He didn't speak for a long time, but he didn't remove his hands from Frisk's, either. They stood in silence for a while, listening to their own thoughts mixed with the quiet rustling of branches. Sans thought of home, and though he didn't know it, so did Frisk. The problem was, of course, that neither of them really knew what that meant any more. Sans also thought of anger, of seething rage and cooling kindness, and he thought of holes. There were plenty of holes in his memories, and while he liked being able to chalk it up to the resets, he knew they existed beyond that as well. Monsters talked about family and the concept of home a lot, but he could never partake in such discussions. Papyrus was the only family he had. He knew, of course, that his family existed - no one just existed without a family, but he lived without a family; he had a family, but he didn't have a family.
More than once, Frisk opened their mouth as though to speak, but then closed it before any noise could escape. What would they even say? There's nothing they could say, he realized, and he let go of their hands, his own dropping uselessly at his sides. He hadn't even had time to prepare his whoopee-cushion-in-the-hand trick, and he felt his arm brush the lump in his pocket on the way down. With their hands free, Frisk started to sign again, but stopped, likely noticing that, while Sans' eyes were trained on their hands, he wasn't focusing on them at all. So they waited, like they always did, for his mood to pass.
He wondered, often, how Frisk could be so patient with him. He knew that even after years on the surface, he still woke up in terror during the night and let his magic loose. And he knew that, often, Frisk was the recipient of such a blast. There was a suspiciously human-shaped dent in his bedroom wall, but luckily no one had commented on it. Every time, though, Frisk would get to their feet, however shakily, and come sit by his side, comforting him. No matter how much he hurt them, they were there.
Shouldn't he do the same for them?
But being so unconditionally kind was harder than it looked. One must fight against the temptations of envy and anger, of betrayal and rage. And to do so, one must be incredibly strong. Sans was not this strong. He thought it funny, in the early days, that a child, a mere child, would prove to be more resilient than he; that a child's kindness would be stronger than all his rage and chaos. He didn't find it funny any more. In fact, he reflected upon it with the perfection of hindsight, recognizing that the kid would of course be stronger than him because the kid was just that: a kid. And man, did kids have potential. People would always talk about what their kids were going to amount to when they were older, but no one ever focused on what those kids were right now.
The kids were pure. Not in any of the warped meanings used in warped situations, but pure in the sense that they were untainted by the sympathy of maturity. That's the thing, see, adults have sympathy; kids have empathy. These two things, contrary to popular belief, cannot coexist in one mind. And it took Sans a long time to realize such things, as he had always thought of empathy as connecting and sharing experiences. He thought his conversation with Undyne about their eyes had been empathy - they were sharing the same experiences, more or less, so they could understand what the other was feeling, right?
But then he met Frisk. And Frisk didn't try to connect, and often couldn't, given their lack of real-world experiences. But that lack of experience is what made them so compassionate and kind. It took a long time, and a long time living around adult humans, in fact, for him to realize it, but Sans had learned that those experiences that broaden your worldview and mature you are the very same experiences that harden you and close you off. And he had certainly lived through enough of these experiences to warrant such hardness of the persona as the hardness of his skull.
He had only seen one adult human soul, but he learned something from that experience. Adult human souls were swirling and complicated, a mixture of preoccupations and self-pity; child souls were a reflection of the child: pure and vibrant. Frisk's soul, deep red with Determination, had been changing in their years spent on the surface. He glimpsed it, from time to time, when he inadvertently attacked them. But now they stood in front of him, time healing their soul of such experiences, but not their mind. Time alone does not heal a mind; this he knew. His memories stirred and he caught glimpses of colors and with each color, an emotion. There was blue, a feeling of helplessness and confusion; purple, a feeling of guilt and shame; brown, a feeling of joy and sorrow at the same time; yellow, a feeling of anger and fear; and white, the feeling akin to a sense of belonging.
He, of course, had no idea what these colors meant, but appreciated the memory nonetheless. He appreciated any memory he could get nowadays (thenadays? soon-to-comeadays?). And while he appreciated the glimpses, he wondered how the universe could pick and choose which memories he got - and why. Surely there was something in those memories that could fix what was broken - could bring back what was missing - but the trouble was that without the memories he had no way of knowing what that something was. He had considered, on more than one occasion, asking Frisk if they knew, but had never been able to push aside the feeling that it went missing long before Frisk's time.
