Pan Am – "More Love Than Two Can Handle"
Babysitting
v1.0.1 (June 25, 2013)
"And then Carl said this: With the three new Clippers coming in in June, and Captain Daniels going on pension at the end of May, they'll need at least four or maybe even five new captains to cover all their flights. Two of them may come from outside Pan Am, but the rest will be recruited from our own first officers, and they will pick them who have spent the most hours in the air. I know for sure that of all the first officers, only Jefferson and Blight have more hours in their books than I have. And here comes the best thing: Jeff Davidson's wife is ill, so she has to spend four weeks in Saratoga Springs for treatment, and Davidson will accompany her. Davidson sits on Dick Crampton's right seat, who happens to be a friend from Navy days. I talked to both of them, and I checked the schedules, and then we all talked to the base manager, and the outcome is: I will fill in for Davidson and take over half of his flights in May, in addition to my regular flights with Dean. So, when it will be time to decide who becomes captain in June, I will have more hours than Blight and nearly as much as Jefferson."
Ted grinned like a Cheshire cat when he finished his story and looked at his listeners, waiting for their reaction.
"Oh darling, that is fantastic! I'm so happy for you! Your biggest dream will finally come true." Amanda was all smiles when she heard about her husband's great prospect, and she reached across the table to hold his hand in affection.
Laura was so happy, she couldn't even say a word. She folded her hands in happy excitement, her mouth stood open in joy, and her eyes were wide open. Then she bent over and pressed a warm kiss on Ted's cheek, and when he turned his head, their lips met and they shared a long and passionate kiss. With sincere sympathy Amanda watched them kiss, still holding Ted's hand.
It was the first warm day in April, and Laura, Amanda, and Ted were sitting on the apartment's balcony, enjoying the warm sun. From time to time, Amanda turned towards the crib that was standing near the door in the living room. She had fed Teddy Junior before they sat down for coffee, and now he was having his afternoon nap. He was eight months old now and at the sweet spot of his sleeping habits – he was still sleeping a lot, and he was crying less than when he had been younger. Laura enjoyed to watch Ted and Amanda with the baby. They both loved their son, and Laura understood what Amanda had meant when she told her about how happy Ted was whenever he was with his son. Back then, Amanda had cited this as a contrast to other times, times when Ted had been unhappy in his marriage. But this times had become seldom in the past three months. Laura was still surprised how right Ted's wife had been about what she could add to their relationship. She was with Ted, and that made him happy. When Ted was happy, Amanda was happy, too. In this mood, they both really enjoyed being together and sharing their lives. And being part of this made Laura happy, she admitted to herself.
For Laura, this had not come naturally. At the first day of the year 1965, when Amanda had laid out her thoughts about the three of them, Laura had not embraced what she was proposing. After all, she had thought, she would still be a married man's mistress. But then, she had been exactly that for over three months and it had felt better than she would have ever expected. Laura had left Ted and Amanda that day without saying anything, but the next day, she had come back and they had have dinner together. Sitting at one table, together with her lover and his wife, had not been easy at first. By now, Laura couldn't think of a better way to spend her time than sharing it with Ted and Amanda. She enjoyed that she was together with Ted, the man she was in love with, and she enjoyed being with Amanda, who had become a good friend. She felt that she was now part of something that was bigger than the love Ted and she had, and she had realized that this made her very happy. It was exactly as Amanda had predicted.
And now, things were getting even better. With Ted becoming a captain, the last thing that had bothered him – that he was still only wearing three stripes –, would finally be overcome. She was really happy for him. But then, an unpleasant thought crossed her mind.
"But Ted," she began with sobered voice, "when you become a captain, you will captain of your own crew…"
"Yes, I will!" Ted confirmed happily. "I will be captain, and I will have a first officer sitting at my right hand…"
"Exactly, and you will have your own crew of stewardesses. But I will still be in Dean's crew, and then we will no longer be able to work together, to travel together."
