Hi and thanks for reading.

I hope people are enjoying this and thanks for the couple of reviews I have had so far. I do enjoy knowing what people think - it brightens my day! I'm just as happy with a message as a public review, but please do give opinions! I have a lot of this written and a basic outline in my head. I've decided to change a few bits around, but hopefully it won't be a long drawn out posting.

Thanks

Tab

Chapter Three

When we wake up the next day we do laundry. Joey strips the bed and pulls the dirty clothes basket out of the bathroom. We bundle all our dirty clothes, our night clothes, swim wear and towels into it. She puts on a dress, just a simple summer thing and I wear some shorts from the bottom of my bag. We work in an easy silence, our hands brushing together every now and then as we sort the laundry into piles. She gives me a smile and whatever distance settled between us earlier seems to evaporate. I smile back and then suddenly we're kissing, heated kisses that ultimately end up with us naked, intimate, limbs entangled on laundry that is going in the wash anyway, so why would we care about what else we get on it.

After some breakfast I clean the bathroom and Joey the living room and kitchen, then she pulls out her laptop and I get the third book in her series. For a time we sit on the deck, comfortable and entangled, her feet across my lap, my body slumped towards hers.

'Can I tell you something?' I say and she looks at me surprised at the sudden interruption when we were both so engrossed. Her eyes widening slightly, but her voice is kind,

'Sure.'

'These are actually really good books,' I say and she begins to laugh,

'Sure, if you're a hormonal teenager.'

'Nah, just in general,' I protest. 'The characters are good, the setting is good and the fun they get up to is good. I especially love the hint of romance.'

'That keeps a readership,' she explains. 'And it's important as a motivating factor.'

'Did you always want to write?'

'Yeah. Didn't think I'd ever do it, but then, well I hit inspiration when I started coming to this place. I thought about all the books around now and decided to channel my inner Judy Blume but for a new generation.'

'Well I'm pretty sure the new generation thanks you. I still remember reading the naughty bits of Forever. I guess that was the days before the internet when you couldn't read fanfiction and what not.'

'You read fanfiction?' She gapes at me with a huge and slightly mocking smile.

'Well on occasion...' I admit.

'And what do you read?' She quirks a brow.

'Well I read...you know superhero stuff...'

'About adventure?'

'About sex,' I admit and we both laugh. 'It's better than watching porn on the internet,' I defend and she nods as though to concede my point. 'Have you ever looked up to see if there's fanfiction about Lost Lake?'

'Never,' she blushes and looks quite flustered.

'Then let's,' I am completely on board with this idea but she shakes her head,

'I couldn't. What if it taints my, you know, my vision. Or worse, what if the ideas I read are better than my version?'

'Never. These stories use your characters, your genius. They may write a different version but it's because they love your version.'

She seems to debate it and then nods,

'Ok.'

She hands me her laptop and I call up the site. She actually has several thousand fanfics based on her stories,

'Thats a pretty decent number,' I tell her but she seems more interested in the filters I'm applying.

'So you're looking for stories that are popular?'

'Yeah. The ones that have gotten the most reviews, or favourites is a good place to start. There's always a few red herrings but you know...'

After three hours of online reading she does know. We end up acting out dialogue and peeing ourselves laughing. We take the acting to a new level and do a couple of sex scenes which is...well it's hot, but anyway. By the time we stop our eyes are sore and our stomachs hurt from laughing so much. We go for a swim, and eat ice cream in front of a movie. Considering the new results I got last night it was a perfect day.


The next day Joey wakes me up. We shower together and then she tells me she's taking me into town and on a date. This is just about the best surprise. I put on my nice clean clothes, a t-shirt and cargo shorts. She wears a skirt and a tank so I don't think I'll be underdressed. When we go out the front door I realize I've never used it. I've always gone around from the back to access her garden. We walk through the garden until we reach her truck. It's only from this place that I can see she rescued my bike. It's under one of her two firewood shelters.

'You rescued my bike!'

'I rescued you it seemed a shame not to do the same for your bike.'

'Thanks,' I kiss the top of her head as we clamber into her truck and she puts on some (bad) music and we drive to town.