One thing monsters had over humans was their superior senses. Monsters, made of magic and in tune with their surroundings, could see and hear things far before humans could. So, with the distant thumping of boots in snow, Sans remembered why they were here, and how much he had already messed it up.
"Come on, kid. Papyrus is gonna be here soon, and you've got a lamp to get behind."
Now it was Frisk's turn to not speak. They nodded almost imperceptibly and started to walk forward before Sans stopped them.
"Hey now; I've got a line."
Frisk stopped, a confused look crossing their face.
"Why don't you go through this gate thingy?"
Their expression morphed into one that was comprised of equal parts guilt and gratefulness.
"Yeah, go right on through. My bro made the bars too wide to stop anybody."
He stood aside, and waved Frisk through, following closely after. Hearing that Papyrus was a safe distance away, he stopped, causing Frisk to turn back in confusion. He'd already mucked with the timeline enough, so what was one more deviation?
"That line was a lie, technically. No matter how much I love papyrus, no one is above getting pranked. I came out into the forest late one night and I, uh, sawed off every other bar. Paps was, pretty upset, you know, understandably, but I just told him that the 'night beavers' had claimed the gate as their territory, and he, heh, he believed me and left the fence alone. He doesn't like to patrol up here much, and that, uh, might have something to do with it," he admitted sheepishly. It had been a funny prank, and it wasn't like Papyrus was devastated by it. "I dunno if he really cared about the gate keeping humans out, or if he just liked building things. He told me the next sentry station he was going to make would be crafted out of cardboard, though, after I assured him that, no, there's no such thing as cardboard beavers."
Frisk gave him a curious look. They didn't laugh, but a hint of a smile cracked their blank expression, and a small lurch of their body alerted him to their silent chuckle. Frisk never really liked his pranking - they thought that it was kind of rude - but that didn't stop them from laughing when he told them about his escapades.
A heavy clomp in the distance was loud enough to alert even Frisk, and together they finished crossing the bridge and entered the clearing. "Quick, behind that conveniently shaped lamp," he called out theatrically. Maybe he was mad about the reset, and maybe his trust in Frisk was a little fractured, but the kid was pretty good at keeping promises, he had learned, and so what harm could it do to at least be a little happy while they did their thing? They'd be out of here in a few days, unless…
Unless Frisk let Chara back in. He shuddered and his eyes flicked toward the lamp. He had forgotten to ask them about Chara - how stupid was he? There could be a little psychopath hatching in the kid's mind, and he was sitting here making them laugh.
Unfortunately, he had no time to remedy this oversight, as Papyrus marched up to the clearing and planted himself in front of Sans. Sans forced himself to tear his eyes away from the lamp. Despite what it meant, he had always enjoyed this scene, chuckling to himself about how Papyrus simply refused to have his rant interrupted, and never bothered to turn his attention even the slightest bit to the right; if he did, he would have seen Frisk here instead of later, and Sans often wondered how that would have gone down.
In the first resets, before he realized this was going to be a continuing occurrence, he had decided to try something different, especially since he saw Frisk was trying something different as well. Papyrus' question had been a little different, so he made his answer a little different. It had taken the silent child's icy glare to remind him of the severity of the situation and stop him from bursting with laughter after Papyrus simply walked away after Sans' had said he'd found a human.
His brother could be a goofball, from time to time, and maybe got a little overexcited about certain things, causing him to overlook the things of actual importance, but he was strong. Sans had seen some of the training he did with Undyne, and it had gripped his soul with fear. The first time he watched, he thought Undyne was going to kill Papyrus - like actually kill him. The second time was much later, and for a moment, he thought Papyrus would kill Undyne. This thought, of course, was before he remembered that this was the same Papyrus who took it upon himself to keep Sans' pet rock from starving. He hadn't thought about it before, but, man, was he a paranoid person. Even before Frisk's resets and betrayals, he had already jumped to the assumption that everyone was just going to kill each other, given the chance.
"Sup, bro?" he drawled as Papyrus was upon them.
