Wide Awake Dreaming.
The office was abuzz with staff and patients. Two little boys we're chasing one another around the chairs in the waiting area, the youngest boy giggled a little more each time his older brother got closer and closer to him. An older lady watched on, mesmerized by the cute little brothers. Pete tried tirelessly to explain something to the woman but he couldn't compete with the playing children. Charlotte and Cooper added their squabbling to the busy environment as they stepped off of the elevator. It was clear that Charlotte was winning whatever disagreement they were currently having, as the pretty blonde confidently walked in front of a sheepish Cooper with an accomplished smile written across her face. Amelia sat quietly in the nearby kitchen, her eyes practically drowning in the almost cold cup of coffee that sat before her. Amelia shut out the chaotic atmosphere playing out around her, instead silently blending into the background. The other doctors took comfort in Amelia's less worrying presence around the place. Although it was clear there was still a distance and she was still fighting her feelings, it now at least appeared to be a fight that she could win.
'Hey!'
Addison broke the silence, addressing the pale brunette.
'You okay?'
Stupid question! Addison secretly scolded herself after asking Amelia, who flashed a reassuring smile.
'Yeah, I'm okay.. .' Amelia awkwardly paused before recovering the conversation 'Busy day?'
Addison checked her watch knowingly as she quickly finished off her coffee.
'Yeah, actually I'm late for the hospital, story of my life. I better run..'
She joked as she leaned over gently hugging Amelia as she exited. Addison was relieved to have Amelia back in her life, but she was also very conscious of pushing her away again. Their relationship remained somewhat awkward, however for now Addison would take all the small talk she could get. It comforted Amelia knowing that the small talk would keep Addie off of her back at least for a while, so she made the effort to oblige. Although Amelia slowly begun to coexist with her co-workers again, the guilt continued to eat away at her. She had seemingly lowered the walls she had previously put up, but her head was playing mind games with her. Her walls were down but her guard was still very much up.
Although things had changed, Amelia still wasn't ready to completely let Addison in, Jake was her OB and that was the only decision she was completely sure about. She didn't blame Addison for her misfortune, but Addie's involvement in her baby's health made the situation a thousand times harder than it already was. Jake and Amelia we're colleagues, he felt for her and her situation the way the rest of the doctors did. The difference was they didn't have a history; it wasn't as personal as it was with the others. She needed to be strong, people like Addison and Charlotte felt too deeply for her and that got in the way of her holding it together. Most importantly despite Jakes assurance, Amelia blamed herself for her situation. She listened and understood Jake as he reassured her, but deep down she couldn't help but feel guilty. She was too scared to even wonder if the others blamed her too, so she held it all in, smiled and made small talk.
Her feelings confused her, made her angry and terrified her. The words and feelings thrown around during her little confrontation with Addison the week before was only a tiny insight into Amelia's mind and what she was feeling. The rest she kept carefully locked away from everyone, including herself. The days she was a patient in Jakes office were the hardest. These were the days she came closest to unlocking the tornado of feeling she had pent up. As a doctor she was in control, she was confident when she cut, but as a patient she felt helpless.
'The baby's foetal heart rate is strong, that's good news'
Sitting up on Jake's patient bed she played with her AA chip. She hadn't been to a meeting in a while, she feared the judgement. A pregnant junkie sitting in the back row didn't appeal to Amelia. For now she was handling it. However a concerned Jake wasn't so sure that this was the case.
'Are you planning a slip?'
Jake inquired, immediately getting Amelia's attention.
'My wife use to play with one of those when she was planning a slip'
Amelia continued to play with the chip.
'You don't plan a slip, that's why they call it a slip. You just, you fall..'
Jake was a colleague and her doctor but he was starting to care for the entire practice and Amelia wasn't exempt from those feelings.
'Sometimes, sometimes you fall. My wife, she used to plan them'
Afraid of where the conversation was going Amelia played coy with Jake, who right now was morphing into fine looking version of her already concerned friends Addison and Charlotte.
'I didn't know you had a wife..'
