In which, Odessen's rumour mills are just as terrifying as one might expect, some people clearly have too much time on their hands, and Theron wonders if there's ways to un-hear what he's just heard.
"I think he's gay. He just doesn't know it yet."
Well, that wasn't how Theron thought he'd start with his regular eavesdropping session on the Alliance gossip vines. But at least it wasn't another theory about how Arcann was Xaja's spurned lover and she'd only been in carbonite briefly for some infraction as part of the Emperor's personal harem, so the spy decided he'd keep listening.
(The person who'd come up with that particular story was still on sanitation duty. And Senya was quite adamant that not only had Xaja been in carbonite from day one, but Zakuulan Emperors did not have harems.)
"He can't be. Have you seen the way he looks at her?"
"I wish he looked at me the same way." One of the scientists in the cantina sighed dramatically. "He's got such a handsome brooding face…"
"Maybe he's brooding because he's secretly got a thing for Captain Taerich, and she's being all possessive and not letting him go?"
"Hmmm." Another one of the group of off-duty science officers tilted his head in thought. "They would be super-cute together, too."
"Maybe he's the one who can finally fill whatever void is in Captain Korin's heart that he's trying to fill by flirting with everyone else he meets!" The scientist who'd commented on the handsome brooding face swooned, her long dark hair swaying with the motion.
"Come on, not even he could do that. He'd wind up just broken hearted and bitter after the Cap'n went back on his carousing ways." The Devaronian male snorted. "He'd just get back with her again."
"I wonder if she's pulling rank on him and that's why she keeps him in her bed?" mused the violet-skinned Togruta.
"Oh, I know! We'll intervene!" The Devaronian looked over at one of his male friends with a grin. "I convince her that she needs to give an alien a try…"
"While I liberate him and have his undying love and affection as reward for freeing him from her clutches." The human with an Imperial accent offered a fist-bump to his friend. "It's perfect!"
Theron silently shook his head and inwardly pitied whoever they were talking about.
"Nah, wouldn't work. I'm pretty sure Agent Taerich set it up that way."
"Is he with Knight Senya?"
"Would you sleep with Valkorion's ex?"
"Well, she is good lookin' for being old…"
Oh, Senya's gonna kill someone.
"I'm sure she's gonna set the Commander up with her son to end this war. Y'know, how they used to end wars way back in the day with a marriage?"
"They still do that on Alderaan, y'know."
Theron nearly choked on air.
"I don't think the Commander would be in on it. I'm pretty sure she's getting it on with Lord Beniko behind Agent Shan's back."
"Are you kidding? All three of them are in on it together!"
"Ooooooh." The Twi'lek woman in the group paused, and grinned. "That's just exciting to think about."
I'm never telling Lana or Xaja about this. Theron tried to not think about that particular scenario very hard for fear of having a nosebleed in the cantina.
"Too bad it ain't real. Lana's a thing with Captain Vortena."
"What? No she isn't!" The Arkanian paused. "But she should be."
Theron had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the idea.
"Isn't she with Lord Duathion?"
"The Commander's brother? He's married!"
"What?!" The Twi'lek woman looked devastated. "Since when?!"
"I dunno. At least since his wife arrived with the rest of the Mandalorians. One of Torian Cadera's distant cousins, I think?"
The ex-Sith in question picked that moment to arrive at Theron's table. The spy looked up, gave Sorand a quick grin and a sign to be quiet, and gestured toward a seat. Sorand sat down, glanced over at the gossip mill brewing a few tables away, returned Theron's smirk and settled in to listen.
"Huh." The Devaronian tilted his head. "Never would have pegged him to be the type to shag a Mando girl. He's too… gentle."
"You think he's secretly gay too?"
"Maybe." A dark-skinned scientist gasped as a sudden revelation dawned on her. "Oh, I know! Instead of setting Agent Shan up with Captain Korin, we'll put him with Lord Duathion instead!"
Theron's jaw dropped as he put the pieces from the previous parts of the conversation together. Sorand choked on his own saliva, brown eyes impossibly wide with shock.
"Eeeeexcept that Lord Duathion's married. We've covered this already, Kiaselmi. Do catch up."
"Aren't Mandos into… whadya call them, open marriages?"
Sorand mutely shook his head in disbelief.
"Uhh… maybe?"
"But he's a Sith. Agent Shan wouldn't go for him."
"You sure? I'm pretty sure he's just a Dark Jedi who failed out of the Academy AND the Temple."
"You know what, that makes sense. He's too nice to be a Sith."
Theron felt himself go pale and glanced over at Sorand, who was scowling ferociously and mouthing 'Too nice for a Sith?!' to himself.
"How about we cover all our bases, and set Agent Shan up on a date with both of them?"
"Oooooh! So even when Captain Korin inevitably breaks his heart, Lord Duathion will still be there! I'm sure Ms Verhayc won't mind."
"Can I be the one Agent Theron turns to with his broken heart? He does have a dreamy brooding face…"
Sorand gave Theron a look like he was stifling laughter. Theron felt like he wanted to throw up.
