Thank you for al your reviews. I'm sorry it wasn't clear but this takes place in their sixth year.
Sneaky Hufflepuffs
-
As soon as they were out of sight of the classroom, James Potter heaved his bookbag up into his arms.
"Geez but this weighs a ton, I thought you were going to increase the weightless charm Sirius."
"I did," said his best friend, hauling his own bag into his arms. "But I had to increase the capacity charm so much, if I'd have done the same for weightlessness, it would have overloaded the fabric's spell retention abilities. And then we'd have been in a right mess."
"Oh well, at least Sangrail was his reliable self."
"Have you noticed how his left eye starts to twitch as soon as he sees us?"
"Yep," said James with no small satisfaction. The Potions Professor had originally been especially contemptuous of them but they'd had the man on the run since they were thirteen.
"I feel a bit sorry for Madam Pince though, she's usually really nice to us."
"Then she shouldn't be so picky about people borrowing books."
"It would have been easier if we could have snitched the books one or two at a time," he agreed.
"Not to mention lighter." James held his bag out for emphasis.
"Actually, when you think about it, she deserves having to straighten up her desk for putting us to all this trouble."
"Exactly. Not to mention I had to act like a total klutz in front of Lily."
"But Jay, you do that naturally anyway."
James wished he had a hand free to punch the condescension off his best friend's face. "I do not."
"You do so. One glance from the lovely Miss Evans' green eyes and you have all the coordination of a drunken Centaur."
"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
"I'll have you know I'm a Black. By definition I'm always graceful and sophisticated."
"Sirius, you have a hedgehog on your shoulder."
"So? Freckles is a graceful and sophisticated hedgehog."
"If you say so."
"Don't listen to him Freckles, he's just jealous."
"Yeah, well now Lupin's started noticing you, let's see if you can remain composed while he watches you with his brown eyes."
"Of course I will. And they're not brown, they're a sort of golden hazel."
James snorted with amusement.
"Oh shut up, we're definitely into glass house territory now."
Knowing neither he or Sirius had a leg to stand on when it came to obsessing about the objects of their affection, James kept quiet.
A minute later Sirius wheedled, "Ja-ay?"
"Yes Sirius."
"Lupin. He really was noticing me, wasn't he?"
"Yes he was. Though given you were staring at him like he was a box of Honeydukes' finest, he could hardly fail to."
Sirius blushed.
James sighed and shifted his bag so he could rub at the bridge of nose. "So you reckon it was us they were laughing at?"
"I don't care," said Sirius fiercely. "I haven't seen him laugh, not properly, since that bastard Macmillan outed him. Lupin was so dignified about it, just admitting it was true as calm as anything, but it must have hurt like hell. So, as long as he's laughing again, I don't care if it's at me."
"The rest of Hogwarts will laugh too."
"Hah," he scoffed derisively, "They've been doing that since we were sorted. And he's been so pinched and miserable. I thought he might feel better knowing someone liked him, even it's only a dopey Hufflepuff."
"You're probably right."
"S'worth it then," he said, not looking at James.
"You know, you're something special Sirius Black."
"Yeah right."
"You are." James gritted his teeth, one day he would convince Sirius. "Lupin doesn't know what he's missing."
"Neither does Evans. Mind you, the girl is certifiably loopy; asking Macmillan out, of all people."
"Actually, I've been thinking about that, and I don't reckon she did."
"Eh?"
"Think about it. She's never displayed much of a partiality for him even though he's the Gryffindor golden boy. We've seen her take him to task for bullying more than once."
"True."
"But she's easily the prettiest girl in school."
Sirius rolled his eyes but let thankfully let the comment pass.
"So I think he was the one who asked her out and she turned him down."
Sirius gasped. "And the little snot is just the sort who'd make it her fault. Just because she has the taste not to favour a bridge troll with the manners of a bandersnatch."
"Exactly. So he went round telling everybody he turned her down, because she's such close friends with Lupin and Lupin is gay. I mean, does that even make sense? No, what I think happened is she told Macmillan to take a hike and that she preferred Lupin to him."
"Yeah I can see that. And of course his Highness couldn't tolerate that. Bastard. So he got back at Lupin by outing him, and got back at Evans by saying she was blind enough to ask him on a date."
"Uh Sirius, I think he was getting back at Evans by saying he turned her down."
"How does demonstrating his complete lack of taste put Evans down?"
Sirius had been playing guilelessly thick for far too long, James decided, when it took him a moment of studying his best friend's earnestly wide grey eyes before he could tell Sirius was fooling around.
"Idiot," he said roughly.
Sirius' lower lip started to tremble and he blinked rapidly.