YOU KNOW WHAT "SUP," BROTHER! IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T… RECALIBRATED. YOUR. PUZZLES! YOU JUST HANG AROUND OUTSIDE YOUR STATION! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!"
Oh, Paps, it's been a lot longer than eight days since I touched those old things. "Staring at this lamp. It's really cool. Do you wanna look?" A part of him wished Papyrus would, that they could just take the timeline's script and throw it to the ground, crushing it under the curiosity that weighed on his neck. But it was really up to him and Frisk to break the norm. Sure, there were minor differences in every timeline, but it's not like anyone else had enough knowledge to be curious.
He wondered, as Papyrus was saying something or other about getting recognition, why Frisk hadn't broken the timeline script yet. Okay, coming back to slaughter everyone wasn't exactly sticking to the script, but it was a script, and they had stuck to it. Despite their curiosity, they seemed to think the only way to change things was through the act of playing God. They assumed that the only significant changes could be made through life or death decisions rather than, y'know, saying something different… there were easier ways to get to know someone than killing them and/or their family.
Realizing Papyrus had stopped speaking, and that he wasn't sure how long ago, Sans scrambled to cover his mistake. "Uh, hmm… maybe this lamp will help you?"
Shit, that's not a question, is it?
Papyrus didn't seem to notice; he carried on like usual, calling Sans lazy and accusing him of boondoggling… what was boondoggling? Sans had always meant to ask, or look it up, or something, but had never gotten around to it. Maybe Paps did have a point with that whole 'lazy' thing.
I have a pun here, right? "Hey, take it easy," he said to his brother, who had stopped stomping the snow in frustration, but looked a lot more tense than someone without muscles should be able to be. "I've gotten a ton of work done today."
Papyrus glared at him; he didn't need to remember the resets to know what was coming next. The glare was both pleading and warning, a silent dare to finish the thought. Sans, of course, was always up for a dare.
"A skele- ton ." He briefly turned away from Papyrus, taking just enough time to wink into the forest, as though there was an audience there. And maybe there was; after all, the Underground was full of kids, and they did like to explore the forest, so it wouldn't have surprised Sans to find a gaggle of kids hidden away in the skeletal trees and bushes. Heh, skeletal… I oughta use that if I remember it.
"SANS!"
"Come on. You're smiling."
Papyrus digressed, admitting to the smile so quickly that the moment was over before it began. Following this admission was another spiel about hard work and recognition (RECOGNITION, SANS!).
"Wow, sounds like you're really working yourself… down to the bone." This time, on a split-second decision, he turned the other way, shrugging for Frisk. They had turned to look at him, their shape no longer fitting the lamp in such a perfectly convenient way, but it didn't really matter; it wasn't like Papyrus would have noticed in his current state. He had thrown his arms up in exasperation and left, making what was, admittedly, a pretty good pun. Upon his departure, Frisk had stirred from behind the lamp, ready to step back toward him. His eyes flicked to them with a warning glance, and they stopped just as Papyrus came strolling triumphantly back into the clearing for one final, "HEH," and departed once more.
"Ok, you can come out now."
He eyed Frisk as they came near, but apparently not nearly as covertly as he thought, as Frisk immediately began signing again.
Sans, I'm not going to hurt anyone. I'm not going hurt him. I promise.
"I never said you were, kiddo."
You didn't have to. You know what I've done, Sans. I know what I've done. But I won't do it again. I promise.
"Gee, kid, you sure make an awful lot of promises for someone who doesn't speak."
Shut up, Sans. I'm being serious.
"And here I thought you were being Frisk."
Rather than replying, Frisk reached out and smacked him across the arm. Hard.
"Hey, take it easy. What if you'd killed me there?" he joked.
I know what it takes to kill you.
He felt his pupils blink out of existence, and he snapped his gaze to their face, searching for any sign of redness. "Uh, kiddo? You wouldn't happen to be, y'know, channeling a child demon or anything right now, would ya?"
Sorry, that was kind of rude. I shouldn't scare you like that.
"Apology accepted, kid, but you, uh, didn't answer my question."
No. Chara isn't here… They frowned. I don't think they are, at least.
