I know this chapter took a long time to get up- but it's not my fault, I promise! So many complications…I don't even want to go into them all. But, for the past month, I could've posted. Why didn't I? I'll admit it- pure laziness, friends, and writers' block. I'm sorry, but it's up now, right?
Thank you to all of my reviewers- especially those who are still reading! I know this took a while to get up, but it's here now! A special thanks to glowingice who is a great writer BTW who gave me some ideas for this- without you, this would have taken weeks longer and probably wouldn't be as good! So, this chapter is dedicated to you.
Lily's POV- italics are her thoughts if you haven't figured that out by now. Well, I don't want to procrastinate any longer, so here it is. The next extension. Chapter three. I hope you like it!
3
The rest of the night passed in a blur; the trip to Hogsmeade, the sorting, the feast, all my oldest friends asking me about my summer. It all passed, meaningless to me. Everything seemed as if it were far away, as if I were dreaming. I wanted to believe that; that I was dreaming, but I would never…ever have dreamt something that horrible, and, unfortunately, I knew it.
After the feast, I didn't linger in the common room with most of the girls who were talking about how wonderful their summers had been; I hurried straight up to the 6th year girls' dormitory. I wanted to sleep and forget everything that had happened. I quickly scanned the room; luckily, I was alone as I ran to my bed, tossing the covers down so I could slide in between them and wait for the sleep I soon discovered would never come.
After a few hours of tossing and turning, throwing my blankets on and off, and listening to the faraway sound of an owl somewhere, I got up and dressed in a robe. I slipped my diary and potions book off the bedside table and into the pockets of my robe, then tip-toed softly across the room and out the door. As I entered the common room and sunk into my favorite couch, I let out a deep breath I hadn't known I had been holding; no one was there. Well of course no one is here. It's probably around three in the morning! Do you even know why you are up? I stopped myself from answering my own question and quickly turned my attention to my potions book as I sat in my favorite chair, because I did know why I was awake. I tried to block the thought that was coming up as I read and reread the same line in my book, James.
I shook my head, shaking all thoughts of him out of it and tried to concentrate harder on the book in front of me opened to a page about Polyjuice Potion- a potion to change whoever drinks it into a person of their choice. I sighed, setting the book down. I had read this book front to back at least seven times already and practically knew it word for word.
I pulled my diary from my pocket and first muttered my password, then a charm to unlock it and opened up to a random page, hoping it would be blank so I could write in it. Maybe if I wrote everything that had happened, it would be like it wasn't mine anymore. Once it's down, it's gone for good- just another sad story in someone else's life, not mine. But the page wasn't blank; it was far from blank actually. A faint smile threatened to play at my lips, but I pushed it back as I felt a lone tear escape my eye and slide down my cheek as I looked at the page where I had taped two pictures of me and James. In the first one, we were both smiling happily and he was holding me from behind. Next to it was another picture; he was kissing me on the cheek as I blushed furiously. Both pictures were from our first date; Sirius had tried to take the pictures but had ended up handing the camera to Ada, because he couldn't understand "this bloody muggle contraption", as he called it.
Suddenly, I slammed the book shut, not wanting to see any more as tears began to fall down my face. I wiped them all away and willed myself not to cry. I will not cry for Ja-Potter ever again. I won't waste my tears. I took a deep breath and brought my knees to my chest. I'm stronger than this.
Leaning against the wall of the couch, I stared deeply into the fire, watching the scorching flames dance about. It was beautiful. It was pain. It was wild, alive and determined. Just like me. As long as I'm alive, I'll never let him make me cry. Or let anyone else for that matter. I didn't know why, but suddenly, I was calm as I stared into the depths of the fire. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, or angry either. I felt emotionless, and it felt amazing- like I was free.
And then I heard the creak of the stairs, but thought nothing of it. The castle was old and haunted; it was nothing to be bothered by. But when I heard the soft thuds of footsteps, my body froze and I gripped my wand tighter.
"Lily," someone said and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around, quick as lightening; my wand held out threatening, only to see James standing there. Slowly but suspiciously, I brought my wand to my side.
"What are you doing up," I asked quietly but coldly, averting my eyes from his.
He shrugged his shoulders, "I could say the same to you."
