Remus and Tonks were now sitting in the kitchen with half empty tea cup. Remus knew the mindless chatter they were engaged in moments ago was wearing thin. Remus did not want Tonks to leave so he got more to the point, "Well now you know about my 'furry little problem,' as James and Sirius called it, I want to hear about your life, which I am sure is by far more interesting than mine."
Tonks was very interesting indeed and Remus wanted to drink in every detail and every word she spoke but Tonks was having none of that. She shook her head at him and stated, "Today is your coming out of the werewolf closet day and I am not letting you back in just yet. I want to know more…" She took a moment to think of where to start. Should she ask how he got the scares? Has he ever bitten anyone else? How bad does it hurt to transform? Was silver really poisonous to him? How did it make him feel? Tonks settled with the beginning of the story and hopefully the nitty-gritty questions would be answered later, "So for how long have you had this 'furry little problem'?"
Remus gazed back at Tonks taking in her expression she was very curious and excited to hear about his condition. Remus looked away, 'Well she will just have to be disappointed because I am a human being and do not deserve to be gawked at.' He glanced back and Remus saw a glimmer of wonderment in her eyes… 'That is a new way of taking it.' Remus thought. No one ever looked at his condition as a sense of wonder it was always thought of a disgusting horrid event. This eased Remus' tension and his momentary irritation with her.
After clearing his mind, and taking several heavy gulps of air to calm him, Remus began somberly with the tale of how he had received the bite that changed his life forever. He had had so many different dreams of where his life would end up but that night all those dreams were taking out from under him
"I was seven years old," This was not the type of conversation Remus had had in mind when he invited Tonks to the kitchen for tea but for some reason, unbeknown to him, Remus felt compelled to tell her everything, he felt she deserved the whole story, "I snuck out from my house during a full moon and went to explore in the woods that were beside my house. I was always a curious boy and I loved the outdoors. From the moment I was born to this moment in time I have always had trouble sleeping, my mind always wanders, and that night it had wandered to the pond that laid a half a mile into the woods. I spent many hours out there swimming with my parents it was always a place I was happy."
'Well isn't that slightly ironic considering I think of Remus' eyes as a pool I could float in forever and be perfectly happy for the rest of my life….' Tonks thought to herself and again the picture of the white house popped up again but this time there was a pond in the front where their children were splashing around and spraying one another.
"My parents were asleep so I slipped out my window for a midnight swim. I wasn't even 20 feet into the trees when I heard a low growl from behind me. By the time I had whorled around the grey werewolf was already crouched down with his claws scrapping the dirt off the forest floor before I could so much as run or scream the wolf pounced. I couldn't do anything except scream for my life," Remus who was refusing to look up from the floor sighed heavily, "He bit my neck and when I fell back my head collided with a tree trunk knocking me unconscious. I don't really remember much after that. Supposedly I woke up delirious and began screaming and that is when my parents heard me and rushed to my side but they were too late. The werewolf had already bitten me and the infection already spread. I was unconscious for a week and suffering from not only fatal werewolf bites and scratches but also from loss of blood and trauma. I woke up I was at St. Mungo's with bandages covering the entirety of my body and found my parents by my bedside sick with worry and tear stained cheeks. The look in their eyes was unbearable and still haunts me at night. They told me what happened and what I had become but I was too young to understand fully until my first full moon, came."
"That is horrible!" Tonks whispered with her eyes brimming with tears, "I'm so sorry."
Remus smiled weakly, "There's nothing any one could have done. It was my own stupidity. Luckily my parents didn't disown me and thank Merlin for Dumbledore. If he hadn't made the necessary arrangements and accepted me into Hogwarts I would have never met James or Sirius and as hard as it is to believe I would be in even worse shape, as far as life goes, then I am now. Sometimes I lay in bed wondering what had made the werewolf stop his attack. Why did he not just finish the job and kill me there? I should be dead but I'm not and even though there are times when it seems that it would be better if I was dead I know there is a reason why I am still here. So I make sure to full fill every good duty I can and make the world a better place and how knows perhaps before I do pass away I can help ensure prejudice against civil werewolves is extinct. It is the least I can do. Whatever task Dumbledore sets out for me I will do with great honor and will continue to make the Wizarding World a better place. I still have faith in the good of our kind. I gave up on it once after experiencing the endless rejection during my first year Hogwarts and that is when Merlin sent me Sirius and James. They were truly good at heart and when I told them of what I was they stuck with me through it all and even helped my transformations be a little more bearable."
