But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Anymore

Kathryn say huddled on her couch with an untouched cup of coffee. Outside snow was falling and there was a sharp wind whipping trees against her window. She gazed at them without seeing anything, her eyes were dry, having no tears left to shed.

A week ago she had been forced to take a 2 month leave in order to 'take care of herself' but starfleet didn't realize that her job had been the only thing holding her together even in the loosest sense.

She wrapped the blanket tighter around her arms and shivered, she'd been cold for months but it had only gotten worse. She rubbed her hands together and her joints protested, not being used to the movement. 'Now even my body is becoming old and pathetic' she thought. She then took a minute to look at herself in the reflection of the window in front of her. She took in her long hair, dull and lack-luster, her bony fingers; she removed the blanket and stood. She saw her baggy clothing, the sweatpants and hoodie made her almost disappear into them, the bags under her eyes were quite unsightly and she tried to ignore her cracked lips. When was the last time she'd eaten anyway? She shrugged her shoulders, walked to the bedroom, and lay down on the bed. Making sure there were no mirrors around.

This Christmas, it really wasn't her fault that she was all alone. Phoebe's husband had been posted to a starship so they all went with him. Her mother was traveling Europe, the crew was all spread out across the globe, she was the only who stayed.

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

She awoke from her nap just as exhausted as when she had fallen asleep. She looked at the clock and realized for the first time that day that is was Christmas Eve. Suddenly determined to get herself together for one day, she shed her clothing and walked to her closet. She pulled out a midnight blue knee length dress with long sleeves and a v-neckline. 'Maybe if I look put together, I will feel put together.' She continued to get ready, even putting makeup on and french-braiding her hair. She didn't once stop to consider what she was even getting ready for.

When finished she took a step back and looked in the mirror, 'Not bad' were the only kind words she could give herself.

She walked over to the replicator and asked for a cup of hot apple cider, she brought it to her dining room table and sat down.

"Well, now what?" she said aloud. She spun the cup in her hands and appreciated its warmth on her fingers. She felt the numbness and tingling energy returning to her hands and willed it to just flow through her and out. Suddenly she got an idea. She pretty much ran to her hall closet and started pulling out bins. Finally she found what she was looking for and hurried back to the table after hastily shoving everything else back.

She pulled out her paintbrush and watercolors, got some water, and began to paint.

4 paintings in she heard her door chime. She hadn't made a Christmas list but if she had the top thing on that list would be to be left alone. She continued to paint but the door chimed again. And again. With an exasperated sigh she flung down her brush and walked to the door.

She opened it and there he stood.

She stood there mouth open, unable to move, shock having taken her ability to process what to do next. "Kathryn?" He said. "I'm sorry I didn't call ahead of time." he tugged on his ear, "I just got back a few hours ago and I listened to your messages." She regained her ability to move and her face and shoulders fell. "No no!" He said quickly, "I came because…" she looked up at him then. The pain and sorrow in her eyes broke his heart and he couldn't take it any longer. In one stride he crossed the threshold of the door and scooped her up in his arms.