Laura had become serious now, and Amanda became, too, when she understood what Laura was afraid of. Ted, on the contrary, didn't seem to be bothered by this at all.
"Laura, why should you have to stay in Dean's crew? You will transfer to my crew, and nothing will change."
"How can you be so sure that I will be transferred to your crew?" Laura asked. Ted just smiled at her.
"You are working for Pan Am for two years now, Laura. By now, you must know that, while there is no official way a captain can pick his stewardesses, unofficially everybody does it. And not only the captains pick their crew, just remember how you ended up in your sister's crew! And even if this alone might be no guarantee, we have friends with influence. We can talk to Maggie, so that she asks Broyles to help us. There is nothing Broyles can't get done at Pan Am headquarters. And you can ask Kate to help us. After all, she must have some contacts of her own, or how else did she get this position in Paris?"
"I don't know, she has never told me about this." Laura answered Ted's rhetorical question. She calmed down. "You are probably right, we can arrange the transfer. But what will the others think about this? Won't they get suspicious about us?"
"Why should they?" Amanda weighed in. "You are just good friends, and in his first crew, it is only natural for Ted to wish for having at least one familiar person with him." Amanda laughed in jolly amusement. "Only because you are a couple in love, that doesn't mean that everybody can see it written all over your faces, at least not if you are a little bit discreet."
In this regard, Laura and Ted had done a pretty good job over the last six or seven months. Sure, Amanda had know about their affair from the first day on. But even Laura's sister Kate, her roommate Maggie, and Colette, who not only all knew Laura better than her own mother, but who also all knew about what had happened at New Year's Eve of 1964, didn't suspect anything. And Ted's best friend Dean was even more unsuspecting. He knew that Ted was not in the loving marriage he had wished for. And so, acting as he thought a best friend should do, Dean had repeatedly introduced Ted to women that wouldn't say 'no' to having an affair with a pilot. In a strange way, Amanda even was amused by the reports Ted gave about his friend's efforts, although Laura felt far less at ease with this particular consequence of their perfect camouflage. But if this was the price she had to pay, Laura was perfectly fine with it as long as she was together with Ted. After all her worries had been cleared by Amanda and Ted, Laura leaned over to Ted again and shared another long and deep kiss with him.
"Well," Amanda suddenly said, "I have used up the last coffee when I made this. I better go and get some new, so that we'll have some for tomorrow. And then, I also need some ingredients for dinner. I'm sorry, I know this shouldn't happen to a good housewife, but I just forgot to buy everything I need." Amanda apologetically smiled at Laura and Ted and then stood up. "Would you be so kind as to watch for Teddy Junior while I'm away? I'm afraid it might take a little bit longer, it's rush hour by now…"
Amanda was already in her coat when she finished her last sentence, and only seconds later the apartment door closed behind her. Without checking, Laura knew that Amanda's keys were still lying on the small cabinet next to the door, where Amanda had 'accidentally' left them. When returning, she would have to knock and wait for Ted to open the door.
After the last three months, this was the last thing left Laura was uncomfortable with when spending time with both Ted and Amanda together. At her first visits, Laura had restrained herself from any inappropriate display of affection towards Ted. She and Ted had played exactly the same roles they played in front of their crew and friends, and any other person in public: the roles of good friends. For Laura, just being with Ted had been more than enough to make her feel happy.
But Amanda had seemed to be not satisfied by this arrangement. For several times she had expressed her wish for honesty in their friendship to Laura and had repeated her invitation to stop hiding her true self. Amanda had never gone so far as to ask them to kiss in front of her, but over time, Laura had understood that Amanda felt lied to when she and Ted acted to her the same way they acted to strangers in public. When she had kissed Ted for the first time in Amanda's presence – or rather, for the first time after New Year's Eve –, Laura had watched Amanda's reaction closely. She had seen joy on her face, and since then, Laura and Ted no longer hid their love from Amanda.
