Yay! I finished another installment with plenty of humor and banter. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. Sorry I haven't responded to the second chapter reviews, I'll try to keep responding. I can't make any promises though. I do read all of the reviews and enjoy them greatly so keep up the awesomeness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. (Does anyone on this site?)

"You guys should have listened to me," Merlin spat as him and the Knights of the Round Table sat quietly in a small dungeon.

"How was I supposed to know that there is no such thing as a scorpiolincus?" Arthur shot back at Merlin.

"Oh I don't know. Maybe because I said there wasn't any such thing," Arthur just rolled his eyes.

"Or how about the fact that there were no mentions of it in over 400 different books!" Merlin was really angry now and continued to rant.

"Or how about the fact that Geoffrey, who is as old as the bloody planet itself, has never seen or heard of the thing!" Merlin finished. Arthur glared at him.

A few days ago a peasant from one of the outlying villages came bursting into the throne room raving about some creature killing his village. He put on a spectacular show and had no problems in making Arthur believe that a 'scorpiolincus' was actually terrorizing his town. After the meeting Merlin and Giaus quickly searched through text after text in order to learn more about the creature but came up with nothing. Giaus then called on the librarian, Geoffrey, to try and see if he knew anything about the creature. He didn't.

Sensing something was wrong, Merlin begged Arthur not to go and instead let his knights handle the job. He tried to tell Arthur that there was no mention of the creature in any texts but Arthur refused. He insisted that 'it was his job as king to ensure the safety of his people' and that Merlin should 'stop being such a girl'. In the end, Merlin prepared for the trap. Sadly, there was very little his magic could do against the poisoned stew one of the villagers gave him and the knights.

They woke up not long ago in the cell just over the border in Mercia. Arthur was going to be killed or something, at this point, Merlin didn't really care, as were the rest of his men. Merlin tried to get Arthur to admit his mistake. But lets face it, that wasn't going to happen any time real soon.

""You should have listened to me," Merlin said again, this time it was directed at everyone.

"We aren't discussing who's to blame at the moment, Merlin," Arthur said "in case you haven't noticed, we currently have bigger problems."

"But if we were to discuss blame, I think we would all agree that it is your fault for not listening to me," Merlin muttered under his breath. ".…idiot," he added.

"What was that, Merlin?" Arthur made a move to get up.

"Sire," Leon whispered, putting a hand on Arthur's arm, "someone's coming," Merlin knew he shouldn't be that upset with Arthur. Some creatures were unknown to man. Merlin did admire Arthur for caring more about his people's safety than his own. But for crying out loud, there were better ways to go about investigating viscous attacks. Less idiotic and saner ways.

The people who Leon heard turned the corner. They were two fairly big men who were dressed in an assortment of animal furs and leather. Both had large swords strapped to their hips, as well as knives and other weapons decorating their bodies. Their eyes were cold and merciless and both looked as though they could rip a body apart. They stopped in front of the cell and sneered.

"Well King Arthur," one said, "did you like our little story?"

"Told you he would come," the other one snickered as he took in the state of his prisoners.

"Now while we're your hosts, there's going to be some rules you have to abide by."

"If this is what you think makes a good host then you are sorely mistaken," Elyan chuckled. The men's faces turned from humor to fury in a matter of seconds.

"The first rule is that you will only speak when spoken too," one spat, "You will follow all of our commands to the letter. You will not cause any trouble. And you will not make us angry," He continued, leaning against the bars of the cell and barring his yellow teeth.

"And what if we don't follow your rules?" Arthur asked calmly. The two men looked at each other and smiled.

"We'll use our imagination on the skinny one," one said as he jerked a knife in Merlin's direction. Merlin blanched as the two men laughed. Everyone clenched their jaws but made no action against the men. When satisfied that they had their cooperation, the men went to a small table and sat down. Nobody spoke for a long time. It appeared that the men were going to stay with their prisoners until whoever ordered the capture came and claimed them. Merlin began racking his brains for a solution out of the mess. Most of it involved magic. But by God, if that was what needed to happen then that was what Merlin was going to do. Merlin was about to say a spell when Gwaine spoke.

"Say, what kind of mead is that?" He asked looking at the men. Everyone shot their heads up and stared.

"Gwaine. Now is really not the time!" Percival hissed as the men looked up at him.

"Trust me on this," Gwaine whispered back.

"One from the western sea," the guard answered raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Oh really? I've never had any from there. Is it any good?" Gwaine said with a gleam in his eye. Leon began sliding his hand frantically across his throat in a cutthroat gesture. It was subtle but it sent a clear message to Gwaine 'cut it out'.

