"Eighty six degrees. I can't believe it's still eighty six degrees! Every day!" I sat back with a huff, and crossed my arms.

She looked at me with a puzzled look. "Asuka, you know as well as I do that Second Impact threw our climates for a loop."

I sighed. "I know, I know, but still. As long as it's been, you'd think we'd see more than just an everlasting summer. Is it too much to ask to see some snow around here?" I uncrossed my arms, and laid back on the lounge chair. "Constant heat, constant humidity, almost unpredictable rain patterns... I might as well not even fool with my hair anymore. It's like since I came back here, I've gone from the red-headed stepchild to the curly red-headed stepchild. I can't remember how I managed to keep my tresses straightened back... when I was a child."

She smiled. I hated that smile, it always signaled a change of subject. "You get used to it. And speaking of your childhood, are you ready to talk about it?" Just as I thought.

"Talk about my childhood?" I cocked my head sideways, giving her a look of mock confusion. "Whatever do you mean, doctor?" I scoffed. "There's nothing to talk about. I was a child, my mother killed herself, I became independent. I didn't need anyone but myself."

That damned smile never left her face. "I've read your files, Asuka."

"Files? What-"

"I've seen your diary. I've seen journals that NERV copied to keep tabs on you. For an independent little girl, you sure did seem to want to gain the affection, attention, and adoration of quite a few males. Almost like you were looking for a mate."

I don't think she noticed my glare. Or she was ignoring it, just scribbling away at her little clipboard. "What's your point, doctor?" That last word hissed from my mouth, like acid eating away at a metal cage.

Her scribbling stopped, and she looked up at me. "For an independent girl, you seemed quite intent on finding someone to depend on."

Silence. That awkward silence that fills the room when two people are talking, and one says something to the other that seems to pry into a space that they're not meant to pry into. That silence was permeating every nook and cranny of the woman's office, and it was all her fault. She gazed upon me with a look that spoke not of understanding, but of prying; a look that screamed, 'I will understand you, whether you want me to or not!'

The silence lasted for a good five minutes before she spoke again. "Who was Kaji, to you?"

The question caught me off-guard. It pried into the deepest, darkest, most repressed corners of my mind, grabbed a handful of the shiest emotions, and pulled them forth; my eyes began to water, but I shook them dry again.

"Didn't we go over this already, during a previous session? I told you who Kaji was-"

"You told me why you wanted him, yes, but you never explained who he was to you. There's a difference between wanting someone to be someone to you, and what that person actually is to you."

Scribble, scribble.

Deep breath. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to answer, though deep inside I really didn't want to. "Kaji..." I paused, looking for the right words. Even after all these years, I still struggled with some Japanese phrases. "Kaji was my guardian... no. He was my guidance. He was the person I looked up to, who encouraged me to be everything that I could be. He offered wisdom when I could find none, logic when everything seemed illogical." I sniffled, fighting back tears. Even after all these years, I missed him. "He was my role model. He was my friend."

I looked up, and she was handing me a tissue. I accepted the tissue and blew my nose softly.

"Did you know about any of his... alternate activities? The things he did, playing traitor to NERV?"

I took another deep breath, calming myself. "Yes, I did. But I kept that knowledge to myself, even from him."

The look on her face was thoughtful. "And even though you held this knowledge, you wanted him to be your lover... your mate, if I may. Even though you knew that if he was eventually found out, it was guaranteed that he would be killed."

"That was part of why I wanted him to love me. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I could be his lover, I could get him to abandon his activities and then there'd be no more risk of me losing him." I laughed, in spite of my emotions. "But he didn't want me. I wasn't old enough, wasn't developed enough for him. Wasn't experienced enough. He preferred that... that..." I was at a loss for words. I didn't know what to call...

"Miss Katsuragi?"

I huffed. "Yes. Her." I stared at my hands. "I guess I never forgave her for stealing my Kaji. At least, that's what I thought she had done." I sighed. "From the moment I set foot in Japan and started at school, I was the most popular girl. It's something I was used to; being the most talked about, the prettiest, the most lusted after. But the boys at that school, and pretty much all around me, never gave me the kind of attention that they gave her.

"I saw the way they all ogled at her, the way most of them stammered when she asked them a question, their rush to attention when she walked into a room or knocked on a door. I wanted to be respected like that. I wanted to be the object of males' desires the way that she was. I was jealous, mostly. Jealous that she could make boys behave like idiotic fools just by walking into a room.

"Well, most boys..."

This time it was her face that showed confusion, but it was genuine. "Most...?"

"Perhaps it came from living with her, but Shinji didn't act like the remainder of his gender around her. Granted he didn't ogle me that way, either, but he seemed to respect me more than he did her. I dunno, maybe respect isn't the right word here." I sighed.

"There was once a test we all had to do that required the three of us to be naked inside our plugs in our EVAs. We had gone through heaven knows how many showers before we had to walk through a white room, completely naked, to get to our plugs. I threw a fit about it, but secretly I wanted to be watched by the Third. I wanted him to peek at my form, and admire me, even though I knew he'd never do it. And he'd never admit to it even if he did peek."

"So the air of independence you kept about you was a ruse. An act, if you will, correct?"

I stared at her. "No. All I had was myself, and it was all I needed. But no matter how independent one becomes, one always wishes to have followers and admirers. I didn't want someone to fall back on; I wanted someone to take the fall for me, so that I didn't have to fall and depend on someone to help me stand back up."

"You know what they say, Asuka; pride comes-"

"- before the fall. Yes, I know that saying well." Another deep breath.

"Well, if you could go back and do it all again, is there anything you would change?"

I thought about the question for a moment. "Knowing what I know now, or only knowing the outcome?"

"Only knowing the outcome."

"If only knowing the outcome meant that I could change it, I wouldn't do anything. Things were bad, and the trials were horrible, but everything came out right in the end."

She smiled. "And if knowing how it ended meant that you could only change the acts within the story, but the story's ending stayed the same?"

"I... I wouldn't be so mean to the Third. I would have treated him as an equal, rather than an underling."

"And Kaji? What about him?"

"What about him?" I sighed. "I wouldn't pursue him so hard. If at all, really... I'd probably stop fighting the feelings I held for the Third, maybe even act on them."

"Well, Asuka, I-"

"I wish I could apologize..." I whispered, though not low enough. She stopped in the middle of her sentence.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing." I shook my head.

"Well, I think we've made some excellent progress today, Asuka. What do you say to another session in a couple weeks?"

I rose from my seat. "Fine, fine..." I was preoccupied with the thoughts rolling about in my head. I often left these sessions with more questions than I had when I entered the session.

"Alright then. See you in a couple weeks." She smiled.

I turned and headed out the door.