Tonks laid her hand on Remus' and said, "I'm not going anywhere, I'll stick with you too, every step of the way. You deserve so much more then what you have been given. You are a good man, Remus Lupin, and I am honored to work alongside you."
They exchanged smiles as they reflected on the words that were just said. Remus has never been able to open up so easily to anyone like that. He felt stupid for moving the flood gates so fast and allowing all those things to pour out of his mouth all at once but it had made Remus feel a heck of a lot better now and Tonks was a grown woman who could handle it, he vowed never to misjudge her again.
And Tonks just couldn't believe the power of the words Remus has spoken. This poor man was hurt and believed he should be… be… dead! The very thought of a cold vacant Remus made the edges of Tonks' heart fracture a bit. She vowed to herself that she would help him find his purpose and make sure he never thought that ever again. The world without Remus would be like Sirius without a joke, it just would have no point.
The silence was growing heavier by the second so Remus opened his mouth to express his gratitude towards Tonks, even though words could not even begin to describe it, when a very boisterous Sirius busted open the kitchen door. He was red in the face and shooting angry words and strings of profanities behind him. When Sirius' eye caught Tonks and Remus he stopped dead in his stampede. His eyes then traveled from their faces to Tonks' hand which was still laying on Remus' and a huge smile erupted on his face.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why, hello Nymphadora," He exclaimed in a playful voice as he watched Tonks quickly removed her hand. He raised an eyebrow at the two of them, "Fancy seeing you here and my good friend Moony too! You lot seem to be quite the couple." He gave them both an evil grin. "Speaking of couple… What were you two up too before I stormed in?"
Remus glared draggers at Sirius, 'I'm gonna KILL him!' He thought angrily with fire in his eyes, 'He's making a complete fool out of me and he's enjoying it, the stupid git! No regard for anyone else's feelings but his own. I'll sure as bloody hell I'll tell him what we were up too.' He thought with balled fists. Remus always got flustered and embarrassed by outward relationships. He was old fashion and rather shy and yet Sirius always insisted on making a scene of it.
Slightly uncomfortable, Remus shifted away from Tonks and when he looked back he was surprised to find her cheeks slightly red and she seemed to be avoiding Sirius' gaze. This softened Remus a little and instead of telling Sirius off, which he fully planned on still proceeding with later once Tonks had left the premises, he decided a simple truthful answer would suffice, "We were just having a cup of tea and some nice conversation about our childhoods. What about you, Sirius, who was it that you were just shouting at?"
The smirk on Sirius' face immediately fell as his anger quickly crept back, "Dumbledore. I asked him if I could be one of Harry's guardians because, after all, I am his godfather but he wants me to stay locked up here and hidden. He knows I HATE this place, I mean I did run away from here. Generally, when one runs away from a place you would think it was made clear that they did not plan on coming back nor do they want to, especially not for a long term residents. I can't stand to stay here forever with these horrid memories! If only I could run outside in the fresh air once for not even a full hour but nooo he thinks it is too dangerous for me to leave my personal hell. As if I haven't already served every wrong doing, whether mild or major, in my past, present and future during all those wasted years in Azkaban. If I don't get some fresh air soon I'll die! I need to run! I need to make sure Harry is alright."
"It'll be alright," Tonks said, "Harry will be here in no time and you'll be just as entertained with him as you would be if you were catching Frisbees in the park. And don't worry Harry is being watched by the best. Remus and I will not let a hair fall off his hair without our approval. He will be safe and at quarters soon, Sirius."
"Yeah that's what it'll seem like to you while you work and have other activities outside of this house to attend but I have nothing to keep me occupied until Harry gets here." Sirius thought for a moment and make a rather loud proclamation, "Hey, Moony, full moon is just around the corner, what would you say to a nice prowl around the surrounding woods in the moonlight for old time sakes?"
Sirius stared back excitedly at them like a puppy waiting for a treat and a pat on the head when suddenly his smile froze as his brain processed what he had just said in front of Tonks, "Oh, erm, I mean not that it has to be on full moon or anything... the waning moon is always a nice slight too."
Remus chuckled, "Don't worry Padfoot, you did not spoil anything, Dumbledore already did the honors of letting my 'furry problem' slip to everyone."