The drive is pretty and long, but I really enjoy wildlife spotting so it doesn't feel long. Town is, well it's like Joey's house - in the middle of nowhere. It's not as poverty ridden as places I drove through, but it's not super wealthy either. The gas station is regular, the bar Mackenzie's looks like fun. The diner looks really nice and I actually really like the grocery store and houses. They tend to be wooden and nice and the store looks like it actually stocks a fairly good selection. Joey says we'll go there last.

She takes me for lunch at the diner first. When she walks in a tall black guy comes around from behind the counter and picks her up to hug her as he is that big.

'Sorry we didn't make it over on the weekend,' The guy says. 'It was all a bit of a mess.'

'Well I thought I'd surprise you.'

'Good surprise,' the guy grins and he's handsome. I feel ridiculous about it but I feel a little surge of jealousy - the guy is clearly close to Joey. I mean I can't expect a girl as pretty as Joey, or as nice as Joey not to have guy friends, or exes.

'Bodie, this is Pacey, Pacey this is Bodie - my sister boyfriend and wannabe father figure.' Feeling like a dumbass I grin and shake the guys hand.

'And who is Pacey?' Bodie asks with a smirk as Joey takes my hand when Bodie releases it. We sit at the counter and Bodie goes back to other side pouring us both a coffee.

'As if Jack hasn't already filled you in,' Joey practically snorts.

'He said he's his friend from college, he didn't mention this,' Bodie gestures to our hands.

'That, um, sorta just happened,' I say and Bodie gives me a look indicating that nothing better "just happen" with his sister/daughter.

'So you're moving to town?' He asks pointedly because of course anything else and I'm fucking around.

'He's not,' Joey shrugs easily.

'Really,' Bodie feigns shock, 'well good luck telling your sister that!'

'You act like I'm sixteen,' Joey rolls her eyes. She does that a lot.

'You're only twenty-two.'

'Bodie, I'm gonna get the lecture from Bess, maybe you can give it a miss?'

'Sure thing kiddo,' he ruffles her hair. 'You tell me if I need to kick his ass.'

'You don't,' she says.

The conversation is pretty light after that. Bodie is a cool guy, he's pretty funny, an awesome cook, and he clearly cares about Joey. He is, to all intents and purposes, her dad. When Joey heads to the restroom he rests against the counter.

'So level with me here Pacey...you seem to like her...I get that she's pretty and whatever, but why start something if you're gonna leave? It's all right for you heading back to the big city, tons of girls and a great job...'

'I'm not doing that,' I admit and Bodie frowns. 'I'm heading back to chemo, a little radiotherapy, probably death...'

'Well fuck,' he says and it's so like Doug's response that I laugh.

'Sorry, nervous laughter.'

'Don't apologize man. That's...well that's fucked. Does Joey know?'

'I told her way before anything happened. I...it was probably ill advised to start something but I can't regret it, she's...well you know...amazing. Beautiful, talented, kind...honest...I just wish...'

'Say no more,' Bodie puts a hand to my shoulder. 'I trust Joey. I was trying to look out for her...clearly you like her. That's good enough for me.' Wow. I like Bodie. Talk about rational and understanding and empathetic.

'Hey boys,' Joey plonks down beside me. 'Can you get Pace a slice of your cherry pie? It is truly the best pie in the world.'

'Because I use fresh not tinned cherries,' Bodie explains.


After delicious cherry pie in the diner, and a couple of slices to go, we take a walk by the downtown river. We muck around in the children's play park, sitting on the swings and chatting. We make out down by the river and then we head to her sisters.

The B&B is a lovely little place on the riverside. It's not dissimilar to Joey's house really just bigger and with rooms to rent. We walk inside without knocking, Joey pulling me along by our linked hands. It's clear that a lot of hard work has gone into the place. As if reading my mind Joey turns to me,

'It wasn't like this growing up,' she presses a kiss to my cheek, 'my room was the sofa bed in the living room and it was a quarter of the size. Dad and his associates...they burned down the family restaurant and we opened this place with the insurance.'

'Wow,' I'm not quite sure what to say. That I'm impressed, that everything about her interests me. 'Where was the restaurant?'

