"your opa ration has attracted mine interest" quaffed saiga readily from the trough of mysterious possibilities, "I'm really quite into seeing what the capabilities of these super fighting robots are" he said in passing consternation to the lady person who was guiding him readily through the winding steel corridors and sterile nture of the hedquarters.
"sacrebleu monseir saiga!" the lady all but French kissed her words in that sexy way sexy French ladies have. Such a thing was sure to exist. "you ave all but come to the right place treis bein!"
With a victorious sweep of his graetcoat saiga all but ignored the woman "an I understaan that your company deals in fighting robots to a select clientell?"
"oui, non. We use the supre robots only for the defense of the nation"
"good good" saiga muttered nodding to himself. Shake em off the trail. "may I speak with your branch manager?" he didn't so much as ask as demand.
"si. Ve shall commune with moinseur GENDO in da command room"
The word GENDO echoed off the harsh steel walls like the last vestments of human sanity. A name fit for a mad man. A soothsayer. GENDO of the SECOND CHANCE. Saiga knew his reputation well. His neckbeard was legend spoken of in the dead sea scrolls along with the angels attack. It was that man he had come to see.
A titanic crash rocked the world.
"what in the name of tom feltons pieced scrotum was that?" saiga demanded of the air, gesticulating wildly to convey his point to those troublemaking molecules.
The france lady poised an ear. "if you listen carefully, sounds just like a golf"
But siga had no time for this automotive bullcrap. "you've seen la blue girl, I trust?" he threatened the lady in his most silken tones.
"I don't watch crap" replied lady framboise, so Saiga punched in the heaving cleavage.
"neither do I" he said still in that oil of ulay tone. He didn't need this wench, that was most likely some form of enormous explosive conceived of japans love of killing and robotics and teenagers, and teenagers who kill, and robotics who are teenagers. Saiga shoved framboise over and walked over to a wall mounted map. Unfortunately the ma worked in four.7 dimensions.
Getting on a nearby conveyer belt saiga surfed that shit like a giant moon worm, it was totally fraeking badass. His long graetcoast flapped musteriously in the bereeze made of his tansit. Feeling it appropriate he got out his cellular phone and played the imperial march theme, full streo and all.
The music swpet him into what seemed to be a command room, large screens adorned the walls displaying static, frenzied salarymen typed out complicated segments of code onto computers whose only function was to beep and hum and blink lights occasionally. Saiga stepped off the conveyer belt awesomely to a hush of voices that were before, talking.
"who the devil are you?" said a voie that could well have originated from his neckbeard. GENDO. He said this with the air of a man who has never heard a lovers laugh or heard the words 'youre fine', from a doctor.
Saiga snickered in haughty derision. He was worth sicks of him. "you may have heard, the Chavsplosion incident last week.." he let the implication hang there like a dolphin gaining hangtime in the dolphin Olympics game.
The glasses of GENDO flashed ominously. "I don't know who you are but you're getting on my NERVes"
"oi!" came a falsetto voice from yonder three seated plinth.
Saiga whipped around in a frenzy. That voice. The chav menace-
He saw tree wise men arguing.
"tha telly's back on ya twats!"
They were old.
"chek it out! Barely scratched the mangy cunt!"
They were Japanese.
"friggin N2 mines, bolloxing oop our strreeet cred!"
Something was wrong. The corruption speard this deap already? Coud that old gypsy lady be telling the truth? Blood of an astin martin. A bill, any would do. A spell to haunt from the depths of the depraved…
He dismissed the gypsy's testimony of a curse as bullsit.
EVERYTHING WENT SILENT in a shimmering pressure wave but for the ponderous crash of human souls. It was like an ocean at storm, weathering itself against their faces, scoring pockmarks like acid so they'd never forget.
"The sensors are going fuckoing apeshit" hollered ritzuko with her labcoat tied around her head like some primal, tribal wear. "the angels AT field is penetrating our systems, then it's going to penetrate us! Oh My God!"she threw apples and pears and various other fruits in suck a fashion, that they splet out the words 'by the way your son is here'
GENDO unsteepled his white gloved magician hands in a gesture of defiance, he stood and ejected a bazooka from his left ear hole. "we go to get my" he spat out the word like it was a poison apple bequeathed to him as a wedding present by his mother in law "son."
Saiga was pissed at being ignored " I wanna buy a robot" he said as he totted after GENDO and ritz.
GENDO shot a door open that was still like a hundred meteres away and the blast of air discharged from the bazookas end silenced saigas face with its melancholy gustage.
Another gleaming converyer belt lay before them to board, so they did. The sweeping rush made them all look totally bad ass. The belt carried them beyond human imagination and into a room where lay the mightiest of all mecha. The greatest of all super fighting robots. A being which not supracosmic strength nor the magik of the ages could defaaet. There in it's swimming pool of orangle fluids lay the Evangelion.
The large wooden double doors oppoisye exploded the fuck outwards! Te crash causing tem all to jerk around in surprise and hate! In strode a boy with the face of shinji ikari, but with the gizzards Saiga recognized as belonging to the skinwalker Simon.
"WHO the HELL do you Think I AM?!"
Deeper still in the geofront bowels of tokyo3 a lone man skulked with all the grasce of a Mincing Dancer Cat. The sounds from the toppled barrels he had crashed into were dismissed as 'probably just the wind' by the guards, such was his skill. With catlike traed he trod further and forther, and pounced upon a guard and devouring him whole.
Tom Riddle regurgitated the mans fingers fro the door scanner and stepped inside. He was halfway across the room when a tank spanning the entire wall caught his gaze, it wasn't that he was unobsevent but that the angles were wrong and it just looked like shiny wall before. He started at what ws floating in te cool green liquid.
It tugged at the edges of his psyche like the early dreams of mankind, and the beasts face twitched as it too dreampt. Perhaps of this very moment. He couldn't recall where he had saw that face before, but he had to respect that moustache even if the face had red hair. Strangely the creatures body was a gargantuan penis, but parts were mechanized as though lost to the ravages of some great lusty battle. It was a mighty beast, a beautiful animal, a veritable perfection of flesh and machine.