"You know then?" Sirius ogled at Tonks as she nodded slowly waiting for him to get to the point, "You know Remus is a werewolf and yet here you sit drinking tea with him and holding his hand!?" He inquired in a fake disgusted voice.
"Do you really think I'm that shallow, Sirius?" She retorted at Sirius' mocking smile that played on his lips. He winked at Tonks and gave a short nod to Remus as if proving a point. There was absolutely no reasoning with his man.
"I was just testing you, Nymphie." Sirius winked again at Tonks, "Well my job here is done. Looks like I'm not needed. Hark, what is that I hear? I do believe that was Buckbeck calling for some food, see you two around." With that he turned on his heels and left through the same door he came fuming through but this time with a triumphant look on his face leaving the other two staring after him.
******
Later that night, Sirius snuck up on Remus and proclaimed in a childish voice, "You like Tonks!"
Remus jumped at the sound of his best friend's confrontation. Remus had been trying to avoid this expected outburst of Sirius' all day by busying himself around the house but Sirius had finally caught and cornered him.
Remus, who was trying to be nonchalant, turned around to face his friend and sighed while shaking his head and said, "Sirius don't be stupid."
Sirius threw his head back and laughed out loud, "You're the one who's being a stupid git! How can you even try to deny the chemistry that is between you two? It is almost tangible. There is no point in denying that you do have feelings for Tonks when you know very well that I know you all too well. I'm a Marauder, remember, and your best friend, I will get you to say the truth. I mean geez, it is written all over your face, Moony, spelled out in big neon letters. I saw the way you reacted when I first walked in on you two earlier. You got all red in the face and looked like you wanted to murder me because I ruined your little moment and clued her in on what you fail to: THAT YOU LIKE HER!" Sirius laughed again, "You know you're not very good at hiding things, Moony. Never were. After all, it didn't take us that long to realize you were a werewolf. Tonks is fully aware that you're a werewolf and yet she doesn't care. She still looks at you with those puppy dog eyes. You have nothing to hide behind now that your only defense was taken away."
"So what if you're right. Let us just say, for fun, that I do like Nymphadora, very much, what now? It still doesn't change anything. She could never really love a werewolf, they are..." Remus sighed and swallowed, "We're not meant to have relationships. We don't deserve love. Sirius, you have to trust me on this. Tonks is so much better off without me in her life. It is bad enough I am her friend."
"But Remus..."
"Please, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't want to get hurt again. It is too hard. I cannot take it." Remus dropped his head and there was a sad silence.
Sirius knew Remus was serious and decided to drop the subject... for now, "So what about that full moon, coming up?"
*******
On the day of the full moon, Remus woke up late feeling sick to his stomach. As he shifted his whole body felt weak and every bone in his body ached and protested against this moment. Remus felt his temples throbbing and inwardly groaned at the thought of both having to take his wolfsbane and his upcoming transformation.
The wolf was right there in the corner of his mind already and Remus knew it. Even though the full moon would not rise until for another 6 hours he could feel his senses heightening and his aching body shift to full alert mode once he opened his eyes. Slowly he got out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He stared into the mirror and saw a very pale old man staring back. He looked fragile and worn thin down to the core and his normally grey eyes appeared to be hazed and darker (almost black), 'I have a feeling that tonight is definitely not going be one of my better transformations.' He forced a smile which turned out to be a wince of pain.
"Are you ok?" Remus looked up and found Sirius leaning on the door frame with a concerned look on his face, "I mean no offence but you look horrible!"
'No matter how many times I have seen him go through his transformations month after month I can never get over how horrible he looks the day of the full moon. Poor guy looks like he is going to kick the bucket at any given minute.' Sirius thought.
Remus attempted another smile but failed miserably, "Tonight's not feeling too good."
"Is there anything you want me to get you?"
"No, I'll be ok."
'Yeah right!' They both thought to themselves.
"Are you sure you feel alright?" Sirius asked doubtfully.
"Thanks for your concern Padfoot, but I will be turning into a werewolf in less than 8 hours, so how do you think I feel right now? You know there is nothing that you can do right now to make me feel better, I do appreciate it very much though."
Sirius laughed at his friend, "I guess you're right. Oh and by the way Dumbledore wants to see you down stairs when you get a chance."