'Where the diner is. Somebody else bought out the site and rebuilt - that's why it looks so nice. Bes and Bodie have bought shares in the place.'

'You guys don't take adversity lying down,' i say it as I realize it.

'Well no,' Joey laughs.

'So when did you build this place up?'

'When I was sixteen. Jen and Jack helped a lot. Well Jack when he was home from college and not off...getting into mischief with his college buddies,' she prods me in the chest and I pull her to me for a big sloppy kiss. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her I love her, but I don't.

'Joey,' a woman, older than Joey but not old appears with a little baby girl on her hip. I love kids and instantly smile at the baby and when she smiles back I can't help but make goofy expressions at her whilst Joey and her sister hug.

'Hey Bes.'

'Bodie called and said you were coming over. He said you had a surprise and now I see what he meant,' she looks me over, from top to toe, thoroughly. 'Hi, I'm Bessie, Joey's older and much wiser sister.'

'Hi Bessie, Pacey,' I introduce. We'll have to have the cancer conversation again I realize. Surprisingly I'm not as daunted by it as I once was. Joey, Jen, Jack, Bodie, they've taken it for what it is. And no one has acted like I'm dying. They've accepted the choices I've made and the choices I still have to make.

'Well now Pacey, where did you come from?' she looks at me and then smiles, 'sit down and tell me everything. I'll make some lemonade,' she hands the baby to Joey who kisses her niece's wild black curls and hands her to me when she sees my expression. I take the baby and focus on her as Joey starts the tale with her discovery of me at the side of the road.

'You see Joey, that's what I always told you. Motorbikes are dangerous. I'm sure you're a good rider...and see, even he came off, you're lucky it was only a concussion,' Bessie talks a lot.

'I'm actually not a great rider,' I admit because at some point she needs to know I'm going to leave her sister. She seems so smug every time she sees our hands together, or the looks we shoot each other. She's happy for her sister and it's not real.

'You're not? Then what on earth possessed you to get on a bike. What do you do anyway?' she's not judgemental just upfront.

'I'm a doctor!' The bike is momentarily forgotten.

'Now that is a good profession. Where do you work?' again she shoots an indulgent look at her sister- happy for her.

'Boston,' I admit and she frowns.

'Huh?'

'Bes he was on a road trip,' Joey says.

'I bought a bike and headed west on a bit of a...erm...whim,' I attempt.

'So you're going back to Boston?'

'I ended up here because I studied with Jack.'

'Oh,' Bessie nods, 'that boy's told a few stories about his best friend from college which if it's you means you had an affair with your high school English teacher.'

'Pacey Witter at your service,' I joke and she laughs. 'Well if you're Jack vetted you're not messing around I assume.'

'Bessie,' Joey looks horrified.

'It's a legitimate question Joey,' Bessie defends but Joey looks mortified.

'I like your sister,' I state. 'I like her a lot, but I'm leaving as soon as my brother gets here.'

'And you're ok with that?' Bessie turns to her sister aghast. It's not as though Joey and I are being obvious but I think perhaps Bessie can tell we've slept together.

'Pacey was diagnosed with cancer before he came on this trip. He's going home to get treatment,' Joey explains simply and for a moment Bessie doesn't say anything just stares at her sister.

'Well maybe you'll finally leave the state and go see him,' she says with a lift of her chin.

'I don't get the feeling Pacey wants me to visit him,' Joey explains.

'Oh come on. He's clearly into you!' Bessie gestures and I feel a little sheepish that it's so obvious, and concerned because it's true that I don't want her to visit me. I do, but not when I'm dying. Or trying not to die.

'No. I think Pace wants this to be what its been for now,' she says and I wonder how it is she knows me so well, and how it is that she accepts me, flaws and all.

'What about what you want?' Bessie is slightly more subdued and I look away from the baby and at Joey, after all I care a lot about what she wants.

'I don't think about what I want. I think about what is,' she answers rather cryptically, but apparently that's enough for Bessie.

'Well I'm sorry for the both of you that this isn't a more conventional romance,' she says and I laugh because I'd never thought of my killer disease as unconventional. After that we move onto more normal conversation. Bessie has two kids, Alex who's seven and the baby Rebecca. She thinks her little sister is something special - I agree.