NIGESTIAL DICKIRIAH SPIDERIUS! "I name you thus!" tom bellowed foaming at the mouth in religious ferver! This thing would have him for all eternity, and his ego and pride would mean nothing before it, he would be its servant in all things and it would be his king! Follow him to hell and back he would!
Tom chocked as if strangled, and his haught reasserted itself. No. he would not slave himself to this majestic being, for it had not proved itself worthy, and he longed for that day to come, to challenge his devotion to the dark lord Jacule.
He crept on.
The shell of Shinji smiled in a hollow sort of way, as the guts of a digger formed a new plan.
GENDO leveled his bazooka at his son, "it seems there are some priors which I remain unaware of" he snarled like a man possessed. This was all going wrong. Just last week he'd seem the security footage of his piss meek little son, was this an affected act? Or did shinji posess a secret yet more baffling? He must make his map fit the territory.
"shinji" saiag oozed in that way of his, I'm sure you know the one. "just the person I wanted to meet" he span a masterful tale of deceiet like a spindle spider, charlottes web.
He saw the shell shinji frown but the soul of simon grin. "who are you, mate?" the hollowed out boy queried.
Saiga's grin tuned predatory as he twirled his snidely whiplash 'tache evily, "Well I'm glag you asked" he burst into a sultry almost grimdark redition o how it came to be.
"life was good in 'Straya land~
Two great blokes with poon demands~
Till one blisteringly sunny day~
They got caught up and swept away~
Into japanime was where they landed~
But only Saiga! Now he's stranded!~
Now there's just one question!~
How does he take Ichigo back home?~"
"what is this poppycock?" demanded GENDO, the embryonic Adam ensconded in his hand crying out fro blood, blood for the blood god! "answer carefully lest I have you flogged" but this was not enough for adam! He fired a rainbow cannon blast at saiga with his minds eye, exploding the boy into a thousand specks of glitter, he summoned ultramarine spiderkin harvested from the beast below and they descended upon Ritz, tearing chunks out and bout like bored ferris wheel conductors. Fat conductors. FUCK YOU THOMAS! AND FUCK YO GORDEON!
The fangs of saigas Dracula heritage shone forth in a glorious display. "The Aristocrats."
GENDO pushed his orange glasses up sinsterly so they may flash in the light rendering them opaqe and him evil, or at least a dick.
Simon picked at his hosts teeth with a prog knife "father" he began. "father. I am here to pilot the evangelion as is my ancient birthright, this is unavoidable, a beautiful moment twix man and machine and alien flesh" he pulled a drill shaped key from his pocket "MACHINE SPIRIT" he cried "I AM HER AT LAST, I HEARD YOUR CALL FROM ACROSS THE WORLD AND I KNEW IT WAS TIME, LET THIS NOT BE A PALTRY UNION, LET THIS LAST FOR THE END OF TIME ITSELF UNTILL THE SUN BURNS DOWN TO CINDERS, I KNOW YOU EVA UNIT ONE AND I NAME YOU DONNY THE DESTROYER, KILLER OF MAN, RENDE OF THE FLESH OF ANGELS, TOGETHER WE WILL STORM THE GATES OF HEAVEN NS FUCKING KISCK DIWN THAT GATE OF HEAVEN AND GO INTO HEAVEN AND FUCKING PUNCH DUDES IN THE FUCKING HEAD AND THEN E WILL GO UP TO GOD AND SAY 'WHERE IS YOU GOD NOW? WHAT DOMAIN DOES HE RULE? I OWN THIS PLACE NOW AND I OWN YOU! THIS SWEET PAD AND SURROUNDING ENVIRONS ARE MINE YOU HEAR?'. AND ONCE WE TOPPLE HIM FROM HIS THRONE OF SKULLS OUR DARK WORK SHALL BEGIN!" his eyes were aligt with manic ferver, froth coated his quivveing jowels and his tone reminded saiga of a calm and haunting Jodie Mitchell.
Back in the bowels tom found his prize. Lillith. Tht giant whore of an angel. Saiga was very interested in the propertis oh having an AT field so he wanted some of her angelic flesh to graft into his body which is how biology works. With nary a trickle of superheated steam Tom Riddle punched his fist into her squshy purple body and extracted a handful of a meat that was as gristle as it was gravy. It reminded him of the pies his aunt used to sell down in old London town. Down in old fleet street.
But lo! The grimy sauce flesh began to writhe like a leech that had just been salted, but this leech is no ordinary leech, no sir. The salt strengthens it even as it burns its flesh. That is the manner in which the lillith gristle was behaving.
With a bestial snarl to the heavens of opium related gods Tom shoved that fucking shit into a pickle jar pull of preserving fulied. But it fuching stuck to his hand! He flailed and punched the ground but no, it would not come off. He howled and smote the demon with his righteous and steamy fury. The thing recoiled from heavens false promise and slunk meekly into the jar. Tom hoped noboy would be stupid enough to eat what was inside.
His job complete tom slunk like a bad smell back up to the street level where rukia was keeping the getaway car engine running, I assure you.
Donny the Destroyer howled in his containing pool of half solid orange jelly, mechanical jaws open wide to display that yes! Yes he was a man! Yes he could love and hate also! Yes he was a badass! Donny te fuckin destroyer lifted his giant robo hand out of the jelly box, tailing gelationous chunks. He fistbumped simon amid a shower of firework like conflagrations, they both grey identical handlebar moustaches and for a brief moment, were brothers in more than spirit.
It was an epiphany for GENDO, the eva unit was activation by itself without any power, but on the flimsy basic of its angelic innards. It was inconceivable. He thought the phrase with some irony. The mere presence of his worthless git of a son could do this. It was time for a change of tact.
"Shinji" he said, placing his hand on the boys shoulder in what he no doubt thought was a fatherly manner, but in retrospect he would class it more in the vicinity of chucky cheese clown. "you know what must be done" the words clattered out of his mouth with a symbols crash, like eels on crack flubbing about with their slimy skin!
"we shall instert him into the enrty plug right away sir" said Ritzuko.
