Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape of form.

"Never in this lifetime."

~0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o~

It's hard to say when I first realized it. I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know how I came to be this way. All I know is that I simply am.

I used to hate myself. In fact, sometimes I still do. For a long time, I tried to ignore them, these wretched desires lying hidden in my heart. I tried to move past them. I tried to erase them. But I've long given up. It was too painful, too hard, too exhausting for me and everyone else involved. It simply wasn't possible.

And so, I've indulged myself – within limits of course. Sometimes, no, a lot of the times, I question this decision on mine. But then I remember that this is the only way I can be happy without ruining someone else first. Sometimes, it's the little things that help us get by in life. And most times, it's these little things that ruin us the most.


"All right class. Take out last night's homework and set it on your desk. Can I have a volunteer to go around and collect it?"

Like clockwork, a small hand from the back shoots up. Standing half out of her seat, the owner of the raised hand looks at me, desperate, eager to be chosen. In these moments, as those bright amber eyes beg into mine, something inside of me crumbles and I find myself giving in as I do almost every time.

"Miss Kaai, Thank you."

Pouting at the use of her last name, the girl whines, "Mr. Hiyama! Call me Yuki! YU-KI! All of my other teachers call me Yuki…."

Never. Never in this lifetime.

"But I'm not your other teachers, now am I? Now hop to it if you don't want me to have someone else collect the homework."

Paling at my nonexistent threat, Miss Kaai scurries into motion, picking up the worksheets at a frantic pace. Small face drawn in determination, she works with an unnecessary diligence.

Focusing on anything but her, she standing where I least want her to be: in front of me. Holding out the papers, she proudly exclaims, "Here ya go Mr. Hiyama!" And as my fingers accidentally brush hers, a shiver runs down my arms, fierce and violent. Unacceptable.

"Thank you Miss Kaai."

Smiling brightly, eyes glowing radiantly, she skips back to her seat. My gaze lingers for a second too long. But I just can't help myself.

This feeling, it's inexcusable. Disgusting. Terrible. Forbidden. A wretched pedophile. I made a decision a long time ago. I will never chase after love. I decided this for your sake, you who I'll eventually love, you who I never hope to ruin. Because this type of love should never be realized. That's why I have to hide it deep in my heart. So that you may never see it.

Please Yuki. Don't let me love you.