'You took me to meet your family,' I say as we walk into Mackenzie's. It's everything I thought it would be. Full of locals, pool tables, the musty smell of old cigarettes and stale beer, an almost unplayable dartboard and loud music. A few people shout hello to Joey, a few guys ogle her (and I can't honestly blame them). 'You took me to meet your family even though I'm leaving here. Leaving you,' I say into her ear.

'You'll always be important to me. Now they'll know who I'm missing,' she says the words into my ear and my body burns pleasantly. I kiss her hard, urgently, my arms holding her tight against me.

'Let me get you a beer,' she says at length, 'you put some money on the table.'

It's unlike any first date I've ever had. Lunch with her brother in law, an afternoon with her sister and an evening in a bar, me drinking beer and the two of us playing pool and eating greasy fried food. She beats me at pool, until I've played a few games and am back in the swing of the game, then we even out. We flirt outrageously and end up joining forces against other people Joey knows, random people I can't remember the names of. We end up in a corner kissing. At length she tugs my inebriated self from the bar and she trawls me through the grocery store which is just plain weird but I'm with her so it's fun, even when she makes me make serious decisions like skim milk or 2 per cent. Or French bread or sliced. I keep kissing her and instead of getting all pissy, she just kisses me back and reiterates whichever question it is that we're on.

I fall asleep on the drive home and she somehow gets me into bed. I do remember pulling her tight against me and waxing lyrical on her many virtues but that's about all. I'm surprised I didn't sob about the unfairness of dying. Then again I don't really plan on dying.


In the morning I feel a bit horrid but Joey gave me Advil and plenty of water before bed and we sleep until ten, so all in all it's not as bad as some hangovers. I insist upon shower sex, and it's not even an effort to convince her, though she insists on teeth before shower sex. We pull on clean clothes and head through to the living area. She works on the coffee pot whilst I try and distract her, my arms wrapped around her from behind as she attempts to work. A knock at the back door causes us both to jump - Joey even screams an expletive.

'That's my brother,' I tell her when I see Doug's face and she doesn't look at me, stares steadfastly at the coffee machine, her fingers fumbling over things she can do by heart.

'You let him in, I'll just go...to the restroom,' she says and as she turns I hold her still and look into her glassy eyes. She pulls away and I let her go. I'm actually happy that this is hard for her because I love her and I want her to love me back.

'Dougy,' I say as I open the doors to the deck. 'When did you get here?'

'I got on the first available flight. I arrived in Denver at about five am and hired a car. I've been napping for the last couple of hours.'

'Well come in. Jo has put some coffee on.'

'I saw her,' Doug gives me a look.

'I know,' I grumble. 'And she's as good as she looks.'

'Even without the cancer?'

'I'd transfer to Denver, work on the ski resorts, do whatever if it meant being with her.'

'How does she feel?' Doug looks around the house and I can tell he loves it.

'I haven't asked her. I've kept this what it is and not about what it could have been.'

'Fair enough,' he tilts his head as he examines the fireplace. 'Well I love this place.'

'Thanks,' Joey says returning from wherever she went under false pretences. Her eyes are no longer glassy - more like steel. 'I'm Joey. Joey Potter.'

'Doug Witter,' he takes her hand, his eyes floating over her, the tank and loose shorts, the messy bun. She looks ravishing and even Doug can see it. 'This place...' he looks around and she laughs.

'I like it,' she says.

'Was it just here waiting to be discovered?'

'Actually no. My mother left me the land. She owned it. It had a small, falling down shack on it. I felt concerned that building on it would somehow impact the beauty here negatively, but in the end I commissioned an architect to design this place...just how I want it. It's so small from the front and so low to the ground at the back, that it just sort of nestles here. Hopefully it works.'

'It works,' Doug nods. 'Is it just the one floor?'

'There's a basement for the pool table and a spare bathroom, sofabed and all that,' she explains. 'It's dark with only a few windows but it was more important the house not be offensive. I don't need it big.'

