Author's Note: Thank you so much for all your amazingly kind reviews, they made my day. Sorry this took so long, my internet connection DIED. Like, DIED, I had nothing for a week. But I had WORD so I got this done, and the next one is about half way done. OH, someone asked me to stop Al-Cid speaking in the third person, I know that in the game he doesn't do that, but I just felt that in his mind he refers to himself in the third person. I've already said it, I'm not going to say I don't own it again, 'KAY?
Kleptomaniacal: Not a word, look up 'kleptomaniac'. I needed a cool word for 'stealing', so I made one up.
Wannabes are Posers in Disguise
Greetings, it is I, Al-Cid the wonderful prince, once more. It seems Ratty and the sky pirates are now in the bottomless depths of Nalbina Dungeon. It's such a hideous dungeon. In Rozzaria we keep our dungeons in pristine condition. We serve smoothies in many different flavours. Yes, it's supposed to be a dungeon, but Al-Cid believes everyone deserves a good smoothie- no matter how violent or kleptomaniacal they are. Al-Cid likes the banana smoothies best.
But of course, Vayne would never know the beauty of smoothies, because he's too thick-headed and stupid- not to mention a Michael Jackson wannabe- and he was deprived of smoothies. And Little Vayne was deprived of smoothies because when Vayne was a child he had eating problems. Not that the Consul didn't eat. It was that Vayne ate too much. Yes, Vayne was an obese child. Al-Cid knows this because Al-Cid 'googles' him. That sounded wrong, didn't it?
Al-Cid watches in dismay as Ratty gets dragged into a pit fight with some rude, obnoxious Seeqs. Of course, here comes mighty Balthier to save the day. Without him, Ratty Ratsbane would be dead, no? You don't believe me? Well, let's reflect.
Ratty steals treasure. Now, if the Icelandic bunny and the James Bond wannabe hadn't crashed the party, Ratty would've made out with the treasure and been able to buy Penelo the Swede and Ol' Blue the Bangaa a nice turkey dinner. Right? Wrong. Our not-so-dashing young street urchin would've gaped for a good twenty minutes at the magicite before attempting to high-tail is way out of there. But because Ratty is such a thick-headed, arrogant jerk, he would've taken far too much treasure than he could carry. Now, this would not bode well, for, the soldiers would chase after Ratty, who would be running, but leaving a trail of treasure behind him in his wake. Obviously Ratty Ratsbane would get caught and thrown in Nalbina. This brings us back to the present. If Balthier has not been there to jump in all gangster style and help Vaan, our dear protagonist would have his skull smashed in by some filthy prison Seeqs. Duh.
Al-Cid gasps. It's Gabranth, the Captain Fon Ronsenburg POSER who's really a judge. Al-Cid scoffs at Judge Gabranth. He's working with some fearsome and unruly Bangaa who are hunting for dear Balthier. Gabranth is a Basch wannabe. Wannabes are secretly posers in disguise. But then again, Al-Cid is a Tony Soprano wannabe.
Of course, Ratty questions Fran's knowledge of Mist and Ivalice and such. Al-Cid coos, Bunansa defends the Viera from Ratty, and she looks so SMITTEN with him! As Al-Cid as said many, many, times before, if there was any romance in this adventure, they would so be together. You know who else would be together? Larsa and Penelo. She's smitten with him. But Ratty Ratsbane is smitten with him too… or so I think. Whatever, Larsa may choose the Swede or the rat. Al-Cid honestly doesn't care. It could be a love triangle that works every way.
Holy Italian shoes! Is that Basch Fon Ronsenburg!? The Basch Fon Ronsenburg? He looks like a homeless man. A pitiful excuse for a knight.
Ex-knight.
Same thing.
Al-Cid has informed you all on Ratty's intelligence level, right? Well, here he goes displaying that very low level of brain power. Let Al-Cid ask you all this, when you're trying to escape quietly from a heavily guarded dungeon, do you jumps on cages and scream like nobody's business? Excusing the fact that you people don't get yourselves tossed into nasty dungeons, you wouldn't, would you? But of course, Ratty doesn't understand the fact that the caged man has obviously thought about his brother's action. He's been in there for two years, what else would he do? Talk to his imaginary friend Jingle Bells? Cap'n Basch doesn't have an imaginary friend named Jingle Bells, as far as we know, but Al-Cid has an imaginary friend named Victor.
Les gasp, the soldiers came.
No way, no WAY! Oh. Em. Guggenheim. That was the best line ever. EVER. Al-Cid wants that line! How cool would it be to say 'pirates without a sky' before leaping into a pit onto a falling cage?!
Really cool, that's how cool.
Stupid Vaan. Attacking poor, innocent Basch. OH MY SHIT LUCY'S- oh phew. Sky man saved the Cap'n from a sucker punch, about to be given to him by Ratty Ratsbane.
Stupid Ratty Ratsbane.
Ew, why does this journey always take place in the sketchy, filthy, disgustingly dirty areas of Ivalice? Why couldn't any of this take place in Rozzaria? They never go to the pretty places like Bhujerba until later. Sigh.
No one enjoys running around in germ-infested caves, pits and dungeons.
Barheim Passage is underneath Nalbina… who knew? Al-Cid didn't. Al-Cid apparently didn't know a lot of things about Ivalice. Like the fact that Eruyt Village is in Golmore Jungle? Did you know that? You did? Oh. Al-Cid needs to get out more…
This place is filthy; Al-Cid does not want to see it. Al-Cid will write more when they get out of this cruel, malicious place. Al-Cid bids you farewell, and good luck with your lives.
Reviews are love.
