermos, warm round darkness within, guarding all my secrets….

He could feel the hat prodding at the imaginary thermos, searching for a weak point. Danny extended a mental hand to the inner surface of the thermos's cap. He held on tight. Even if the Sorting Hat found the release button, it wouldn't be able to open the device while Danny was holding onto it.

Ha.

Maybe, if he was really, really lucky, the stupid thing would give up. And if he wasn't Sorted, maybe the wizards would let him go home!

Okay, that last bit wasn't exactly likely, but neither was a telepathic hat.

His shields, already strong, were strengthened further by something other than his sheer stubbornness. Ghosts had a natural resistance to magic. Danny was only half-ghost, so his immunity wasn't quite so strong (though he had every intention of changing that). A fulling wouldn't have been affected by the Stunner or Body-bind- but then again, a fulling couldn't use a wand. Danny's immunity was weak, but when combined with his mental Fenton Thermos it was still more than the headpiece could deal with.

"Albus," the hat growled, "why isn't this student letting me Sort him? He won't even tell me that much."

Of course he wouldn't tell the stupid thing that much, because that would let it into his mind, and that was the last thing Danny wanted.

Fenton thermos. Fenton thermos. Fenton thermos….

Dumbledore heaved a sigh. "Mr. Fenton has… expressed reluctance about attending Hogwarts."

Murmurs broke out throughout the Great Hall. Danny felt a flash of annoyance- what, didn't you people think I had a life before wizard school? And I liked that life a lot, thank you very much.

"Why?" the hat asked, just as befuddled as the humans.

Why? This flash of anger was almost hot enough to burn through Danny's hastily erected shields. Maybe because the wizards had kidnapped him?

But of course, Dumbledore wasn't going to mention that little detail. "He had no desire to leave his friends and family."

"Loyalty, eh?" the hat said. "Then it'd better be HUFFLEPUFF!" The last word was shouted loudly enough to hurt Danny's sensitive ears. Sometimes, heightened senses were more trouble than they were worth.

Fearing that the hat's declaration might have been an attempt to lull him into a false sense of security, he kept his shields at full strength until McGonagall removed the cap from his head. Only then did he let himself relax.

"Remember that we have you under a Tracking Charm," she muttered, too quietly for anyone else to hear. Then she released him from the Body-bind.

Danny was tempted- so, so tempted- to head for the hills. Let's see how that Tracking Charm works in the Ghost Zone, shall we? But he swallowed the temptation, realizing that any escape attempt would be met with spell fire and heightened security.

No he would bide his time, figure out how to remove the Tracking Charm. He could probably do that by increasing his natural immunity to magic until it was as powerful as a full ghost's. Or maybe, if he could find a book on Tracking Charms in the library, he could remove it himself. Then he'd return to Amity Park, to his duty and destiny.

And Heaven help the wizard who tried to stop him.


Fulling: my term for a full-human or a full-ghost.

Last chapter, seventeen people voted on the Rue-the-day-o-meter. The averaged-out score was 3.27. Scores ranged from 1 to 5.6. Remember to cast your vote on the aforementioned Rue-the-day-o-meter (rules can be seen in Chapter 2).

Spoiler: In a few chapters, I shall introduce an OC named Sir Randall Meme the Ferocious, Overlord of Hufflepuff. How much can you figure out about him before he actually appears? Nyx, you are not allowed to answer because you already know who Randall is.

-Corona