'It's perfect,' Doug says and takes the coffee I hand him. I call Jack and then we head out to sit on the deck, Joey and I on the sofa of course, our bodies close and our hands entwined. I've never been happier to be a leftie than when drinking coffee with Joey as I get to hold her hand and drink.

'How old are you Joey?' Doug asks and I wince.

'Twenty-two,' she says. I squeeze her hand.

'You built this place at twenty-two? Man I'm in the wrong profession. What do you do?'

'Well I built it at eighteen and I'm a writer. For teenagers,' she says it sheepishly, as though it's not something to be proud of.

'You know Doug, that series Hannah was into - Lost Lake.'

'You write those?' Doug seems impressed.

'They're nothing special,' she says self deprecating as always, 'though Pacey and I read some of the fanfiction for them and that is something special,' Doug laughs at that.

'So you live in this perfect house and write novels?' he asks her.

'Pretty much. I like the isolation. My family is in town and so are my friends. It's been more fun with Pacey here,' her admittance makes me start. Her life seems so perfect, so tranquil and peaceful. That my whirlwinding into her life under the understanding it's only temporary has improved things makes me happy. Obscenely so.

'Your existence sounds like something I hope to possibly achieve by retirement,' Doug says and I laugh,

'You want to write novels?' I tease and Doug rolls his eyes,

'I'd like a place by a lake, with a fishing rod, a nice partner and family and friends nearby but not to near.'

'I tell you Dougy, I've been here a while and this lifestyle is healthy and utterly appealing, though maybe the isolation would make me a little strange,' I give Joey a pointed look and she whacks my chest lightly,

'Watch it mister,' she protests with a smile.

'I love that you're a little strange,' I tell her and kiss the tip of her nose.

'Are you really strange?' Doug asks her, 'or is it just that Pacey here is so strange he no longer recognizes normal?' Joey laughs,

'I think perhaps I'm a little selfish and that's how I'm strange,' she says and I'm shocked,

'You selfish? You gotta be kidding me.'

'No really,' she nods.

'How so? I mean you took me in.'

'Come on Pace, there's a huge shortage of men around here and you're pretty gorgeous you know?' she teases.

'No you did. Whatever you say, you rescued a stranger, you housed him, made him feel very, very, very, very welcome indeed...'

'Don't go there Pace, please,' Doug says.

'You're not selfish at all.'

'Well I am. I mean I live where I want to, how I want to and I cut out the things I have no time or patience for. I live off the land and write when I want to write and be who I want to be without anyone to question it. I surround myself with people who let me do it.'

'I have to agree with Pacey - that doesn't make you selfish.'

'Well we can disagree,' she shrugs and I guess that stubbornness maybe makes her a little strange. I smirk. 'Pace how about we make some breakfast? Some of the blueberries are looking good so we could do pancakes? There is a bag of flour,' she gives me a soft look and I nod as my stomach grumbles. 'If you're up to it,' she taps my head.

'Haha, just fine miss.'

'What am I missing?'

'Joey took me out for a date yesterday which means I drank beers and she drove home.'

'Where did you go?' Doug moves inside with me, whilst Joey gives a wave and heads round to the front of the house for the fruit.

'We headed into town. Joey took me it the diner where her brother in law works for lunch. He practically raised her.'

'So you met the old man?' Doug finds this insanely amusing.

'Yeah. Big black guy, muscles twice the size of mine...'

'Bet you thought he as an ex...'

'Might have done,' I say and Doug smiles. 'After that we made out in the park, then headed to her sisters before going to the only bar in town where we drank beer, ate fries and burgers and played pool.'

'Have you asked her to marry you yet?' Doug teases, but he doesn't quite pull it off because his eyes are sad.

'Haha,' I attempt but we aren't quite able to pull off fun and frivolous. It's all a bit too serious for that. 'When do we leave?'

'If we leave in the morning at around five, we should make the flight fine.'

'Ok. Don't tell Joey.'

'You're not going to tell her?'

'Saying goodbye when you really don't want to? We kind of agreed we wouldn't do that. She knows I'm going and she knows how I feel about her.'

'Thats crazy Pace. Whatever she said or you said, she deserves a goodbye. Especially if you like her like you say you do. In fact, you shouldn't be pushing her out.'

