五月三十一日(土)

Ooooohh...today was a long day at the office. I will be keeping this journal entry shorter than the others, because it is already 0200 hours and I really must get some sleep if I want to even hope to wake up properly tomorrow. It really is so difficult to keep a journal, yet every time I think this, I can't help but remember how little Teitoku himself ever complained about writing his own journal. I must learn from him and refrain from complaining when I clearly do not have any reason to.

Today was a rather ordinary day, nothing too special. I'm starting to become good friends with the office ladies who work in the administrative and logistics offices next to Takahashi-san's - since I have been working in Takahashi-san's office for the past two weeks and the ladies have to come into his office where I work to use the fax machine, we've begun to talk a lot. Unfortunately, I'm under orders not to reveal my true identity to them, since they are not affiliated with the Platoon whatsoever, so they think that I am the daughter of one of the high-ranking officers in command of Atsugi Naval Air Station working for her father whilst he manages over military duties elsewhere throughout the country. We talk about all kinds of things, but recently we've been into all sorts of food talk. One of the ladies, Anna-san, has been cooking a lot recently because she has extended family over at her house for some kind of special occasion, and she has been asking for our opinions on what kinds of food she should make for the next day during our coffee breaks. The other office lady, Yoshiko-san, suggested that she try to make some Western dishes to diversify a little, citing her own recent experience with cooking Western-style dishes for her own family, especially chowder, so we spent our whole coffee break talking about trying to make chowder. Clam chowder is apparently very popular in the West, but there are many kinds of chowder and many ways to make it. All of it sounded so interesting.

But I can't help but wonder...before I met Teitoku, I wasn't too interested in talking about food. I mean, I...I wanted to try cooking, yes, but I was fine with only learning how to make Japanese-style dishes and not knowing much more beyond that. So is the fact that now I feel a bit of a desire to seriously learn how to become a good cook because of my own wishful thinking that maybe one day, I would someday cook for Teitoku? That would imply that I'd be married to him, doesn't it?

I'm getting ahead of myself. There's...probably not much of a chance that we'd ever marry, I suppose...

But I will strive to learn how to cook anyway. If not for Teitoku, at least for my friends and comrades. Mess hall meals can become rather boring to eat - and especially for us ship girls who have transferred here from Okinawa, we have definitely been spoiled by Mamiya-san's, Irako-san's, and Houshou-san's cooking. Teitoku's cooking, though, was the most delicious of all...in my personal opinion, though. I seemed to be the only one who thought that.

I spent some time with Suzukaze today, too. I missed Suzukaze dearly when I transferred to Okinawa, but as I gradually fell deeper and deeper in love with Teitoku, my heartache to see Suzukaze again disappeared. Only until I saw her face again here at Atsugi Naval Air Station did it hit me, just how much I missed my ship sister, and I cried into her arms our first night together. Suzukaze hadn't changed at all during the four months that I was away - she was a secretary ship girl to a rather irresponsible naval officer who was more interested in groping her armpits than anything else. She told me all kinds of hilarious stories between her and that particular naval officer, plenty of awkward moments when Suzukaze was working in his office just to find him underneath her desk contemplating whether her armpits or the backs of her knees were better to feel up.

Then, she asked me about my own Admiral, Teitoku. She didn't really like her own, for obvious reasons, and so she wanted to know what I thought about mine, the foreigner commander from America who was rumored to be a double agent for the Americans and trying to sabotage the Platoon. I told Suzukaze sternly to forget everything our superiors had told her about Teitoku, because most likely, whatever they told her were lies. I told her how much of a good person Teitoku truly was. I told her that if possible, I would've liked her to serve with me at Okinawa so that she would come to understand just how much of a good admiral he really was.

Suzukaze asked me why I was lionizing him so much. In her words, she was wondering why I was "acting like I had a thing for him". I told Suzukaze simply that I was speaking very highly of Teitoku because of that reason. I came to appreciate him and his work and dedication far more than just as a ship girl or even soldier. I disclosed to Suzukaze my love for that particular man whom I call "Teitoku". Suzukaze said that she understood where I was coming from, and she went on to tell me that she'd noticed that whenever I addressed Takahashi-san as "Teitoku", I never looked like I was happy saying it. As in, my facial expression was always so noticeably overcast that Suzukaze couldn't help but notice it any time she saw me with Takahashi-san.

Suzukaze gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek. She said that she didn't care if she was technically the younger one between us, she would still do her best to make me not feel so lonely. She explained to me that the reason why the naval officer she had to work under always tried going around touching her was because he'd recently broken up with his own fiance and admitted to Suzukaze that he wasn't trying to be all malicious and creepy, just that he wanted some kind of outlet to distract him from what was going on in his personal life. She told me that she was starting to feel worried for me, too, that I might end up the same way, that I may be hurting on the inside because of what's happened to him. By that point, I felt like there was no point in keeping it a secret from my own ship sister. I told Suzukaze that yes, indeed, my heart was aching, both because of what's happening to him and because I can no longer see him every day like I was once able to back during my days at Okinawa just barely a month ago.

So I spent nearly an hour after dinner in my small, plain dorm hugging Suzukaze like my life depended on it. I didn't cry, since I'd cried enough already. But I wanted to. I wanted to cry...but I guess I just couldn't bring myself to do so beyond what I'd already done during my last days at Okinawa.

Now, looking in hindsight, I remember the day that Teitoku's parents visited the base at Okinawa. It's clear that Teitoku despises his parents, looking at his thoughts regarding them in his journals. I don't believe he has any other siblings beside himself, either. So now, I can feel my heart aching even more when I think about how fortunate I must be to have such supportive sisters like Shigure-onee-san and Suzukaze by my side, ready to comfort me whenever I am feeling down, while Teitoku probably never could go to anyone to talk out his feelings and whatnot. Even during our brief time together as lovers, I don't quite get the feeling that he wanted to act like how I was with Suzukaze earlier today with me or anyone else at base - but perhaps that is more due to his unwillingness to get too close and personal with us and make relationships that may be better off not being made, such as ours.

But even if he believes that our relationship was one that should never have been made, I will keep this relationship alive as long as my life remains. Everyone always says how they are so prepared to face whatever challenges, problems, and hardships that come their way, and how enthusiastic they are about overcoming them. I know that in reality, not everyone upholds these same words that they themselves speak. I am determined not to become one of them, the ones who do whatever is easiest. I am being tested, and I will not fall.

I love you, Teitoku.

五月雨