AN: Thanks for the reviews, they have meant alot. Its kinda of a 'warm and fuzzy' feeling to know your work is enjoyed by others too. :]
warnings & disclaimers: chapter 1.
Perfectly Imperfect
Chapter 3
"Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late" --Three Days Grace; Never too late.
I was tired. I hadn't realized how very little sleep I had gotten these past few days. Sasuke acting somewhat normal again last night had been a huge relief and I was finally sleeping like I was supposed to; my own bed, not that damn sofa.
So when I woke up and noticed that morning light was bathing my room, I was not exactly happy. Hell, I was pissed that I was awake!! I began to flip over, taking the sheet with me, succesfully half-way through wrapping myself into a wonderful burrito when my stomach growled, and my bladder screamed at me. 'fucking fuck' i mumbled as i threw the once comforting, now confining, sheet from myself and swung both feet off the bed.
Forcefully i rubbed my eyes, resigned to the fact that i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep after all, and made it to my bathroom in a sort of drunken half awake stumble. When i had succesfully relieved myself and banged my head against the counter a few times, [splashing water on my face required too much effort], i looked into the mirror.
My hair was getting long. It looked crazier than normal, my eyes were still clouded with the fading dream of sleep, and my scars were just as plain as ever.
A few times i had tried to put those scar reducing creams on my face, but they never worked. At least they were white scars now, and not the hideous purple ones they had been when they were fresh. I rolled my eyes at my reflection, why was i thinking about shit like that this damn early in the morning? My stomach growled, and i groaned and turned towards the exit of my messy bathroom.
I made my way into the kitchen, and was about to rummage through the fridge in search of leftover pizza when a chill swept over my back. Curious, I turned and found the sliding glass patio door open. I could only just see it from here, the venetian blinds obscured the rest of the large door. "what the hell?" i murmered to myself and walked across the disaster that made up the living room. I hadn't left the door open, and that was the kind of shit Sasuke usually bitched at me for doing.
stepping over controllers and various debris i made it to the left side of the door and walked its lenght to reach the opening.
thats when I froze....
My heart leaped into my throat, my stomach hit my toes, my skin began to crawl, & I felt more than physical cold.. all with a sickening quickness.
Sasuke was currently squatting on the railing of the balcony, a total disregard for his own safety was more than apparent as he stood and allowed part of his body to swing out, only one hand anchoring him to life as that cold wind picked up again. I tried to swallow my heart, pick up my stomach and will myself to move.
No good my feet wouldn't unstick themselves from the carpet... I seemed to be frozen and I couldn't get my mind to act quite right. This was sasuke. I felt blank as the image before me burned itself into my brain.
My throat went dry ; Then I heard the screams of students below , a sudden rising in pitch as they noticed Sasuke.
Then, I saw his smile.
He was smiling a smile I had never seen before, a real smile. It was both beautiful and terrifying, the way it lit up all of his features, the way it made him seem to glow; and I knew what he was doing beyond shadow or doubt. All hesitancies were thrown from my head as my body reacted of its own accord, my mind still numbly processing in a panic. sasuke was trying to kill himself. The thought made my heart ache in an unfamiliar way. I felt myself rush forward with a speed I didnt know I possessed, thanking my lucky stars that I did not trip over the slight ledge of the doorway like i usually do, and I grabbed Sasuke's stupid, idiotic, retarded, asshole, selfish, self just as he released the bar with all intent to fly.
I put every bit of my body weight into yanking him back, the fear rising like a bile in the back of my throat, sheer determination not letting me think of anything but saving him. I had jumped up to grab his middle and miraculously turned my knees to stop my momentum against the railing, when we hit the concrete of the balcony floor stars exploded before my eyes at the contactof my skull to the hard surface. I felt the sting of ripping flesh in a few places and my ribs bruise as they cushoned the fall of the suicidal bastard.
It took a moment for me to regain my bearings and swallow my nausea at the thought of what had almost happened.
I practically growled at the idiot on top of me , "TEME ! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!!", my voice cracking in either rage or the fear that had quaked within me.
"Ugn.", I grunted. A sense of loss coursing through me.
I had been so close. so very close. and he had stopped me. Numbly I stood as my head processed the fact that i had failed.
Again.
Naruto.