'Dougy, you don't know anything. I met her one week ago. It's been one week. I don't want her to come see me, I don't want to stay here, I just want to go home,' I shout it and when we hear Joey we both shut up. I look at her out of the corner of my eye and I don't think she heard. She moves to the sink as she washes the blueberries.

'Can I leave you guys in charge of breakfast?' she asks, 'I have a couple of bills to pay and I want to do it before I forget?'

'Sure, of course,' I kiss her cheek and run my eyes over her face. She gives me a weak smile and presses a hand to my chest before kissing my lips. Satisfied that she didn't hear I kiss her back.

'You're awfully stubborn,' Doug says as Joey disappears to her office and shuts the door. It's far enough away that we won't be overheard.

'It's not about being stubborn Doug. She doesn't owe me anything after a week. All I can promise her is a long road of sickness and probably death. She wouldn't really be with me any more, just a new version of me that cancer creates.'

'Pace man this sucks, and I do get it...I really do. I've just never seen you so...you know...'

'Happy?'

'Yeah.'

'Of course it's not really real. The only real thing is the cancer because it dominates everything else. My job, my home, my life. Even if I survive what will I really have to offer her?'

'Thats stupid Pace, you can offer her the best thing there is to offer - your love.'

'Can we stop talking about this?'

'Sure,' Doug squeezes my arm.


Joey is a little distant with Doug around, but things improve when Jack shows up in time for pancakes. Just like in my fantasies of match making them, Doug and Jack get on really well and clearly find one another attractive. The flirting is so apparent that I look at Joey. She gives me a weak smile, so I take her hand and tug her from her chair and down to the lake,

'Take a paddle with me?' I ask and she nods, so we get into the canoe and head out onto the lake. At length I put the paddle down and take her paddle from her, before pulling her between my legs, her back nestled against my chest. I don't say anything, just hold her close. We sit like that for a long time, the silence between us complete, until she turns and kisses me hard on the mouth, her hand going to my hard on, which has admittedly been prodding her in the back for quite some time. I kiss her back with equal force stripping her of her bottoms, pushing down my own and pulling her down onto me. The boat rocks precariously and I'm just glad we're out of view of the house as she rocks on top of me, her hands almost painful in their purchase on my skin. I realize I'm going to come only a second before I do, and unfortunately before Joey. She doesn't seem to care, just kisses me. At length she stops and looks at me and I can feel her heart pounding. Her eyes search mine though I'm not sure for what. How can I leave this girl? The harder question though is how can I possibly stay? 'I don't want to go,' i say, because I think it needs reiterating. She seems less certain than she once was. She doesn't say anything and this is a Joey I'm not used to. Up until Doug's arrival she's been open and honest but I can sense that there are things she wants to say but doesn't. She's closing off. Can I really blame her? Jack warned me after all that she runs away when things get to serious, too real. When I asked her she didn't really deny it. She told me about her exes and she sort of said that when it's wrong she withdrawers. Maybe she's decided I'm wrong for her?

But she's in my arms, I'm inside of her and her head is against my chest. I don't think she thinks I'm wrong but she can barely speak to me. At length she shifts off of me and after pulling on her bikini bottoms she dives into the lake and swims for the house. Unsure what to do or what is happening and whether I can cope with what is happening, I head back to the dock.

'Joey make it?' I ask Doug and Jack who are sat engrossed in conversation on the deck.

'Yeah, she went to lie down. She said she was feeling a little off,' Jack says.

'I'll go see her,' I say and I walk through the house to our room. She's laying on the bed wearing nothing but a sarong. I can tell because the sarong is a little see through. I lie down beside her and run a finger across her cheek. 'Are you ok?'

'I'm ok,' she says but it doesn't seem to be the truth.

'Is it because Doug is here?' I ask and she looks away from me. When she looks back she has glassy eyes.

'I really like you Pacey,' she says.

'I really like you too,' I frown.

