When we last left our hero and heroine-addict, they were stranded in the middle of Mexico while Edward and the Germans battled for their life against the forces of Satan.
Bella and Jakob walked for what seemed like hours, only stopping when their supermodel bodies couldn't take the intense strain of walking in a straight line. Eventually as the neared the Mexican City of Burrito-Taco-Chimi-Chonga, they spotted a strange shape taking form in the distance. As they neared it, they could make out the outlines of a few scattered huts with concrete barriers strewn about in between.
When they neared the first house, the two stepped up onto the porch and Jakob went to knock. A large, intimidating Mexican man opened the door and stared at them. He got one good luck, and ushered them quickly inside. "Hurry," he said,"We managed to repel them once, but they'll be back for a second attack very soon."
"Who?" asked Bella as she attempted to figure out which of her 3 possible emotions she should be displaying at this bizarre turn of events. "The 'Twilight' fan community!" he exclaimed, "they read this story, and, damn, the backlash was intense. They first attacked our camp at dawn, expecting to find you and..." He was interrupted by the wailing of alarms throughout the building, and the glaring red of emergency lights.
"Sh*t" the Mexican Freedom-Fighter swore, "they're hear, take your positions!" He ushered Bella and Jakob out to a pit dug behind one of the fortifications. "Take these" he said, handing them both an AK-47. Bella stood up and peaked over the fortification.
Hundreds of teenage girls and gay men were charging toward them in a frenzied mob, brandishing guns, pitchforks, torches, chainsaws, pointy sticks, statues of Reese Witherspoon, rocks, and other makeshift weapons, all ready to cut down our heroes.
The Mexican resistance opened fire back at them, a hail of machine gun fire thinning the ranks of the pubescent females and homosexual males. More and more of them collapsed, their "Edward is God" shirts stained with blood. As more and more of them began to reach the front of the trenches, the Mexicans on the front lines pulled out knives and engaged them in hand to hand combat.
Meanwhile, as this epik battle went on, Bella and Jakob just sort of sat there...
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After a few hours of brutal fighting, the Twilight Fans realized that the sheer awesomeness of the Mexican Resistance was too much for their anger-fueled anger. Those that were left alive fled, tripping over their counterparts' dead bodies in their effort to get away from the battle.
"Well, looks like you guys are good to go now" the Mexican guy they met earlier said, "Adios!" The Mexicans piled into their hidden underground base, and blasted off into space. And as we all know, space is a dangerous place... but they're not important right now, back to two of the most hateful people in all of literature!
"Well this... is bad," Bella mumbled. "How are we supposed to get home to save Edward and defeat Satan now?" "I know!" Jakob shouted excitedly. "We can call upon the endless power of Craig Benzine!" With that, he stooped down and drew a strange looking symbol in the sand, and proceeded to light it on fire, somehow.
"Oh comedic genius of Craig Benzine, we invoke your majesty to return us to the land of Small Town, Minnesota!" At his words, thunder clapped in the sky and a bearded man in a flannel shirt fell down from the sky to land in front of them. "Yeah, sure guys, I'll take you there. Let's go!"
In an instant, Bella and Jakob found themselves back in their town of Small Town, which, unfortunately, was still besieged by monsters. The German machines were losing ground, as Satan's forces overwhelmed them with superior numbers.
span /span"Hahahahahah!" cackled Satan in a very evil way. "Now, at last, I can flood the earth with my demons and rule it because that's always been my life's dream!"
span /spanTo be continued in some for or another...
