For disclaimer see chapter 1. Thanks to Tony for giving me information on Dungeons & Dragons and inspiring unusual character classes for my spin off. Enjoy chapter 3.

Update: Blarg. I had forgotten I was supposed to be editing this... Please don't throw stones? I can throw them back, just as a warning.

Dead Like You

Chapter 3

Ah, the D.M.V. It's the one thing that can unite the human race, seeing how everybody hates it no matter your race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. Currently I was there to gain my new identity while others just wanted to drive without paying a ticket.

Thankfully we went in midweek so it wasn't terribly busy, but it was busy enough. About an hour into our wait for the number 42 to be called by the soothing sounds of a male machine voice, Rube said, "I'll be right back; I have to make a sissy."

"That's valuable information that I really needed to know. It could save my life some day."

"Don't be a smart ass. When they call your number just go on up there. He'll know what you're there for. Just don't get him started on eap ray stories."

Apparently reapers know who other reapers are, and also have the useful skill of speaking fluent Pig Latin.

"Now serving number 42," said the Steven Hawking voice as Rube entered the men's lavatory.

I stood and went to the desk where a rather portly man with curly hair stood.

"Hey, I'm new," I said nervously.

"I know," He said. I wasn't getting a friendly vibe.

"So how long have you been, you know, eaping ray?"

He looked around a bit and pulled out a picture. "Old enough to eap ray her. N.J. Baker. August fifth." He showed me a picture of him in a suit with Marilyn Monroe.

"Wow, Norma Jeane."

"You a fan?"

"I did a history report on her; she got me an A plus, so she's pretty okay to me."

"Good to know some of our kind know fame when they see it," He smiled and typed some things in the computer. Rube came back from the bathroom at that moment and D.M.V. Reaper turned the smile off. "Eye color?"

"Blue gray," I said smiling.

"Just Gray." Rube said after looking at my eyes.

"Alright, step in front of the screen."

I stepped to the side in front of the blue screen and gave a small smile and the flash of the camera went off.

"Alright Nicholai Jacob Baker. Have fun with your new life." It didn't take a genius to find out what he did. He gave me Her initials. Hopefully I didn't end up with the same fate as N.J. Baker. I already died once.

He handed me my new I.D. and on the eye color I noticed it said blue gray. I also noticed the picture wasn't mine. "Who's this?"

"That would be you, or at least what other people see you as. Can't go around looking like Davis, Nicholai."

"I guess that makes sense." I shrugged and put my new license in my pocket.


Rube and I sat in the waiting room outside the principal's office at Warren G. Harding High School. Apparently they didn't know that Harding was one of our worst presidents. But he did teach us a lesson; never leave the country in the hands of your drinking buddies.

As I was getting the feeling that my day would be full of waiting rooms the secretary said that Mr. Wood would see me.

We walked into his very beige room with very blue carpet and blue chairs and took a seat. I set my brand new black backpack full of notebooks on the floor. Mason shoplifted them from the local Walmart.

"Well, a little late in the trimester to be starting a new school, isn't it?" Mr. Wood asked with an "I am tough as nails" look and with a not so "I am tough as nails" bald spot.

"Sudden job transfer," Rube lied. Tisk, tisk. Clearly he would be going to H-E-Double hockey sticks.

"Oh really, what do you do?"

"Delivers post-it notes," I said under my breath.

Rube cut me off. "I'm manager in a post-it note factory."

"Really? I didn't know we had one around here, maybe you can supply the school for the rest of the year," He said the last part with a laugh. I was getting a creepy Dr. Phil slash Bill O'Riley vibe.

Rube laughed a little then got a serious face. "Actually that would be against company policy. Please don't ask again." I am sure the principal now thought Rube was an axe murderer or super spy, considering I was contemplating the same thing with the sudden change of expression.

"Well, here at Harding we expect students to not only excel academically, but socially as well, so we've made it mandatory that you join a club, otherwise enrollment is revoked. There is a limit to only 20 people per club and so far we only have two open. Women's Swimming or Orcs and Oubliettes. Considering that you're male, you will have to join the O and O club."

"I'm sorry, but what exactly is Orcs and Oubliettes?" I asked raising one very concerned eyebrow.

"Well, orcs are fantasy creatures similar to a goblin only bigger and an oubliette is…"

"A dungeon with only an opening in the ceiling for entry or exit." Rube and I said in unison interrupting Mr. Wood. We looked at each other for a second and then turned back to the principal. One thing Rube and I had in common was our love of odd dictionary words.

