Just to clear a few things up, this is going to be an Derek, Addison fanfiction for the time being. I just don't want to make the beginning to complete or hard to follow. As I get more chapters finished or what ever, I will be adding other couples. I just want to focus on Julia's relationship with Derek and Addison for now...at least for the next chapter or so. Everything in italics are flashbacks Julia has. Also I'm setting this around season two of Grey's Anatomy right now.
The more reviews I get, the faster I'll upload. Enjoy!
Chapter Three
Sometimes the past is something you can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present
Grey's Anatomy
It seemed like a very long time until Frank was done kissing me. Until Frank was done touching me in places I've never been touched before. Until he got up off top of me and pulled his underwear back on. My whole body hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel good. I wanted my mom. My mom hadn't come out of her room in a really long time. She and Mike were still in there having sex. I hurt in places where I've never hurt before. I didn't know what to do so I curled up in a little ball on the couch. My whole body was shaking and I started to cry. Frank kissed my forehead and stroked my hair. "It okay," He says. "It always hurts the first time. It will get better. You did it Julia." He smiles at me and I cover my face in my hands. "You're a grownup now." Frank continues to speak to me softly. "You're so pretty, you're so beautiful." He says and buries his face into my hair. "You have to promise to keep this a secret. You're going to be my baby girl, okay baby? Don't tell you're momma okay? You don't have to cry anymore either. You're a grownup. Grownups don't cry." Frank sits me up and I look away from him. "I hurt." I say quietly. "My tummy doesn't feel good. I want my momma." Frank picks me up and puts me on his lap. I do not want to be there. Frank reaches beside him for my pajamas. He puts my under wear on and then my pajama top and lastly my pajama pants. Then he reaches into his pocket pulling out a plastic bag full of white things. They were grown up cadies. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't wait to have grownup candies. Frank had said they'd help me feel better. "Here," he says taking a white candy from the bag and gives it to me. "Don't bite it. Swallow it." Frank orders me. I take the candy from his hand and put it in my mouth. It doesn't taste that good. I spit it out into my hand. "This tastes yucky," I say. "It will taste better once you swallow it. You have to have in your tummy for you to feel better." Frank picks up the candy I just spit out into my hands and pits it back into my mouth. "Swallow it," he says closing my mouth for me. This time I do. I cough a little because it tastes so yucky. Frank kisses me. "You'll feel better soon baby girl," He then put me off his lap. "You can go get your momma now," He informs me. "Tell Mike I want to leave and remember our little secret." He winks at me as I walk towards my mom's door. I'm walking funny. It hurts to walk. There are a lot of weird noises coming from inside. I just want my momma. I open the door. My mom and Mike are on top of the bed. Mike's on top of my mom. They aren't wearing any clothes. My momma is making a lot of noise. Frank said you can't make noise when you have sex. Frank said you have to be quiet or it will hurt even more. Mike was hurting my momma. "Momma!" I scream and climb up on the bed and begin to hit Mike on his back. "Stop it! Stop it!" I yell at him. My mom pushes Mike off her. "Julia what the fuck are you doing?" She yells at me. "Get the fuck out of room now!" She screeches. I don't move. I can't move. I can't say anything. It's like I can't see anymore. The room is spinning. There are so many colors. I can't feel anything. My body didn't hurt anymore. I felt numb. Mike starts putting his clothes back on. "Baby where are you going?" My mom asks putting on her own clothes. "This is fucked." He yells. "You're kid is fucked. I'm leaving." "God damnit!" My mom screams. "Get the fuck out!" I still don't move. My mom shoves me off her bed causing me to fall onto the floor, hard. My mom then runs out of her room slamming the bedroom door behind her. I could still hear her yelling at Mike. I heard the door to our apartment slam. I waited and waited for my mom to come back into her room. She always said she was sorry after she hurt me. She never left. This time was different. My mom was gone and I didn't know when she was coming back. I started to scream. I started crying. I didn't feel right. I didn't know what was going on. Everything felt funny. It felt like I wasn't even in my body anymore. I kept screaming, hoping this was a really bad dream. I thought if I kept screaming my mom would come a wake me up. All I wanted was to be out of this nightmare. I just wanted to woken up.