And then, Amanda had started to regularly leave the two of them alone under pretext. At the first time this had happened, Laura had taken it as the moment to leave, as a guest would leave when her host happened to have an appointment. But Amanda had emphatically asked her to stay with Ted. When Laura had finally grasped her intention, she had been so embarrassed that she had left anyway. In the last eight weeks, Amanda had left Laura and Ted alone many times, and Laura had stayed with Ted.
Ted for his part didn't seem bothered at all. He intensified his kiss and placed his right hand on Laura's cheek. One moment later, his left hand rested on Laura's thigh. As she had experience many times before, Laura felt the tender comfort that was powerful enough to make all the worries vanish. And after all, they had reason to celebrate. They enjoyed the moment for some more seconds, and then Ted stood up and went over to Teddy Junior's crib. Carefully, to not wake up his son, he pushed it out of the living room into the baby's bedroom.
Laura had gotten used to Amanda leaving for this specific purpose and enjoyed what would be happening now, but there was one thing she was very strict about: she would not enter Ted and Amanda's bedroom, and she would not disrespect their marital bed. Ted had revealed to Laura that, in fact, he and Amanda used their bed for nothing more than sleeping, but Laura had her principles. In consequence of this, Laura laid down on the larger of the two sofas in the living room while Ted was still in his son's room.
When he came back, Laura smiled at him invitingly, and he returned her look and joined her on the couch. Laura had not yet taken off any of her clothes, on purpose so, because she knew how much Ted enjoyed unbuttoning her blouse. At the same time, she also enjoyed the feeling of his hands on her body as he now worked his way down from her collar to her waistline. He was much faster when it came to removing his own shirt, and Laura took advantage of the time to open her bra. As always when she was off duty, Laura didn't wear the girdle that was part of her Pan Am uniform, so with the bra out of the way, Ted was now perfectly able to do the rest of the undressing.
In Tehran, when they had spent their first night together, Ted had been very gentle and tender with Laura, exactly as she had expected him to be. She had lost her virginity some time before, but Ted was nevertheless only the second man she had ever had slept with. She had felt insecure, and maybe even Ted had felt so, after all the troublesome months before this night. So he had been cautious, and Laura had thanked him for this.
But then, after they had both gained experience with each other, Ted had cautiously tested how Laura reacted when he was no longer holding himself back. He had gripped her harder, had moved faster, had increased the force in his movements. And Laura had discovered what sex was really like, and she enjoyed it. She liked his hands squeezing her breasts, his firm grip on her buttocks, and the powerful thrusts he sent through her body's center.
With the sleeping baby in mind, she suppressed the lustful moaning that was growing in her chest. While her right hand was grabbing for the back of the sofa, her left hand grabbed Ted at every part of his body she could reach. Laura bit on her tongue to stop herself from screaming out loud. But then she reached the point at which she could no longer control herself. A sharp scream escaped her throat. She quickly bit in Ted's shoulder, muting herself during the most intense sensation. When her body relaxed again after the experience, she sunk back on the couch, and Ted followed her.
Laura expected to hear the baby cry in answer to her scream, but the apartment was quiet, including her and Ted. Sharing a long kiss, they both were slowly recovering in silence, and for some minutes, they just laid on the couch, feeling the heat radiating from their nude bodies and enjoying the closeness of the person they each loved.
"I'm sorry for the bite, I was overwhelmed by the moment. I hope Amanda won't see the marks, that would be so embarrassing."
"Don't worry, she won't see them. We don't see each other naked." Ted assured Laura.
Laura looked over to the clock. She had left one hour ago. Laura had always made sure to leave before Ted's wife returned, but Amanda usually used to be away for about two hours, so Laura had enough time to dress and leave before she came back.
"Ted, what do you think, how is Amanda spending her time when she is away like this?"
"Well, she is probably shopping for groceries, as she said."
Obviously, Ted had never spent much time on thinking about this, and Laura thumped him in his ribs.
"Don't be so insensitive!" Laura scolded him. "I feel bad when I think about her, alone and lonely, wandering through the city just to kill time until we are done, all the time thinking about what we are doing."