"That's fair," I said and reached to gather my books. As suddenly as my emotions had left, they came back, and I knew then that I, when it came to James, emotions just couldn't be blocked. It disgusted me how I could vow that he would never make me cry, yet I felt tears stinging my eyes. I felt weak, and I didn't want to be anywhere near him.
"Stop- Lily, please listen to me. Let me explain," I avoided his eyes at first, but I could hear the pleading tone in his voice.
After a moment, I stood up straighter, looked him square in the eye and said calmly, "There's nothing to explain."
"Huh?"
I looked at him and began to explain as if he was asking me what one plus one was…even though my tone was casual and obvious, it pained me to no end to speak the words I did. "You were alone all summer. I don't blame you. You were in the wizarding world and I wasn't. Obviously, you needed a girl there for you. I just couldn't be that girl. Although, of everyone, I thought you would have at least picked someone better than Sabrina: the Teenage Bitch. Just shows how much I don't know you." And how easily I can be replaced, I thought as pain stabbed at my heart. I felt my throat get sore- like it gets before you cry. But I wouldn't cry. Not in front of him. Please don't cry. Please don't cry, Lily. You can cry a million oceans worth of tears the second we get into the dormitory. Just, please don't let him see you cry.
"You think I cheated on you all summer?" He asked bewildered.
"Maybe not all summer, but, some of it at least. Unless you usually go around passionately kissing random girls," I scoffed, raising an eyebrow as if it was a question.
"It's not like that at all Lils."
I winced slightly, hearing my nickname on his lips, as if he was contaminating it. "There's no need to make up an excuse Potter," I spoke in that too calm tone that scared me slightly, because it made me seem as though I were talking to someone I barely knew. I don't know him. Not this side of him. I reassured myself.
He let out a frustrated groan and ran his hand through his hair. I could tell his emotions were running just as high as mine, although I would force mine not to show. "Listen to me. I'm not making up bloody excuses," his voice sounded harsh, "Look, if I didn't want to be with you, why wouldn't I have just broken up with you? Why would I send you a bloody owl every single day? Tell me Lily, because I don't know. Why would I feel so…so lost without you? Just knowing that you're here, so close to me, and I'm not with you is driving me crazy Lily! If I wanted to cheat on you, if I don't love you, than explain to me why I'm feeling like this."
I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. Not feeling, not crying- it was easier said than done when he was actually standing there in front of me. "Don't ask me. You should know. If you had no reason, then why do it?" My voice was quiet but dangerous- sad and angry at the same time; betrayed. Yes, that's what it was- I sounded like someone who had been betrayed. My eyes started to fog up and my voice cracked just the slightest bit. I saw a flicker of hope in James' eyes and I knew what he was thinking, because I had seen it before; fourth year, when my sister, who had always been my best friend, stopped writing to me after telling me she hated me, I had tried to turn off all my emotions, but James had made me feel something again. Although it was only anger and annoyance, he had still made me feel something and he had been happy and proud because he was the only one who could and he knew it. Now I knew that he was thinking and feeling the same thing- he knew he was making me feel something. I hated how he could stand there and somehow feel proud after what he had done. I wanted to smack him, or run away. I wanted to scream.
The hope soon died away as he began talking, sounding harsh and almost accusing, yet pleading, "But I didn't! Lily, you aren't LISTENING to me." He took my hands in his, holding them firmly, and I knew I wouldn't be able to grab them back away until he wanted me to let go. I turned my face away from his, but he moved back into my view. "Lils, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. I meant everything I said to you on the train today. Those are the truest things I've ever said," he paused for a millisecond, gazing intently into my eyes as if searching for something, "To anyone. You have to believe that." He loosened his grip, but kept his eyes on mine. Once, his eyes on mine would have melted me. But not now. I grabbed my hands away. He looked almost…devastated when I did.