"Here," the man said, handing a glass to Gwaine, "try some."

Gwaine smiled and took the glass before sipping it. He coughed violently before laughing.

"My God that's good," he said before taking another drink.

"All the kick of a good Northern drink with the taste of an Eastern honey mead," the man laughed. Gwaine downed the rest of the glass.

"Don't give him that crap," his partner said, standing up and coming over to the cell.

"Here is the good stuff. Mercian spiced mead. It's got plenty of different spices in it to give it a kick," Gwaine took the glass and sniffed it before sipping the drink.

"Tastes kind of like the stuff they make in the White Mountains," he added thoughtfully.

"Nice after taste. Better than that other one," the guard said, looking quite proud.

"Its not the after taste you need to be concerned with. It's how smooth the drink is," the first man said with a glare.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Gwaine said calmly, "you both bring up such valid points. However on first taste alone I have to go with the western sea," Gwaine finished, flashing his signature smile.

"Is he trying to sleep with them or drink with them?" Merlin whispered to Arthur as their captors each poured Gwaine another glass.

"Who knows?" Arthur mumbled, shaking his head in frustration.

"This time, sip it slowly," one man said as he shoved a glass at Gwaine. "Really savor the flavor." Gwaine swirled the liquid in the glass before taking a sip.

"Strong taste at first, smooth," he muttered to himself as he took another sip, "The initial taste fades a bit to fast for enjoyment," he concluded. The guard looked slightly disappointed.

"Now here's mine," the other one yanked the glass out of Gwaine's hand and replaced it with his own mead. Gwaine repeated the process.

"Lighter taste in the beginning, more subtle," Gwaine sat there smacking his lips for a few seconds before continuing. "It's too hard to tell which one's better," the guards looked startled. "I mean, no offense fellas, but neither of these are really my kind of drink." Gwaine flashed another charming style.

"They're both great but I like something that burns your throat as it goes down and leaves with the taste for weeks afterwards," Gwaine finished looking at the two men. Instead of looking upset though, they both looked kind of happy. Almost as if they enjoyed the same kind of drinks.

"I've got the perfect thing for you," one guard said as he ran out of the dungeon. A few moments later, he came back with several bottles of what was probably alcohol.

"This stuff is harder than two before so we were wary of drinking it on duty," one explained as he opened a bottle. "But let me tell you, this is some of the finest mead Mercia has to offer," he finished as he poured three glasses, handing one to Gwaine and one to his partner. Gwaine took the glass and sipped it. He appeared to be lost in thought for a few seconds before his features lit up like a child at Yule.

"Now that is good stuff," he said with a smile. The men looked proud of their accomplishment and downed their glasses before pouring more. Gwaine turned around and winked at the other knights before holding his glass through the bars so that he could get some more alcohol. The guards were all too happy to oblige. Glass after glass the mead continued to flow for the three men, each getting more and more intoxicated as they continued to down the mead.

"Hey," Gwaine slurred as some mead sloshed over the rim of his glass, "how about you fellas let me out so that I can drink at the table," The men looked at each other and shrugged. Surprisingly they walked to the door and swung it open for Gwaine to stumble out. Arthur was about to get up and charge the men but the door swung shut and was locked quickly. The captors were apparently not drunk enough yet to be completely stupid.

"Oh, sorry princess," Gwaine said as he sat down at the table, but not before falling out of the chair, "looks like yooouuu can't join the party," he laughed loudly as the second man poured more mead into each of their glasses.

"What the hell is he doing?" Arthur hissed as he looked at the scene before him.

"Enjoying his last few hours of life," Merlin guessed as Gwaine swung his arm around both men and pulled them in for a hug.

"You know," Gwaine said, "you guys are awesome. I mean, I really enjoy having spent this time to get to know you," he said picking up his cup and draining it.

"I love you man," one of the guards wailed as he threw his arms around Gwaine's neck and burrowed his head into his shoulder. The other guard just sat in the corner sobbing.

"I mean," he wailed, "she just left me all alone!" He looked up at his two companions. "What kind of mother does that?" Gwaine and the other man weren't really listening.

"If one of us," the guard stated as he let go of Gwaine and attempted to sit back, "if one of us was a women," he fell back over onto the table, "I'd marry you, because that's how much I love you," he continued as Gwaine smiled and attempted to pour himself another drink, only to miss the glass completely and pour it all over his wrist.

"Well shit," he slurred as he attempted to pour the alcohol again.

"She always loved my brother more than me," the man cried again, sobbing in the corner. "Maybe that's why she hates me?" The guard picked up a bottle and looked at it thoughtfully. "You two will probably hate me soon. Everyone does," He continued to bawl as he brought the bottle to his lips and began to drink.