Ted sighed softly at his lovers dark thoughts just now. He caressed her arm, her neck, and her cheek, thinking about what to answer to this.
"Maybe she is seeing someone." he then speculated.
"What do you mean, she is maybe seeing someone? Someone like a friend, or someone like another man?"
Laura straightened up on the sofa and looked at Ted in surprise. It had never occurred to her that Amanda could maybe have someone in her life other than Ted.
"Neither." Ted answered monosyllabically. "I've told you about her and about the talk we had when we were planning our wedding."
Laura remembered when Ted had explained to her what it was that made it impossible for Amanda to love him, and what Maggie had told her about that. Amanda herself had hinted at this issue one or two times, when she talked to Laura about the pain of hiding one's true self.
"So, you mean she is having a girlfriend? That there is a woman she loves and meets with when we are together?"
"And when we are away on a flight, yes, I think so." Ted nodded and then stood up to get his pants that were lying on the floor. "You know, sometimes, I even hope so for her. It has taken some time for me to realize it, but our marriage hasn't been better for her than it has been for me. Now, the last three months have been happier times, but more so for me than for her."
Ted turned back to Laura, who was still sitting on the couch, covering her chest with her arm, more in absence of mind than in shame. He stepped closer and knelt in front of her, and then he tenderly reached for her hand that was resting on her shoulder. He brought it to his mouth and kissed its back.
"Amanda and I, we have been friends, and we have become friends again, even better friends than we had been before our marriage. But having a good friend is not enough to be perfectly happy. That is why I am so glad that I have you, my love."
– – – –
"So, we set out for our girls' night in Paris, and Colette and Kate were arguing over which club they wanted to go to, and Maggie, Sue, and I, we were just following them like newly-hatched chicks following their mother hen. And then, when we finally arrived at the club, we suddenly noticed that Sue was missing! I tell you, Maggie was panicking! She retraced our steps, and all the time she was running and looking out for her, and she was constantly telling us that Sue would be fine, that she probably just was at the hotel. Maggie was constantly telling us to not worry, but she was the worst of us!"
Laura laughed and then paused for a moment.
"Honestly, in this moment I was worried, too, but more so because Maggie was panicking, and I couldn't remember when I had ever seen her in panic like this. And then, we were standing in front of this little brasserie, and there she was. Sue was sitting at a table, and across her sat this really handsome French man, and they were chatting over a glass of wine."
Laura laughed again, this time even harder, when she remembered the situation.
"Maggie rushed in there like a furious mother that had caught her young daughter with her first boyfriend. Poor Sue, that must have been so embarrassing, especially in front of this really nice looking French guy. He even tried to calm Maggie down, but she just got angry at him and shouted at both of them, mixing up English and French words and generally making a unbelievable scene. Colette and my sister and I were laughing so hard, we had to sit down. In the end, we stayed at this brasserie for the rest of the night. Maggie kept being angry for like an hour, but after our third bottle of wine, she was really sorry and even pledged to get Sue another man for the night to make good for it."
"Did she?" Amanda asked laughingly.
"No, she was too drunk to even stand up, let alone find a man. And I can tell you, when Maggie is too drunk to find a man, that means she really is drunk. Kate and I had to support her all the way back to our hotel, and Colette was taking care of Sue, because she was exactly as drunk as Maggie."
Laura and Amanda laughed at the end of Laura's story, and Teddy Junior joined them with a chuckling laughter of his own. He was sitting on Amanda's lap and enjoyed the bright mood his mother and his 'aunt' were in. His face got covered with smile wrinkles, and his cute, gurgleling laughter warmed Laura's heart.
Ted was on another of his additional flights, his sixth. He had only slept for a few hours after their return from Paris and then had gone right on to South America. During the whole month of May, Ted had been in New York for not more than five days. After the last eight months in which Laura and Ted had spent so much time together, this May was a new experience to Laura. But then, she and Ted were very lucky that they were able to spend so much time together, both at work and in private. And Laura was lucky in another respect, too: in Amanda she had found a good friend, and even with Ted out of town, they both met every day.
