Author Notes:
Thank you for all the feedback, I appreciate it.
There might not be an update for several weeks as I'm in the beginning stages of a 900-mile move. I'll try to get the next part up as soon as I can, but please allow me some time as this move is proving to be stressful.
I do hope you enjoy this latest chapter. I'm experimenting not only with writing from various POV's but I'm also trying out some different styles.
3. Broken Down Machinery
He went to work every day; the smile on his face false and the words he spoke lies. He felt deceitful.
He was deceitful.
As far as anyone knew though, he was fine.
"I'm fine," he'd reply to Owen; to Tosh; to Gwen; to Jack.
Just fine.
He wasn't fine though. He was in agony and it was tearing him apart inside. It wasn't just the constant vigilance he was forced to employ so no one discovered her, but the sad fact everything in his life was wrapped up in the Torchwood Hub. Without it he had nothing.
But he was fine.
His life had had meaning before Canary Wharf. He was happy and making plans for a future. Now he felt as if he were going through the motions. He was no longer happy, and he couldn't conceive of a future beyond the day he was stuck in. His days would blur together as he spent countless hours alone in the archives with nothing but his misery for company.
He was lonely; and alone. He felt he didn't even know himself anymore. He'd been lying and pretending for so long he was becoming unrecognizable to himself.
Jack tried to include him and sometimes he thought Jack could see the hurt he was trying so hard to hide. But Jack never said anything.
A part of him wanted to be found out. Then the lying would be over. In a way it would be a relief.
But Lisa.
The pain of thinking about her truly gone was too much so he went through the motions. He made sure Jack had his coffee and his coat. Jack would be sure to compliment his tie, or give him a mischievous grin, or bump his hand against his and offer an insincere apology before winking and walking away. He treasured these moments of physical human contact. If he were honest, he treasured Jack.
Immediately upon their first meeting he had sensed something larger than life about him. Jack was commanding in his presence, and he was willing to do anything Jack asked. This didn't help the fact that every time Jack spoke to him or touched him he felt more guilt over his deception. Not only because of what it meant to those he was deceiving, but because of how he felt about Jack. He couldn't reconcile what it was exactly; he just knew the feelings were strong.
He admired Jack greatly. He was a true hero, someone he looked up to. The eventual disappointment Jack would feel regarding his betrayal would be crushing. He didn't want to disappoint Jack, but his intention from the start had been to save Lisa and he had to keep trying. He never considered he'd actually come to care for the people he was lying too. He didn't think he'd be waging a war within himself over his loyalties to Lisa and his loyalties to Torchwood. All he knew was that he would gladly die for Lisa. He wondered if he would ever feel that way about Torchwood.
Still…
"I'm fine," he'd answer again and again.
He wondered if anyone even heard him when he said it. They would reach for their coffee and ask how he was, yet their eyes wouldn't leave the DVD playing on the screen, or the computer monitor, or the magazine article, or the newspaper on the desk. He didn't mind. It was easier to fake happy when no one was looking too closely.
Back to the archives he'd go and he'd wait. Eventually they'd be called away and he could sneak to see Lisa. To tell her how he really was feeling. How he was not fine. How he missed her.
She acted so hopeful. Each time he woke her and told her he had made no progress separating her from the conversion unit, she never blamed him. She never got angry. He felt completely useless but Lisa' faith in him fueled him to work harder. So much time had been wasted already and he ached for her arms to hold him like they used to. He yearned to hear her throaty laugh when he'd say something she thought funny.
When the team wasn't called away he would order food for lunch. He would fake laughter and smile along with everyone. He was so good at faking it was becoming harder for him to remember what it really felt like to be happy; to laugh because he wanted too not because he was expected to.
But if you were to ask anyone on the team they'd tell you he was fine. They didn't know any different. They didn't try to know any different.
The days they spent together in the Hub, as a team, Jack would watch him. He saw him out of the corner of his eye as he watched his movements. Those were the days he thought maybe Jack could see beyond the protective wall. But all Jack ever said was he looked tired, or he spent too much time at the Hub, or to eat more vegetables. As if the circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin were from a lack of vitamins.
Things began to change when he found Doctor Tanizaki. For the first time in a long time he felt real hope for his and Lisa's future. The weeks spent emailing and talking on the phone gave him something to strive for.
Finally, plans were made to bring Doctor Tanizaki to Cardiff.