"Hey, quit hogging it all," Gwaine said, giving up on pouring his drink, as he tried to take the bottle away.

"We should run away together!" the happier one said, sitting up suddenly. "It'll be just you and me on a farm. Oh we could be so happy together!" He threw his arms back around Gwaine's neck and began to list off all of the reasons he was happy.

"You lot are fantastic companions," Gwaine said as one guard clung to him whispering words of love and affection while the other one sat in the corner sobbing.

"Let us continue to drink!" Gwaine shouted happily. At this all three men lifted up their glasses and drank every last drop of liquid in it. The two guards each picked up a bottle and began to guzzle down the mead. The happy drunk fell forward onto the table, completely unconscious.

"He hates me now!" the sad drunk sobbed as he finished his bottle and also fell onto the table, completely unconscious.

"Hey guys, hows abouts we," Gwaine placed a hand on the happy drunk and shook him slightly. "Oh," Gwaine frowned for a second before perking up. "I guess they're unconscious now," Gwaine said loudly.

"Well. That worked wonderfully," He stated smugly as he tried to stand up, only to fall over.

"Great," Elyan murmured, massaging his brow, "we were saved by someone who can't even walk in a straight line."

"Or touch his finger to his nose," Merlin added. Arthur shook his head again.

"Gwaine, just get the keys and get over here," Arthur said desperately as he stuck his hand through the bars.

"You know," Gwaine stated as he began digging through one of the men's pockets, "you are really annoying, mate." Gwaine began muttering to himself as he continued to dig.

"It's, uh, it's the other man, Gwaine" Merlin said, pointing to the one that had fallen to the ground.

"Thank you, Merlin," Gwaine stood back up and staggered over to the other guard. "You are really smart, love. Don't let anyone tell you any different, " Gwaine cried out triumphantly as he found the keys and stumbled to the cell door. He dropped the keys into Arthur's hand, who immediately opened the door.

"Let's go," he commanded as he began to make his way to the exit.

Gwaine stopped. "Wait a second. I don't feel so good," Gwaine murmured as he ran to the corner and began to throw up.

"I am really drunk," he giggled as he sat back up.

"Sire, we can't expect him to walk in the state he's in," Leon said, wincing as Gwaine threw up again and then fell backwards.

"I've got him," Percival sighed as he walked over to Gwaine and lifted the man so that he was resting on Percival's back.

"Wee," Gwaine giggled as Percival lifted him up.

"Ugh, you need to rinse your mouth out," Percival wrinkled his nose and followed Arthur out the door.

"Hey Percival. Percy. Perce," Gwaine said as he began to run a finger down Percival's chest. "you are a really great friend, and I'm not saying that because I'm drunk,"

"I'm sure your not," Percival muttered. Gwaine continued to throw out compliments.

"How long do you think he'll be like this?" Elyan whispered to Merlin as they continued to walk through the forest.

"I don't know, but we should find some place to stop for the night so that he can rest and get the alcohol out of his system." Merlin hoped Arthur would listen to him for once and stop soon because Merlin did not want to deal with a drunk Gwaine all night.

"Agreed, we need to find a place fore him to rest" Leon sighed as Gwaine began to sing a riveting rendition of the "Knights of Pelondras".

"If he doesn't stop, I will knock him out," Arthur growled as Gwaine got to the part about how the knights had to fight an army of, what Merlin heard as, giant gerbils.

"I'll help you," Leon said in a low voice as Gwaine continued to screech.

"I thought the knights fought a sea beast," Elyan said. Arthur just shook his head and continue to plan all of the ways he could get Gwaine to shut up, most of them violent.

Gwaine woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. He groaned and rolled over only to find whatever he was laying on had stopped. Gwaine cried out in alarm as he fell onto the floor, one of his legs still caught up in the sheets.

"Are you alright?" Merlin came running in the room and helped Gwaine to sit up.

"What happened last night?" Gwaine asked as he rubbed the back of his head. He looked at Merlin who was shifting uncomfortably and had started to blush.

"Well…" Gwaine prompted.

"How much do you remember?" Merlin asked looking at Gwaine.

"I was getting the keys so that we could escape… and then nothing really," Gwaine ran his hand through his hair.

"Well, Percival carried you on his back and you started singing. You weren't very good," Gwaine chuckled and Merlin continued. "You kind of went a little crazy last night," Merlin finished, chewing on his lip.

"Oh God, did I hurt anyone?" Gwaine began checking Merlin over for injuries.

"No, no, but, well it was embarrassing," Merlin smiled.