"I meant what is the club about, not the definition."

"Oh, well it's a role playing game. You'll have to ask the club president about the exact game rules. They meet after school most of the week. Room 303."

"Lovely," Rube said. "Well Kiddo, looks like we've found your new school." He looked at me and gave a fake smile. I fake-ly grinned back. Joy to the world, I would be in a club for nerds.

Rube and I stood, each shaking the principal's hand and exchanging pleasantries. When we left Rube sighed, "What a jackass. Anyway, check your bag, I got you a present."

I looked in and found a red three ring binder. I looked at him with one of those "What the fuck is this?" looks.

"Open it."

I did and inside I found one yellow post-it. H. Weaver. 3:22 PM, The address of the school was below, with the word, "Rm 303." Oh yay, first day of school and I already had to kill a kid in my club. It was a very odd coincidence that the club I had to join was also the one where my very first reap would take place. Not a very good present.

"Happy reaping," Rube said and walked out of the room as the secretary handed me my new schedule.


Classes were, well, classes. I take that back. They were classes I took last year. Apparently they had underestimated my abilities as a student. My past academic records were somehow "misplaced." At the beginning of Chemistry the class hated me because the teacher took advantage of my newness to give out a lab safety pop quiz. I passed. Mostly everyone else failed. Apparently I was the only one who knew not to drink the mysterious bubbling green chemicals.

After instantly making everyone feel bad in Chemistry, I had the opportunity to do the same for Spanish by having a ten minute conversation with the teacher in her home language.

I reasoned to myself that I should just play dumb the rest of the day, or at least moderately smart. That plan didn't work out so well.

In Advanced Algebra the teacher kept trying to help me with problems I knew how to do perfectly.

"Mr. Crewe, I can help him," A very geeky looking boy next to me with loud red hair said.

"Thank you Allen, that would be very helpful," Mr. Crewe said and walked away to help a girl with whatever her problem was with factoring trinomials.

"What are you having troubles on?" Allen asked leaning over and looking at my paper that was filled with numbers and lines.

"Nothing," I said and continued working on problem 21.

"Be careful with finding the common factor, that's usually where most of the class gets lost." He said paying more attention to my paper then his own.

"Thanks," I said smiling, "But I really don't need any help."

Allen looked offended. He really didn't have to right to be so. At least I wasn't taking his soul and waiting for him to die.

"Well, we'll just see when we take the chapter test tomorrow, and then you'll be begging for my help."

He was pissing me off and I was about to go Mila Jovavich on his ass.

"Actually you can help me with something, where is room 303?" I asked.

He looked at me judgingly, "What do you need to know that for?"

"Apparently it's the only club open, so I have to join the Orcs and Oubliettes club. Lame right?"

"Actually O and O is a very exciting game, and it gives you an intellectual work out."

"I'm guessing you're a member?" I said my face dropping. Great, I insulted him already.

"Yes, vice president," He looked proud at this. I'm sure that vice president of Orcs and Oubliettes on his resume would get him a job as Secretary of Defense some day.

As the bell rang, Allen and I packed up our bags and I followed him to room 303. He opened the door and entered in front of me. What a gentleman. "Come on noob," He said back at me. I really didn't need this on my first day of reaping.

As I walked in I saw a boy dressed in all black, hair about medium length. Across from him was another kid, a little heavy and a lot of acne, but a little of that Proactiv and he would be pretty good looking.

Allen took a seat next to Proactiv. I know it's not a nice name to call him, but I didn't know his actual name.

Since the three were staring at me and no one was saying anything I just let out a, "Hi."

Goth stood and smiled a little. His teeth were a little crooked and he just didn't look right in black. He looked more of a maroon. "I'm Chris, the president of the O and O club," he held out his hand.

"Nick," I said using the shortened version of my new name.

"I'm Kaj. It's spelled with a J but pronounced like an I," Proactiv, or Kaj said.

"So Nick, have you ever played Orcs and Oubliettes?" Chris asked me.

"Um, no, I haven't." Looking at the table and seeing a grid on top I made an educated guess, "Is it kind of like chess?"

"Yes and no," Kaj said, "It's like a story you're in. Our Oubliette Orator still isn't here though."

"Oubliette Orator?" I asked. This was a lot of O's to deal with in one day.

"He's like the author of the story, he sets up situations for us to go into." Chris explained.

"So, pretty much we're just talking?"

Allen laughed. It was kind of girly and bitchy.