It was because of Naruto that I was still standing here with my heart beating mockingly in my chest.
What made him think he had a right to interfere?
I whirled to face him, my face contorted in rage.
"WHY!?!" I all but screamed at the idiot in front of me. My chest was heaving with the effort it was taking to breathe through the pounding of my heart and the shaking of my body from the adrenaline rush.
I shoved him hard in the chest, becoming violent in my current rage of emotions, his confused glare further enraging me into getting a reaction out of him.
I saw a spark in his eyes as i shoved him, then he puched me in the jaw. I felt the sickening impact send my head spinning almost causing me to bite my tongue. Yes..this was what i needed. I tested my jaw by tensing it, the resulting pain not as much as i had anticipated, before i lunged at him punching him first in the face somewhere, noting that i may have hit his nose, before using my other fist to hit his stomach. The jar to my wrist was unexpected, i'd never noticed him having any sort of muscle tone before. I had no time to muse over when he last worked out because he took advantage of his stooped position to tackle me to the ground, the concrete ripping my back to shreds as i gritted my teeth holding back my outcry of pain at both the tensing of my jaw and the bloody ribbons that my back was sure to be. "what the fuck is wrong with you teme?!" his voice came out in an angry growl, his forearm over my throat, his knees pinning both my hips and hands digging my knuckles into the concrete. I looked at him, his eyes were bright with anger and determination, his face was smeared with blood, it seemed i had hit his nose , as it was currently dripping onto his arm and my throat. "What in the hell are you thinking in that thick ass skull of yours!? I have never been so damn scared in all my god damn life!! Why would you fucking jump off of a damn balcony?! You lost your family, i fucking get it, but you still have people that care about you, for fucks sake Sakura loves you! And I dont know what I would do --" He paused, choking back some emotion, "--, it wouldnt be the same." I stared at him for a moment, the anger leaving me, leaving nothing but cold defeat in its wake.
I managed to push him off of me and I stood up, holding in the outcry from my weeping back. "you dont know me enough to care about me. You dont fucking know me. You dont know shit about anything thats happened in my life, and i seriously doubt your ability to relate." I paused. "I have to go."
I turned towards the still open door
"No the fuck your--" he began, suddenlt jumping up to a standing position, as if he were preparing to fight me again. "Do you not hear the fucking sirens dobe?! I am NOT going to be here when the police get here, Im sure even you can put the pieces together on that one..."I looked at him, my eyes narrowed into a threatening glare,"I did not try to jump. It was a misunderstanding. You panicked when you saw me and grabbed me. Think you can remember all that?"
"fuck you"
"Im glad years of vocabulary lessons were not wasted on you" I scoffed and walked through the apartment to my room, grabbing a jacket and putting it on as quickly and delicately as possible, trying not to let it get stuck in the blood on my back. I exited my room, neglecting to grab shoes and snatched my keys off the hook on the fridge, all this while my brain was in a whirl of how to get out of this mess, I highly doubted Naruto would lie for me, let alone do it convincingly.
"Sasuke."
I turned, aggitation rising up to the surface again. "what?!" I snapped.
" I meant what i said, dont be an idiot, I'll text you when shit cools down here"
If I was surprised that Naruto was really letting me leave and being cool about it, I didnt show it. "Hn." I left with a quick snap of the door.
I collapsed on the couch.
The officers had been a pain, but I was used to evasive answers and innocent facial expressions; i used them well.
After an hour of questioning I finally had them convinced that Sasuke had been simply leaning over the railing. He had never been about to jump, I had grabbed him and we had gotten in a fight because he had broken my PS2. [which was now smashed to bits, a clever bit of thinking, and now Sasuke was going to buy me a PS3 to replace it. I snickered at the thought of his face when I told him that.]. That was why people heard me yelling at him, 'teme what the fuck were you thinking', because he had broken it in a bout of anger, 'he's still grieving, the bastard doesnt handle emotional situations well'. By the end of it I had them all laughing about over-reacting college 'fan-girls' and how easily rumors were expanded upon. They asked how the stoic bastard was doing, i told them he was 'fine as you can be'; which is where they became uncomfortably reminded that i had lost my mom only a year ago, and my dad just 6 months ago. The awkward air expanded, finally making them uncomfortable enough to leave.