They insterted shinji into the entry plug. He plunged his drill key into Donny and the metamorphosis began. Too bad they were scooted up the deposit system so we don't get to see.
Saiga stood in front of GENDO, blocking his view of the command centre screen, his gargantuan bulk spilling out into every conceivable crevice. On the annoyingly segmented screens he saw a ganit green thing with a mask and a pretty pink tutu hiding the telltale crotch bulge of its erect core. This was a cunning for to be sure.
The fight raged on for a century, many lives were claimed but eventually, one man stood tall, the rets saw the better, mr Rodgers ina blood stained sweater.
Saiga held back a grin at the tell tae signs of simon possessing a stronger host, or he would be doing so if GENDO hadn't just shot him in the spine.
"you thought you could just sturt into my base and steal my things?" questioned GENDO, firing another shot into saiga. "you may be the favoured one but youre no GENDO Ikari"
Siaga coughed a gogbet of blood onto the floor and put his fingers into it. Floor ketchup. "serve with pride and rejoice with suffering" he muttered, tracing a sigil of delicate traceries with the blood ketchup. "kiss the sun lest he be angry and ye incur but a sliver of his wrath. Purge infidels and judge the unworthy, the kingdom ill needs a savior. So if youll excuse me, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!"
Saiga slammed his fist into the blood katsup mmartk and a blinding gold light embraced the room like it was a lost child who had found its way into mommys mdma cabinet. With a crack sound of stiking lightning and a smell like strawberries Saiga was vanished.
The theme song sounded from all sides, pouring from crackes in the walls and the mouths of babes, it came a fearful song of doom.
Maximum Paradise Driver trios: You sunk my Scrabbleship; the revenge of Mr. Monopoly.
The road was long, stretching far out into the distance, a finger of zeus in acrises. A single nondescript batmobile sped along it but then crashed because batman hed let robin drive, but that gngly little fuk just kept on texting batgirl who he was trying to make kill herself.
The mystery mobile fooled. Inside it bill bailey sat behind the wheel, driving with his cool driving scarf, goggles and gloves ensemble.
Tom sat shotgun, slowly pulling apart a kitten that was yowling in angony. He ripped the head from the body and flng it out the window. Reaching under the set he pulled out a briefcase and retrieved the next kitten.
Rukia was busy trying to have sex with saiga but he was having none of it. He didn't want to touch her until he got ichigo back to complete the set, because if it was a metaphor she would be a piece of set armoutr that was worse thatn the current piece he had but would be worth it when he got the second piece but to wequip it now would be folly.
But saiga himself had strpped his arm down in straps to an operating table. Slowly but surely he mde an inscicion with a scalpel along the top og his left arm. With a surgeons precision that he lacked he clumsily cut a chunk out that spanned between his radius and ulna from just behind the wrist, all the way to halfway down his forearm. He set aside the chunk and removed most of the flesh, so tat it was just mostly skin. He opened the jar and pulled out the lillith meat with a pair or tweezers. He then crammed the angel flesh into the new hole in his arm. Having done that he put the skin back over the top and stiched it all together. He antispetied the wound and wrapped a bandage over it.
"damn that smarts" he quipped bracingly with a seethe.
"that was some quality stitchwork there" said rukia "where di you learn that?"
"battlefield wounds and improper treatments. Pissing out blood and festering scabments. Sneaking in the infirmary and stitching with shoestrings. These are a few of my favorite things"
"Stich this" said tom, throwing most of a mostly dead kitten at his face.
The space phone began to rang. Bill pressed a button and the lcd screen lit up and showed a face. A face harrowed not by time, not by death and not by poor credit rating. Super. Sayajin. Three. Hitler.
"mein gott" said the magician of faith, his long blond hair falling over silky shoulders, his piercing blue eyes shining out like a lighthouse beacon warning traveling semen. And his moustache! It was like a song from the old country, ah, it'd melt yer face.
"oh guten tag" said saiga back to him, "do you have a job for us sire?"
"nein! I have a mission!" said the majescti space hitler. "there is an abandoned amusement park run by old man Jenkins, an I hear tell he's guarding valuable deposits of Nazianium! The only alloy capable of crafting UNLIMETED BALDES that WORK on every being ever, save for me. Also it might be haunted I guess"
"neat" said saiga. "whats the place called?"
Hitler took on a subtly darker vibe and the very air began to shake with misbegotten trepidation"Pastures Green!"
*dun dun DUUUUUN!*
"my bad" said tom. "that's just my message aletr tone" he fished his phone out of his pocket an looked at the text message. "I've apparently won one million dollars" he said already sending a text back to them warning them of their imment demise. Tom finds the chase make s the moment all the sweeter.
"I remember that place" said saiga suddenly. "I remember that place when it used to be a pie and mash shop. They used to server eels there boy. Do you like eels?"
"I like sushi" says bill bailey hope a glimmer in his eye.
close enough.
The worn tires of the van crunchedon the gravell as t sloe to a stop, the axels screeching with forgotten rust. Four doors clutched oen and three sets of heavy footfals shifted dirt and tiny rocks about. The fourth person slipped on a puddle of blood that had pissed the fuck out of saigas arm erlier. Fer fucks sake rukai was such a clumsya arse hoe!
"So there it is" whistled saiga appreciatively, wiping his N/A coloured hair out of his eyes. I presume its that long at least. He's keeping that pretty close to the chst. "pastures green"
The onve vibrant theme park was now a rusted out hulk of a thing, like a fucking horror movie set.
"this used to be a fun house!" sang bill bailey as he danced gaily around "but now it's full of evil clowns!" or so he guessed. It just seemed right for it to be so, y'know?
Mist pulsed around obscuring their vision. Tendrils of smoke curled from hisdden chimmneys. Rusted hinges crying out in terror only to be suddenly silenced/
"this place is even more overtly evil than I" said tom as he wiped blood from a cats face onto bills shoulder.
"lets go in and split up" said rukia cheeriliy. "it should be fine! Bill goes off by himself and so does tom, this leaves me and saiga alone to have the sex in a creepy old arkam asylum rip off. Ive always wanted to do that"
"go have a smoke break" saiga told her "I hear that's a pretty big boner killer"
But nobody had any cigarettes.