"Embarrassing how?" Gwaine just wanted to know how much damage he had caused.

"Well it started when you began telling Percival how much you cherished him," Gwaine groaned. "And how he was like a Greek Adonis, sculpted perfectly," Gwaine buried his head in the sheets. "And then you stated that his strength was parallel to none and that he should be placed on a pedestal and worshiped for eternity."

"What else happened," Gwaine asked, his head still buried in the sheets.

"Well you began to pet Arthur's hair and said, 'it is finer than the coat of a unicorn's arse'." At this Merlin burst out laughing as Gwaine whipped his head up.

"I didn't," he said wide-eyed.

"Oh yes you did. Apparently you really like Arthur's hair," Merlin said as he finally stopped laughing.

"Did it get any worse?"

"Leon went to pull you away from Arthur, who was getting ready to bludgeon you," Gwaine groaned. "And then you pulled Leon down into your lap and began to braid his hair."

"He's going to kill me."

"Don't worry, I took away everyone's swords."

"Did anything happen to Elyan?"

"Um, well you kept saying how much you loved him and kissed his cheek," Gwaine began beating his head into the side of the bed.

"You went into great detail about how much you loved Elyan. Some of it was more romantic than the poetry I write for Gwen," Merlin smiled again.

"What happened between us?" Gwaine said. He really just wanted to figure out what he had done and move on.

"We found this house and the woman was more than willing to let us stay here. We told her you were injured," Merlin added upon seeing the confused look Gwaine was giving him. "I put you to bed when suddenly you grabbed me and hugged me to your chest,"

"God."

"Yeah, you kept saying there was an enemy in the room and you had to protect me. Apparently I am too precious for the world to lose."

"I am so sorry," Gwaine looked at Merlin.

"Don't worry, Arthur hit you on the head with a plate and knocked you out. Though not before you kicked Leon in the stomach for trying to 'kidnap me.'" Merlin finished, trying not to laugh.

"Look whose finally awake," came Arthur's voice from the door.

"Look, sire—"

"No need to explain Sir Gwaine. As I understand it, you have a very unhealthy attachment to my hair and manservant. What was it again, like the coat of a unicorn's arse?" Arthur mocked, pretending to stroke his chin thoughtfully.

"I was so drunk," Gwaine groaned and buried his face into the blankets again.

"That's one word for it," Leon said as he and the other knights joined Arthur at the door.

"Where'd you learn to braid like that anyways?" Leon asked. Gwaine just continued to shake his head back and forth.

"We should leave soon," Percival said with a smile.

"Whatever you guys say," Gwaine said as he lifted his head.

"We should thank you though," Elyan said. "You did get us out of that mess." Everyone nodded in agreement as they turned to leave. Merlin helped get Gwaine back on his feet before handing him a vial.

"Something for the headache," He said. Gwaine smiled and downed the potion in one go. He grimaced. How could something taste this bad? Like death and the tears of small children.

"Thanks mate," He said as he began to make his way down the stairs. They got to the bottom where the woman of the house was waiting for them.

"If you ever want to come back you can," she said, eyeing Gwaine with a look the knight knew all to well. Arthur ensured her that if they were ever in need of her services they would not hesitate to ask. The woman, however, was still staring intently at Gwaine. Gwaine smiled sheepishly before waving at her and turning to leave the house.

"What did I do to her?" He whispered to Merlin as they walked up the road.

"Told her she was the most beautiful creature in the entire world and that the sun couldn't outshine her radiance," Merlin said with a shrug.

"You then proceeded, in what I assume was an attempt, to eat her face off," Percival snickered.

"Oh dear," Gwaine whimpered.

"Yes, you really wanted to share a bed with her," Arthur laughed.

"Oh no," Gwaine whined, pinching the bridge of his nose. Everyone laughed at Gwaine's misfortunes as they continued back to Camelot to give their report.

"Could you maybe leave some of this out?" Gwaine asked as he jogged up to Arthur.

"Oh no, we are going to recount everything to the council," Arthur smiled wickedly.

"Even the part about your hair?" Gwaine snapped. Arthur's color drained.

"Right men, let's come up with a story," He said in an awfully high-pitched voice as Camelot could be seen over the hills. Perhaps there were good things that could come from Gwaine's nightly trips to the taverns, Merlin thought as Arthur and Leon began to work out the details to the trip. Although, maybe next time Gwaine would think twice before downing 5 flagons of mead.

Thanks to Cottontail for spending over three hours with me attempting to make this better. You should get another chapter next week sometime. If I don't post one next week then I'll post two the week after. Thanks for reading and I hope I got some laughs for you all. Until next time!