"Okay, fine, we'll set you up with him if both of the Commander's brothers turn him down."
"And we'll save the Commander from an arranged marriage to the Emperor by setting her up with… uhhh, Captain Vortena?"
"Sure, sounds good. He's a grouch anyway, he needs to get laid."
"I thought she was part of Vaylin's harem though. Y'know, princess prerogatives and all and that's why they hate each other because of mutually broken hearts?"
"... Oh, that's actually kinda hot. Mmmm, Force-using hate sex..."
Theron and Sorand exchanged a look, a silent agreement to never, ever tell Xaja about this.
"But if the Commander has the old Emperor living in her head… does he possess her sometimes? And if she's part of Vaylin's harem…"
There was a long pause before everybody (eavesdroppers included) shuddered.
"Well, that might explain some things with Vaylin…"
"Might also explain why Knight Senya likes hanging around the Commander so much."
"You don't think…?"
"Oh yeah. It's the old Emperor settin' things up."
"So we break up the Commander and Agent Shan, set Shan up with Captain Korin or Lord Duathion- and yes, you too, Morris, quit giving me that look- and then get the Commander with Senya so Valkorion's happy and doesn't consume all of us?"
"Sounds like a plan!"
"But the poor Commander. Better get her in an arrangement with me instead of the old lady for her own sake."
"Oh, for the love of…" Theron got out of his seat and walked past the table all casual-like with Sorand right behind him, the conspirators unaware of his listening in until he stopped behind the Devaronian's chair and spoke loudly. "You know Koth's gay and I'm not, right?"
Koth wasn't actually gay, as far as the spy was aware, but Theron was still mad enough about a particularly unwelcome prank involving industrial-strength adhesive and Theron's pants to not care about this misinformation.
"Eeeep!" Two of the more talkative conspirators jumped in startlement at Theron's displeased-sounding voice coming from directly behind them. "Mister- er, uh, Agent Shan, uh, sir!" one said quickly- the Twi'lek, who was now a very pale shade of blue. "We were just, uhhh… ummm… oh, uh, good afternoon, Lord Duathi-"
"Too nice?" Sorand had pulled out the Darth Imperius voice in full force, and Theron was suddenly very, very grateful he wasn't on the receiving end of it. "Too nice to be a Sith? Shall I show you just how nice I can be?" He raised his left hand and lightning started dancing around his fingers, crackling in the otherwise-silence of the cantina in a very menacing manner. "Especially to people who seem to like trying to interfere with my marriage?"
A dozen faces went white (or nearly-white, depending on alien skin tones), and their owners were only saved by the timely arrival of one of the prior subjects of conversation. "Enough, brother!" Xaja's voice cracked like a whip over the sound of lightning building in Sorand's hand. She had the Alliance Commander voice going today. "Is tormenting off-duty science officers necessary off of Dromund Kaas?"
"They called me a Dark Jedi," Sorand growled as he scowled at Xaja. "I'm bloody well strong enough for the Dark Council and they called me-"
"I. Don't. Care." Xaja rested her hands on her hips stubbornly. "I'll make you clean up whatever mess you cause in here with your own damned toothbrush, and I'll get your wife to take holos while doing so. Are we clear?"
A heartbeat of silence before Sorand muttered "Yes, Commander," and made to stand down, before pausing and giving the conspirators a dark glare. "The Commander won't be able to save the next person who tries to break up my wife and I. Understood?"
"Yes, my lord," came a chorus of terrified squeaks.
Sorand nodded once, then moved to leave the cantina, ignoring Xaja's facepalming. "Hey, by the by- have you seen my wife?"
"Check the military wing," Xaja sighed as her brother finally left the cantina, giving Theron a longsuffering look. "Do I want to know?"
"No, but I have a related crisis that needs immediate intervention, Commander." Knowing full well he was in full view of the still-frozen table of scientists, Theron walked up to Xaja and gave her a long and thorough kiss that, from the soft noise she made in her throat and the way she wound up holding onto his shoulders, turned her limbs to gel and her brain to mush. "How busy are you right now?" he asked when he'd pulled away, pleased to not hear catcalls or whistles from the table behind him, but rather quiet sighs and one singular depressed-sounding grunt.
Xaja seemed to be struggling to get her breath back. "... Another round of attempted matchmaking from the masses?" she finally asked in a whisper.
"Yeah, worse than last time. Certain minds seem to think I'd look better beside your brother than you or think setting you with Arcann will end this wa-"
"Oh, hell no." Xaja grabbed the lapels of Theron's jacket firmly as she pitched her voice back to a normal volume. "And this information's classified, you say? I'm going to need a thorough briefing, Agent."
"Of course. My pleasure, Commander." Theron only paused to give the group of dismayed and broken-hearted matchmakers an evil smirk before letting Xaja pull him back to their quarters.
And this was why he subjected himself to paying close attention to the rumour mills on the base. Better to find out himself than by risking having Korin or Reanden pass it on while dying of laughter themselves...
To be continued? Maybe? Or at least there'll be tie-ins with other outtakes. *cackles manically*