They strode up to the graet iron gate, and Saiga flung his left hand out. H concentrated on the angel flesh swirling at the edges of his consciousness, brought it to his power and began to neutralize the phase space between him and the lock.
The gate crashed opened with a BANG, but only because tom got ured of waiting and kicked it. The group walked in and the ghostly nature of the place began to work upon their minds.
They made their way past rat infested fairy floss stands and carousels with rapist clown faces or rapist horse faces-so basically jeniffer garner. Ignoring a childs desolate cry for help Saiga broke a window and clambered into the admin building. It looked like that building in the silent hill movie, all iron walls and filth. He went to unlock the door for the others but tom opened it an it hit him in the face as his hand stretched out to grasp the handle.
After robbing the cashier they continued further down a hallway.
"I found a USB stick" said bill bailey.
"ok" relied saiga.
On the walked until they came to a door. To the right of that door was a nother door in the wall. "bill" said saiga "check the room by yourself. Scream if you start dieing, ok?"
Bill shrugged and went in. "it's just a bunch of old fax machines and half of a printer."
"well keep looking" saigsaiga cherulyy ad he jimmied open the other door .
"I found a laptop" said bill. "and wait a minute… this usb contains twelve terrabytes of pornography!" there was the sound of a lock clicking shut from inside the room.
Saiga made aface and ten they all just left bill and went to the room. Inside was just a huge wall mirror.
"I bet theres a room behind the mirror" said rukia. There wasn't. and now there was broken glass everywhere. Thanks rukia.
"how would you like to play a game? " asked a disembodied voice from out of nowhere.
"fu-" began saiga before he was shoved out of the way by tom.
"old man Jenkins" said the wizard evenly, leaving no tells for the play.
"if you like" said the voice. "but I woyld like to play a game with you, vagabond"
Tom gave a thin smile."I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will find you, and I will kill you."
"bold words for someone not on a unicycle" said te voice "but firgive me if I remain unintimidated"
Tom flash stepped over to a speck on te wall and ripped out a bundle of wires that was a camera and microphone. "I don't do requests". He used his wizard powers to trace the wires back to the voices location. "I don't leave loose ends. I don't –" he let iota a strangled gurk as he convulsed. His grimace turned into a grin "got you"
Tom facepalmed rukia and saiga and in that instant teleported them.
Saiga and rukia fell over. They skinned their knees. It hurt.
Tom leapt gallantly at old man Jenkins who blocked his punch and sprang back.
"you should know that im trained in gorilla warfare" said Jenkins and he leapt at tom with a front leg spinning back kick. "I know kung fu. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it"
Tom leapt to the side and used Jenkins leg to pull himself up fro an axe kick "and I studied under Watery at whamming house, so excuse me if I remain unintimidated"
Jenkins raised his arm in a block, catching tom on the calf. He slipped a knife out ad stabbed at him. "its knife to meet another student o wateries!" he shouted.
The knife sliced toms trouser leg but twisted badly and fell from jenkins's grip. As it clattered to the groing both combattants landed gracefully on oppoisite ends of the scale. Tom gave a smirk and waved his hand, the knife flying to his grasp.
"its too bad you'll never meet another" he hissed as the knife lengthened into a bigger knife.
"because you'll kill me, of because you killed him?" asked jenkis, retrieving a pair of knuckle disters engraved with holy symbols.
"yes" replied tom, slicing the knuckle disters off Jenkins hands.
Jenkins retaliated by retrieving a revolver and firing six rounds rapid into toms chest. The splatter misted his face.
But tom only laughed. "how do you beat a man who feels no pain? No fear?"
"cut off his bloody head!"
Tom cocked his head to the side "oh?" he chopped his had off. The head bounced over the floor as the body fell with a thwump. "because the last time I checked that was no good"
Jenkin reloaded his gun. "you fool! Now there is nothing that can stop me HAHAHAHAHA!"
"you're right" said toms head a bit muffled from facing the ground "it's like I completely forgot to bring backup"
The gun went off just as a dark orange octagon appeared in mid air. The billet flattened itself against the ossscilating shape.
Saiga raised his hand further, a murderes grin on his face. "it's lucky youre alone, if your friends wer here, youd lose a lot of face"
Jenkinz opened his mouth to respnd but didn't stop. His lips curled up and down respectively, scowcasing od man teeth. The skin was stretched to breaking pint and then just… split. Saiga gestured to the right and jenkins' face collided with the wall and slid lifelessly to the ground to rest in a blood uddle.
Under jenkinss face was… ANOTHER FACE! The skin was pitch black, his new hair silver an spikey. Jenkins gripped his chest and thrw off his overalls to reveal boly's outfit but recoloured red and white. When he spoke his voice was really cool like kirito's from sword art online but even cooler. You could tell his father was mr popo and goku and piccolo.
Across the room saiga was undergoing a transformation of his own. His hair became a layer of two tones, powder blue and whatever his normal one is probably brown. His eyes a red and whatever colour his eyes are normally swirl. That's it apart from getting paler but not in a pasty way. Even though he noe had suer psychic powers that was probably just prely asthetic. His face didn't change from the form of a saiga antelope though. Google that.
"who the hell are you you motherfucker?" shouted rukia.
"I am spudz, who are you?" he hadn't even noticed the girl, what sort of horror could conceal itself offscreen?
"I'm saiga" said saiga "and this is rukia"
"ok" replied spudz
"we're here for the nazianium" saiga threated "now give it to me"
"none of that nazi metal here, just good old fashioned Jew Gold"
Jew gold? Tht settled it. A lying jew would never tell that they had the jew gold. This bitch was hiding that nazi alloy in here somewhere.
Menwhile, far far away, spudz's master the space jew council sat around a table, their faces in shadow. Wide bilious cloaks made from elves shielded tehm. In front of then sat a viewing orb, displaying the interplay of violence that had befalled spudz.
"hehehehe" lauged a member cruelly, his comically huge nose quivering as it protruded from the cloaks lip. "looks like spudz, is going to be roasted"
"he always was a starchy character" quipped another.
"going to be mashed, he is" said a particularly small member.