'No, I really like you. I heard you talking to Doug and I completely understand. I do. I've been what you needed, what's helped and that's ok. You're right it's only been a week and so I'm not going to say anything, I'm not going to make this more than it is. You've been clear and I think perhaps I have been a little foolish in allowing myself to feel more...well more than you,' she stares at me and it's on the tip of my tongue to tell her I love her. To beg her to stay with me whether it's here or in Boston. But I do love her. I love her wildly, passionately and truthfully. I don't apparently love her selfishly. After I start treatment our relationship is no longer this. It's sickness not intimacy, it's her watching me die, caring for me whilst I die. Seven days falling in love can't result in that and so I don't contradict her.

'Thank you,' I say instead which is an honest statement but also a little cruel. The hurt flickers momentarily and inside I'm happy because she feels for me, but devastated because I'm hurting her, devastated because there's nothing for us. She lies there for a few seconds before turning away from me. I curl around her, pulling her against my chest. I'm pretty sure we're both crying.


I fall asleep and when I awake she's no longer in my arms. The sickness is making my sleep deeper and I wonder whether that's the last time I'll hold her. I look at my watch and see that it is dinner time. I feel groggy and when I lift my head up I notice I've had a nose bleed and the pillow is stained with my blood. I lie there for so long dwelling on this that Joey comes back in. She's carrying a glass of iced water and a slice of toast.

'I bled on your pillow,' I state and she tilts her head to one side.

'You did,' is all she says and puts the glass of water and plate next to the bed and climbing back on beside me, coming in close to me and kissing me even though my face must have dried blood on it. I love this girl is all i can think.

'I'm sorry,' I say.

'Let's shower,' is all she says and the implication is together. She seems a little more together than this morning, 'I like your brother and he really likes Jack.'

'I'm shocked.' She laughs at this,

'I think they're planning to meet up.'

'No way?'

'Way. Before summer is out.'

'Imagine if Dougy transferred here?' I say and my mind flicks back to that fantasy I had of growing old with this girl.

'I don't think they're there yet,' she says with clear amusement and I nod.

'Sometimes it's not how long you've known some but how it feels...'

'Meaning?' she frowns and I realize I'm treading on dangerous turf considering our earlier conversation where I decided to imply things weren't so serious between us.

'All I mean is you can get to know someone well enough to feel an awful lot in a very short time.'

'I know,' she says pointedly, looking slightly hurt and of course I should have realized she'd think I meant her.

'Don't doubt the things I've said,' I say and that means all of it, 'I've meant it all.' There. I've told her it's true I like her, true I don't want to go, true I don't want her to visit and true I don't want to stay. Ahh, my aim to confuse the girl I love is complete.

'You're a confusing man Pace,' she tells me but she's not mad.

'I think I'm trying to be,' I say it seriously but she offers me a large smile and rolls on top of me.

'You need a shower,' she says. 'Can I share?'

'Always,' because it's true.


Joey and I make dinner together leaving Jack and Doug to chat on the back deck. We work with a nice synchronicity. She chops the vegetables and I combine them with some mince to make a spag bog sauce. We make garlic bread from the baguette we bought yesterday and garlic from her garden. She rustles up a salad. It's a nice meal that we've prepared, our voices gentle with one another as we speak about what school was like. She tells me that she didn't go to college because she didn't get the financial aid to cover it. It was quite simply unaffordable. She tells me she was a little depressed that summer and she used to drive up to the land she owned with the unlivable property on it. That's where she wrote the first in her series of books. She sent it into a publisher on a whim and after some fierce coaxing from Jen. She was sent a nice cheque and with the success of the book, a second was commissioned. Eventually money was rolling in without her even trying and she had her home built by the end of the next summer. She surprises me by revealing she owns two other properties - one in town and one in Boston.

'Why did you buy somewhere in Boston?' I'm quite honestly go smacked. With the way Jack and Bessie spoke it was as if Joey never wanted to leave her home or the state.

'Contrary to what my friends and family think I've been out of the state. My publisher is based in Boston.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' I ask somewhat unfairly as there has been no real reason for her to tell me.

'I didn't want you to feel any pressure. Pressure that I would intrude where you didn't want me,' she says and I hate myself a little for being so resolute in my decision to keep her out of my demise.