It was kind of ironic that Laura had to hide her friendship with Amanda from her friends at least as well as her affair with Ted. They all knew that Laura and Ted had been in love, and they had all witnessed the hard time they had had in the first half of 1964. Now, Laura and Ted had told their friends that they had gotten over their past and were friends again. They both acted their roles, and their friends believed this charade and were happy for them.
But it would have been far more challenging to convince them that Laura and Amanda, all of a sudden, had become friends. Especially Maggie, Laura's roommate and best friend, knew how much Laura had suffered and how much it had hurt her to see Ted with Amanda. No one had forgotten the afternoon when Laura had broken down into tears after having a talk with Amanda. Even if they were believing that Laura had no longer feelings for Ted – and they all were –, it was still a non-sequitur to automatically assume that she was over her problems with Amanda, too. Furthermore, Maggie and Colette could put themselves in Amanda's place, and from her perspective, Laura was a rival for Ted's heart. Why should Amanda befriend her?
For Maggie and Colette, it would have been impossible to understand what Laura and Amanda's relationship really was like. Even for Laura it wasn't easy to understand this, let alone explain it to her friends. There had been times when Laura had seen Amanda as her rival, and vice versa, although Amanda's feelings had probably been motivated by different aims than Laura's had been. Later, Laura had been on a roller coaster of feelings: she had hated Amanda for taking away Ted from her, she had envied her for having what she dreamt of, she had despised her for her embarrassing suggestion to become Ted's mistress, but she had also felt guilty for disrespecting her marriage and for deceiving her about her own feelings for Ted.
All those feelings had long gone. Amanda was Laura's friend now, a good friend, and maybe even her best friend. Kate was far away in Paris, and although Laura had the opportunities to see her sister relatively often, it happened not as often as Laura wished for. Maggie was Laura's roommate and they spent a lot of time together, but then, they both had very different personalities. And after all, Laura couldn't be truly honest with both of them, not about her relationship to Ted. The only person she wasn't hiding her love for Ted from was Amanda.
"Can I ask you a favor?" Amanda asked. She had checked her watch just a second ago. "I have an appointment, and I can't take Teddy Junior with me. Could you please babysit for only two hours?"
"Of course I will." Laura answered. She turned towards Teddy Junior: "We two will have a good time together, won't we?"
Amanda put the baby on Laura's lap and raised from the couch.
"You are doing me a really big favor." she said when she was taking her coat from the stand in the hall. "I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you very much."
Already in her coat, she came back into the living room to kiss her son goodbye, thankfully smiled at Laura, and then Amanda left the apartment. Laura turned toward Teddy Junior and started to play with him as Amanda had done. She enjoyed every second of the heartwarming time she spent with the baby and didn't at all take it as a burden.
But the situation also made her think about what was going on. It was the second time she was babysitting for Amanda in this month. They both had met for five times in Ted's absence, and for the second time, Amanda had left her alone with Teddy Junior. To Laura, it kind of felt like when Amanda was leaving Ted and her alone, but what did this mean? Was Amanda doing the same thing here? Was it her intention to give Laura more time with Teddy Junior, so that she could develop a better relationship with him? This didn't make any sense.
But if Amanda wasn't doing it for Laura's benefit, what for was she doing it? Maybe Ted had been right, maybe Amanda was seeing someone. It would make sense that she couldn't take Teddy Junior with her in this case, and it would also make sense that she wouldn't give up her regular rendezvous just because Ted was away doing extra work. If this was true, then all the time Amanda hadn't been using pretext to excuse herself leaving Ted and Laura alone, but on the contrary, Ted and Laura's love life had delivered her excuse and pretext for seeing her girlfriend.