"horohorohoro" lauhed another nobly "but do not forget his opponent. Saiga the pretender, the corruptor, saiga the yellow eyes demon"
"yes the ne responsible fro the incursion of voldemorts into our reality"
"his presence forbds us from closing the portals"
"he shoud not have tamperd with shiy he didn't know nuffinka boot"
"gentlemen" said a particularly prominent member "I have devised a scenario and it is all going according to my vagina"
"you made aplan for this?" a member gestured to the orb that showed ichigo loitering out the front of a hospital, barely acknowledging the trio of bald white skinned noseless voldemorts that were heckling aged smokers.
The prominent member nodded.
Saiga punched spuds in the face again, rocking he chair he was tied to. "where is it?" he shouted.
"I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want but get the hell off mu property!" spudz hollered wildly.
Siaga put on his bitch slapping glove daintily. "now see here!" he tried to cajole the tied up man, "space hitler pays me good money to get thses jobs done for him anne frankly I'd lke to keep on collecting my pay checks"
"space hitler?" asked spudz, and saiga knew that ws the wrong bit of info to let slip. "as in 'leader of the universe suer sayajin hitler?'"
"call him what you like" saiga feigned indifference, but his worry grew, just like his effeminate new pencil moustache.
Spudz began to chuckle, a sickly, harrowing, cloying sound. It rose inta a hacking laugher that was one order of magnitude more insane sounding than most villians.
Saiga started laughing too, safe in the knowledge that his laugh was way moe psychotic. "oh and by the way" he said slapping spudz and lighting up a cigarette in one of the ose long evil holders and putting it out on spudzs face. "the cake is a lie"
Then came the light. Spudz had become the legendary super space warrior, same as hitler! His silver hair became as gold as he powered the fuck up. He stood up, snapping the heavy chains binding him, pure energy filling the room with its glow.
Saiga cocked his head to the side, he hadn't known there was another sayajin besides hitler. He didn't even know if hitler knew. But if hitler knew about spudz then spudz must be working in tandem with hitler, and this was what? A trap? A test? But maybe spudz wasn't working with hitler, and was instead a part of an opposing faction? "very well milord" he said in oily tones. "I am bonded to serve the sayajin race"
"but you work… for my FATHER!" shouted spudz.
Saiga gasped audibly, this boy had four fathers? What had mr popo done….
"ive never met mr popo" he said
"seig heil, bitch" said psudz firing an energy blast.
Saiga thrw up his at field shield and the blast exploded against it. From behind his shield he grasped at the phase space and gave it a sharp stist, bending the light entering spudz eyes.
Spudz tripped over a fallen chair and knocked himself out.
"oh" murmered saiga. That was easy. He sent ruia off to get all the nazianium, because he hated manuel labour.
"weak shit" said the disembodied floating head of tom. "you call that winning?"
"hey, it was my first time, it's always awful on your first time"
"not so" rebuked tom, "you just need instinct"
"well, you cant expect a respectable time on your first"
Tom began to laugh but whirled around at the slightest hint of a sound. Two small catty children crept out of the shadows, it was the 2011 versions of wilykit and wilykat. "let me show you hw its done" he said. With children you ha to draw it out for laughs, not make the opponent die in half a second.
"please sir" said wilykat "we's but starvin orphans"
"even better" said tom.
"giv us but a crust" pleaded wilykit.
"I think I'll just kill you" toms wand levitated before him.
"wot wiv?" asked wilykat, holding up toms real wand. "dis?"
"or dis?" wilykit had all of toms money.
Tom smiled as the false wand wilykat had set aflame and the money turned into spiders.
"ok dat waz a test" the twins said, "to see if you was worthy of being our team leader"
"im team leader" said saiga "and I don't do kids"
"oh but I do" said the head of tom, "I'll take one of you as my apprentice"
Wilykat shook his head, "nah, we's a pair or nuffink else"
"it really don't work otherwise" chipped in wilykit.
Tom gave a thin chuckle, "I'll say it doesn't work otherwise. I take one of you as my apprentice"
The twins tried to leave. Tried.
"as with many things in my life" began tom "this will be settled in a deathmatch"
"no" said one of them.
"never" said the other.
Toms eyes promised that never was a very long time.
They shook their heads. Tom nodded. Another shake of the head. Ad then the cruciatus curse started. The heads shakes were shivers of terror.
"children please" tom implored, "stop this mindless resistance". He tossed a small knife near them.
But they wouldn't. sensing this ight take a while, saiga wandered off to find bill.
Back in the room saiga hoped that a spooky ghost had just passed through the walls, leaving ectoplasm everywhere, when suddenly… Cell Bailey entered!
It was cell that had aborbed bill biley! Imagine a bill bailey but give him a green patterned, armour like skin covering that negated clothes, black wings and knees that creaked every time he walked. The hair remained the same. The hair always remains the same.
The cries of children echoed around, perhaps tom was using the rock?
"so what's the dealeo with this shiznit?" queried saiga blearily. This was a retty startling development and stuff.
Cell baileys voice was… off, somehow. As though it didn't come from his mouth. "I thought I was perfect before" said the thing "but now I know that was but a lie to make myself feel better. I have a porpoise. I must absorb all the competent british comedians, and you will help me"
Saiga shrugged 'just so long as you keep driving the car"
They wandered back to where tom was and found wilykat in a pool of blood, the knife sticking out of his eye. Toms spine had lengthened out of his floating head and was encircling the blank faced wilykit in something resembling a hug, if it was drawn by an autistic toddler. Rukia was useful and walked in with all the nazianium, saiga was so surprised his brown hair became anime red.
Toms spine lengthened further, joining up with the spine in his still body, and dragging it in to the parody of a hug.
"good hustle" saig saiga, his voice clapping his enterage on the back in a manly sort of way. "now all we need to do is get back to hitler. What's the cooldown on your hearthstone rukia?"
"it's been stuck on 88:88 for a while now" said rukia, sitting atop furteen tons of nazianium ingots.
"have you tried turning it off and on again?" asked bill cell.
Rukia nodded.
"are you sure that its plugged in?"
"have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?"