'You do understand don't you?' it suddenly occurs to me to ask this. Instead of pretending I don't feel it, just ask if she understands.

'I think so,' she says and I wrap her in my arms,

'What I said to Doug, what you overheard, let's be clear here - I meant every word. Its only been a week, I don't want you to come see me and I don't want to stay here. I want to go home. That's all true.'

'I know. I understand that,' her eyes are wide and I can see pain in them.

'It's also true that I more than like you. It's also true that I desperately want you to come see me, in fact I can't think of going through a day without you in it. It's also true that I want to stay here. I love this place, this house and being here with you. The only reason I want to go home is because it's not going to be this. I know what cancer treatment is like and I know that a week of romance is not enough to put a person through caring for someone going through it. I don't want to do that because of how much I like you.'

'Pace,' she says my name as though it is a term of endearment, her head pressing against my chest.

'I never meant to mess up your life,' I say and she looks up at me, her eyes burning with intensity.

'You've not messed up my life at all,' she's clearly sincere, 'I understand where you're coming from and I respect it. I won't try to change your mind or make this any harder. But just so you know, I also know what cancer treatment is like, I've cared for someone undergoing it. It doesn't affect how you feel for them.' I realize she means her mom. I never actually asked how her mom died. I guess somewhere in side I had a feeling cancer was to blame and that stopped me from asking - I can sometimes be a coward.

'Dinner nearly ready?' It's Jack and Doug, breaking into our moment, coming to help with plates and cutlery and wine glasses.

'Joey, I was meaning to ask rather than assume, whether I could stay here tonight?' Doug asks politely and Joey smiles,

'Of course, you can either share the basement with Jack or take the couch,' she says and Doug blushes a little and says his thanks.

Dinner is delicious and passes with nice conversation, though there is the underlying tension. We all know it is my last night and why, and that is after all why Doug is here. Joey is quiet and Jack becomes more distressed as the meal goes on. He asks me on a moonlit swim after dinner and though I want to be with Joey, I know my best friend needs to say things to me.

'I'm sorry this has happened to you Pace,' he says as we drift in the cold water. 'I actually can't think if anyone more...wrong for it to happen to.'

'Cancer's never right dude,' I say and he rolls his eyes at the dude.

'You're hands down one of the nicest people I've ever met. You can beat this you know. I know the odds and so do you...'

'They're not good,' I interrupt and he shakes his head,

'No they're not, but there is a percentage for survival because people do survive. Please try and be one of them.'

'I will,' I say and my eyes scan the deck for Joey's figure. I can't really see her but I pretend that I can.

'You really like her don't you?' Jack asks.

'I've fallen in love with her,' I admit.

'You know she feels the same right? I mean even if she doesn't know it yet.'

'Well hopefully I can come back to her one day and hopefully she'll still be in love with me.'

'She doesn't meet a lot of men,' he jokes.


After our swim Jack and Doug clear up whilst Joey and I canoodle on the sofa. We're generous with our affection, hugging and kissing, talking about anything but the goodbye we promised not to have. Eventually we head inside and bid the other two goodnight before heading to our room where I proceed to tell her I love her physically because my mouth won't cooperate and say the words because I'm scared it will change things and I don't think they should change. She falls asleep on top of me, naked from the shared intimacy, her eyes tired and her hands clutching me, holding me as close as possible. I don't sleep but watch the shadows dance across her, watch the rise and fall of her chest. Doug comes in around four thirty and I feel dumb tears as I maneuver away from her and out of the bed. My bag was packed yesterday and left by the door so all I have to do is pick it up. I find myself picking up her sarong from yesterday, bright and full of life and smelling like her. It's harder than I thought it would be to leave the room, but Doug returns and pulls me from it. I hold the cloth in my hand as we head to the back door, opening it and stepping out into the cool nighttime air.

'You ok?' He asks in a soft voice. I shake my head. We head around to the front of the house and Dougy opens the rental car. We load our stuff in. He gets in but I have an idea,

'Wait a second,' I say and I head around to the back of the house. I gather up a handful of pebbles from beside the lake and go back up to her deck. I begin to place them down spelling out all I've wanted to say to her - I Love you. Then head back round to Dougy and we head home.