'Her girlfriend.' Laura had to repeat this phrase in her mind for several times before she could comfortably use it in relation to Amanda. Laura had never before been directly confronted with a… woman who loved women. She could, however, imagine what her mother had to say about this 'abomination.' Back at the time when Laura had been angry at Amanda for stealing Ted, Maggie had told her about the kiss she had shared with Amanda, and Laura had thankfully incorporated this knowledge into her strong negative feelings for Amanda. Maggie and Colette had never been uneasy with Amanda and generally seemed to not bother at all, but Laura had been of a very negative opinion about Amanda, and in extent about her kind. Today, Laura felt ashamed for the what she had been thinking at this time. It reminded her of how she had wronged Joe because of the color of his skin. Laura knew Amanda was a good person, and loving women didn't make her a bad person. And love for itself could never be a bad thing, no matter who was in love with whom. Everyone who had ever felt love should understand this, and as a woman deeply in love with a married man, Laura could understand this probably even better.
But coming to terms with the fact that Amanda loved women didn't mean that Laura had come to terms with the thought of Amanda actually having a girlfriend. Intellectually, she could comprehend that Amanda loved Ted, but was not in love with him like Laura was in love with Ted. But still, Laura had gotten so used to think of the ensemble of Ted, Amanda, and herself as something that was complete and perfect, that she couldn't understand the thought that Amanda needed someone else to feel completed. There was another, different dimension in Laura's thoughts about this. After all of Amanda's pleas for honesty in their intimate group of three, after all those speeches she had given them about not hiding one's true self from the people that loved one, why was she not honest with Ted and Laura?
Laura tried to imagine what Amanda was doing right now. Maybe she was sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying some coffee and cake with her girlfriend. Or were they in a more private place, maybe in her girlfriend's apartment? Was Amanda kissing this other woman right now? Laura wasn't able to imagine what else Amanda and the other woman could be doing with each other, just thinking of them kissing exhausted her fantasy. But she understood that kissing was in the realm of possibility, because she knew that Amanda had kissed Maggie.
The other woman was probably very much like Maggie. A beautiful woman, who was spontaneous, open-minded and self confident, who was never afraid of doing what her heart told her to do, and who was very experienced in life and love. All that were traits Laura had always admired in Maggie. All that were traits Laura was lacking in. Laura was sure that Amanda had fallen in love with a woman who was like this, like Maggie – a woman who was nothing like Laura herself.
When Laura had reached this point of her thoughts, she realized that the strange feeling that was bothering her all the time was jealousy. She was even thinking of Amanda's girlfriend as 'the other woman'! But this couldn't be!
Laura tried to explore her feelings. She was thinking of Amanda as a good friend, and now her friend was in love with a different person. Colette was Laura's friend, and she was in love with Dean. But Laura didn't feel any jealousy when she thought of Colette and Dean. On the contrary, she was happy for her friend.
Maybe this wasn't about love, maybe this was all about friendship. Laura reminded herself of the first flight with Mary, the first young stewardess who had joined their crew after Kate had left at exactly the same time Colette had gone to France. At this night in Rome, Maggie had spent the whole evening with Mary, showing her the clubs, teaching her how to get free drinks, and giving her advice about Italian men. It had been the first night at which Maggie hadn't paid much attention to Laura, but had been solely focused on Mary. Laura undeniably had felt jealous. But she had felt much different than she was feeling now.
Laura involuntarily remembered the first time she had met Amanda. Ted had asked her to pose as his girlfriend. In retrospect, Laura knew that she had already been in love with Ted, but she hadn't admitted it to herself, yet. This charade Ted had asked her for had brought up a lot of confusing feelings for Laura, especially because she could tell by the effort Ted was making that he was probably having stronger feelings for Amanda than he was admitting to himself. But then there had been no opportunity for Laura to pose as his girlfriend in front of Amanda, because she and Ted had left earlier than planned. And when Maggie had caused the evacuation of the whole hotel, Laura had seen Ted coming out of his room with this stunningly beautiful woman she could easily identify as Amanda. In this short second, she had felt a very strong feeling, and it had been the same feeling she was having now.