"try patching the driver to the system call table"
"did you bathe it in kitten blood and have it struck by lightning on the solstice?"
The answer was no to all. This meant cell bailey was fresh out of ideas. MOTHER FU-
MEANWHILE IN THE VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE CLOUDS!
The Yellow Deceiver strode through but a wisp, a sliver of his domain, his yellow cloak swirling as he did so, hiding his face behind darkness ungraspable. Doors opened themselves before him, and lowly ninja subjects groveled in his wake, doing their very best to think happy thoughts lest he smite their negativity with his golden fist. His very footsteps rang like the clearest crystal bell, on the brightest of spring days, leaving behind glowing footprints of some elegant, archaic design.
He swept through a set of impressive double doors at the end of a corridor, cutting the rest of the world off from that wonderful, heartwrenching, joyous light he exhuded.
In the room the Deciever confronted the raikage Ayy! And his sexy assistant mabui.
2 HOURS
Saiga and his crew were driving through the gates of cloud village in their beat up old mystery mobile van.
"ok dudes" he said with a sure certainty "this place were going to now is the village hidden in the black guys and so we need to blend in as wiggers, everybody hand me your practice voices"
"if I do it phat enough will you bust a nut on me?" asked rukia.
"no" said saiga "but your language was aight"
"i refuse ta degrade mah dirty ass so, I be a proud as a muthafucka Englishman" was toms scathing reply.
Cell bailey said "How tha fuck is mah ghetto voice sir?"
"I bet ya I can still sound black wit mah guttersnipe accent, dawg" chirped in wilykit.
Saiga smiled to himself, his crew was alright.
EARLIER
Saiga n' his crew of merry pimps gots outta they van n' surveyed tha hidden black dude hood. It put Saiga up in mind of dat episode of pokemon tha bridged series wit tha hood n' tha grimers n' tha brock whoz ass can breed anythang.
"we should go ta a funky-ass bar n' trawl fo' rumours" holla'd cell bailey whoz ass had a paladin whoz ass couldn't roll lest damage thn 4D20's.
saiga nodded 'we should definizzlely split tha party. dat be a muthafuckin thang dat our crazy-ass asses hould do" he spun ta tom "go shake down some thugs up in a warehouse, teach tha kid tthe ropes"
And what tha fuck of rukia, biatch? her ass had ta follow his ass so her ass wouldnt ruin EVERYTHING! and so tha gang went they separate ways. like never ta reunite.
As they walked saiga consented to hold rukias hand and eat some takoyaki she bought him, because if he snubbed her all the time perhaps she would leave, and then where would he be when he got ichigo bak?
"lets go in there!" shrieked rukia as though saiga was standing at the oppoisye end of the room and not right next to her.
Saiga looked at the love hotel she had pointed out and frowned. Did he have to? But wait… the name… it was… the… Beware the Green Monkey! That was signifigant for some reason! He flshed rukia a charming smile "of course" and ran over to the door and yanked it open.
The inside was a grt deal bigger than you would previously assume just by looking, the checkered marble floor steatched out and loud pendulum sounds echoed ominously. There was a fancy red rope dangling from the immensely high ceiling, so saiga pulled iy. A loud gong reverberated through his bones, the vibrations giving rukia an orgasm. So he rang it again. And again and again.
"oh its you again" sighed a disinterested voice.
Saiga looked at the speaker, a pale, green skinned man with a red shirt and glowing eyes of the same colour. He rang the gong again.
The man sighed as the reverberants popped his stitches and his thumb fell off.
"yes" said saiga "its definitely us again"
"the girl wasn't here last time, but I don't deign to ponder the dukes whimes"
The duke? Who the flippin duck fuck could that be? "yeah, we got another appointment" saiga said grandoisly.
The red eyed mans expression didn't change the slightest, "follow me then, it'll be a cheat to give you the same test as before"
He led them over to a foire mans pole which they all grabbed on to and descended into pitch black. There was acrack and the stench of ozone as the pole sparked them. They fell onto a squishy mattress of spaghetti textured floor just as the lights came back on. There was no firemans pole or reds hirt.
Fucking cocknuggets! And speaking of ccknuggets…
Saiga recognized this scene, it was the devils snare trap from harry potter and the PHILOSOPHERS STONE!
"this is the devils snare scene from harry potter one" said rukia, glad she could be of help.
Saiga would have facepalmed if he was able to move his hands, but the fucking spaghetti vines had him manhandled, not that he wasn't used to that.
"we need to sit still and then well get out" cried rukia as she sat still. For some reason the vines left her alone completely.
FUCKING FETTECHINI! "rukia" said saiga with utmost regrets "I need you to ,and follow me on this one, almost suck me"
Rukia readily complied. She slithered over to hom like a sexual serpent , lithe and curvy and sensual. Her hands brushed over his pants in smooth movements, and slowly she began to unzip his fly.
Ok saiga you gotta keep it together here man an think of ichigo! Thought saiga. Its ichigo giving you the tender caress of love, yes, he's stoking you yes ye sye sye ysye wye "MY POWER IS MAXIMUM!" bellowed saiga as from bis now erect wanger, ejaculated a cursed fire of lust. It spewed forth like a volcano of abstract concepts and washed over the psagetty plant.
The pair crashed to the floor. Saiga stood wreathed in his flames of lust, it was burnig in his eyes, and burning in his dick that was waggling like a divinging rod. "this way" he said and walked to the only dooer in the room.
Therw ws a crayon message saying 'test room' on the door. They went in.
Inside was a majestic pool. Spanning the whole room in perfect water. A space duck in a judges outfit presides over the proceedings.
"look before you QUACK" it says impassively "you see QUACK a pod of dolphins. Go to QUACK tem"
Saiga nd rukia swam out to the dolphins. They were so happy an dplayful. So nice.
"you see they are raping and QUACK beating up a helpless Moemura"
Siaga saw that was indeed the case. Dolphions will be dolphins after all.
"construck a four act play detailing your social shortcoming using QUACK the se characters and I will QUACK judge its quality.
"tat looks awful" said rukia since she wasn't a broken sociopath.
