A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. Been crazy times! Anyway, here is the next chapter. Hope you enjoy! I don't own anything but my own!
My First Christmas!
I was awoken the next morning when someone nudged my shoulder. I rolled over and opened one eye. Ma was standing above me wearing a red Santa hat and smiling like a crazy person. I one eye glared at her and then rolled back over and closed both eyes. Ma nudged me again and I growled at her. I rolled over on my back and opened my eyes. Ma was still smiling at me like a crazy person.
"I don't know whether to scream because you're crazy or laugh because you look crazy." Ma pushed me and sat down next to me.
"Smarty pants! It's Christmas! Time to get up." I rolled my eyes and looked over at my alarm clock. It was flashing 7:30am.
"It's too early to open presents. Can't I sleep until 9?" Ma shook her head and made the hat jingle.
"Mom is waiting downstairs." I rolled my eyes and sat up. Ma slid off my bed and held out her hand. I took her head and she pulled me up before pulling me into a hug. We headed downstairs and Mom was sleeping on the couch. I walked over and curled up next to her. I laid my head on her leg and closed my eyes. Ma was in the kitchen making coffee for her and Mom. They wouldn't allow me to drink coffee on a regular basis because caffeine wasn't good for me.
Ma came into the room and shook Mom awake. I sat up when she shook her leg. Ma handed Mom a cup of coffee and then grabbed our stockings. She handed me my stocking and then Mom hers. I slid onto the floor and dumped the contents of my stocking onto the coffee table. Mom and Ma did the same. I had gotten some non-chocolate candy, a CD and a DVD. I looked at what they had gotten and realized that Ma must have given me all the non-chocolate candy and put the chocolate my stocking into hers and mom's.
"I wanted this CD!" I read the back of the Pink CD the mom's had gotten me.
"That's what Lizzie said when I asked her," Ma said. I rolled my eyes and laughed. I should have known the mom's didn't pick it out on their own.
Mom got up and began handing out presents. We all opened the presents and then I began stock piling what I got. The mom's had gotten me some new clothes, a few more CDs and DVDs and a new IPod. Mine had broken sometime the week before and I was very depressed. They also got me an ornament, a new pair of shoes and a surprise that I couldn't open until later.
Ma got some jewelry and a picture of the three of us that Elliot had taken. It was just after thanksgiving and an unusually warm day. The Stablers' had invited us to go to the park with them and play touch football. We all thought it would be fun so we went. Elliot took the picture when Ma's team was about to lose and she grabbed me to stop me from getting another touchdown. Instead of taking the flag from me she grabbed my waist to pull me down. Mom who was on my team had a hold of Ma and was trying to get her let go. Elliot snapped the picture as we were all falling because Ma couldn't keep her balance.
Mom had gotten some jewelry too and also a picture of the three of us. I had also gotten her a scrapbooking kit because she was always taking photos. The picture mom had been one that Fin had taken at my birthday party. It was of the three of us sitting together. I was sitting on Ma's lap and Mom was leaning on her. It was the first picture of the three of us.
"Thanks for the pictures… Where did you get them?" Ma asked. She moved from the chair to sit next to Mom on the couch.
"I cannot reveal my sources… Even though Elliot and Fin do take good pictures." I laughed. Ma and Mom laughed with me and I moved to sit in between them. Ma moved over so I could fit. I stared at the pile of stuff in front of me and thought about how it would all had to be packed up. Ma must have noticed the change in my face because she scooted closer to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
"Penny for your thoughts," Ma said. I looked at her and shook my head.
"My thoughts are worth at least fifty cent." Mom laughed and Ma pushed her. Ma then stared at me to answer. When I didn't she reached for her wallet on the end table and handed me a five dollar bill.
"Here, I have no change so the next nine are free." I rolled my eyes and took the money.
"I was just thinking about how we were going to have to pack all this stuff up… I just finished unpacking my room. Couldn't you have decided to move before I unpacked?" The mom's burst out laughing. Ma gave me a side hug before Mom hugged me.