"Well, good. I guess you got ahead of them, so, uh, don't stay in one place for too long? Y'know, you never really told me how this all works… or how they, uh, got into your head in the first place."
Do… I need to?
The kid looked distressed. Like, really distressed. Sans had seen that look precisely three times - that he could remember, at least - and one of them had been when Toriel (he was pretty sure that was her name, now) asked Frisk why they flinched whenever they hugged her. It was the look of someone with a secret, and a secret they really didn't want to share, at that. He supposed he'd have to pry it out sooner or later, for everyone's safety, if not for Frisk's own. Forcing his pupils to rematerialize, he put his hands up.
"No, not unless you want to. It might help, though."
No, they affirmed, shaking their head, I don't think it would.
"Suit yourself, kid, but you oughta get going. He might come back, and if he does, you'll have to sit through more of my hilarious jokes."
Wasting no time, Frisk spun on their heel and strode off, and eager bounce in their step. Sans had no way of knowing exactly why Frisk reset, or if they really felt bad about it at all, but there was no denying that they were having fun, right here and now. Sans had often wondered if, despite their determination to reach the surface, Frisk had really wanted to leave the Underground at all. Had there not been a kill order on them, would they have simply… stayed? Another thing he didn't know was how they came to be in the Underground in the first place, but seeing as they had nowhere to go when they surfaced, he presumed the reasons for their arrival weren't exactly of the adventurous and accidental nature.
"Actually, hey," he called, just as they set foot outside the clearing. "Hate to bother ya, but can you do me a favor?"
Now, usually, Frisk stayed silent here, waiting for him to continue. But they seemed bent of doing things differently, and so they, of course, had to interrupt. Had Sans been a human, reading someone's hands from that far away would have been difficult, but, being a monster, he understood perfectly.
Anything. Anything, Sans.
He chuckled to himself. No one could say the kid wasn't eager to please. "I was thinking… my brother's been a bit down lately...(I've been a bit down lately)...He's never seen a human before...(you know why)... and seeing you might just make his day. Don't worry. He's not dangerous…(even if you are)... even if he tries to be. Thanks a million. I'll be up ahead."
Without another word, he turned and sauntered off into the forest. Hopefully, the kid wouldn't be too preoccupied with certain, say, violent, tasks, and would be continuing on through the forest shortly. Once out of Frisk's sight, he hopped over to the next path and waited for Papyrus.
His brother arrived shortly and, if he remembered correctly, precisely on time. He strode up from behind Sans and announced, "I HAVE FINISHED BUILDING MY NEWEST SENTRY STATION. IT IS VERY GREAT AND FITTING FOR SOMEONE AS GREAT AS I. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT, SANS?"
"I'm sure it's great paps, but why bother building new sentry stations? Don't we already have, hmm... five? There's only two of us."
"THE CANINE UNIT HAS ASKED ME TO STOP ATTENDING TO THEIR POSTS. I WAS GOING TO TALK TO UNDYNE ABOUT IT, BUT I DECIDED THAT SUCH A PLAN WOULD NOT BE VERY SELF-SUFFICIENT. I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM VERY AMBITIOUS, SO I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. UNDYNE HAS NOT BEEN PLEASED ENOUGH WITH MY WORK YET TO ALLOW ME ENTRY TO THE ROYAL GUARD, BUT I AM SURE THAT IF SHE SEES ENOUGH-"
A rustle from near the far trees startled Papyrus, but, seeing nothing, he continued. "SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT UNDYNE," he began. Another rustling noise alerted him to Frisk's presence, and he turned in surprise.
As he turned back to Sans, Sans turned to face the human, and when he turned back, Papyrus turned. They kept this up for a while, the smile on Sans' face growing wider as he watched his brother get dizzy as he spun like a top. Finally, they came to rest facing Frisk, and Papyrus' voice came out louder than ever.
"SANS! OH MY GOD! IS THAT… A HUMAN!?"
Before Sans could respond, Papyrus continued, "AND IT LOOKS SO FAMILIAR…!"
