Get'cha Head in the Game

Spock is unemotional.

No matter how many times he tells himself this, it doesn't stop panic from overriding his logic as his mother, his mother, slips through his fingers into the abyss. Dead. He would never see her again.

He's beginning to build his defensive walls back up when the stowaway Cadet who cheated on the Kobayashi Maru somehow beams back onto the ship, one again disrupting the ship's tenuous calm.

And then he yells and shouts and the ruthless, horrifying words spilling from his mouth tear the gaping hole in Spock's chest even wider, breaking down his barriers until there's nothing left.

Spock snaps. When he comes to, Kirk is being strangled on a control panel. Spock's hand is around his neck.

Spock is in a state of shock. Memories of his younger days come rushing back from where he had barricaded them, and he is astonished when tears begin to form in his eyes. He hastily withdraws his post as commanding officer and moves unseeingly back to his quarters to sew the pieces of himself back together.

Later, when the world is saved and they've safely docked back at Starfleet, Kirk—Captain Kirk—pulls him aside and apologizes. Spock tells him it is no matter. The logic of Kirk's actions was sound. What Kirk did was for the benefit of the universe as a whole. Spock should be able to easily forgive him.

Spock should be able to.


I'm Sexy, I'm Cute

Spock wants nothing more than to see James Tiberius Kirk expelled.

He watches with a cool eye as the deviant Cadet is called to the stand. Spock is unsurprised when he is called to the stand. It is common for delinquents to attempt to irrationally defend themselves. Perhaps he thinks he can intimidate or "charm" his way out of his sentence.

Spock cannot abide people like this James Tiberius Kirk. He finds Mr. Kirk particularly unpleasant because of his father's legacy; instead of attempting to follow in his father's footsteps, or perhaps even better them with a legacy of his own, Mr. Kirk had shamed his father by becoming a delinquent. Going so far as to cheat on a test simply to win it is inexcusable, a violation of everything Spock stands for.

Spock is determined to see James Tiberius Kirk fail and flounder on the stand.


Walking Disaster

Spock doesn't have many pictures of his mother.

There isn't a moment he doesn't regret this. He has only a few simple holograms of her stored away in a drawer, and he tries to convince himself that this is enough. That it is illogical to wish for more material pictures when he has memorized her face, every detail of her image. He is dismayed to find that this does not work.

Jim tries to talk to him about it. He pulls Spock aside when their shift ends and speaks in hushed tones.

"Look, Spock, I may not be the biggest on emotions and shit, but I want you to know…I…get what you're going through." The halting, stumbling words betray his sincerity. "I mean, on a human level. I know Vulcans don't feel emotions, but you're half human. And I know you're feeling this. I'd think you were insane if you didn't."

Spock doesn't say anything, simply stares with a gaze as frigid as the coldest depths of space.

"I just want to say that I'm here. You know, if you…need anything, or want to talk, or whatever."

There is a moment in which Spock's mind actually struggles, strains to compute and rationalize the offer into something it understands.

The captain sighs and turns to go.

"Captain," Spock says, and Kirk turns on a dime. "I would not be averse to a game of chess tomorrow evening."

Kirk smiles, and there is not an inch of a threat or deceit in it.


I Want To Hold Your Hand

Spock has always noticed Uhura.

He noticed everyone, of course; it was only logical to take a detailed observation of his surroundings. Upon his primary assessment of her person, Spock had taken Uhura to be a serious Cadet, something he appreciated in the hormone-riddled atmosphere of Starfleet Academy. He was less than pleased by the flirtatious advances of the other females—and several males—in his class. Uhura proved to be the only single female who did not so much as spare him a glance when it was unnecessary. Her gaze was focused solely on her studies. Spock took notice of this, and his curiosity was peaked.

He was unsurprised when she rose to the top of the class, or when she received special honors for her achievements in Linguistics and was invited to the gala reserved only for top students.

Now, however, as she remains behind after class and asks him without so much as batting an eyelash to be her escort for the gala, he finds himself slightly taken aback.

He knows that she is pretty, possibly even beautiful by human standards; her face is perfectly symmetrical and her eyelashes are long. Despite her dedication to her studies, he is sure she must have interactions with a fair amount of males outside of the classroom environment. And it is only logical to assume that she could ask any of several male Cadets to accompany her.

The only external reaction he allows for is a raised eyebrow. "You do not wish to be accompanied by a fellow Cadet?"

She holds his gaze. He finds he likes her certainty. "Yes. Though I might ask one of them if you refuse."

He accompanies her to the gala.


Proud

Spock has always made an effort to ignore his human half.

He finds it easier to shove aside the human emotions and shroud himself in logic and reason rather than give in to the desire to express the unruly emotions.

Over time, he becomes quite good at concealing the emotions. Not even the most stressful situations can induce anxiety or tension within him. He feels nothing when his adolescent peers attempt to provoke him with derogatory statements about himself or his mother and father. He rebuts their statements will utter serenity. Indeed, even when facing a bullheaded cadet who has cheated on the Kobayashi Maru, he convinced himself that it is only logical to want the cadet expelled. He is setting a bad example for the other students, and negative influences that disrupt the efficiency and effectiveness of the Academy should be removed.

But when he is standing on the bridge of the Enterprise, when he has lost everything but the ship and its crew, when they are returning to Starfleet after a 5-year-long mission…

He tells himself that the unsettling feeling in his abdomen is simply a reaction to the erroneous food produced by the replicator that morning.