He may not have had a history with Amelia but he did have one with his dead wife. Amelia had no idea how closely Jake could identify with her addiction.
Jake wasn't playing games. He knew the signs and he knew Amelia's situation.
'Are you planning a slip?'
'What happened with your wife?'
Amelia continued to play coy
'Did you get a divorce? I've never heard you talk about her'
A frustrated Jake put a stop to the back an fourth firmly making his point.
'Your baby's heart rate is strong right now. Let's keep it that way'
Amelia looked away and allowed Jake to finish the examination in silence. She wasn't Jake's wife, she didn't plan slips but truth be told deep down inside of her she could feel herself slipping, but where to she didn't know.
Her conversation with Jake played on her mind. She was an addict and right now she was caught in a vicious cycle. The baby growing in her belly was a constant reminder of Ryan, the man she truly loved. But he was dead and her baby was now likely to face the same fate. She wanted to make the pain stop, the way she had when she was with Ryan. Fortunately she had seemingly learned from her mistakes and although she had no problems hurting herself, the bond she felt with her unborn child stopped her from hurting her herself as well as her little ticking time bomb. At least for now she would keep fighting and there would be no slips.
As she lay in her messed up bed she tossed and turned, her mind fighting the urge to sleep. She fought the temptation to give in and get up until she couldn't fight it anymore. She was up and awake! She dragged herself out of bed and in to the kitchen in search of a glass of water. She rubbed her sleepy eyes as she took note of the growing pile of dirty dishes waiting to be stacked into the dishwasher. Making her way to the patio she stood breathing in the fresh, beach air. The night was still and the sunlight was still partially present. A little girl played by the water under the watchful eye of her adoring father. Amelia smiled as the little girl broke into fits of laughter as her father chased after her. Cupping her mug she continued to contently watch them, her stare catching the attention of the cute little girl. Amelia nervously tried to look away, but it was too late the little girl appeared to be running towards her.
'Mommyyyyy!'
The little girl squealed, excitedly as her dad run after her.
'Excuse me? No. I'm sorry I was just.. Is that your dad?'
Amelia pointed to the man in the distance. She was startled by the child's presence and the sudden situation; however she now appreciated her mother's constant lecturing about the etiquette of staring.
'Ahhh..'
Amelia could barely put a sentence together as the man in the distance got closer. The little girl just giggled at Amelia's incoherent mutter as she perched herself comfortably on the sun lounge beside her. The man waved as Amelia searched his face from far away.
'Hey you! Get back here kiddo'
The tall dark stranger yelled out to the happy little girl who had made herself at home. His voice was eerily familiar and as he got closer Amelia could make out his features. Her heart completely stopped as he smiled at her, it was Ryan.
'Hey babe!ยด He kissed a shocked Amelia 'How'd you sleep? I tried to keep the little rug rat out here as long as I could'
It was Ryan. His kiss felt the same and her heart felt the same. The little girl looked at home because she was at home; she had the same piercing blue eyes as her mother, Amelia. As the little girl jumped up from her cosy position like a little jack in the box, Amelia remained frozen. This didn't faze the child as she reached out to her mother wrapping her tiny arms around her waist, hugging her tightly. Ryan smiled, drying himself off with a nearby towel.
'I love you Mama'
The little girl declared as she nestled her tiny, perfect head into Amelia's stomach. Amelia found the strength to touch the little girl. Her hair was soft and her skin was warm. Her eyes we're her mothers and her nose her fathers. Her tiny little dimples completed the package, she was perfect. Amelia smiled down at the loving little girl and in that moment she had no words that would even come close to describing the love she felt.
'I love you, too'
Amelia mumbled, waking herself up. She caught her breath and sat up, jumping out of bed she rushed to the patio. The dishes were still stacked up and the night was still, with the sunlight partially present. But her little girl and Ryan were gone. She couldn't hold it in anymore, she lovingly held her stomach as she began to cry. Her tears streamed down her face as she crumbled to the floor, mourning the man she once had and the life she would never have. She could lie to Jake but she could no longer lie to herself, she was starting to slip.