This caused Sans' smile to falter and his head to whip around, looking up at the taller skeleton. He remembers? He has the Deja Vu, at least… Did he recognize them in the other timelines? Sans wracked his brain for any recollection of Papyrus showing timeline retention, but came up empty. He was a little glad, he realized; as desperately as he wanted someone to talk to about the resets, he wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of all Papyrus. Recovering from his momentary shock, he drawled out, "Uhhh… I think it looks familiar… because it's a rock?" At least there was still a way to recover the joke.
"OH." Papyrus sounded dejected, so Sans shrugged and let the joke go faster than usual.
"Hey, what's that in front of the rock?"
"OH MY GOD!" He turned and leaned over slightly, cupping one hand around his mouth and dropping his voice. "Is… Is That A Human?"
Sans followed suit, mimicking his brother's hushed tone, whispered, "Yes," and was nearly blown over by the change in volume that followed.
"OH MY GOD! SANS! I FINALLY DID IT! UNDYNE WILL… I'LL BE SO…"
He let Papyrus' loud ramblings fade into the background again as he pondered why his brother was so desperate for Undyne's approval. Was it not enough that Sans was proud of him? Did he even know that Sans was proud of him? It was, he supposed, kind of his fault that Papyrus had gone to Undyne in the first place.
"SANS, WHY NOT?"
"Look, Paps, bein' a sentry could be dangerous. I don't want you gettin' hurt."
"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
"Gerson and I, we've got this, uh, arrangement. My job's not that dangerous, but it's one of a kind." Honestly, his job might have been given to him out of pity. After all, could Gerson have really turned down a kid who was just trying to provide for his little brother?
"I DON'T NEED A NOT-DANGEROUS JOB. I AM VERY STRONG, AND WOULD SURELY DEFEAT ANY DANGERS."
"It's not that I don't believe in you, paps," he had said, his voice low and quiet from exhaustion. "I just don't think there's any openings in the guard. I'm not even a part of the guard, and they probably don't want to make up another job. It'd just mean one more monster to pay."
"I WOULD DO IT SIMPLY FOR THE HONOR."
"Paps, can we just talk about this later? Trust me, I'd talk to someone about it if I could, but that Undyne girl just became captain of the guard, so she's kinda my boss now, and I kinda don't know her very well." He had sighed and gotten up, wanting nothing more than to just go to sleep. "Besides, she lives all the way over in waterfall, and that's just soo far ," he finished with a yawn.
"FINE," Papyrus had grumbled, stalking out the door. Sans probably should have gone after him, or at least asked where he was going, but he had just been so tired . His magic control had been all over the place, and it was taking more than its fair share of his energy.
In the morning, Papyrus hadn't returned, and Sans, suffice to say, had freaked. He tore through the town, asking over and over if anyone had seen Papyrus, only to be greeted with a chorus of 'no's. Later, he had gotten a phone call from Undyne, and almost didn't answer it, expecting a lecture on being late, but instead got both relief and shock.
"Hey, Punk, why didn't you tell me your brother was coming over? At midnight?"
He had cringed, apologized, and groaned in the span of approximately 2 seconds.
"Nah, it's cool. Your bro's a pretty cool dude! He's super excited, anyway, and I could use a sparring partner. I told him I'd train him, if that's okay."
"Uh, sparring? That sounds a little… I mean, well…"
"You can say 'no', dude, but it'd probably crush your bro's heart. He's outside with the training dummy right now… though, now that I look at him, it seems like he might be… offering mercy or something."
"Whatever. Y'know, whatever Paps wants… if that's okay with you."
"Yeah!" Her voice grew distant, presumably as she pulled her head away from the phone. "Hey, Punk! Sans said yeah, I can train you!" Redirecting her words to Sans, she added, "I think you made him pretty happy," before hanging up.
When he came back to reality, Papyrus was off in the distance, 'Nyeh-heh-heh'ing his way to do… whatever Papyrus did during his day. It probably was puzzle-related, Sans decided. Frisk was still rooted to the spot, likely overwhelmed by Papyrus' old temperament. One thing Sans recalled from their life on the surface was that Papyrus had significantly calmed down over the years. He was still much louder and more present than humans - or any other monster, for that matter - but by Papyrus standards, it was a huge change.
"Well, that went well," he chuckled. "Don't sweat it kid. I'll keep an eyesocket out for ya."
He followed the distant figure of Papyrus, leaving the kid standing in the snow.