I grabbed my cell phone, my heart clenching for a moment at the thought of Sasuke ki--finishing what he started by now. He didnt have any supervision, he had no one to stop him. I pushed the thoughts out and flipped through my contacts, finding 'the Teme' in the list, and texting him, just blindly hoping that he would keep his promise.
'cops are gone. You owe me a ps3, teme.'
...sending...sending...sent.
I let out a breath i didnt know i was holding and let my head fall against the back of the sofa. Nothing to do now but wait...
I still wasnt entirely sure why i was jumping through such hoops to ensure the Teme was left alone by the cops and psychologists and whatever else wack-jobs came at you when you tried to kill yourself, but running a hand over my scarred cheeks I couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical at the thought of trying to get him sent off anywhere. I mean sure, he needs some damn help, but the fucker needed help waaaay before this episode.
Hell, i think I've only ever seen him laugh and smile like a normal guy twice, once when he came back from one of those 'dinner party' things and had drank a 'very good year' wine. A total drunk bafoon, Sakura had hastily gotten them out of there before Sasuke's family had seen him and brought him home,--effectively dumping the bastard with me, his crazy drunk self laughing when he couldnt seem to get his shoes off and hugging me over and over telling me i was a lousy room-mate but a good friend.
I'm still not sure how to take that....
anyway, the second time was because he was taken by surprise when he came home and Hinata and I had been...well...'on the couch'...we weren't exactly naked or anything, but it was getting there, then he busted in, Hinata turned the color of a ripe tomatoe,sputtered something like 'oh s-shit, oh shit!' while grabbing her shirt and darting past him to her apartment down the hall, leaving me sitting on the couch, half dressed, half aroused and pissed. Then he busted out laughing. At what? I'm not sure, Maybe at Hinata, maybe at me, maybe at the thought of me getting laid, I dunno; but i was so shocked to see him laughing that i totally forgot why i had been mad and laughed with him. The memory still brings a smile to my lips.-hinata running off, she was so embarrased, she didnt even look at me for weeks after that, and now nearly faints when she sees me..that bastard ruins everything.
I smiled at the thoughts.
SLAM!
I swear to fucking shit, i almost leapt out of my skin. "Naruto!!!" Sakura burst through the door, her pink hair still tied back from work, her nursing scrubs still on, there were tears in her jade eyes and she seemed to be in an all out panic, I placed a hand on my chest to steady my racing heart," Where is Sasuke!!! I tried to call him but he didnt answer, i texted him and everything!! I told him i was coming here if he didnt answer me! is he here?"she glanced at the phone she currently had a death grip on, probably checking for texts, " did he really try to kill himself?! oh my god, naruto is he dead?! Did he manage to..to..!?!?!"she moved her opposite hand, still holding her keys, and gripped her hair, " I was at work, i just got home, Ino was going crazy talking about ambulances and police...oh my god...Naruto!!"
A few times during her hysterics i had tried to say something, but she was basically hyperventilating and wasnt about to let me answer anyway, so i just waited for her to run out of breath as I got up and walked in front of her. I crushed her to my chest in a hug, attempting to calm her down. "He's fine Sakura, he'll be back any minute, just breathe okay?" I felt her pull back and i recieved a swift powerful punch to my right bicep, " You jerk!! Why did you let me worry like that?! You could have fucking said something, hell you could have texted me at work!"
I looked at her, rubbing my arm where I was sure there was going to be a bruise, " and said what? 'hey, sasuke didnt die today' ?? Would you like me to text you everyday? 'hey, sasuke is eating tofu,' 'Teme is taking a shit' ??" I replied voice dripping with aggrivated sarcasm
.
I just totally dont get women, how in the hell they expect you to read their minds...i just dont get cant just know their favorite color or flower, you have to know why. You cant be happy that its tuesday, your supposed to miraculously know that her cat died on a tuesday five years ago. I've liked Sakura all my life, wanted her to be my girl for years, i know more about her than most anyone, but i still dont always 'get' her.
