Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.
Many thanks to EmayaShipper4eva for some great ideas.
Stef spend a great deal of time thinking about what Lena had said to her. She knew that she had made some mistakes and she hated keeping things from Lena, but when it came to keeping Callie, that was all that she was focused on. She hadn't taken the time to think about how that might make Lena feel and she felt horrible that she had hurt her wife in anyway. She decided that she had to so something in order to save her marriage and though that a day to themselves would do them a lot of good.
After Lena went to take a bath and relax, Stef slipped out of their room and went to find Brandon. Once she made it down the stairs she asked to see him in the kitchen. Brandon did not know what was going on, but figured it was important and excused himself from the living room where his siblings were still watching a movie.
"Hey B, I was just wondering if you could take all of your siblings out for the day tomorrow?"
"Sure, we can go play mini golf or something. I can find something to keep them busy. What's going on?" Brandon asked with genuine concern.
"Mama is a little stressed out and I think that it would just do us some good to have the house to ourselves for the day and spend a little time together."
"Okay, I will tell everyone tonight and we will get out as early as possible. Just give me a call when you want me to bring everyone home."
"Thank you B. I really appreciate it," Stef said as she gave him sixty dollars for food and whatever else would keep them busy.
She hugged her son and then went back upstairs hoping to join Lena in the bath.
Once she was back in her room, Stef closed their door and undressed, putting on her bathrobe. She grabbed her pajamas and started to walk into the bathroom.
When she opened the door, she was surprised to see Lena jump.
"I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to startle you," Stef said with a bit of confusion on her face. She was having a hard time figuring out what Lena seemed to be trying to cover herself.
She walked over and started to rub Lena's shoulders, causing the darker woman to relax a little bit. "Do you mind if I join you?" Stef asked, but from the way Lena tensed when she asked made her wonder if that was such a good idea. She had no idea what was going on with her wife, but she was starting to think that it was more than just being worried about their relationship. Lena had never tensed up when Stef touched her before and Stef wasn't really sure how to react.
"I am almost done, but if you want to come in, I guess that's fine," Lena replied.
Stef decided that she did not want to intrude and it really didn't sound like Lena wanted company, so she grabbed her stuff. "I think I just go get dressed in the bedroom," Stef said with obvious hurt and a little bit of annoyance lacing her voice. With that statement she walked out of the bathroom and shut the door rather loudly behind her.
Lena felt awful about the way that she had responded to Stef, but she just felt guilt any time Stef touched her. She had never been uncomfortable with Stef touching her before, but now when she did or even when she saw her naked, she felt like she had completely betrayed Stef.
When she finally went into the bedroom, Stef was asleep facing the opposite wall. She silently crawled into bed, but made sure to keep her distance so she didn't disturb Stef. Hours seemed to go by as she thought about what she had done. Stef was being so nice to her, but she knew that she didn't deserve it. She had been the one that was going to hurt Stef. She knew she would have to tell her eventually, but she just couldn't do that to Stef right now in order to simply relieve her own guilt.
The next morning, Stef woke up around seven and decided that she would bring Lena breakfast in bed. On her way down, she looked into all of the kids rooms and surprisingly, none of them were in bed. She made her way downstairs and found a note left by Brandon saying that they were out for the rest of the day. She got to work on breakfast and then got ready to surprise her love.
Lena woke up to a wonderful aroma. She was just getting ready to get out of bed when Stef came through the door carrying a tray with french toast, bacon and orange juice on it.
"Good morning my love, I thought you might enjoy a romantic breakfast in bed seeing that we have the house to ourselves today."
Lena smiled. She loved how much Stef cared and was willing to give her the world. That just brought up the feeling of guilt over what she had done, but since Stef had put so much time and effort into making her breakfast, she decided that she just needed to spend time with Stef and convince her that nothing was wrong.
After a lovely breakfast, both women started getting ready for the day. Lena was in the bathroom showering when Stef came through the door. She could see Lena tense up and turn away through the steamy glass shower door and had no idea how to react other than leaving the room. She went into the bedroom and started getting dressed.