"We are sorry… Next time we'll give you two weeks' notice." I nodded my head before sliding off the couch and grabbing my stuff. I carried it up to my room so I could change. I changed my clothes and then began putting my new stuff away. Before tossing all the new clothes in the hamper to be washed I walked out of my room to the top of the stairs.
"Hey Ma, did you wash all the new clothes before wrapping them?" I yelled. Ma appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"No but if you toss them down I will throw them in." I nodded my head and went back into the room. I grabbed them all and carried them to the laundry chute. I tossed them all down and then went back to the top of the stairs.
"Thanks Ma!" I yelled before I went back into my room. I finished putting away my new CDs. The mom's had not only gotten me a Pink CD but also two Martina McBride CDs, a Sheryl Crow CD and a compilation CD that had the Grammy hits from last year on it. I grabbed the DVDs I had gotten and took them down to the study. I stuck them in with Mom's DVDs. I also hooked my IPod up to Ma's laptop so I could download my music to it.
Mom came walking while I was working on it. She sat down behind her desk and just watched me. I finished picking out playlists and then stood up to let it download and charge. I walked over and hopped up on Mom's desk.
"Hey, are you having a good day so far?" Mom asked. I nodded my head.
"Yes ma'am… Everything has been great…" Mom leaned forward and laid her hand on top of mine.
"I feel a 'but' coming on." I shrugged my shoulders and stared down at my feet. I was running around without socks on again. Ma was going to have a conniption.
"I don't know… I feel bad because I'm not sad that my mom's not here… I mean my old mom. I just feel like I'm supposed to be more upset and not so happy to be where I am." Mom scooted so she was directly in front of me. She bent over so I had to make eye contact with her.
"Chayse, you have nothing to feel bad about… I know you loved your mom but she made her choices and you couldn't stop her… I'm not saying your feelings aren't justified but you are doing nothing wrong." I nodded my head and she hugged me. She scooted back so I could hop off the desk.
"Thanks… By the way you are a way better mom than she ever was," I said as I walked out of the office. I sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV. Ma was upstairs in the shower; I could hear the water running. I flipped through the channels but when nothing was on I turned the TV back off.
I stared at the window. I missed my mom sometimes. Mom and Ma were great but sometimes there was that rare memory of when she was actually really great and it's those times that I miss. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I accepted Ma and Mom's help. I replaced her with them. Except for their nothing like her because they love me unconditionally 100% of the time no matter what my past is, or at least that's what they say. I knew my mom could never say that to me. She never loved me 100% of the time. At least she never told me. I keep wondering if this makes me a bad person.
I was lost in thought when Ma tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped and looked over at her. She smiled at me and I half smiled back. She sat down next to me and held out her hand. She was holding another five.
"I was thinking about my mom… my old one," I said. I folded her hand closed with the five still in it.
"What about her?" I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the window.
"I was just thinking about how I'm a horrible daughter because I let you guys replace her. I love being here with you more than I liked being with her. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong. I feel like I'm eventually going to be punished because I just let Miranda be forgotten. I let my past go… Does that make me a horrible person?" I whispered out the last part but I knew Ma could hear me. She had already pulled me closer to her. She kissed the side of my head and I leaned onto her shoulder. I wiped away the tear that threatened to fall.
"You are NOT a bad person. Do you hear me? No one has forgotten your mom… I know you will always love her and I'm happy about that. Chayse, I know more about what you went through than you realize…"
"When you lived with Grandma Benson?" Ma pulled back a little and looked at me shocked. I'd known Serena Benson before we moved and she was weird. She scared me but as I got older my mom told me stories about Ma's past. Miranda had always kept up on Ma's life. We knew that Serena had died and everything. Miranda had told me stories from when Ma was little.