"No, we have figurines to represent our characters and enemies. You level up as the story progresses," Allen said like I was stupid.

"I don't have any figurines. I'm kind of broke." It was hard getting money when you're dead.

"That's okay, take a seat." Chris said.

I sat down in the remaining chair next to him; he crouched down and went into his backpack pulling out a box with the name of the game written in Old English lettering on it.

"Here you go. When getting a figurine you get a random box. You can buy more to get a better figurine, but really it's just the luck of the draw. I bought a couple yesterday and haven't opened them yet." He smiled and handed me the box, "Welcome to the nerd club."

I gave him a half smile and blushed a little. This was technically the second present I had gotten today, even if one was a post-it note in a binder. I didn't even get presents on Christmas. Stu was a Jehovah's Witness, and Mom didn't want to offend him.

I didn't want to open the box yet. As I was waiting with the box in front of me the rest of the group pulled out figurines. Chris pulled out a human looking figure with dark clothing and a mask. Beneath was scrawled "Elven Theif."

Allen pulled out what looked like a toddler wearing a pointed hat and robes. "Mini Mushroom Mage," made me want to laugh. It suited Allen for some reason. The ability to summon mushrooms probably wouldn't look good on his Secretary of Defense application though.

Then Kaj pulled out the most hideous thing ever. It looked like a badly drawn Mrs. Claus with green skin.

"Kaj, what is that?" Allen asked pointing at the green woman.

Kaj beamed. "That would be an Ogre Princess class. I got it this weekend; it's worth over 40 dollars." He grinned.

"That class is so weak, Kaj. You should have gotten your money back," Allen said putting his face in his hands.

Chris laughed a little and turned to me, "What did you get? Go on and open it."

I slowly opened that packaging hoping that I didn't get something as hideous as an Ogre Princess or ridiculous as a Mini Mushroom Mage.

The figurine was similar to Chris's only it wasn't. His black clothes were accompanied by a black hood and black cloth covering his eyes. In his hands was a scythe. This was not funny, I was pissed at whomever was playing these games with me.

"It's a Reaper…" Allen said with wide eyes. "Chris you have to take it back."

"No, Nick opened it. it's only fair that he keeps it." He smiled at me. "You're a Reaper, congratulations."

"What's so good about a Reaper?" I asked.

Kaj spoke up. "Statistically they are the best class and they have amazing abilities. If the Oubliette Orator kills off a character the Reaper gives a saving roll and has a chance of bringing the deceased back as a zombie. The Reaper then gains one thirteenth of the deceased stats, rounded up. And if the reaper dies, it has a fifty percent chance of coming back."

With the talk of reapers I remembered the post it. None of the people at the group had a name that began with H…

The clock above the door said 3:20.

I turned back to the group. "Um, who's the Orator?"

As I asked this question the door opened and a very large male entered.

"Hey Bitches!" He said grinning. He had not only a backpack with him but another case as well. I assumed it was full of his figurines and dice. His grin fell as he looked at the table. He let go of his bags and pointed at the table, "What the fuck are those?"

"That is our Orator, Henry," Chris said. "Henry, this is our latest member, Nick. He is a Reaper class."

I stood up and held out my hand. He reluctantly took it. It was a big mistake on his part. My hand left a shiny glow on his and I knew my job had been done. Apparently Henry thought I left my hand on his a little too long. He rolled his eyes and said under his breath, "Fag." I didn't think I would miss Henry. "What are those?" He asked again pointing at the two figurines.

"I got a new class this weekend. It's an Ogre Princess!" Kaj said excitedly. It made me smile a little.

"It's gay, don't use it." Henry said. My smile went away.

"But it's rare…" Kaj said disappointed.

"I don't care, it's a gay ass abomination." He said and picked up Kaj's Ogre Princess.

Chris leaned in next to me and whispered "He's known as 'eater of characters.' If he doesn't like your figurine, he eats it."

"Isn't that poisonous?" I whispered back.

"Non toxic plastic." Chris said and shrugged.

At 3:22 P.M. Henry Weaver bit the Ogre Princess in half. Her crown got stuck in his throat and he choked. Apparently she didn't like being called a "gay ass abomination." Henry fell backward and hit his head on the clean school tile and died.

We stood around as paramedics tried to lift his massive body out of the room, and his massive spirit stood next to me. I decided to leave and told the police I was too "traumatized" to give a report.

"So am I dead?"

"Yup."

"Are you dead?"

"Not completely."

"Well that's gay."

Some people just never learn.