Saiga turned to the dolphins "alright lads good hustle" he swept his arm in an arc, evaporating moemura. "but we need to getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game"
The lead dolphin took out a cigar and began to smoke it "aright smerty briches" it squeaked out "gimmie da script"
"all in good time dolphin friend" said saiga turning to rukia. "tonight we dine in hell" he told her mildly as he caught a leaping dolphin by the flipper and punched it in the face.
"rush him lads" te head dolphin skeaked, and the rest dove in aquartic forever. "no one rustles out jimmies!"
It was a freaking bloodbath, saiga was powerful, but the dolphins cunning. As he was tearing the sine out of one with its adorable little hat, another used the necromancer move corpse expolsion, destroying its friend and causing saiga twenty percet of its full health as damage.
Saiga grew enraged, ripping the head off one dolphin with his thighs, and thrusting it treuogh the guts of another. When it came to the last dolphin he dropped his trousers a the thing lay quivveering in the water, the blood of its comerades washing over it.
"I hope you like blowhole rape" said saiga "because that's what your getting for Christmas!"
There was a sound like agunshot and rukia lowerd the gun she had just shot. The now dead dolphin drifting away. "sorry" she said a little inscincerely "I was aiming for its kneecaps"
Saiga shrugged his whatevers. "what say you now Fuckstick McDuck?"
"you have passed the test QUACK" said the duck "the dolphins were skilled performers and the play would have been QUACK exquisite but they would have turncoated and raped you onstage during the final act QUACK"
Saiga nodded. Of course yo should never trust a dolphin. Vile feinds.
The room drained out down a massibe plug gole in the centre of the room and they were caught on a spider web. A fat spiderman danced to electro pop while the words 'problem solved' flashed over his head.
The red sombie man came to greet them "congratz now follow me."
Siag and rukia follow his through a labyrinthian maze of a building, passing petting zoos and nerds playing DnD. They were deposited in fromt of a plain red door with a handle in the center. They went in.
Inside was a lavish room swathed in lavender silks. Perched on a sex chair was amn wearing but a powdered wig and a thong. He noticed them and waved a hankercheif gailey at them.
"ooh my~" he said coyly and hiding behind his palms theatrically "what would a strapping young lad like yourself want with little old me?".
Saiga gave him a wtf face "who are you?"
The man gave a fanciful giggle, "why I'm the duke murderfist~"
"wasn't I supposed to rape you or something" saiga asked.
"om my I sure do hope not~" said te duke, waggling his posterior in the air like some cheap tart.
Saiga flash stepped over and punched him in the head. The wig fell to the floor. It was like punching iron. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU CK!" shouted saiga in pain. He looked at the man and narrowed his eyes.
"sir cockwell?"
"nuh uh" said duke Mfister "I'm the duke"
"no your definitely sir cockwell who hired he to mess up the duke's shit, so why would you be impersonating the duke when I came here to-oh I see" saiga stepped back. "this is a violation of our contract"
"outrageous~" quieffed sir cockwell "deploy the LSD~"
Drugs sprayed into the room in affine mist causing saiga to hallucinate a IchiRukiSaiga sex scene which looked real and felt super real. The next thing he knew wer a lot of elbows and knees and a wall that kept running into his face.
Puella madoka music payed in the background as mahiro ran for his life, the sky was red, the moon was full, and he was dying to sink his teeth into something. A thousand score nightgaunts and other lovecraft based demons chased him. He battered the walls of his reality futily, hoping, wondering. His fist red red with blood, but not his blood. His strength spent, mahiro sank to the ground in utter exhaustion as the feinds closed in.
Why don't you make a contarct with me? Asked the voce of a child in his mind, if the child was voice acted by a black hole.
He looked up.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
No. no. no.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
It wasn't. if you make a contract and become a magical girl you can wish all your problems away.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
Kyubey. No. mahiro gaped in fear. He couldn't. /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
"I'll save you mahiro-kun!" shouted a silver haired green eyed girl in the voice of a london thug. She used her space cqc to destroy everything ever.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
"now we can final be together mahiro" nyarko said in exageratedness.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
"I wish" said mahiro "I wish, to be the greatest, I wish" he whipped out a gun "for you to die. He shot the kyubey.
"haha yeah" said naryko returning to her non irritating demeanour. "now lets go fight Mayan/Aztec superhuman vampire eaters awakened to threaten the world. And be totally fabulous while doing it."
They oadred a magical unicorn and flew offa mid showers of rainbows.
In the tavern bill the cell was regaling some old chums with a tale of his prowess "So I got into a fight today at top shop.
I was standing at the magazine rack, pulling the discs out of OXM outer wraps…basically just minding my own business…and then some kid wearing a Soulja Boy shirt stepped to me quite improper
first off, he bumped me.
second off, he flipped the edge of the OXM I was pilfering, in a threatening way as he passed, and then goes… PS3.. fayg.
i was like…'yeah, I'm brand neutral but you don't need to inform me that you suck off your friends for free, because that's already obvious. thanks for bumping into me though, dickface'
actually i only got to the 'friends for free' part and he was all up in my face, grabbing the magazine out of my hand and telling me how his older brother was gonna kick my ass.
i DID think of the rest later on though
now, normally i try to avoid violence – mostly because my awesome Puerto-Rican Judo and Brazilian Jujitsu skills must be kept in check, or they could cause serious damage. if i punch the ground hard enough, I'm pretty sure i could split the world in half…or at least knock some stuff off a table nearby.
but this kid was asking for it, so i lulled him into a false sense of security by apologizing and assuring him that i would procure an ice cream cone of any flavor he chose, as a peace offering. this seemed to confuse him, but make him cautiously optimistic about the situation, which is when i chose to deliver a jumping front kick to his throat, knocking him back several feet into the Young Miss section where he got tangled up in a Bratz bed canopy and then lurched sideways into rack of Stussy activewear…JUST AS I HAD PLANNED!
since he was incapacitated, i reached behind me for something large and heavy to pound his face with.. but it was all sheet sets, bedspreads, duvet covers and such…when i turned back around he was already back in my face and he had a hanger in his hand. i managed to block the first shot with my left arm, but when i tried to counter with a right jab, he got me in the ribs with the end of the hanger and dropped me to one knee….which left me open to vicious and repeated face kicks, followed by a Garmin GPS display unit to the head.