And that's still what I want. It doesn't mean I can't let go out the past. That's want I want to do more than anything. I'm just saying I've known what I wanted out of my life since I was three years old. Ever since I left New York City three days earlier all I've wanted was to escape my past. I wanted to forget that it even happened. People say the past is part of you. It's what makes you, you. I personally think this is a bunch of bull. Half these people are most likely hypocrites anyway. I can bet you more than half the people on this planet are trying to forget at least one mistake they made in their past life. I bet you right now, Derek Shepherd is probably regretting sleeping with Meredith Grey. I bet you right now, Addison Shepherd is probably regretting sleeping with her husband's best friend. I bet you're probably wondering what I was want forget about my past. I want to forget everything. I know you probably think I'm crazy considering most people are just running from one or two mistakes they have made. I'm running from everything. Most people if their childhood turned out like mine would want to run. I wouldn't blame them. I don't blame myself either. It wasn't my fault I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault Derek Shepherd got my mother pregnant. It wasn't my fault my mother decided to give birth to me even though I wished I wasn't born. It wasn't my fault my mother turned out to be an addict. It wasn't my fault my mother turned out to be a crappy mother. Okay, I lied earlier. I do blame myself for some things. It was my fault when she hit me or when my foster families hit me as well. It was my fault my mom never loved me. It was my fault when Frank molested me. It was my fault my life turned into fucking hell. There you now know a few more reasons as to why I want to forget everything that happened. I want to forget everything because it's all my fault. But after learning about Derek Shepherd something changed. I learned something new about the past. I learned that my past wouldn't have been so bad if Derek had known I existed. I have a lot of anger towards my father. I just can't help thinking if he was there. None of that stuff would have happened. That's my past. You can't escape you're past. You can only run from it. Derek Shepherd couldn't have changed the past. In the past I didn't know he existed. He didn't know I existed. Derek Shepherd however will change the present and hopefully more importantly my father will change my future.
It's hard to believe that in a few minutes my whole life would change. In a few seconds I would be getting of the elevator at the surgery ward. In a few minutes I would be two steps closer to meeting Derek Shepherd. It's hard to believe….
A loud ding went off indicating that the elevator was now on the fifth floor. The doors opened and my eyes winded to this whole new medical, doctorie, surgical world I've never seen before. I stepped out of the elevator finishing my last thought It's hard to believe that I was finally here. I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. If I was I didn't want to wake up. When I had stepped off the elevator it was like all my problems where gone. It was like I was in this whole new world where nothing else mattered. I felt alive again. I felt happy and for once in my life I didn't want to die. I took a breath and smelt in the latex, perfume, sweaty, bloody smell of the air. I've never smelt anything like it. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I felt like I was in love. I, Julia Carolyn Shepherd was in love with Seattle Grace Hospital. It didn't matter how many wackos worked in this hospital. It didn't matter how twisty or messed up my fathers relationships were. I was here. I was finally here. Everything just felt so right. It felt like I was home. These hallways, the elevator, the hospital rooms; Derek Shepherd had been in all of them. I didn't know what to do next. There were so many people I could ask to help me find Derek Shepherd. I just didn't know who. I mean there where the nurses at the nurses station in the colorful scrubs. Or the people in the light blue scrubs. Or I could even ask the people in the dark blue scrubs. There weren't many of those people around. I just wanted to ask somebody who wasn't a wacko. I didn't want to ask another Frances again. So this time, I decided to ask a guy. I mean a man, standing over at the nurses station. He was wearing light blue scrubs writing in a binder. I took a breath and walked over to him.
"Excuse me," I say tapping a finger on his shoulder.
"What?" The guy spins around holding the binder in his hands. His brown eyes seem annoyed.
This guy seemed too young to be a hospital worker. He looked like a teenager. A high school senior to be more specific.
"I'm sorry for…." I decide to apologize, except I get cut off by a thin black man in dark blue scrubs calling the guy over.
"O'Malley!" He calls. "I have a Thoractomy surgery I want you to scrub in on. Tracey Mills is prepped and ready. She's in operating room 2. Get a move on O'Malley!"
"I'm sorry," O'Malley mumbles to me as he closes the binder and hands it to a nurse. "I'm coming Dr. Burke!" He yells at the doctor whom is already walking away. O'Malley begins to run after Dr. Burke bumping into a taller man with grayish brown hair wearing dark blue scrubs whose walking and reading a binder that's the same color as the binder O'Malley was reading. I wondered what was in those things.
"Hey!" the doctor calls out as O'Malley turns a corner and is now out of site.
"What's his problem?" the doctor asks me, closing the binder he is reading and placing on the desk at nurses station.
I jump a little. He must of saw me watching.
"Dr. Burke wants him to scrub in on a thoractomy." I say not having any idea what a thoractomy is. It just sounds like a bunch of letters put into place to make a word, a word that had no meaning to me.