"ha ha" she replied dryly, " so he's okay, he didnt try to..to..you know?" She stared at me with a worried expression on her face, and I rested my hands on her slim shoulders. How many times did i wish that she would worry for me like that? I pushed the negative emotion away, and shrugged. I wasnt sure what to say. It wasnt really my place to say anything, but by not saying anything i would probably piss her off, thus making her less likely to ever see me as more than her friend. [I know its bad to want your room-mates girl, but...damnit, i liked her first, and I'll be damned if I let etiquette get in my way now] I was about to open my mouth to answer the angry look i was currently recieving from two beautiful jade eyes, absently thinking how beautiful she would be if she had black-brown eyes instead, when i heard the door close quietly behind me. I turned and found Sasuke's gaze boring into mine.
His hair was wild, his neck was still covered in my blood, though it was now dried and flaking, his jaw was sporting a slightly yellow discoloration, as was his throat. He was barefooted, still in his pajama pants with his jacket only loosely on him, unzipped, exposing his chest. I found my eyes admiring his muscles, the way his abs were well defined but not bulky, the way they tapered off into a pervect 'v' between his hip bones and dipped below his pants..I quickly snatched my eyes back to his face, having only taken all of that in in a second, assured that i had only been looking out of curiosity. My own muscles were not that defined, i was very slenderly built; that was all. Its not that i dont like guys, I dont discriminate between the sexes, I just dont like the Teme.
The point is!!, he looked like hell.
This was the absolute most disheveled I had ever seen Sasuke.
I dont know what possesed me to do it. What possesed me to go back to the apartment.
I had gotten in my expensive Mercedez sports car and just drove around, letting myself steer on auto-pilot while my mind drifted.
I wasn't happy that Naruto had stopped me, that much was certain, and it would be difficult now, because half the student body had seen me, and I wasnt even sure if Naruto could pull off lying to the cops. He just doesn't seem the type to lie smoothly without stuttering or losing thread of whatever story he weaved. I may get a text saying that I am being admitted somewhere, or that I need to come back and talk to the police.
Why haven't I just gone somewhere else and finished things?
My blood turned cold as the thought of driving off the same bridge as my parents entered my head,...I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the image away, before snapping them back open to the road.
I dont think I have the guts to do it all again.
It was a rush, but it was also terrifying.
I dont think I could get up enough guts to do it again, not with what Naruto said to me on the balcony.. "..I have never been so damn scared in all my god damn life!! ...you still have people that care about you.."
If I really am chained to this life, then I might as well make it more tolerable.
Thats how i found myself buying my first pack of ciggarettes, Marlboro Smooth.
I had always found ciggarettes disgusting, why anyone would willingly poison their bodies was beyond me.
Now, I found, it was not 'beyond me'. Poisoning my body no longer seemed to be a problem, and curiosity about the unknown has always had a strong pull for me.
The pack smelled minty when i opened it, leaning against my car outside the gas station. I pulled one out and eyed it before sitcking it between my lips and holding it there.
I experimentally flicked the lighter a few times, then lit the ciggarette with a short inhale.
I nearly dropped the lighter as I coughed once, and fought the urge to cough several more times.
After a few moments I got the hang of it, enjoying the minty taste of menthol. The smoke was mesmerizing, watching it come from my own mouth, drifting away in intricate swirls.
By the time I finished the cigarette I felt calmer, and a little dizzy, so i sat back down in my car just in time to hear my phone buzz from the cup holder of my console.
I flipped it open, trediptation building in the pit of my stomach...
'cops are gone. You owe me a ps3, teme.'
I let my head fall back against the headrest, and smirked. I owe him a ps3? Typical Naruto.
So, I wound up back at the apartment complex in record time, parked my car and headed for the stairs, still unsure of what to expect. Would he want to 'talk about it'?..hn..I'd just ignore him and go to my room.
There were still several students around the dorm entrance, their whispers lingered in my ears as I went by, snatches of their conversations just repeating on loop in my head al the way up the stairs.--'tried to kill himself', 'always knew he was a emo-kid' 'think he'll try again?'. I simply glared, and masked my face into one of indifferance.
I was so absorbed in my thoughts that as I reached my door, I didn't notice the voices mumbling inside, and ended up opening the door on Naruto and Sakura. The one person I had not calculated into my situation. Naruto and I locked eyes for a moment as I stood there wondering if it would do me any good to just turn around and leave.
AN: Hope you enjoyed.
-Jiz