at this point i really needed to even things up so i went for the double hammer fist to the nuts….a staple move from the knees…cliche really – but i admit i was desperate. i wasn't gonna let a punk in a soulja boy shirt beat up an awesome Englishman like me, wearing sensible trousers, my finest tweed jacket, a bowler hat and smoking a mahogany pipe.
the second i made contact, he grunted and crumpled to the ground like a sack of wet grass.
for a moment or two i considered continuing the pounding to get even MORE even, but then a top shop employee (surprisingly!) showed up and asked if anything was wrong.
i looked at her, then back down at soulja punk and said "no, nothing's wrong. but could you do me a favor?"
she said 'no' and turned around to walk away, unconcerned that an unconscious person was laying in the aisle surrounded by defaced Wally World merchandise…but i pretended like she said 'yes' and stayed to listen, so i could make my exit the proper way.
i turned back to the crumpled loser who was starting to rouse from his coma of nut pain and said triumphantly as i stepped over him "I need a price check…." then stopped to push him back to the ground with my foot as i continued "…on bitches."
wrote the OXM discs off and left through the outdoor gardening area exit feeling like i had just made the world a better place…because i had."
"kumanemehah" said a Viking dressed chap who was also wearing a gaudy green necktie."'topshop!"
"topshop" said his Viking friend who was also wearing a gaudy green tie. He punctuated this with a tap on the bar.
"oh my yes" said cell bailey quaffing at his pint.
"topshop!" said the first Viking.
A boy by the name of ryan clapp sauntered u to cell bill and becan abusing him with talks of one of the most boring games in the history of ever "605 triple spin off of the ufo in favela spinning in the air hit maker your mom then fuk ur mom throwing knife at the wall no scope 360 triple headshot silent shot xXxUrDoNeKidxxx alex garcia'd ur mom while playing pokemon then pull out my m9 and shoot ur mom then see u in the corner of my eye ur done kid shoot ur face off sphagetti everywhere ur done m8. next round of search and destroy i see you trying to run fuck that kid im jumping off the airplane on terminal get another hit maker off of ur mom slaped ur moms face with my dick knock her out shes fainted like the pokemon i was playing with earlier 890 degress 1080 headshot collateral on the whole xbox live party including you round over our team won ur gettin delete off of the leader board kid ur fukin done.. boom"
Bill examined the unpleasant bot with a mild exression "hey gurl lemme holla at ya, ya want SOME FUCK!" he swung his manly fist at the miscreants head.
The snotty kids head blew up and bill turned back to his chums "so as I was saying-"
Ichigo swung, his chainsword roaring through an astral beasts spirit neck. He glared up at his hated emies still frame, finn the human boy! Ichigo howled as another astral beast landed before him in an extcacy of writhing ghost flesh.
Hawke pierced it with her lance. The razor tip slicing through muscle and bone, then continuing on like the march of technologies progress, to skewer another hell beast through his dick-eye. That is to say, both the eye of his penis and the extra eye he keeps on his genetals to warn him of impending rape, a lesson you yourself shoul take to herat kind reader.
Finn in his glowing from of gold, descended from the hilltop, all manner of creatures perishing in his wake like fallen champions unable to hold out against evil any longer. "this is my realm" said the boy in a voice he couldn't own. "I hope you've found the answers you seek, because my mood id non charitable".
He spat a bolt of fire-fluid that hawke managed to deftly catch on her lance. The piercing instrument glowed red hot, melting down to its component atoms as was its new masters command.
Ichigo and hawke clapsed hands and flew off into the upper stratus, beckoning the boy overlord with a crude display of taunts and gestures.
Finn narrowed his cruel eyes and took flight after them, he was as a prawn hunting its prey of pond scum, such was their difference in strength. He stretched out his noodle arm and shot a mithril chain into the moon. He swung it as a mace, battering the battle couple out of the sky. He swung again, breaking the orbital chunk against the earth, and wiping out all of Antarctica as collateral.
It was the second impact
That ichogo and rukia had felt fro that moon, and they were exorbitantly glad it would not occur again. With a dual nod they enacted plan 257b.
They hefted a moon half, as if testing it's weight, and began to craft. Ichigo bled, his blood streaming onto the moon that was no longer a moon. His wizardly magic staining his eyes totally white, he accessed the power of the force, and with amighty push, used both powers to shape the moon half into a delicate man the size of half a moon.
An aura pulsed around hawke, as veins cropping up on the moon man pulsed with what was her menstrual blood. "Slaanesh! Tzincht! Robocop! West!" she chanted with dead fey spells.
The titanic man straigntened with a deafening creak of moon limbs. His pitch black eyes surveyed the landscape and when he spoke, his bass rumble caused the very air to heat up via molecule friction, "this form is too large" sir Cornish pouted.
"not a good time!" shouted ichigo poiting at the tyrant of end times.
Finn laughed and sir Cornish was reduced to dust. "why did you even both to entertain the notion that victory could be assured?, oh well time to die!" he raised his left hand high, unfathomable energies crackling at his fingertips ready to destroy our hero's!
Finn stiffen with a strangled gurk, his ethereal glow faded to something merely blinding, and he plummed to earth not in fire, but a streak of light resembligh angels wings. Blood pourded from his eye sockets, staining the oceans. His blood became guns. And guns tthat shoot guns. And guns that shoot guns that shoot chainsaw bullets.
"your lucky my master wants you aliove" said finn in a passable voice "not sure what jkhjdhfmj-" his words ceased as he was about to say his lords name, for the boy had exploded in another dimensions.
"we really need to figure out what's going on" said ichigo, his voice grim as he and hawke both took up their swords once more, and hacked the face off an astral beast in a visceral spray.
So listen guys, I apologise for the rertarded authors note last time, I was so drunk like you would not believe. But that being said weeaboo's should all die and this story needs way more reveiwes, so pleae stop playing with yourself for five minutes to leave one if you can just about be bothered.
