April 18, 2010-3:00 AM
Am I Fashionable Now?
More progress on the magazine, more, and more. I am good at this, I can own that. Dunne Publishing is very happy with me.
Have you ever heard of the Andrew Belle song "In my veins"? I listen to that over and over again.
Oh, you're in my veins,
And I cannot get you out.
Oh, you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh, you run away,
Cause I am not what you found.
Oh, you're in my veins,
And I cannot get you out.
Sometimes I feel like he wrote that especially for me. It's strange how a song can so perfectly describe what a person is going through, without ever even knowing the person. The dreams are continuing, though I hate admit it, I am content with them. At least I have him in some capacity, and I am not limited in what is and is not okay.
I used to believe that with the support of my family and friends, and with my best friend at my side, I could do anything. I could get all of my dreams. Now I have everything I want, but not what I need.
He won't even answer my calls.
My entire life I was known as a quiet girl. Nice, but shy and quiet. My mother told me that she saw a light inside of me, bright like rays of sunshine peeking through clouds. She said that someday I would meet someone, and those rays would burst forth, and there would be no stopping me. I would be a force.
I thought it was my mother's cheesy way of telling me I was beautiful, on the inside. Now I feel differently. The first time I ever saw the real him, was one of the lowest moments in my life. Total embarrassment in front of all of those beautiful people, and with an outfit to match no less. He told them to stop, I heard him and I thought I can take his abuse, but I will not take his pity . So I ran, and god he stopped me, it was the first time I was so close to the blue.
He looked like he wanted to cry, and god I wanted to cry. That's what would have usually happened, I would have been choked on my words and the tears would have fallen. But this time, this time I felt something break away from me. I was in the blue and some sort of wicked calm came over me, and the words exploded from my chest.
I screamed at him that this was what he wanted, called him on his bullshit, and challenged him on his behavior. We were both stunned, chests heaving, before I turned away and ran back to safety of my family.
It was strange, but from that moment on I had no problem standing up for myself, against him or anyone else. In fact, I would have gotten back with my scum sucking boyfriend, would have jumped the minute he crooked his finger. I would have given away all of my dreams if I had never found the blue, and now that I was in it. I was brave, and smart, and sometimes I even felt beautiful.
Since I've been in London, 56 people have told me I am beautiful. Yes, I counted. I suppose I am fashionable now, my hair and body are more sleek. I've lost some weight, not a good loss, an I-cant-eat-because-almost-every-food-I-eat-reminds-me-of-him. Everything tastes like sawdust, I eat so I won't pass out. There is no joy. My clothes are, for lack of better words, less bright. Mostly gray and black. I have two bright coat that I brought with me from New York, and when the ghosts from the night threaten to take over the day, I wear them.
My grandmother once told me to fight for the man I love, but I don't know how to fight. I feel so weak, like I don't know how to move forward, or backward.
I am out of the blue.
After she published her latest blog entry, she changed screens to check her messages.
300 new comments. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. She knows now that people are starting to connect the dots, but still she doesn't care. This is the only way she can let it all go, the weight of these feelings, these memories are dragging her down.
She owes it herself to at least try to move past Daniel.