She spent some time thinking and then the cop in her started asking questions. From the way that Lena had distanced herself from the entire family and the way that she jumped or flinched anytime Stef touched her or walked in when she was not fully clothed, Stef was starting to wonder if something had happened that Lena was not telling her. She thought that if something had happened that she would come to her, but with the way Lena kept reacting to her, she didn't know what to think.
After Lena was dressed, she made her way downstairs to see Stef sitting on the couch. She took a seat slightly away from her and then got very uncomfortable when Stef moved closer and put her hand on her leg.
Stef felt the way that she reacted and decided that for her own peace of mind, she would have to ask Lena some difficult questions.
"Lena, are you alright? You keep flinching everytime I touch you."
"I'm fine Stef, I am just a little stressed."
"That is not what it looks like Lena. Did something happen that you haven't told me?"
With that statement, Lena became rigid. She did not want to lie to Stef, but she couldn't tell her the truth either. "Nothing happened, why would you ask such a question?" Lena said in a very defensive tone.
"Lena, you want let me see you naked, and everytime I have tried to kiss or touch you other than the few times you broke down in my arms, you have either flinched or pulled away or made some sort of excuse. We have been together over ten years, I know when you are not being honest with me and when something is wrong," Stef said, her face and voice showing her concern. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. Did someone hurt you?"
"No Stef, its nothing like that. I would have told you if it was."
"Then what is it Lena, I want to help you through whatever it is that you are going through, but you have to let me in." Stef looked at her reaction and just didn't know what to think. Lena sat there rigid and barely even looking at her.
"Lena, is it that you aren't attracted to me anymore? Is that what this is about?" Stef said, trying very hard to contain her emotions and the pain that was seeping into her voice.
"Stef, how could you even say that. I love you so much it hurts. I am just not in a very good place right now and I don't know what to do about it."
"Lena, are you depressed?"
"I honestly don't know. Nothing feels right. I made a mistake Stef and I don't know what to do about it."
"What kind of mistake love?" Stef asked. Lena seemed to clam up at that point so Stef decided that she need to be pushed a little. "Whatever it was Lena, you know that you can tell me and it won't change anything right? I love you unconditionally and if you tell me what happened, I think that you will feel better. Seeing you like this hurts me so badly."
"I feel guilty okay Stef. I... I messed up and I don't want you to be mad at me." With that statement and the understanding and love coming from Stef, she almost told her the truth. Tears began to form in her eyes and Stef took her in her arms and whispered soothing words in her ear.
"I should have been there for them Stef. Mariana and Jesus could have been killed, and I should have been there for them. I love Callie and Jude so much and I know that we needed to be there for them, but I feel like I let down the twins. I should have known when it happened. Brandon felt it, why couldn't I? I am their mother. I should know when there is something wrong," Lena managed to sob out.
Sobs wracked her body and Stef just pulled her in closer. Stef took a deep breath. She knew what that guilt felt like, she too had that those same thoughts.
"Love, we can't always know when something is wrong with the people we love. Things can happen in an instant and there is nothing that we can do about it, but I promise you that no one blames you. The twins know how much we love them and know that we couldn't have known that the accident would happen. You also can't blame yourself, I didn't feel it either."
Stef and Lena just sat there holding each other. They both were going through the feeling of guilt, but they knew that there was nothing that could change that other than forgiving themselves. Lena was still struggling with her other feelings of guilt, but with Stef holding her, she allowed a little of that feeling to fade away, even if it was just for a short while.
After a while, the two women were a bit more composed and decided to take advantage of having the house to themselves. They laid on the couch together and watched movies all day until late when the kids finally came wandering in. Stef had forgotten to call Brandon, so around seven he made the decision to bring everyone home. They had all eaten and brought home pizza for their moms.
Stef and Lena had a quick dinner and then headed up to bed. Once in bed, Lena still kept her distance, but she spent the majority of her time thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow was Monday and for the first time since the kiss, she would have to see Monte. She didn't know what she would say or do, but she spent the better part of the night thinking about it. She just hoped that when the time did come, she could explain it to Stef in a way that she would be able to understand and that she would forgive her for her mistakes. She was just really hoping that what Stef said about loving her unconditionally and that nothing could change their relationship was really true.