"Yes, she wasn't the greatest mom either. I loved her and hated her all at once. I was devastated when she died but I was also slightly relieved… I'm glad we were able to put your past behind you but we only want you to move on from the bad memories not the good ones. Keep the good memories with you. Cherish them… If it was anything like my life they were few and far between… Always remember you are not a horrible person. You're a sweet kid who got the bad end of the deal but is trying to make it better. Hopefully we'll be able to." Ma kissed the top of my head and then rested her head on mine. I wrapped my arms around her and she hugged me back.
Ma and I sat there until Mom came out and told us was time to go. She didn't know what we were talking about but she knew it wasn't good because we both had red eyes when we pulled apart.
"You two okay?" Mom asked. I nodded my head and then walked over and gave her a hug.
"Thank you for helping me." Mom hugged me back and kissed the top of my head. She looked at Ma and Ma was wiping her eyes.
"You're welcome… I love you, kid. I just want you to be happy." I nodded my head again and then went upstairs to grab my shoes.
When I came back down Ma and Mom were standing by the door in their coats. They must have talked because I was getting that 'poor kid' look from both of them. I walked over and Ma handed me my coat. I put it on and we left the apartment for the 1-6.
We got to the 1-6 and it was decorated in lights. We headed up to the floor Ma worked on and walked through the double doors into a winter wonderland. They had sprinkled fake snow around the floor. I guess it was making up for us not having real snow. Everyone was already there. They had set up a food table in the corner which was where Mom headed with the food she'd made. Ma and I went over and tossed our coats on her desk. They had pushed all the desks to one side. There were a few tables set up for people to eat at and an area for people to dance. They'd even brought in a bar to have someone serve drinks from. A DJ was playing music made it the perfect Christmas party.
I sat down in Ma's chair and watched as people mingled with each other. I was excited to be there but still felt bad because of my mom. I wanted to enjoy today but my head was making it hard because it was making me feel crappy. Elliot came over and sat down on Ma's desk. I looked up at him and he smiled at me.
"Hey Kid, how's your first Christmas?" I shrugged my shoulders.
"Okay, I miss my mom." Elliot looked at me confused. He pointed to Mom.
"She's right over there. You want me to get her for you." I shook my head and stared at Mom laughing with Cragen.
"I meant my old mom. Miranda…" Elliot nodded in understanding.
"Got it… did you tell Liv and Alex?" I nodded my head. I scanned the room for Ma and found her talking with Munch and Fin.
"Yea, I told them both… Do you think I'm a bad person because I let them replace her?" Elliot looked at me and shook his head.
"No way, you are far from being a bad person. The people we put away are bad… You are a kid who got stuck in a crappy situation and now you are trying to make that situation better and Liv and Alex want to help. Everyone knows you still love your mom. I would never think you're a bad person." I nodded my head and stood up. I gave Elliot a hug and he kissed my cheek.
"Thanks Elliot, no wonder Ma talks to you when she's feeling down… You give some good advice." Elliot hugged me again and we both went to talk to people.
I walked over to Mom and Cragen. Cragen pulled me into a hug and then pulled a card out of his jacket pocket. He handed it to me and I opened it inside was a $100 gift card to one of my favorite stores. I hugged him again and then tucked the card into my pocket.
"Merry Christmas, sweetheart. You're like a granddaughter to me and grandpa's get to spoil their grandchildren. You are totally worth that money." I hugged him one last time.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'm gonna have so much fun spending this!" Mom laughed as she watched. Everyone was staring at us. Ma came over to see what the excitement was about.
"What are you going to have fun spending?" I pulled the gift card out of my back pocket and handed it to her. She looked at it with a shocked expression before tucking it into her own pocket.
"Hey thief, give it back!" Ma held up her hand to stop me from reaching into her pocket.
"I'll keep a hold of it… Besides Cap'n it's really too much money for one girl… Maybe we should split the card up for Elliot's daughters." I crossed my arms and glared at Ma. Cragen shook his head and I smiled at him.
