ALEX STRIDER:
Bored of the Rings
An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody
Written by Nathan Labonté
Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics
This chapter was a lot of fun to write. It is a transcript from Baggins' birthday, and someone gets a little heavy to pantsfrom an expanding source. Also, half as blah ad half of you parody-type thing.
Chapter 3: Heavy to Pants
The day of the party arrived. It's was a wonderful party! There was food (in case you don't know, most hobbits are fat) and drink and gifts for all, plus a speech that bored most people. Here is the transcript:
Bilbo: Hello!
Everyone: Hi.
(At this point, most were bored from the prospect that there was going to be a speech at all)
Bilbo: Hello Tooks and Brandybucks, and Sackville-Bagginses, and Proudfoots, and
Proudfoot: Proudfeet!
Bilbo: Proudfoots. Baggins, and – oh, what the heck? Moving on: today we are here for a special occasion: to celebrate my birthday! I know half of you half as well as I'd like to know you, and half of you eat half as much as you ought to, and half of a quarter of you are half of an eighth of the height as a quarter of a half of you!
(As you might not know, hobbits are usually terrible mathematicians, and they had absolutely no idea of what Bilbo said. They thought long, and most of them banged their heads on the table. Hobbits are fat AND dumb.)
Bilbo: We are also here to celebrate the thirty-third birthday of my nephew... or is he my cousin? You know, Tolkien never really specifies... but on with it. I have been feeling rather sick for the past little while. At first I thought it was fever or something, but eventually I figured out that it is cancer.
(All the hobbits look at each other and shrug. You see, hobbits are supposedly immune to disease, and they'd never even heard of cancer (you see, it's a thing of the future))
Bilbo: I picked it up from a dragon once while travelling in the Misty Mountains, but that's another story for another time. But there won't be another time, because I am leaving. You all suck. BYE!
And with that, Bilbo slipped his hand in his pocket. Nothing happened. "Oh no, it appears I left it on my mantle! One moment if you will..." Bilbo slipped out the door of the tent and went inside the house. He picked up a little ring. But it seemed to grow in size and become heavier. He put it in his pocket. He walked back into the tent. A few seconds earlier, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins had said: "Worse, he says a gross of hobbits!" (In hobbit talk, for some reason, (probably one of those fool Tooks) a hobbit called a grouping of 144 a gross. And it's rude to say it about hobbits, since it's like a lump sum.)
Bilbo stood up back on the table. His pants fell off his legs. He turned a shade of red (you could see it on his legs) and he pulled them back up. Whistles and hoots were heard, at which point Bilbo yelled out in frustration: "OK, I'm going, you GROSS OF HOBBITS!" And with that he disappeared. "How VULGAR!" Lobelia said. Frodo stood up. "Alright, party's done, GET OUT OF HERE OR I'LL MURDER YOU WITH THE DRAGON FIREWORK!" Everyone left.
Back in his little hole at Bag End, Bilbo laughed. "I sure fooled them!" Gandalf suddenly jumped out of the fire. "AAAAAHHHHHH!" he yelled, stopped, dropped, and rolled. The fire went out. Gandalf swore in the Gandalf language. "Bilbo, you old fool! How many times have I told you to put out your fire because I'm coming down the chimney?"
Bilbo shrugged. "It was his fault!" He pointed at the ring. Gandalf's eyes bulged, and almost popped out of his head. He quickly pushed them back. "Bilbo, I am glad that you are parting with the–"
"My PREEECIOUS!" Bilbo said in a dark and foreboding tone. He then got up and did the can-can. "WHOOO!" he exclaimed. "Rings and cake give me sugar rushes!" He danced around for five minutes before Gandalf slammed his staff into the side of Bilbo's head.
"OW!" Bilbo said. "SHUT UP!" Gandalf said. Bilbo did. "Good, I suppose you are leaving the ring to Frodo." Bilbo nodded. "Good. Put it on the mantle and GIT!" Bilbo did so, and left, singing: "The road goes ever on and on… until it goes off a cliff and you follow it and you die…" Gandalf sighed, and shut the door behind Bilbo. He had a lot to discuss with Frodo.
I'm working on more chapters! I hope people are reading this! Next: Back to the future? No, forward to the past!
And, by the way, I love these series. I don't hate them. Which gives me all the more right to do this ;P