"You have no idea how much I wish I could do that, I always end up looking as I'm going off into spasms."
All suggestion of immanent tears vanished as Sirius grinned widely. "But you can pull off ingenuous indignation. If I try that I always get an attack of the giggles."
"I don't know what you mean," he said, lifting his chin and striking an attitude.
"That's it exactly."
Smiling, James relaxed again. Privately he wished he could drop their pose for long enough to pound some manners into Macmillan. It was bad enough when the lout harassed Sirius but going after Evans was completely beyond the pale. Lily Evans ought to have nothing but the best.
She was utterly perfect. So beautiful just the sight of her made the breath catch in the back of his throat. And so nice, which was such an insipid word, but she was. Even the Slytherins liked her, though it would take Cruciatus to make any of them admit it. Kind-hearted as well, too kind to tell him to shove off, even when he embarrassed her. She did have a ferocious temper, but James, who had been dealing with Sirius' turbulence for years, found it rather sweet. Frankly she was at her most gorgeous when her red hair seemed to crackle with energy and her green eyes flashed with fury
"Jay, James, Jamiekins."
James started as he realised Sirius was calling his name and clicking his fingers in front of his face.
"What?" he snapped, annoyed at being wrenched from his Lily-dreams.
"Phew," said Sirius, hoisting his bag back up into his arms, "Honestly, sometimes you're as dippy as Hogwarts thinks you are."
"What do you want anyway?" he grumbled.
"I want action," Sirius mimed drawing a sword and flourishing it in the air, "The people we esteem have been distressed by a foul knave and my hot blood cries out for vengeance. Freckles will stand my friend. Will you and Widget back us?"
James couldn't help laughing. "Now who's being dippy? But you're right, it looks like this is a job for the Marauders."
Sirius bayed softly like a hound picking up a scent.
-
With sighs of relief they spotted the Statue of the Seeress and, after checking both ways for stray students, activated the secret passage beneath her feet and disappeared into the darkness. As soon as the door closed above their heads, James dumped his heavy bag of books and drew his wand.
"Lumonos."
"So what do you want to do then?" asked Sirius, "Something technical?"
"No, that will take too long. We want something quick and dirty. If we think up something cool later on, we can do that too. He hurt Evans and Lupin, after all."
"Excellent," said Sirius with a disturbingly vicious smile. James suddenly realised that Sirius was even more upset on Lupin's behalf than he'd realised. But then he remembered how zealously Sirius had guarded the secret of his own sexuality and it started to make sense. In fact when he thought of how Sirius would pay back at Grimmauld Place for outing himself to try and make Lupin feel better, James felt quite vicious himself.
"Right," he said, "Let's leave the bags here and head for the Great Hall. If we're quick we can have something set up for dinner."
"We need to get the books back to the library as soon as possible," said Sirius with the air of one willing to be convinced of the opposite.
"Sear, I comprehensively trashed Madam Pince's tracking system and records while you snuck them out the door. She has no idea the books are even missing. They can wait until tonight."
"Okay then." Sirius dropped his bag of books with a huff of breath. "Let's get to it. Oh wait, Freckles is going to get tired of riding around on my shoulder, I better run him upstairs."
"You don't want to use him in the prank?" teased James.
"Absolutely not." Sirius scooped Freckles protectively into his arms. "That clodhopper Macmillan would probably end up squashing him."
"Old softie."
Sirius called his bluff, "Fine use Widget then."
"Too obvious," he said hastily, "Everyone would know it was us."
His best friend just stared at him. James sighed because he knew exactly what stammered apologies they could offer Macmillan for the 'unfortunate' escape of their hedgehogs, and he knew Sirius knew too.
"Oh all right then, you're not a softie, you're a cruel and vindictive son of a bitch."
"That's better, thank you. Now if you pass me Widget, I'll take them upstairs, while you scout out the Great Hall."
"Be careful with him," he said as he undid the sticking charm that held Widget safely on his shoulder and gently handed him over.
"Course I will be," Sirius paused before adding, "You softie."
"Hey, there's no need for that sort of language."
Sirius just laughed at him. James took blatant advantage of him having his hands full of hedgehogs and cuffed him over the head.
"No fair," he complained.
"My hand slipped," said James blinking innocently.
"I pull that face so much better than you do."
"Far be it from me to shatter your delusions," he said superiorly.
Sirius shook his head dolefully, "So sad to see such senility in one so young."
"Oh be off with you. At this rate dinner will be over before you stop yapping. And bring our notes on Recurring Transfigurations back with you, would you? I've got an idea."
They exchanged evil grins.
-
After seeing Freckles and Widget safely bestowed and collecting their file box of notes, Sirius hurried to rejoin his best friend.