"I already gave Elliot their gift cards. That's all for the kid… Just spend it on something good." I nodded my head and smiled at Ma. She rolled her eyes and then pulled me away from them. She pulled me over to Fin and Munch. I gave both of them a hug and they each handed me a gift. So far this party was great. I'd gotten gifts from everyone but Elliot.
"Thanks!" I opened the gifts to find two more gift cards from each of them. Munch's was being held by a stuffed bear with a Santa hat on and Fin's was taped to a Jay-Z CD. I smiled at Fin knowing why he had bought me the CD. Ma groaned and took the CD to see what songs were on it. My favorite song, 'Empire State of Mind' was on it. Mom hated that song but Ma and I loved it. She knew I'd annoy Mom with it before she'd have to take away my IPod and delete it.
"No problem, Kid. Just make sure not to annoy the adults with it." I rolled my eyes but Ma gave Fin a hug thanks. I hugged Fin and Munch once more before going back over and sitting at Ma's desk.
I set everything on Ma's desk and watched as the squad interacted. It was understandable why they all got along so well. They were perfect for each other. Cragen was the father figure, Munch the crazy uncle, Fin and Elliot were the brothers, and Ma and Mom were the daughters/ sisters that everyone wants to protect but also knows that they can handle themselves. I was the granddaughter/ niece/ daughter. I had never been part of such a close family. It felt good but was also scary because I was afraid that once people got to know me better they wouldn't want me around.
I watched everyone mingle with each other. Melinda had shown up and a couple of other people I didn't know. I was busy watching everyone I didn't notice Elliot sneak up behind me. I was standing by Ma's desk getting ready to go get something to eat when he kissed my cheek. I spun around and kicked him before thinking about it. I landed my foot in his no-no zone. Elliot went down and I covered my mouth with my hands. I was partly trying not to laugh and partly trying not be embarrassed. Everyone looked over and Elliot let out a groan. I turned around and looked at everyone before taking off for the stairs to the cribs. Ma was hot on my heels. I could hear her following me up the steps. I went into the cribs and sat down on one of the cots.
I was sitting with my face buried in my hands when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and busted out laughing when I saw Ma standing there. She was trying not to laugh. She eventually lost her battle and sat down next to me laughing. I wiped my eyes and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to kick him. He just snuck up behind me and…" Ma nodded her head. She understood because she was the one who taught me to kick men in the no-no zone.
"You kicked him," Ma supplied finishing my statement. I nodded my head and had to hold my breath to not laugh again.
"Then when everyone looked at me I felt embarrassed so I came up here." Ma nodded her head again.
"You shouldn't be embarrassed… You're a little more jumpy than other people but that's a good thing in my book. You air on the side of caution." I nodded my head as I laid it on her shoulder.
"I still feel bad though." Ma stood up and then held her hand out to me. I took it and she pulled me up before pulling me into a hug.
"Then I'm feeling a need for you to apologize." I rolled my eyes but nodded my head.
Ma and I went back down to the party and I apologized to Elliot. He apologized for scaring me and said he should have realized I would be more jumpy. He also gave me my present. I opened it and inside was a California Lakers jersey. I laughed as he rolled his eyes. We'd been arguing over which the best team was. I was right but he would never admit that. I hugged him and then went to get some food with Ma.
We all partied the night away. Everyone had a good time but I grew tired after dancing with Fin and Elliot. I curled up in Ma's chair while her and Mom kept dancing with everyone. Ma eventually woke me up saying it was time to go. I nodded my head but didn't move.
"Come on, Squirrel! It's time to go home." Ma tried to pull me off the chair but I held on. I hated being woken up.
"Leave me alone! I'm sleeeeping!" Ma pulled my arm again and I fell off the chair. She caught me before I fell completely. I leaned on her and she led me to the car. When we got home I stumbled into the house. I went up to my room and fell into bed. I was smiling to myself as I thought about the day I had. Even though I was way beyond tired I couldn't stop thinking about how my first Christmas was perfect!