The doctor laughs and shakes his head. His pushes his hands through his short curly hair. "O'Malley has been Burke's bitch since he performed a thoractomy on some patient in a elevator. It's like Burke in love with him or something. O'Malley has got to scrub in on basically ever single surgery since the whole heart in the elevator thing."
Doctors do surgeries. Big deal. "What's the big deal?" I ask unamused at the story this doctor just told me.
"What's the big deal?" the doctor looked at me like I had two heads. "O'Malley's an intern. Interns don't normally get to perform solo surgeries until their residences."
"He doesn't seem all that special to me."
The doctor seems happy I said that.
"Thank you," he says. "At least somebody agrees with me." The doctor crosses his arms on his chest. He looks me up and down. "So what's your story?" He asks. "You look really familiar."
I thought about lying for a minute. I thought that maybe I'd get to enjoy the surgical ward just a bit more before everything became hell. I decided against it however. This was my new life. It would not be a lie.
"I know I look familiar," I say. I looked exactly like Derek Shepherd. That's why I looked so familiar. "You're thinking I look like Derek Shepherd right?" I ask.
"Yeah," the doctor says, like he's finally got the missing piece to the puzzle figured out. "Wait," the doctor says after a second. "Do you…" he stumbles. "How do you know Derek Shepherd? Are you a patient? A relative?"
Now it was my turn to laugh. "I don't actually know Derek Shepherd," I admit. "I found his name in my file, at the social services office. They were going to send me to another foster family, one half way across state. I didn't want to go…" I rambled, trying to get up the courage to say Derek Shepherd was my father. The name was so easy to say in my head. Why the fuck was it so hard to say out loud? I take a deep breath. "But I am a relative of him, you probably think I'm a wacko after I say this considering half the people in this hospital are wackos. Derek Shepherd is my father. I'm Derek Shepherd's daughter."
The doctor doesn't say anything back. I couldn't take the silence anymore. "I'M DEREK SHEPHERD'S DAUGHTER!" I scream, without meaning to. The words just wouldn't stop coming out. It was like vomit. Word Vomit, the movie Mean Girls would say.
I must have screamed loud enough for the whole hospital to hear me. I wouldn't have been surprised if they did. I just wanted the silence to stop. Screaming I think made it even worst. Everybody in the hallway had now stopped what they were doing and were watching myself and the doctor. It was like a climax point in a movie or a book. Everybody seemed frozen wondering what to do next but more importantly they wondered what was going to happen next. I realized I made the silence so I had to break it.
"I'm Julia Shepherd," I say to the doctor whom is now pacing back and forth in a panic running both hands through his hair. "Who are you?" I ask him.
"Mark," the doctor mumbles. "Dr. Sloan." He then looks at me in disbelief just like the other half of the hallway is doing. "Derek and Addison Shepherd have a daughter?"
I decide to ignore that question. It was probably going to be a common question I would receive over the next little while or so. Most people where probably going to assume I was both Derek and Addison's daughter since they are married and all. At least until Addison clears it up, I wasn't going to say anything. I was tired of explaining already. First to Frances which didn't turn out too good when I told her my gossip and now to Dr. Sloan causing things to turn out even worse. I didn't want to make things complicated even more than they were right now for people.
"So where's my father, Dr Sloan?" I demand.
"He's in surgery." Dr. Sloan seemed to still be in shock. I wouldn't blame him. It's not every day Derek Shepherd's unknown daughter comes into the hospital.
"Derek doesn't know I exist" After hearing he was in surgery hurt me inside. I don't know why. It just felt like I was two steps behind again. Not two steps closer.
The silence began to disappear. The nurses and intern and doctors, whoever they were began whispering between themselves.
"Alright!" Dr. Sloan yelled at them.
"Page Addison Shepherd," a nurse with blonde hair said to the brown haired on sitting behind the nurses station.
"Shows over!" Dr. Sloan continued to yell as I stood there, frozen in my stop. "Get back to work!"
Dr. Sloan turns towards me. We watch in silence as the brown haired nurse dials Addison Shepherd's pager. Neither him nor I had the energy to stop her.
"Dr. Shepherd?" She says into the phone. "Yours and Derek's daughter is here. She asked for Derek but he's in surgery. We'd thought it'd would be better to page you for the time being."
Addison Shepherd wasn't my mother I wanted to scream. No more words would come out of my mouth. It was like I had gone totally mute. It's true though however learning something new about your past can change the present. I didn't know what was going to happen next . I didn't know what was going to happen in the future. Right now in being the present and for what was to come in the future, I Julia Carolyn Shepherd was in over my head. This whole thing was over my head.