"So?" he challenged.
"Let's get up to the Musician's Gallery and I'll tell you about it."
"Oooh long-range. Okay then. You think anyone will miss us?"
"Sirius, has anyone ever missed us?"
"Well no, but…" Lupin had been paying a lot of attention to him, and had stuck up for Freckles. It was possible he'd notice Sirius was absent, wasn't it?
Unfortunately James, the prat, knew exactly what he was thinking.
"No Sear, Lupin won't miss us either."
"He might," said Sirius without much conviction.
"No. He'll be far too busy laughing at Macmillan."
"True," he said more cheerfully, "Musician's Gallery it is."
The Musician's Gallery ran the full length of Great Hall. It was reached through a discrete door beside the side entrance to the Great Hall. Sirius and James had guessed the door's use from it's position in their First Year but it had taken them another three to work out how to get it open.
They'd never managed it while they were exploring but one day, when they'd been planning how to turn all the Slytherins bright green, Sirius had grown frustrated with the non-working door and thumped it. To their surprise, it had swung open.
It had taken a bit of experimentation but they eventually figured out the door's secret. As long as you planned to provide the Great Hall with entertainment, which luckily included turning Slytherins bright green and pranking stuck-up Gryffindors, the door would open.
Once they were safely out of sight, they both relaxed again. The school corridors were enemy territory but in the hidden places of Hogwarts the Marauders ruled supreme.
"Go on then," Sirius prompted.
"It's not very fancy."
"That's bad."
"But it will look brilliant."
"That's better."
"And it's extremely appropriate."
"Even better. So tell, tell." Sirius bounced up and down impatiently.
"Well," his infuriating best friend drew the word out just to see him squirm, "I was thinking about the time we made Snape's tongue vanish every time he called someone a M, that word."
"That was sheer genius," said Sirius, "And it took Madam Pomfrey three weeks to get rid of it. But we never repeat ourselves."
"No but I think if we just tweak things a little."
Sirius listened eagerly as James finally laid out his plan.
"I suppose it'll do," said as begrudgingly as he could manage.
"Brat. It's perfect and you know it is."
Sirius beamed at his best friend. "Okay, it is perfect. But it will take a while to pull it together."
"We have until dinner."
They set to work.
-
They were ready by the time the main clump of students arrived for their meals. There was a sticky moment when they realised the enchantments on the Musician's Gallery that protected them were designed not to let any spells out either. But Sirius thought very firmly at them about entertainment and managed to coax a gap into appearing.
"Go on then James. Better make it quick."
James flicked his wand delicately and smoothly recited the hex. Sirius could just see the whisp of red magic fly through the air and strike Macmillan squarely on the nose. The other boy swatted at his nose as if disturbed by a fly.
"Direct hit."
"Naturally," said James buffing his fingernails on his robe.
"Now all we have to do is wait. Are you sure we should have put a lie-detecting condition in there."
"It was only fair. Besides the way Macmillan boasts it can't possibly take that long."
A slightly garbled shriek of dismay came from the Gryffindor table.
"Okay," said James, "That was rather faster than I was anticipating."
They scurried to the balustrade and peered over the edge.
Macmillan, still screeching, leapt to his feet, waving his arms frantically as his tongue rolled out of his mouth in an ever lengthening stream. As the whole school watched, it divided at the tip and grew as forked as a snake's.
Professor Sangrail recovered first.
"Don't just stand there boy, take yourself off to the hospital wing and stop interrupting dinner."
Macmillan and his sidekick Pettigrew had no choice but to roll up the still growing tongue and stagger off to Madam Pomfrey's tender mercy. As they passed Lily Evans she managed to stop laughing long enough to say in a voice meant to carry,
"And I thought it was Pinocchio's nose that kept growing when he lied."
The roar of laughter from the Muggle-borns was followed by hasty explanations and even more laughter.
Giggling madly, Sirius and James slid down to sit on the floor.
"That was utterly brilliant," said James rapturously.
"And Evans was superb."
"She was wasn't she," agreed James fondly. "It couldn't have gone better if we'd planned it."
"The girl is a natural prankster. No wonder you like her. Lupin seemed rather chuffed too. James?"
"Yes?"
"Can we go and hang around the Statue of the Galloping Gorgon?"
"I thought we'd agreed I wasn't going to stalk Evans any more."
"You're not, I'm stalking Lupin. Oh please James, just this once. He looks happy but you can't really tell from all the way up here. We needn't even let them know we're there. If I could just see him up close…"
"All right, all right. It's not as if I need convincing to hang around where Evans is going to show up."
"Thanks James."