I shook my head, "I don't have time for your games Potter." I began to run up the dormitory steps, but stopped. I didn't know why, but it was as if there was an invisible force holding me back. I walked back to him and looked into his eyes. I saw pain and sadness and truth, but I ignored it; he had always been good at acting. He tried to speak, but I stopped him with my own voice. I began to speak, not having any idea of what I was about to say, "No," I stated, "I want to do the talking. I can't be with you anymore because I'm afraid, okay? I'm afraid to get hurt again. When I'm with you, it's like- like I'm just a pawn in your game of wizard's chess or something. You can tell me to do anything, and I'll do it- no questions asked. You just look at me and my heart leaps! I feel so many emotions and it's so confusing James. I get frustrated, jealous, scatterbrained, speechless, and I feel like I'm floating on air- but somehow still happy, and I don't know what to do. Because, I still feel all that, James- like I can't hold myself together whenever I'm around you- but, now, there's even more emotions and they rule out the rest. Now, whenever I see you, my heart still leaps but then it breaks, over and over again. The one thing I know is that I don't want to go through that anymore. I- I have to stay away from you, and I will." With that said, I turned back around and walked up to the girls' dormitory, one lone tear fell down my cheek. I didn't bother to wipe it away. Even as I walked away, I knew he still wouldn't give up, that's just the way James was and would always be- stubborn and determined, but I wouldn't give up either. I couldn't.
The next two weeks passed slowly, but quickly at the same time- each lesson, each second, seemed to last a lifetime, but, as I got into bed to try to sleep at night, it seemed as if just seconds before I had been walking off towards my first lesson of the day.
I pulled back the covers on my four-poster bed and crawled under them, turning to face Ada. "The day passed too quickly," I yawned.
Ada looked at me quizzically, "Says the girl who's been complaining for two weeks about how slowly the day is going by." I only shrugged my shoulders in response. "'Night Lil, and remember- no matter how crazy you are, we still love you."
"'We', is it? Developing multiple personalities, now are you," I smiled. I loved being around Ada. I felt happy around her.
"You know what I meant- you loon."
"You're the one with multiple personalities, yet I'M the loony one?"
She nodded her head as if it all made sense, "Yep."
I rolled my eyes and turned over in the bed, pulling up the covers, "G'night Miz Loony Lady." My eyes drifted shut, and, what seemed like seconds later, the sun was shining brightly through my bed curtains which had just been ripped open by Ada, who was fully dressed.
"Didn't you hear me?" She was pulling her hair up as she talked, holding a bobby pin in her mouth.
I rubbed my eyes, "Hm?"
"Transfiguration starts in, about, oh," She looked down at my watch that lay on the nightstand next to my bed, "sixty-three seconds."
I tried to jump up but only accomplished falling on the floor at Ada's feet, tangled in a mass of blankets. As I kicked and punched at the blankets, trying to untangle myself, I shouted, "That's impossible!"
She put her hands on her hips. "Check for yourself, Sunshine," she said, pointing at my watch. "The rest of the girls just left."
By this time I was partially out of the blankets and crawled on my knees to the nightstand, clutching the watch tightly as my expression changed from laziness to panic. "Fuck," I muttered, stumbling as I pushed myself up, trying to slide out of the blankets that must have somehow grown a mind of their own '…and teeth,' I thought, rubbing my elbow as I rushed to my trunk and tossed on some clothes. "They left already? Without waking us?"
"They woke up late too. We tried waking you up. We must've yelled at you a million times."
I was about to glare at her, but decided I didn't have the time. I waved my hand in her direction and said, "Go to class, I'll meet you there." She nodded and walked out. "Scorgify," I said, pointing my wand at my hair, which washed itself. I ran a brush through my hair and muttered a drying spell as I slipped on a pair of shoes and hurriedly applied blush, mascara, and lip gloss- the only makeup I ever wore. I grabbed my book bag and quickly threw in a few textbooks, a quill, and a closed bottle of ink. Halfway to the door, I stopped for a second and turned around, running back to my watch.
"Fuck," I called and stomped my foot on the floor as I put on my watch. I was already about seven minutes late for class and it would take at least another six minutes to rush to the Transfiguration room- two if I ran and took a few shortcuts the Marauders had shown me. After stopping at a mirror and fluffing my hair momentarily, I rushed out the door and down the steps to the empty common room. My stomach rumbled as I realized I hadn't eaten. I ignored the pain I now felt crawling around my stomach and ran out through the portrait hole, down a staircase, where I jumped over three steps, avoiding the trick step, turned a few corners and stopped a door away from my transfiguration room. I tugged down the skirt I was wearing, straightened out a few wrinkles in my clothes, and unconsciously ran my hands over my hair.
Opening the door, I peaked in, hoping no one would notice me. They did. "Er, hello Professor; nice day, isn't it," I asked in a too-innocent voice that people only used when they were in trouble and they knew it.