"Ok," Remus replied as he splashed his face once more before going down to talk with Dumbledore.
Remus walked down the stairs slowly and found Dumbledore in the drawing room, with his back to him, staring intensively at the Black family tree tapestry. Remus cleared his throat which turned into a coughing fit and the old wizard turned to face him with a smile, "Good afternoon, Remus. I must ask: how you are feeling."
"Hello Professor. I'm feeling the best I can, I guess." He hated when people asked that question. Remus started feeling dizzy so he sat down to prevent himself from falling over. "Sirius said you wanted to discuss something with me?"
"Yes, down to business I see, well, first off, I was curious as to where you were planning on staying during your transformation?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably around in his chair thinking about his and Sirius' plans for the night. Remus had always felt guilty about gambling with Dumbledore's trust, "Well, I haven't gotten that far yet. I still don't have a house yet, so I don't know where I should go. I am too weak to apparate to the Shrieking Shack. Maybe Sirius could lock me up in the attic here."
"I suppose that could work. I will have the Weasley's leave for a day or two until you are feeling better." Dumbledore remarked, "I also came to give you your potion. Snape has agreed to make it for you from now on, seem to take a bit of convincing." Dumbledore added with a twinkle in his eyes.
Dumbledore held out a goblet of bubbling, clumpy, grey, thick liquid. Remus shuddered involuntary and turned a pale green before he took the potion from him and nodded. He was not looking forward to taking it. Not at all.
"Thank you very much, sir." Remus said in a hoarse voice as his throat became dry as if in protest, it knew of the horrible taste to come.
"Well, I must be off. I'll have a word with Molly and then be on my way." Dumbledore turned to leave and concluded with, "Do take care, Remus, you don't look so well."
Remus just nodded in acknowledgement now too weak to speak. The vapors from the potion engulfed Remus and he felt his stomach begin to clench in unwanted anticipation. Dumbledore left him to take the potion. Remus hated taking his Wolfsbane; it smelt like a rotten cabbage stuffed inside a pair of old gym socks. And it tasted worse then it smelt. No matter how many times Remus has taken it he could never get use to the vial taste.
'Bottom ups,' Remus thought as he plugged his nose and tipped the goblet up to allow the contents to pour faster down his throat. As he swallowed the potion he could feel it working almost immediately, it felt as if it was washing his veins all throughout his body. As soon as the potion had completely finished its course Remus started to feel sick and light headed again, 'So much for relief.' The wolf said. 'No one said this was going to be pleasant, I do this to maintain cool and collected thoughts while my body is being hijacked by a monster.' Remus retorted just before a violent sweep of nausea went through him. 'I haven't been this bad in a while.' Remus thought back through his transformations and remembered going to St. Mungo because they had been really bad. The nurse at St. Mungo had told him and his parents that emotional stress and heart break can cause transformations to be more painful. Those particular transformations happened after his long time girlfriend, Lizzy, broke up with him after he told her of his 'furry little problem.' Remus had taken his time in telling her because he enjoyed being with her so much. When they were together all thoughts of the pain of his condition vanished and he did not want to bring her into his pain because then the questions would start and the pity. He wanted their relationship to never change, it was prefect the way it was, all they wanted from one another was love, so they lived in bliss for just over a year. But when the two love birds started talking about their future together Remus knew he would have to tell her the truth behind his "business trips every month". After Remus laid everything out on the table and let her see all of him she threw it all in his face. She told him she couldn't handle being with a monster, let alone loving one, and with that she stormed off without a single glance back. Remus had loved her very much and it had hurt him more than any transformation he had ever been through. He thought that their love was strong enough that she wouldn't care about his condition but obviously he was wrong. His 'little furry problem' was not so little to her. Ever since then Remus refused to let any woman into his life, and never dated again.
Remus normally would have been
sad after being reminded of his past but when he heard Mrs. Blacks
screams from the hall his heart skipped a beat and he and he got up
to see if Nymphadora had stopped by. Once he stood Remus felt like
all the oxygen to his brain was cut off and his legs felt like they
were under the Tarantallegra spell (the spell Neville was put under
in the department of mysteries, that made his legs uncontrollable)
and seemed unable to support him. As if in slow motion Remus began
falling to the floor but he did not remember hitting the floor at all
because he had passed out cold. Surrendering to darkness.
******
