"Hey, Ted said you were coming by today, how have you been?" Stephen asked Caragh as he approached her. The nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach refused to go away.
Caragh took her time responding, she felt her palms perspire as she gripped tightly onto the file from her lawyer, it almost felt as if it could burn her skin.
"I've been good considering. I'm sorry I haven't really reached out to you, but I want to do this myself." Caragh said swallowing hard.
"What do you mean do it yourself? You know anything you need I'll help you; you just say what you need. I want to be there as much as possible." Stephen said. He looked nervous Caragh noticed. He ran his hands over his facial hair and stared at the ground. They'd both rehearsed this conversation she thought to herself, smiling inside.
"What I mean is that you don't need to help. I can do it myself, and I want to do it myself. I actually only came her tonight so you could sign some papers for me, so that you won't be legally obligated in anyway, it's really simple actua-"
"Wait." He said, cutting her off. "You want me to sign away my kids? That's what you're here to talk about? To take me totally out of the picture?" Stephen said, suddenly angry. He'd had no idea about this, Ted and Kristen hadn't said anything, simply said Caragh had needed time.
"I just think that since we didn't plan to do this, and we really don't know each other that well that it would just be easier to part ways. That way you wouldn't have to feel responsible for something you never meant to do." Caragh said, starting to lose track of her thoughts. It had seemed so smart when she'd thought up this plan the last seven months. Now she felt like everyone else, she doubted taking this man out of his children's lives. What had she been thinking? Now if he was in their lives there would always be a black cloud in the air that she hadn't wanted him there. God, she really hadn't thought this totally through.
"I don't know how you can say that to me. You know I didn't mean for this to happen, but when I knew it had I wasn't upset or angry, I was elated. I couldn't have been happier. I want to make this work and start a life with you." Stephen said, placing his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off coldly.
"How can you say that? We barely know each other. We might as well be total strangers. And what about what I want? Did you think about that? Do you think I really want to be a single mother? No, obviously I don't, but I am. I would be a single mother regardless, because if I was with you, you'd be on the road so much it would seem like I was alone anyway." Caragh said, tears suddenly welling up in her eyes. She never realized till now how scared she was to do this alone. Of course her family and friends would help, but at the end of the day it would be just her, and that scared her to death.
"I would work less, I could work less, retire even maybe. We'd figure something out, I already asked for a couple months off and that was fine. You'd be surprised how accommodating my job can be." Stephen said turning to look back at some of the other guys who were now watching their conversation. Everyone had been really surprised to hear about the impending birth especially since they hadn't known he'd been dating anyway. He'd been a little embarrassed himself to say they weren't dating so he just left it at it was new and the pregnancy was a big surprise.
"You would retire?" Caragh said with a laugh. She couldn't let him do that. She'd tried her best to paint him as a no good asshole, but she knew he wasn't. She didn't want to be the reason he left his dreams behind, even though a child was certainly the bigger responsibility.
"I would, I would do that if it meant I could be with you." Stephen admitted.
The conversation suddenly took a turn. Caragh's stomach did flops at the realization that maybe he wanted to try to have a relationship with her. She'd always thought this over in relation to the babies, that he wanted to be part of their lives. She never thought he'd want them to be a family, the four of them together, not separate. That scared her maybe more than having the kids.
"I just don't think it's the right time to start something like that, I just feel like it would be easier to just not bother. Then you can go on with your life and I can go on with mine." Caragh spat out coldly, handing Stephen the manila folder. He took it but stared at it as if it was a death sentence.
"I don't know how you'd expect me to go on with my life knowing that the girl I like is out there raising my children without me. That she doesn't want me there. But I guess if that's really what you want, if that's what would make you happiest, then I don't want to stand in your way." Stephen said turning and slowly walking away. Caragh stood frozen in her spot knowing now just how selfish she actually was being, this was what Kristen was talking about that whole time. She now felt absolutely sick to her stomach. It would have been easier if he was a jerk, or if he was an abusive ex-boyfriend. But instead he was incredibly kind, and was actually willing to walk out of her life, not because he wasn't ready to be a father or didn't want to give up his lifestyle, but because he wanted her to be happy. He was willing to suffer himself if it meant her happiness, and for that Caragh felt like the worst human being in the world.
Caragh made her way to her seat to find Kristen already sitting there.
"Well? How did it go?" Kristen asked looking up at Caragh with big blue eyes.
"Well, it could have gone better." Caragh replied taking her seat, butterflies still jumping in the pit of her stomach.
"Oh Honey, what happened? I knew it wouldn't go well. You should just give him a chance." Kristen said patting Caragh's knee.
"I don't think he'd take that chance now. The look on his face was heartbreaking. I really feel so selfish now too. I thought this would have been like a weight lifted, but instead it's like I've made it all worse." Caragh said, the first tear of the night sliding down her face.
"Oh gosh, what happened?" Kristen asked, suddenly feeling like this was the wrong venue to have this conversation.
"Well basically he made me realize what a selfish bitch I'm being. He just wants to be there for me. Not just for them, but me too, no matter what the cost is to his own life. I barely know him, yet he's willing to throw away his whole career for me, and all I want is for him to stay away." Caragh said, crying harder.
"Alright, let's go. We can't stay here now, we'll head back to the hotel." Kristen said, starting to get up.
"No, I'm fine. Ted will want to see you in the crowd anyway." Caragh said patting her eyes with a tissue.
The rest of the show went quickly. Pangs of jealousy ran through Caragh when Ted came out and she saw how he looked at Krissy. Stephen's match seemed to take forever, and he would look away quickly whenever he caught Caragh's eye. She was really beginning to have doubts about keeping him out of her life. They could get to know each other, maybe be friends. They could raise their children together, and maybe everything would work out.
The girls headed back to the hotel and Caragh started to feel even more uneasy. She had to talk to him again. Maybe she could still make this right. Ted and Kristen were going out to dinner because he wouldn't see her for almost another week, so Caragh sent Stephen a message that she wanted to talk again and to meet her at the room. He agreed and let her know he'd be about an hour.