Professor McGonagall's lips straightened into a thin line, "So nice of you to grace us with your presence, Ms. Evans. Next time, please try to make it a higher priority to make it to class on time." I smiled weakly and nodded, looking around the room for an empty seat. 'No,' I thought, and looked over the room again. There was only one extra seat. With a painful expression set on my face, I slowly made my way towards the table, but I didn't sit down. McGonagall noticed, "Is there a problem, Ms. Evans?"
"Er...no Professor," I said slowly, because obviously there was a problem. My eyes hopefully searched the room once more, looking for another empty seat, next to anyone expect James.
"Then, kindly take your seat so we can begin today's lesson."
"Yes Professor," I finally said mechanically and, with a pained look on my face, I sat down next to James, but scooted to the edge of my seat- as far away from him as possible. Unwillingly, a memory from the year before floods my mind.
I rushed into class, pushed past two girls and Sirius, and slipped into the seat besides James. And, scooting as close as possible to him, I leaned my head on his shoulder and he laid his chin on my head, taking my hand in his and intertwining his fingers in mine. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he breathed.
"I love you," I whispered. I didn't expect him to say it back- he wasn't like that. He didn't give his love away easily, and I was okay with that. Knowing that I loved him was enough.
I loved him; I'll admit it, but I won't even let myself believe that it was true love. Because true love is when you're loved back and, although I had convinced myself that he actually did love me back, I know the truth now. He never cared about me. Fresh anger and pain spread throughout my veins as I see him lean towards me from the corner of my eye, "Don't speak to me," I said firmly. And, surprisingly, he listened.
"Just give me another chance," James called to me after class ended.
I had been ignoring him up until that point, after which I spun on my heel and faced him. To say I was livid would have been an understatement. "Leave me alone you conceited bloody prat! Go get Avada'd or something! Just leave me alone!" After screaming, I turned back around in a huff and marched off towards my next lesson.
"Hey," said a voice from behind me.
"I said," I started angrily, turning around, "Oh, hi Aidan," I said. Aidan Walsh was a fellow Gryffindor and a beater on our Quidditch team. He was tall, shorter than James, but still a good four inches taller than me.
"I heard what happened on the train. Any guy who would cheat on you doesn't deserve you."
I winced at the memory, "Let's not talk about that, 'kay?"
He smiled charmingly, "Okay. Well, tomorrow's the Hogsmeade weekend," he stretched out the word weekend and looked down, twiddled his thumbs, and looked back up, "How about you go with me to The Three Broomsticks and we can not talk about that there?"
"L-like a date," I asked, stuttering. Did he just go from talking about my ex…to asking me out!
Aidan smiled shyly, one hand on the back of his neck, "Yea, like a date."
Over his shoulder, I saw James walk up and I knew that he had heard what we were saying. My eyes darkened as James looked at me. I looked back up at Aidan and smiled, "Sure."
"Really? You will? I mean- uh, cool," he looked embarrassed, "I, uh, I guess I'll see you later then..." his voice trailed off.
I looked at him strangely, "We have a lesson together right now…"
He looked embarrassed again, "Oh yeah."
I began to laugh and he looked at me defensively, so I quickly turned the laugh into a cough. I smiled warmly, but my smile faltered as thoughts of James once again shoved there way into my memory, James would've just laughed at himself and laughed with me. Not taken offense. I pushed that thought out of my head and thought instead of the up-and-coming Hogsmeade weekend. The Three Broomsticks is where James and I had our first date... Ugh. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop thinking about him? I will not think about James. Fuck. Now I'm thinking about thinking about him. I shook my head as I looked back over Aidan's shoulder, smiling smugly, expecting to see a hurt James standing there. James was gone. My smile fell for a moment, but just a moment. Good. I'm glad he's not near me. I'm glad. I walked to class and took a seat next to Aidan.
"So, big game next week- you ready," I asked.
"Of course- we're gonna kill Slytherin. 'Specially now that I've got my girl for luck." I coughed. Excuh-use me? His girl? Jerk. Wait- he's not a jerk. Argh! Boys suck. They're too confusing! I looked around the room as he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. I didn't even realize that I was looking for James until I noticed that he wasn't there.
I shrugged Aidan's arm off of me and smiled sweetly at him, "Glad to hear it."
